Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

2007-12-31 07:55:08 · 4 answers · asked by ? 3

What's the difference between a greek wedding & a greek funeral?














There's one less person drinking at the funeral.

thanks for the star if you laughed.
And it's just a joke people, no offense intended.

2007-12-31 07:48:54 · 10 answers · asked by Will S 6

and the doctor feinted!
Old Mcdonald had a farm
and the doctor committed suicide!

2007-12-31 07:45:58 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok i have a little game... who ever can rearrange the phrase "New Years Eve" with the most words they get the 10 bonus pts if u bother trying u'll have 2pts so wat have u got to lose ;)

2007-12-31 07:18:11 · 6 answers · asked by ♥Pritty Girl♥ 2

i want to hear some rlly funni ones and u dont have to be a blonde

2007-12-31 07:17:52 · 8 answers · asked by ♥mandii♥paigey&&addy♥ 1

Finish the question.

2007-12-31 07:07:42 · 15 answers · asked by ? 3

Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout. Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.

They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain.

But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.

About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought."

Sally replied, "I don't understand! Those matches should be fine. I tested each one just before we left.

2007-12-31 07:00:21 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I Like Your Thinking

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."

2007-12-31 06:51:39 · 36 answers · asked by ? 3

Shamelessly asking for stars, cause this is the best I've ever heard.

The New Year's Eve party had turned into a regular marathon with numerous guests coming and going.
At one point, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to the bar in the basement. He sat there happily for several hours until countdown, then toasted the new year with several passionate kisses with the many attractive female guests before a strange expression dawned on his face. "You know," he confided to his host, "I wasn't even invited to this party. I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my driveway."

The guest continued, "My wife's been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved."

2007-12-31 06:46:27 · 6 answers · asked by Vangorn2000 6

What do women and dog poo have in common the older they get the easier they are to pick up

2007-12-31 06:44:19 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

man hires chinese p.i. chen lee, to watch his wife....
a few days later he gets this report::::::
most hon sir.
i watch house
u leave house
he came to house
he and she leave house
i follow
he and she go hotel
i climb tree and look in window
he kiss she
she kiss he
he strip
she strip
he play with she
she play with he
i play with me
i fall out of tree
i not see
no fee
chen lee
weely sollee!

2007-12-31 06:28:56 · 17 answers · asked by roger the alien 2

a parrot swallows a viagra tablet, his owner is disgusted and puts him in the freezer to cool him off... later when he opens the freezer he finds the parrot sweating, "how come you are sweating? he asks....... the parrot replied "do u know how fuc*ing hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken"

2007-12-31 06:17:31 · 11 answers · asked by roger the alien 2

in every room he leaves a pyramid
His favourite bone is in my arm
Last night he went on the paper four times, three times I was reading it!

2007-12-31 05:57:13 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

They are really hard and might kind of hurt your head a bit but can you answer them? They are just one word answers.

1. Changeless course, running through, guiding Fate, what else does it do? Cursing or praising, speak its name, its course can bring you fame or shame.

2. Think before you act; don’t be rash, words can make men and break them; words can start wars or end them; just in the present tense.

3. whereas its sister; is changeless, definitive, it loves; your pains, your joys; it plays dangerous games; pushes you off your course- it hinders, it lames; it helps, it aids; enough to change your path- but doesn’t quite, thinking of the roadblocks; of life

4. you, your not my, mine three on three,{!}all different; tell me, wherefore art thou; speak{!}

5. You, yours; defining identity, uttered, catches your attention; sometimes shared, still unique, but not quite so.

6. pleading, asking, frantic, worried, hoping and –

2007-12-31 03:48:07 · 13 answers · asked by Tyler 3

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?" Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. "Got
drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

2007-12-31 03:04:20 · 11 answers · asked by Steve C 7

A woman put in a phone call to the police, complaining that her next door male neighbor walked around the house nude, and that she could see him plainly through his large glass door.

The officer assured her that he was probably harmless, but that he'd go over to her house and take a look to see if he did anything disturbing.

The officer arrived at the house and the woman brought him to the kitchen and indicated a window. The officer peered out, but saw only a rather tall hedge blocking the view. "Ma'am", said the officer, "That hedge is plenty high enough. There's no way you can possibly see your neighbor from here."

"Yes you can," the woman insisted, "You need to stand up on the kitchen table in order to see him."

2007-12-31 02:47:24 · 15 answers · asked by Vangorn2000 6

mine are:

The magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field

HAHA

Q)"what do you do if a bird poops on your windscreen?"
A)"Dont take her out again!"

HAHA

Three heavily pregnant women, one brunette, one ginger and one blonde were sat on a park bench. the brunette said: "I heard that what position you were in while having sex determines what gender your baby is. I was on top so mines a boy." The ginger said "oh, i was below so mines going to be a girl." The brunette and ginger turned towards the blonde who looked slight bemused and asked the blonde :" so what gender is your baby going to be?" The blonde replied: "im having puppies!"

HAHA

what do you think?

now tell me your best funny jokes XD

:o)

happy new year!

x

2007-12-31 02:36:41 · 9 answers · asked by MEGative 4

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

2007-12-31 02:27:14 · 38 answers · asked by Anonymous

Chores

A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?"

"No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?"

"You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs."

The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he kicks a chicken. Next, we walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her.

Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig.

Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry...

His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but some spinach. Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?"

"Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs.

I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk.

I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage."

Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"

2007-12-31 02:13:49 · 23 answers · asked by MissBeauty1989 2

Sex

A noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devised a test to tell for certain how often someone had sex. To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people, and went down the line asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately how often each person had sex.

The last man in line was grinning from ear to ear.

"Twice a day," the therapist guessed, but was surprised when the man said no.

"Once a day, then?" Again the answer was no.

"Twice a week?"

"No."

"Twice a month?"

"No."

When the doctor asked, "Once a year?" the man finally said yes.

The therapist was angry that his theory hadn't worked with this individual, and he asked the man, "What the heck are you so happy about?"

The man answered, "Tonight's the night!"

2007-12-31 02:11:30 · 12 answers · asked by MissBeauty1989 2

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.

The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid," answers the woman.

"We don't have a maid," says the man.

The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the lady of the house."

The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

The woman replies, "She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband."

The guy is fuming and says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"

The maid says, "What will I have to do?"

The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot thewitch and the jerk she's with."

The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.

The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"

The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."

Puzzled, the maid answers, "But you don't have a pool."

A long pause and the man says, "Is this 567-5309?"

2007-12-31 02:04:25 · 13 answers · asked by smurf 3

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.
After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her. I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No," the CIA man replied. "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go the hell home."
Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing, one shot after another, for 13 shots. Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman....... She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the son of a b*tch to death with the chair!"

2007-12-31 02:00:57 · 25 answers · asked by Quizard 7

These are true things said in court...

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

______________________________________...

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

_____________________________________


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

______________________________________...

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

--- And the best for last: ---


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?


WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

2007-12-31 01:23:11 · 9 answers · asked by >o_OStarry Eyed>VandazZ 3

John Wayne movie

2007-12-31 00:55:57 · 2 answers · asked by jbps8810 1

There was a man who couldn't talk and he wanted to learn how.

So he went to an oprera and heard the singer go "Meeeeeeeeeeemeeeeeemeeeeeeee."

Next he went to a pottery store and heard a salesman going "Forks and knives, forks and knives."

Next, in the street he heard a kid go "He stole my lollipop!"

He walked around all day learning these phrases. While he was practicing he accidently walked on a murder scene and practically tripped over the dead guy in the street. Before he knows it, he's talking to a policeman who asks "Who killed this man?"

"Meeeeemeeeeemeeeeee"

"Well, how did you kill him?"

"Forks and knives, forks and Knives"

"But why did you kill him?"

"He stole my lollipop!"

"Okay, you're coming with me mister!"

2007-12-31 00:51:59 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6 Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5 The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4 Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
1. Other women

2007-12-31 00:29:32 · 23 answers · asked by Flypaper 4 Freaks 2

A Hell of a Decision
----------

A man dies and goes straight to Hell. The devil greets him and immediately makes him face a big decision: "You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever room you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll finally go to heaven after years of waiting and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room."

The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped over and over again. In the second room is a man strapped to a table being subjected to Chinese water torture. Finally, in the third room is a man sitting in a chair while being pleasured by a beautiful woman.

"I choose this room!" the man says.

"Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.

"You can go now. I've found you're replacement."

2007-12-31 00:18:48 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Here's an example of why men do not write advice columns...

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me. The other day I left for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car slowed to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make-up. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to convince me that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make-up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He lost his job six months ago and says he has be en feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila Lusk

*******

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of problems with the engine. Start by making sure there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the clips holding the vacuum hoses onto the intake manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.

Walter

2007-12-31 00:16:22 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

The dog I baby-sit is about a foot tall, but it can climb 3 flights of stairs, jump up to turn the door-knob, enter my room and jump onto my bed for 1 cheerio.

2007-12-30 23:47:46 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

BILL GATES: ”I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........ reboot. "

ALBERT EINSTEIN: ”Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken.”

BILL CLINTON: ”I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: "I invented the chicken!"

COLONEL SANDERS: “Did I miss one?"

DICK CHENEY: “Where’s my gun?"

AL SHARPTON: “Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens."

Hillary Clinton: “I have vast experience with chickens and if elected, I will ensure that EVERY chicken has the ability to cross any road they desire.”

2007-12-30 23:36:17 · 6 answers · asked by LeeA 3