Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

A guy has a horny parrot. It's terrible. Every time he reaches into the cage, the bird humps his arm. He invites his mother to tea, the bird keeps saying foul things. Finally he takes the parrot to a vet.
The vet examines the bird extensively, says, "Well, you have a horny male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for fifteen dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine."

The guy's parrot is listening and says, "Come on! Come on! What are you waiting for??"

Finally, the guy says all right and hands over the fifteen dollars.

The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird, closes the curtain. Suddenly, "Kwah! Kwah! Kwah!" Feathers come flying out of the cage.

The vet says, "Holy gee," and runs across the room and opens the curtain.

The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage, pulling out all her feathers. He's saying, "For fifteen bucks, I want you naked. Naked!"

2007-12-30 01:54:45 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Naughty joke:-


A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show.
The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?"
She agrees and a date is made.
The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face.
He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked.
She said "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said 'Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall.'"

2007-12-30 00:13:25 · 10 answers · asked by Pd 6

A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils' answer by reciting a short poem.

The first kid sat in the first row was a teachers pet. He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can."

The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby ... if I can, and I think I can."

The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don't give a darn about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can ... and I think can!"

2007-12-29 22:56:15 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

" Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper."

"If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark."

"Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf."

"An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing."

"Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do?Turn out the lights! "

"The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things."

"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."

"Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference."

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVRYONE!Hug♥

2007-12-29 20:35:57 · 20 answers · asked by Schumi 5

Have you ever wondered what your Boss put on you're evaluation
report.? Well here are some actual quotes from employee evaluation reports.

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and now
shows signs of starting to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid
curiosity."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definitely won't be."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat
in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them."

"This employee should go far -- and the sooner he gets kicked out the
exit, the better."

2007-12-29 20:00:47 · 15 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

A doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness, that's good. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a very serious pile-up on the motorway. But you're going to be OK, you'll walk again, you'll do everything as before, but something did happen. Look, I'm trying to break this to you as gently as possible, you see, your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man wails a bit, but the doctor reassures him, "It's going to be alright. We have the technology now to build you a new one that will work just as well as your old one did - better in fact. But the thing is, this operation doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch".

The bloke perks up at this, even though it's a thousand pounds an inch.

"So the thing is," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher now, well, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's very important that she plays a role."

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So" says the doctor, "Have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have" says the man.

"And did she help you in making the decision?"

"Yes she did" says the man.

And what is it?" asks the doctor.

"We're having a new kitchen."

2007-12-29 19:54:59 · 28 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

One hot summer day, three buddies, Tom, Bob, and Dave went fishing on Dave's boat. A fun afternoon of fishing and drinking turned bad when Dave, who couldn't swim and had no life jacket on, fell overboard. He wasn't discovered missing for at least ten minutes. When Tom and Bob realized this, they took turns diving in to look for Dave. After their fifth attempt, and six more beers later, Tom pulled a lifeless body up from the depths and placed him into the boat where Bob attempted mouth-to-mouth. After several minutes, Bob said "I didn't realize Dave's breath was so bad". Tom said "I didn't notice he was wearing a snowmobile suit".

2007-12-29 19:23:16 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-29 19:14:29 · 13 answers · asked by Justin B 1

in season one or two of the OC, who shows up at the Cohen door after seth says: "the way things are going i bet thats oliver"

2007-12-29 16:36:10 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

It starts with an H, ends with an E, has something to do with messing up a yard, cleaning, and can get you in so much trouble you might be grounded through Christmas. What is it?

2007-12-29 15:57:51 · 7 answers · asked by Sexy C 3

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Faluijiah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent". We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

He wouldn't show himself so I could get a shot off, so I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife scumbag, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk.

"So I yelled back that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!" He retaliated by yelling, "Well so does Hillary Clinton". And, there we were, in the middle of the road shaking hands, when a truck ran us over.

2007-12-29 15:46:58 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

An older couple were lying in bed after an evening celebrating there 50th Wedding Anniversary. The husband was falling asleep,but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to go back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite me on my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

He answered, "To get my teeth!"

2007-12-29 15:01:36 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

If so, how did you do it ?

Most everyone I know already knew it was. The only one that was not convinced, only became so after examining each piece of evidence for himself. Boy was he SHOCKED ! Six months later, he's still shaken up.
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AhR8a1NHSS7Kv_FKpxotSvHty6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20070831150623AAwL0jH&show=7#profile-info-x97ktCqwaa

2007-12-29 14:53:10 · 17 answers · asked by Joe_Pardy 5

i think its really hairist but does it ruin the humour? tell me what you think:

'a brunette, a redhead and a blonde were about to be executed by gunfire all at the same time. the brunette was up first. the chief officer shouted "ready, armed -"
"hurricane!" screamed the redhead. as they all turned their heads, the brunette escaped. next was the redhead. the chief officer shouted "ready, armed -"
"tsunami!" screamed the redhead. as they all turned their heads the redhead escaped. now it was the blonde's turn, but she had caught on to what the other girls had done. the chief officer shouted "ready, armed -"
"fire!" screamed the blonde.

2007-12-29 14:04:20 · 63 answers · asked by pj_jc_jh 3

Work Wanted

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

2007-12-29 13:20:20 · 12 answers · asked by Suzan K 5

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .

"HEBREWS"

2007-12-29 12:32:54 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident. So when they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that, unfortunately, heaven is overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for admission.
The teacher is first, and St. Peter asks, "Name the famous ship that was sunk by an iceberg?" "Phew, that one's easy," says the teacher, "The Titanic." "Alright," said St.Peter, "you may pass."

Then the thief got his question: "How many died on the Titanic?" The thief replied, "That's a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer is 1500 people." And so he passed through.

Last, St. Peter gave the lawyer his question: "Name them."

2007-12-29 12:30:08 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill, and Billy come stay with her over Christmas. And every Christmas Eve they would make a big bowl of cookie dough so they could make cookies on Christmas Day. And every time, the next morning the cookie dough would be gone. The grandma could never catch them, so this year she put metal bb's in the cookie dough. The next morning, the cookie dough was gone and soon Suzy came running downstairs.
''Grandma, I went to the bathroom to pee and bb's came out.''

"Suzy," Grandma said. "I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." Then Jill came down and said ''Grandma, I went poo and there were bb's in it.''

"Jill, I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." About five minutes later little Billy came.

''Grandma something terrible has happened, I was jerking off in the garage and I shot the cat!''

2007-12-29 10:58:18 · 9 answers · asked by ♥Skully♥ 3

Glue the TV remote between his ankles...

2007-12-29 10:52:12 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

2007-12-29 10:47:06 · 11 answers · asked by Being Happy is a Fairy Tale 2

... you wake up one hour earlier

2007-12-29 10:30:09 · 9 answers · asked by oracle 5

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Do you have to tell it all?
Where do you get the glaring right
To make my clothes look too darn tight?
I think I'm fine but I can see
You won't cooperate with me,
The way you let the shadows play
You'd think my hair was getting gray.
What's that, you say? A double chin?
No, that's the way the light comes in,
If you persist in peering so
You'll confiscate my facial glow,
And then if you're not hanging straight
You'll tell me next I'm gaining weight,
I'm really quite upset with you
For giving this distorted view;
I hate you being smug and wise
O, look what's happened to my thighs!
I warn you now, O mirrored wall,
Since we're not on speaking terms at all,
If I look like this in my new jeans
You'll find yourself in smithereens!!

2007-12-29 10:04:34 · 29 answers · asked by .... 6

Teenage son to dad...... " There`s a problem with the car,.. water in the carburetter "
Father.... " Water in the carburetter?... don`t be silly "
son.... " i promise you there`s water in the carburetter."
Father... " you don`t even know what a carburetter looks like , where is the car? "
son.... " In the swimming pool. "

2007-12-29 09:43:04 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

Starting the day with a conversation between a wife and a husband who happens to be a software engineer.
Husband :(Returning late from work) "Good Evening Dear, I'm now logged in."
Wife :Have you brought the grocery?
Husband :Bad command or filename.
Wife :But I told you in the morning
Husband :Erroneous syntax. Abort?
Wife :What about my new TV?
Husband :Variable not found ...
Wife :At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband :Sharing Violation. Access denied...
Wife :Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?
Husband :Too many parameters ...
Wife :It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband :Data type mismatch.
Wife :You are useless.
Husband :It's by Default.
Wife :What about your Salary?
Husband :File in use ... Try after some time.
Wife :What is my value in the family.
Husband :Unknown Virus.

2007-12-29 08:55:46 · 17 answers · asked by .... 6

An old man was grocery shopping with his grandson. The toddler was crying and at times screaming at the top of his lungs.

As the old gentleman walked up and down the aisles, people could hear him speaking in a soft voice..

"We are almost done, Albert ... Try not to cry, Albert ... Life will get better, Albert."

As he approached the checkout stand, he gently brushed the toddler's tears from his eyes and said again, "Try not to cry, Albert ... We'll be home soon, Albert ..."

As he was paying the cashier, the toddler continued to cry and a young woman in line behind him said, "Sir, I think it's wonderful how sweet you're being to your little Albert."

The old gentleman blinked his eyes a couple of times before saying, "My grandson's name is John. I'm Albert."

2007-12-29 08:44:35 · 22 answers · asked by ~AstralRomance~ 2

A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked -
"Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"

Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!"

The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again -
"Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?

Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"

The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy -
"Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".

Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:
"HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!!!"

"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"

2007-12-29 08:22:45 · 17 answers · asked by .... 6

A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

2007-12-29 08:19:16 · 23 answers · asked by .... 6

Was it robin?
I'll kill him!

2007-12-29 08:10:09 · 13 answers · asked by me 5

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding on the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed (again).
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
Day 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, inattempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was ...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.But I can wait; it is only a matter of time....

2007-12-29 08:03:17 · 19 answers · asked by Quizard 7

NOT ronald mcdonald,,no wonder Bill Clinton got elected.

2007-12-29 07:50:47 · 1 answers · asked by themojoman_dj 1