Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

I'm thinking of an occupation where it's an advantage to whistle while you work.


In some cases, it's necessary.


What is the occupation I'm thinking of?


Ten points go to the first correct answer!

2007-12-27 10:07:33 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was going to heaven and was waiting for St.Peter. While he was waiting he saw lots of humungous clocks. When St.Peter came he asked him "What are all these clocks?" St. Peter told him those are lie clocks. "Everybody in the world has lie clocks. Everytime you tell a lie it ticks one second." The man was still confused so St.Peter showed him. " See George Washingtons clock? It ticked only three times. See Lady Teressa's clock? It never ticked." The man looked around and asked "Where is George Bush's clock?" St.Peter smiled and answered " Oh don't worry about that clock I'm using it as a ceiling fan in my office."

2007-12-27 09:54:14 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-27 09:47:38 · 15 answers · asked by jill!!!! 1

2007-12-27 09:40:25 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

1)Ok, so a man walks into a shop and he sees a sign on the wall, he reads it:

Hamburger = £1
Cheeseburger = £2
Hand job = £3

He sees an attractive blonde women behind the counter and calls her. He whisperes to her 'Excuse me, are you the women that gives hand jobs?'
'Yes.' she says.
'Right, wash your hands cos' I want a cheeseburger.'

2) What is the difference between a blonde woman and a fridge?
When you take the meat out of the fridge it doesn't fart.

2007-12-27 09:31:48 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Liverpool Airport was closed for four hours yesterday, after police found a SUSPICIOUS car parked outside, it was taxed, insured, had four wheels and even possessed a radio!!!!

2007-12-27 09:17:21 · 14 answers · asked by MISS CAROLYN ARSENAL 7

my 13 year old son told me this joke he thinks it very funny im not sure what do you think.

2007-12-27 09:13:16 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little old lady opens the door to a hoover salesman who says "would you like a demo?" "No, go away!" the old lady replies. "Hey dont be hasty, wait until youve seen what it can do" says the salesman. So he empties a bucket of horse poo all over the hallway carpet. "If it doesnt clear all that up, i'll eat the remainder myself" he says. The old lady says "Well, i hope youve got a good appetite, because the electric was cut off this morning!"

2007-12-27 08:59:01 · 20 answers · asked by MISS CAROLYN ARSENAL 7

2007-12-27 08:55:25 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ive just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking. Scared the s*** out of me! So thats it, after today no more f**king reading!!!

2007-12-27 08:48:34 · 14 answers · asked by MISS CAROLYN ARSENAL 7

2007-12-27 08:42:40 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

what is the difference between an outlaw and a inlaw:outlaws are wanted.

2007-12-27 08:37:14 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q. Why are women like Kentucky
Fried Chicken? A. After you've finished with the thigh and breasts,
all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

Q. What's the definition
of a Yankee? A. Same thing as a ''quickie'', only
you do it yourself.

Q. What's the difference
between a wife and a wheelie bin? A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.

Q. What's worse than getting
raped by Jack the Ripper? A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

Q. What doesn't belong
in this list : Meat, Eggs, Blow*ob? A. Blow*ob: You can beat your meat, eggs , but you
can't beat a blow*ob.

Q. What do a Rubix cube and a pen*s
have in common? A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

2007-12-27 08:29:43 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AghgM5SElaHaL_sn_0hg88nsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20071227130243AAAtAJp

2007-12-27 08:25:43 · 3 answers · asked by mayo 2

I'd been reading about the term 'cyber sex'
a lot lately, so decided to try and figure out what it meant.


I figured it had something to do with the computer, so I tried to find the sex drive on mine.


I looked everywhere, in all the folders on my computer,
the Add/Uninstall software. Then I got all the manuals
and went through them.


I finally came to the conclusion that my computer is not
equipped with one. So decided to go to the computer store to see if I could buy
one.


The sales person in the first store was a stern looking woman,
and when I gave her the make and model of my computer and asked her if she had any sex drives in stock. She scowled at me and asked if I was trying to get smart with
her. Then rather rudely, I thought, she just walked away.


Huh must not have had any in stock!!!!!


The guy in the second store, laughed and asked me if I'd
fallen off a turnip truck.

2007-12-27 08:25:35 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a Woman


In a little black car Doing 75 mph With her Face up next to her Rear view mirror Putting on her eyeliner. I looked away For a couple seconds And when I looked back she was Halfway over in my lane, Still working on that makeup.


As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much that;


I dropped my electric shaver, Which knocked The donut Out of my other hand.


In all The confusion of trying To straighten out the car Using my knees against The steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my jeans, and disconnected an important call.


Damn women drivers

2007-12-27 08:23:24 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

I pray for: wisdom, To understand a man. Love, To forgive him and; Patience, For his moods.
Because if I pray for strength I'll just beat him to death.

2007-12-27 08:22:15 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

The doorbell rings in the middle of the night, and the wife gets up to see who it is. She comes back to bed and the husband says, "Who was that?"

The wife says, "Oh, it was some woman." The husband is freaked out. He says, "Well, uh, what did she want?"

The wife says, "She wanted to know if the coast was clear!" The husband is really nervous now. He says, "Well, what did you tell her?"

The wife says, "I told her the coast is a hundred miles from here; how in the heck do I know if it's clear or not?"

2007-12-27 08:20:37 · 16 answers · asked by .... 6

EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole,
rips shorts.


SOCIABLE: Joins friends in pi*s whether he has to or not.



CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy
is fixed.


TIMID: Can't pi*s if someone's watching, flushes
urinal, comes back later.


INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pis*es in sink.


CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pis*es
on floor.


WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick
inspection.


FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries
to hit fly or bug.


ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pis*es in pants.



CHILDISH: Pis*es directly in bottom of urinal, likes to
see it bubble.


SNEAK: Farts silently while pis*ing, acts very innocent,
knows man in next stall will get blamed.


PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads
with free hand.


DESPERATE: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pis*es
in pants.

2007-12-27 08:17:36 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

its called the great disappointment by afi

I can remember a place I used to go
Chrysanthemums of white, they seemed so beautiful
I can remember, I searched for the amaranth
I'd shut my eyes... to see

Oh, how I smiled then, so near the cherished ones
I knew they would appear... saw not a single one
Oh, how I smiled then, waiting so patiently
I'd make a wish... and bleed

While I waited I was wasting away
While I waited I was wasting away

I can remember... dreamt them so vividly
Soft creatures draped in white, light kisses gracing me
I can remember when I first realized
Dreams were the only place to see them

While I waited I was wasting away
While I waited I was wasting away
While I waited I was wasting away
Hope was wasting away
Faith was wasting away
I was wasting away

I never, never wanted this
I always wanted to believe
I never, never wanted this
How could I have become?
I never, never wanted this
But from the start I'd been deceived
I never, never wanted this
How could I have become?

I never, never wanted this
I always wanted to believe
I never, never wanted this
I never, never wanted this
But from the start I'd been deceived
I never, never wanted this

Inside a crumbling effigy
But you promised
So dies all innocence
But you promised me

While I waited I was wasting away
While I waited I was wasting away
While I waited I was wasting away
Hope was wasting away
Faith was wasting away
I was wasting away

2007-12-27 08:17:04 · 9 answers · asked by blaqkaudiorox 2

A man is lying in hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, and is still heavily sedated from a long operation.
A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.
'Nurse' the man mumbles from behind the mask, 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse says, 'I don't know; i'm only here to wash your hands and feet.'
He struggles again to ask, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
So she pulls back the sheets, raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and hi stesticles in her other hand, takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them!'
The man pulls off his mask and says very slowly, 'That felt great - but are - my - test - results - back?'

2007-12-27 08:13:45 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in a Mexican restaurant.
Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith born
and raised in Mexico ?"


Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our
waiter."


When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any
Mexican Jews?" and the waiter said, "I don't
know Senor, I'll ask the cooks."


He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said "No
sir, no Mexican Jews."


Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are
you absolutely sure?"


The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringos"
gave the expected answer, "I will check again, Senor!"
and went back into the kitchen.


While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard
to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico , Our people are
scattered everywhere."


The waiter returned and said "Senor, the head cook
said there is no Mexican Jews.


"Are you certain?" Al asked once again. "I can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"

2007-12-27 08:13:03 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. The doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes"

2. The dentist because he says, "Open Wide"

3. The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown"

4. The milkman because he says, "Do you want it in the front or in back?"

5. The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it!"

6. The banker because he says,"If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest"

7. The police officer because he says, "Spread 'em"

8. The mailman because he always delivers his package.

9. The pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

10. The hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

2007-12-27 08:05:23 · 23 answers · asked by .... 6

A wife was begining to worry about her and her husbands non-existant sex life. So one afternoon the woman decided to ask her friend for some advice on how to put the spark back into her marriage.

Her friend gave her some advice that always worked with her own husband. She told the woman that every day before her husband was due back home from work, she puts on her birthday suit and waits at the top of the stairs for him to arrive. when he does, he sees her and cannot resist her and they have wild passionate sex.

The woman ran home and immediately, put on her birthday suit and waited at the top of the stairs for her husband. Within time her husband arrived through the door, looked at her and said “what on earth are you doing?”

The wife replied “it’s my birthday suit, don’t you like it?”

The husband responded “you could have ironed it first”

2007-12-27 07:49:42 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jeremy Beadle has a small manhood.
But on the other hand it's quite big.

Q. What's the difference between David Beckham and an Airfix kit with no glue?
A. One's a glueless kit...

George Michael was rushed to hospital with a Mars bar in his butt. Subsequent results revealed it was a careless wispa.

Q. What's the difference between Jamie Oliver and a marathon?
A. One's a pant in the country..

Q. What do you get if you cross Pete Doherty and Bill Oddie?
A. A quack addict.

2007-12-27 07:39:28 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, Ma'am?" said the librarian looking up at her.

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked "What was wrong with it?"

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" said the blonde.

The librarian nodded and said, "Ahhh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."

2007-12-27 07:33:51 · 20 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A young couple have just been married and they are currently on their honeymoon. They are staying at a hotel. The woman is ticked off because her new husband always farts in the mornings, so she comes up with a plan. During that evening she tells him he will fart his guts out someday. The next morning the woman wakes up early to inhale the lovely fart smell she is now used to, she goes into the kitchen and takes the guts out of the chicken and puts them down her husbands pants while hes still sleeping. She wonders back into the kitchen giggling. The husband wakes up with a shout "arrrrrgh!", he runs into the bathroom for a few minutes. He comes out and his wife confront him "what was that all about?" he says " you were right i did fart my guts out, but thanks to these two fingers and this pot of vaseline, i've put them back in."

2007-12-27 07:31:29 · 9 answers · asked by nathand0072002 2

A blonde goes to the Jobcentre to register for child benefit.
'How many children?' the man asks.
'Ten,' says the blonde.
'Ten!' he replies.
'What are their names?'
'Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne.'
'Doesn't that get confusing?'
'No.' says the blonde. 'It's great, because if they are out playing in the street i just have to shout, "Wayne, your dinner's ready" or "Wayne, go to bed now", and they all do it.'
'But what if you want to speak to them individually?' asks the man.
'Easy,' says the blonde, 'I just use their surnames.'

2007-12-27 07:24:43 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

quick transportation... =]

2007-12-27 07:18:09 · 9 answers · asked by nathand0072002 2

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"

6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"

7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"

2007-12-27 06:41:54 · 26 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7