Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

Did you know Helen Keller had a tree house?

Neither did she!

Ahahahahaha. Too good.

2007-12-30 12:29:14 · 7 answers · asked by X 4

2007-12-30 12:27:50 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have a reputation for corny jokes in my class (ex: why was the penguin afraid to go to england? because he was afraid of wales.) and i wanna give a really good one. i heard this one and i was curious as to whether it was worthy of noncorny status:

'A man asked God,"How long is a million years to you?"
God replied, "Only a second."
The man asked, " How much is a million dollars worth to you?"
God answered,"Only a penny."
Then the man asked," God, can I have a penny?"
God said, "Just give me a second."

Any input would be wonderful!

2007-12-30 12:23:56 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A single man walks into the store and buys whole-wheat bread, 3 brown eggs, and a jug of non-fat milk. The cashier says, "I know you are single." The man askes, "How did you know?" The cashier replies, "Your'e ugly."

Boy, that was a good one. Hahaha

2007-12-30 12:22:44 · 4 answers · asked by X 4

These are (supposedly) actual comments made on students’ report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but their comments are priceless.

Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

I would not allow this student to breed.

Your child has delusions of adequacy.

Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

This child has been working with glue too much.

When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week

It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

As a Middle school math teacher.....if only I could have been allowed to have made certain comments........ Hope you enjoyed!

2007-12-30 12:19:46 · 4 answers · asked by njmarknj 5

A "hooker" asked a surgeon 2 make another hole in her a**. The surgeon asked, "Why"? she said business is good so i'm opening another location......!

2007-12-30 12:18:41 · 3 answers · asked by LaT D 1

what is lighter than a feather, but most people can't hold it for more than 2 minutes

2007-12-30 11:53:53 · 8 answers · asked by Ann 3

John is fooling around with his Italian assistant. She gets pregnant. He doesn't want his wife to find out. John says to his assistant,"Go back to Italy. When the baby is born, send me a post card saying spaghetti. I'll send welfare checks every month." He buys her a plane ticket. About 9 months later, his wife says," Honey, you got the strangest postcard today." he reads it. It says: SPAGHETTI, SPAGHETTI, SPAGHETTI, SPAGHETTI, SPAGHETTI. TWO WITH MEATBALLS, THREE WITHOUT. SEND EXTRA SAUCE.

2007-12-30 11:33:39 · 23 answers · asked by meg 2

My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of those mood rings so that she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on her forehead.

2007-12-30 11:11:36 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

together this long and the man says when they first got married we went on our honeymoon and took a horse ride together and the horse nearly dismounted her so she leaned over and whispered in its ear thats once a few moments later it happened again and she leaned over and said thats twice a few moments later it happened again this time she jumped off screamed thats three times and shot it in the head killing it stone dead i jumped off my horse and in shock started shouting at her about what she had done she just looked at me and carmly said thats once weve been happily married ever since

2007-12-30 10:52:09 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

her and puts his trunk up her skirt.Giggling girlshly and too shy to look round,she says:"I don't know who you are,but I come here every Tueday and Thursday."
****
A group of OAPs is on a bus trip when to the seaside when 1 of the old ladies comes up to the driver and complains she's been molested.The driver thinks she must be senile and tells her to sit down.10 min later a 2 old lady totters to the front and makes the same complaint.He tells her to sit down too.10 min later a 3rd old lady screams she's been molested.The driver decides to investigate.He stops and walks to the back of the bus where he finds an old man on his hands and knees."What are you doing down there?"asks the driver."Looking for my tuopee,"says the old man."Three times I thought I'd found it,but when I grabbed it,it ran away".
****
2 Drunks are walking along a railtrack."These low stairs sure make for slow going,"says 1."it's not the stairs that slow me down,"the other says."It's the low banisters".
PLS ENJOY!!!!!!

2007-12-30 09:52:42 · 15 answers · asked by Wonderstar 6

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ."

The man sighs and says, "It's started . . "

Star it if u like it

2007-12-30 09:42:35 · 9 answers · asked by Denz 5

And immac for the other leg.

2007-12-30 09:39:00 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-30 09:31:17 · 13 answers · asked by Yankeelvr3xoxo 1

An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The
clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White Cloud.
"White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian.
"How much is it?"
"$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies.
"That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the
others?"
"Charmin is $2.00 a roll, and no name is 50 cents a roll."
The Indian doesn't have much money, so he opts for the no name. Within
a few hours, he is back at the trading post.
"I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he announces to the
clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne."
"Why?" asks the confused clerk.
"Cause it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no sh*t off an
Indian."

2007-12-30 08:26:48 · 24 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

One day a cat was in a an oak tree. The cat had been sitting there for several minutes, when she saw a birds nest. The cat crawled onto the brach that the nest was on, when it got hit by a pine cone. The cat was a little woozy, and almost fell off, but got her head back together, walked onto the branch a little further, when the branch Snapped! When the cat fell and hit the ground, it did land on its feet, but as soon as it's feet hit the ground, the cat's feet calapsed, and the cat rolled down a hill, until it came to a stop. Then the cat stood up, looking out into a field of mice.

What is wrong with this story? What is not factual about this story?

Good luck!

2007-12-30 08:12:16 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks
him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite
serious but can be cured with a small course of two
suppositories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and
so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and
shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the
second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using
rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second
suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to
obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls
his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand
on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine
home.
Suddenly the man screams in disgust.
"What's the matter?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"
"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did
that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."

2007-12-30 08:06:10 · 22 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Two hillbillies are sitting in a restaurant, when a woman walks in and has a sandwich. The woman soon stars coughing, and one hillbilly says "Kin yer swallow?" She shakes her head frantically.

The other hillbilly says "Kin yer breath?" She again shakes her head, now turning blue. Then the hillbilly bends over, lifts up her skirt, extends his tongue and gives her bottom a lick. The woman is so shocked that she manages to cough out the sandwich and gives the hillbilly a slap to the face.

The hillbilly says "Yeah, I heard about something called the Hind Lick maneouvre."

2007-12-30 08:04:21 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

An engineer dies and reports to hell.

Pretty soon, the engineer becomes dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and lifts, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer: "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies: "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and lifts, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies: "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there; send him up here."

Satan says: "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says: "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs and answers: "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

2007-12-30 07:58:10 · 32 answers · asked by Luck dragon 7

A skin have I
more eyes than one
I can be very nice
when I am done.
What am I?

2007-12-30 07:10:12 · 14 answers · asked by helena_b :) 1

John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife's
side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was
downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things
by getting up, John called his little boy into the room and asked him to 'Bring
this note to your beautiful Mummy.' The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to 'Bring this to
your silly Daddy.' The note read:

Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to
take it back to 'The lady in the kitchen'. The note read:

The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to 'Take this to
the poor man upstairs'. The note read:

I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand!

2007-12-30 06:43:04 · 25 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

With a nick nack paddywack give the dog a bone this old man came rolling home. Who Remembers a song like that from their childhood? And do you recall any others??

2007-12-30 06:42:02 · 13 answers · asked by j.pee69 6

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work, particularly which types of patients they'd had the best experiences with.

The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and asses are interchangeable."

2007-12-30 06:33:59 · 20 answers · asked by .... 6

A blonde walks into a chemist's and asks for some anal deodorant.
The chemist, a slightly bemused, explains to the woman that they dont sell it, and never have done.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the chemist she's often bought the stuff from this shop and would like some more.
'I'm sorry,' says the chemist. 'Do you have the container it came in?'
'Yes,' the blonde says, producing it from her bag.
The chemist says, 'But that's just a normal stick of under-arm deodorant.'
The blonde replies, 'But the label says "To apply, push up bottom".'

2007-12-30 06:33:38 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

LITTLE JOHNNY ON ..... GRAMMAR: Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, ' Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!' The teacher replied, 'Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go. Little Johnny, thinks for a bit, then says, ' You're an eight, but if you had bigger t*ts, you'd be a TEN!!! '



LITTLE JOHNNY ON ..... ENGLISH: Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, ' Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?' Johnny says ' Mas-tur-bate.' Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, Little Johnny, that's a mouthful.' Little Johnny says, ' No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a bl*wjob'


A teacher asks her class, ' If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little Johnny. He replies, ' None, they will all fly away with the first gun shot.' The teacher replies, ' The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.' Then little Johnny says ' I have a question for you. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?' The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, ' Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone. ' To which Little Johnny replied, ' The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking. '

2007-12-30 06:32:16 · 20 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Wheni was young my parents were so poor that if i didnt wake up on christmas morning with a hard on i had nothing to play with.

2007-12-30 06:30:34 · 9 answers · asked by vivienne s 2

Fidgety goes to buy a parrot, and the shopkeeper says, "We've got one for £100, one for £200 and one for £15."
"Why is that one so cheap?" says Fidgety.
"Well, it used to live in a brothel, so it's a bit foulmouthed." Fidgety says she doesn't mind, so she pays her £15 and takes the parrot home.
As soon as she takes the cover off the cage, the parrot says, "F*** me, a new brothel!" Then he looks at Fidgety and says, "F*** me, a new Madam."
"I am not a Madam, and this is not a brothel," says Fidgety, but she thinks it's quite funny.
Later on, her two teenage daughters come in. "F*** me," says the parrot, "New prostitutes!"
"We are not prostitutes," says the daughters, but they think it's quite funny too. "Wait till Dad comes in and hears this parrot, he'll go spare."
So they put the parrot in the hall.....the door opens and Dad comes in. Dad look at the parrot, and the parrot looks at him, then the parrot says....."F*** me, Bob, haven't seen you for weeks."

2007-12-30 05:34:04 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-30 05:28:57 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hours after the end of the world, a border dispute emerged between Heaven and Hell. God invited the Devil over to discuss how to resolve the dispute. Satan suggests a game of football between Heaven and Hell.

God, always fair, says to the devil, "the heat must be affecting your brain, the game will be so one sided! Don't you know all the good players go to heaven?"

"Yeah," replied the Devil, smiling, "but we've got all the refs..."

2007-12-30 05:18:57 · 39 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is a riddle that I don't know the answer to, can anyone help?

2007-12-30 03:12:13 · 37 answers · asked by Anonymous