Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

Two young Irish men had been out sleeping with their girl friends. One felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess. He went into the confession booth and told the priest, "Father, I have sinned. I have sex with a young lady. Please forgive me."

The priest said, "Tell me my son, who the young lady was." The young man said he couldn't do that and the priest said he couldn't grant him forgiveness unless he did.

"Was it Mary Kelly?" asked the priest."
"No."
"Was it Rosie Ryan?"
"No."
"Was it that red-headed hussey Brigid O'Reilly?"
"No."
"Well then," said the priest, "You'll not be forgiven."

When the young man met his friend outside the friend asked, "So, did you find forgiveness." "No," said the other, "but I picked up three good prospects!"

2007-12-29 07:21:37 · 18 answers · asked by .... 6

A man comes home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the
bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and
panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He
rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old
son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Mick's hiding in your wardrobe and
he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his
screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his
brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
"You bonehead!" says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack, and you're
running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"

2007-12-29 07:20:06 · 22 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Lost at Sea, two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.

To his amazement, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish,not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer! The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick and after a long, tension filled moment, he spoke. "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

2007-12-29 07:13:51 · 15 answers · asked by .... 6

Let's face it, English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant.
No ham in the hamburger.
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England.
And French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted.
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly,
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing?
If the plural of tooth is teeth,
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth?
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
What the heck does a humanitarian eat?
Why do people recite at a play,
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways?
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
And as cold as hell on another?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down.
And in which you fill in a form,
By filling it out.
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers.
And it reflects the creativity of the human race.
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why,
When the stars are out, they are visible
But when the lights are out, they are invisible
And it's why when I wind up my watch,
It starts.
But when I wind up this poem,
It ends.

2007-12-29 06:59:34 · 26 answers · asked by .... 6

Man : "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man : "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

2007-12-29 06:55:11 · 19 answers · asked by .... 6

I always thought it was do not talk to wolves that can talk, but my teachers do not agree.

2007-12-29 06:44:39 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

2007-12-29 06:19:06 · 13 answers · asked by Lil♥Devil 2

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:




ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

2007-12-29 05:55:51 · 18 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Suite?

2007-12-29 05:39:49 · 9 answers · asked by Kentucky Dave 6

star if u like it.
Little Johnny was going to his faters house one day and he was packing everthing in his room and putting it in his little red wagon.

He was walking to his fathers house with his wagon behind him, when he came to this hill.

He started up the hill but was constantly swearing "This God damn thing is so heavy"

A priest heard him and came out. "You shouldn't be swearing" said the priest. "God hears you...He is everywhere...He's in the chruch...He's on the sidewalk...He's everywhere"

Then Little Johnny says "Oh is he in my Wagon"

The prist replies "Yes Johnny God is in your Wagon"

Little Johnny says "Well tell him to get the hell out and start pulling"

2007-12-29 04:28:33 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Rock and Roll died the day (Buddy Holly, Jimi Hendrix, or John Lennon) _________ died.

2007-12-29 04:15:31 · 18 answers · asked by daydream♥believer 4

my bro plays MS and he heard that someone did this "oh and i got a new comp" "really how?" "oh thats easy, i smashed my comp. with a b-ball bat so i could get a new one"
honestly i thin that this is weird but i want others opinune

2007-12-29 03:54:13 · 5 answers · asked by Zachi2 4

The mother thought that the child has grown, should be given sex education. She explains in 1/2 hr about sex. The child asks-How will I write all this in this small column of the application which asks-SEX - M / F ?

2007-12-29 03:46:19 · 17 answers · asked by a k 6

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, were growing in the woods. A small tree began to grow between them, and the beech asked the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch"?
The birch said he could not tell. Just then a woodpecker landed on the young sapling.
"Woodpecker, you, sir, are a tree expert. Will you tell us if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch"? asked the birch.
The woodpecker took a taste of the small tree.
He replied, "That is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in"!

2007-12-29 03:10:12 · 15 answers · asked by jfmm 7

The old maid twins were turning 100 years old, so the editor of the local paper sent his photographer to the nursing home to take pictures of the twins.
There they stood, dressed so sweetly, smiling. He asked them to sit on the sofa, and began getting ready for the shoot.
One, hard of hearing, asked the other, "WHAT DID HE SAY"?
The other answered, "WE GOTTA SIT DOWN ON THE SOFA"!
"Now get a little closer", said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY"?
"HE SAID SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE", answered her twin, as she wiggled closer.
"Just hold on for a bit longer; I've got to focus a little", the photographer told them.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY"?
"HE SAID HE'S GONNA FOCUS"!
With a huge grin, the deaf twin shouted out, "OH,MY! GOODNESS! BOTH OF US"?!

2007-12-29 03:06:36 · 11 answers · asked by jfmm 7

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn't get a clear picture of the problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"And how did she look?"

"Oh boy, she looked very angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere. "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window."

2007-12-29 03:00:53 · 14 answers · asked by jfmm 7

As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent.

Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult.

Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest night clothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed.

The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door. "KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"

Husband: "Guess who?"

Wife: "I know who it is!"

Husband:"Guess what I want?"

Wife: "I know what you want!"

Husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"

2007-12-29 02:57:24 · 8 answers · asked by jfmm 7

One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast and again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park---" and right then the power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Sweetie, why don't you just go ahead and leave it in the garage just this once?"

2007-12-29 02:52:49 · 14 answers · asked by jfmm 7

1.What can run but never walks, has a mouth but never talks, has a head but never weeps, has a bed but never sleeps?

2. What's the least number of chairs you would you need around a table to sit four fathers, two grandfathers, and four sons?

3. Whoever makes it, tells it not. Whoever takes it, knows it not. And whoever knows it wants it not.

2007-12-29 02:30:52 · 19 answers · asked by -ForeverrYoung♥* 3

I mean like when you keep finding dead bodys etc.

2007-12-29 01:50:29 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

asked the husband. "How do you control your temper like that?"

The wife answered, " I just go clean the toilets."

"How does that help your temper?" he asked

"I use your toothbrush', she said

2007-12-29 01:25:34 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

My wife and I were argueing the other day like we always do. And for the first time in a long time I got the upper hand. She asked "just what would you men have if it weren't for us women"? And I looked her square in the eye and said "one more rib"!

2007-12-29 01:21:28 · 3 answers · asked by Jackolantern 7

2007-12-29 00:45:18 · 2 answers · asked by ? 3

Heres The Postman Pat Riddle:

Postman Pat, Postman Pat and his black & white cat, flying over venus, Jess scratching on his penis
=]

Here is the McDonald Riddle:
O'McDonald When to Mars then he went to Venus,
A Shooting Star When Up His **** And Paralyzed His Penis =P (THAT GOTTA HURT!)

Star if you like them :D

2007-12-29 00:24:48 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning
Building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding
a blanket for them to jump into.

The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to
survive!"

The Brunette jumps and SWISHES! The firemen yank the blanket away...the
Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You got to jump!' say the firemen to the
Redhead.
"Oh no! You're going to pull the blanket away!" says the redhead.

"No! Its Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with
Redheads!"

"OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The
Firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like
a pancake.

Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again,The firemen yell
"Jump! You have to jump!"

"No way! You're just going to pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.

"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

"Look," the Blonde says, "Nothing you say is going to
Convince me that you're not going to pull the blanket away! So what I want you
to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it . . ."

2007-12-29 00:14:36 · 23 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A cowboy from Texas gets pulled over by an Arizona Trooper for
speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his
speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to
make the cowboy feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around
to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting
at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and says, "Well yeah, if that's what
they're called. But I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches.
They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling
around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But,
a moment later he stops and asks, "Are you callin' me a horse's ***?"
"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law enforcement
to call y'all a horse's ***."

"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says,
"Hard to fool them flies though."

2007-12-29 00:06:40 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Last night my wife and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my beer.

2007-12-28 23:14:55 · 9 answers · asked by David 6

In the 1980s

"Johnny,Johnny..."

"what,papa?"

"eating sugar?"

"no,papa"

"telling lies?"

"no,papa"

"open your mouth"

"hahaha"

In the 1990s

'johnny johnny"

yes,papa

drinking whisky?

no,papa

telling lies?

no.papa

open your mouth

hahaha

In the 2000s

Johnny johnny

what papa ?

enjoying girlfriend

no papa

telling lies?

no papa

show the bedroom

hahaha

2007-12-28 22:27:59 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks
away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the
driveway when he approached his home.
The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing
happened.

He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home
before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left,
past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached
what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen is the cat
there?" "Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife. Frustrated the man said, "Put
that cat on the phone, I am lost and I need directions."

2007-12-28 22:05:42 · 36 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A nurse is walking through the hospital when she ses two doctors fighting.
She breaks them up and yells, 'Why are you fighting?'
The first doctor says, 'It's that man on E Ward - you know, the one with the Man U pyjamas, Dr Smith has just told him that he's only got 2 weeks to live.'
The nurse replies, 'Look, Dr Jones. There was nothing more we could have done for the man - he just had to be told.'
Dr Smith says 'I know that, but i wanted to be the one to tell the b@stard.

A woman goes to her doctor and says, 'Can you get pregnant from anal sex?'
The doctor says, 'Of course, where do you think Millwall fans come from.

Q. Why doesn't Osama Bin Laden have sex and driving lessons on the same day?
A. Because the camel can't manage it

A man walks into a chemist and asks for some deodorant
'Ball or aerosol?' the assistant asks.
The man says, 'Neither, it's for my armpits.'

Q. Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?
A. he opened a warehouse.

2007-12-28 21:23:27 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous