Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

People who can make you weak in the knees have this crazy sexual aura over you, yeah??
Anyone felt this? I know you have!

2007-12-26 19:39:55 · 2 answers · asked by Jane 2

95 year old man is given a jar to provide a sperm sample for analysis at hospital.

He turns up two days later with empty jar.

Nurse asks why no sample?

He says sorry but i tried with my right hand,then with my left!

Then my wife tried with both hands! Then with her mouth,first with her teeth in, then with them out.

Then we got Ethel from next door to try! but it was no good we just couldn't get the lid off the jar!!!

2007-12-26 19:38:07 · 16 answers · asked by Nessie from Loch Ness 6

There was a papa mole, a mamma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Mamma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."

2007-12-26 19:30:00 · 24 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

& on the back it says WHO WANTS TO PLAY?

i need to come up with something witty to get a shirt to wear & put on a shirt .. anyideas!? thankss lol

2007-12-26 18:57:27 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

God asked Tom how many children he had during his time on earth. He replied three! Happy with the relatively good family planning adopted, God gave him a Mercedes!

John too were asked the same question. When he replies he had 10 children, God is a bit upset and gives him a cheaper car, the Ford.

Sam is next. He decides to see what happens if he says he had 15 children. God is pretty angry and gives him an inexpensive Suzuki.

Sometime later the three saw a person returning on foot. They ask why God hadn't given him anything; he replied with anger, "Some idiot told God that I was father of the nation!!

2007-12-26 18:54:56 · 14 answers · asked by Pd 6

I was barely sitting down in men's rest room when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And he says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? too bizarre so I said: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just travelling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions to you!!!"

2007-12-26 18:46:53 · 35 answers · asked by Pd 6

On their wedding night, this young bride told her husband.

"Since we're married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening, if my hair is done, that means I don't want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex. And if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex."
"Okay sweetheart," the groom replied. "Just make sure, when I come home, I usually have a drink. If I have only one drink, that means I don't want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may not want sex. But if I have three drinks, your hair doesn't matter."

2007-12-26 18:38:45 · 10 answers · asked by Pd 6

A plane was taking off from the Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax -- OH MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes.
The Captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilt it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing, you should see the BACK OF MINE!"

2007-12-26 18:18:22 · 9 answers · asked by Pd 6

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

2007-12-26 17:22:31 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard
University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud
without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age can't do it!

1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is person cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.


LOLOLOL I LOVE THIS THING!!!

2007-12-26 16:14:24 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young man wished to buy a pair of gloves for his sweetheart’s birthday, so he went to an expensive boutique, bought the finest gloves available and asked the saleswoman to have them delivered with a note. While wrapping the gloves, a clerk accidentally mixed up the order and sent a pair of panties instead.

Here is the note the young man sent to his sweetheart:

Darling,

I chose these, because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. I would have chosen long ones with buttons, but because your sister wears the short ones that are so easy to remove, I decided to get the same style for you.

Although these are a delicate shade, the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on for me and they looked really smart.

2007-12-26 15:59:54 · 27 answers · asked by Tw!NkLe 3

Jamie invited her mother over to her house for dinner. Over the course of the evening, Jamie's mom started to wonder if there was more between Jamie and her roommate than met the eye. She had long been suspicious of her daughter's sexuality, and watching them interact made her more curious. Reading her mom's thoughts, Jamie volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sandy and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Sandy came to Jamie and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find my favorite gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Jamie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So she sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle.
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

2007-12-26 15:35:56 · 16 answers · asked by MexicanHottie101 1

There were three women who were in prison- one was blonde, one was brunette, and the other one had red hair. They were in prison because they killed people. One day they escaped, hoping that no one would catch them. Sure enough, the security guards were chasing them down. The only thing in sight was a barn, so they decided to hide in it. They could see the light from the flashlights, so they decided to hide in some potato sacks. The guards come in looking everywhere for the prisoners. Then, when one guard looked at the lumpy bags, he decided to kick them. First he kicked the one with a brunette in it. Thinking quickly, she said "Arf, arf."
"Must be a dog," thought the guard. So he kicked the second bag with the redhead in it. She said "Meow, meow." Thinking it must be a cat, he moved on to the third bag which had the blonde. Whenever he kicked it, the blonde said... "Potatos!"

Thank you, thank you. STAR IF FUNNY!

2007-12-26 15:06:49 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central Standard Time, Bob, a buff blonde guy, inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago.

"The next plane to Chicago leaves at 1:00 p.m.," the ticket agent said, "and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m."

"Would you repeat that, please?" Bob asked.

The agent did so and then inquired, "Do you want a reservation?"

"No," said Bob, "But I think I'll hang around and watch that thing take off."

2007-12-26 14:57:25 · 17 answers · asked by Mr. X 4

Tom had a problem getting up in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and even beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

"Boss," he said, "the pill actually worked!"

"That's fine," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"

2007-12-26 14:50:01 · 26 answers · asked by Mr. X 4

1)The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

2)A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it
since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.

3)Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa, a Man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

4)A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
"A billionaire." she replied,

5)It's not true that married men live longer than single men.
It only seems longer.

6)The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

7)Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life Thinking they had no faults at all.

2007-12-26 14:36:12 · 10 answers · asked by Philomena 5

Three middle aged women were sitting on the front porch drinking lemonade spiked with a little rum and talking about their husband's sex drive. They decided to compare them to soft drinks.

Helen said she would call her husband a seven-up. He has seven inches and it is always up.

Hilda said her husband was like mountaindew He always mounts her and he knows what to do.

Brenda said her husband was like Jack Daniels.

Hilda said Jack Daniels is not a soft drink. It is a hard liquor.

Brenda said"Yep, that's my Leroy".

2007-12-26 14:01:20 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am not talking about knock knock jokes or ok so two people walk into a bar, or even what do you call a .....

I mean like when people are talking and you just say something stupid but its funny. like stuff chandler wouold say (ok not exactly like him but well, you get the point).

2007-12-26 13:46:55 · 13 answers · asked by maemae 2

He laid her on the table
So white clean and bare
His forhead wet with beads of sweat
He touched her here and there
He touched her neck and then her breast
And then drooling felt her thigh
The slit was wet and all was set
He gave a joyus cry
The hole was wide...He looked inside
All was dark and murky
He rubbed his hands and streched out his arms
And then stuffed the turkey
WISHING YOU ALL HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

!!!GET YOUR MIDS OUT OF THE GUTTER!!!!!!

2007-12-26 13:37:17 · 12 answers · asked by 1 UnIqUe InDiViDuAl 5

Marriage

Johnny and Susie, each five years old, decided to get married.
So Johnny went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage. "Where will you live?" asked Susie's dad, thinking this is cute.

"Well," said Johnny, "I figured I could just move into Susie's room. It's plenty big for both of us."

"And how will you live?" "I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance. That should be enough."

Getting exasperated since Johnny seems to know all the answers, Susie's dad asked, "And what if little ones come along?"

"Well," said Johnny, "we've been lucky so far."


Star if you like!

2007-12-26 13:28:44 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny's 3rd grade teacher made a deal with the class. If anyone could answer a trivia question on Thursday, they would not have class on Friday. Everyone was really excited.
The first Thursday, the teacher asked the question, "How many gallons on water are there in the whole world?" All the students groaned because no one could possible know that.
The next week, the teacher asked, "How many grains of sand are there on all the beaches of world?" Again, no one could possibly know that.
Little Johnny was determined to get a Friday off and came up with a plan.
The next Thursday, he took a couple of black marbles to class with him. Right when the teacher got ready to ask the question, Johnny rolled the marbles towards the front of the room. The teacher saw them and asked, "All right, who's the comedian with the little black balls?"
Johnny exclaimed, "Eddie Murphy! See you on Monday!"


STar if you like!

2007-12-26 13:27:07 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Grandmas House
>> Little Johnny was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while
when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
>> >>>
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Johnny just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.
>> >>>
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
"Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called bunk
beds.... and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you.
>>


Star if you like!

2007-12-26 13:24:15 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-26 12:55:48 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Redneck told the pharmacist, "I have a hot date tonight, and I need me some pertection. How much is a pack of them there rubbers gonna cost me"?
The pharmacist responded, " A three-pack of condoms is $6.99, with tax".
"TACKS"! hollered the Redneck, "Gawll A'Mighty! Don't they stay on by theirselves"?!

2007-12-26 11:43:50 · 12 answers · asked by jfmm 7

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the docotor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

2007-12-26 11:39:15 · 21 answers · asked by specialforces_bassist 3

An elderly couple went into a doctor. They told the doctor "We’re having some trouble with our sex life. Could you watch and offer some suggestions?"

The doctor replied, "I’m not a sex therapist. You should find someone else."

The couple said, "No, No, we trust you."

After watching them make love, the doctor said, "You don’t seem to be having any troubles. I wish my sex life was as good. I can’t give you any suggestions."

This was repeated the next week and also the third week. After they had finished on the third week, the doctor said, "You aren’t having any trouble. Is this your idea of kinky sex?"

The man replied, "No, actually the problem is if we have sex at my house, my wife will catch us. If we have sex at her house, her husband will catch us. The motel charges us $75, and we can’t afford that. You only charge $50, and Medicare pays half of that."

2007-12-26 11:23:47 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Cowboy from brokeback mountain was feeling crook....

So he went to the doctor.

The Doc told him, "I'm not going to beat around the bush - you've got AIDS".

"What can I do"? Asked the Cowboy.

"Go home and eat 5kgs of spicy sausage, 4 cabbages, 3 boxes of all bran and top it off with 2 Lts of prune juice".

"Will that cure me", asked the Cowboy

"No", said the Doc. "But it might give you a better understanding of what your **** is actually for".

2007-12-26 10:58:21 · 4 answers · asked by raybbies 5

To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill).
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

2007-12-26 10:47:39 · 4 answers · asked by pd6491 2

I will seek and find you .
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you......... I will make
you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm
finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,



The Flu
now get your mind out of the gutter and get your flue jab!!!!!!!

2007-12-26 09:56:48 · 11 answers · asked by st.abbs 5

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?



Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.



Older Woman: Oh, I see.



Officer: Can I see your license please?



Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.



Officer: Don't have one?



Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.



Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.



Older Woman: I can't do that.



Officer: Why not?



Older Woman: I stole this car.



Officer: Stole it?



Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.



Officer: You what?



Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.






The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.



A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.




Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.



Older woman: Is there a problem sir?



Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.



Older Woman: Murdered the owner?



Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.



The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.




Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?



Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.



Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.






The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.






Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.


Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

2007-12-26 09:22:25 · 18 answers · asked by omg_itz_nancy 2