Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

he laid her on the table, so white clean and bare. his forehead et with beads of sweat. he rubbed her here and there. he touched her neck & then felt her breast, & then drooling felt her thigh. the slit wet & all was set, he gave a joyous cry, the hole was wide......he lookedinside, all was dark and murky. he rubbed his hands & stretched his arms.............and then he stuffed the turkey........... may i be the first to wish your dirty little mind a merry xmas...........lol

2007-12-01 08:40:26 · 13 answers · asked by roger the alien 2

page 1... a day last week
her diary.. he was quite, subdued, just not himself, something was wrong, he hasn't kissed me all night, not even looked in my direction, i think its another women, i went to bed and cried, he followed me up later, i cuddled up to him and stroked his hair. he lay still, eventually we made love and fell to sleep....
his diary....
england lost, !gutted! got a shag though!

2007-12-01 07:56:45 · 12 answers · asked by roger the alien 2

Ok girls have you ever given yourself a hotfoot in the kitchen?

Here's what happened:

I wanted to make my bf breakfast in bed, and it was supposed to be really romantic. But I dropped a pot of hot oatmeal on my toes this morning while making it!

I screamed bloody murder and he came out to see something like this. I am in my sexiest nightie holding a rose in one hand way over my head and my foot in the other hunched over on my right side hopping around in a circle for about 20 seconds yelping and cursing! Owwwie! And all I could think of was that I looked like a cartoon!

So have you ever given yourself a hot foot in the kitchen? And if you did, did you or would you hop up and down on one foot (spoiling the romantic moment)?

And most importantly do you think it would be okay for your bf to LAUGH????

Girls only! I already know the guys think this is funny! And don't try to pretend to be sensitive and say you don't cuz we don't believe it! Is this really funny, girls?????

2007-12-01 07:45:45 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A college professor told his students that they had 2 hours to complete a test. If they didn't get the test in by that 2 hr limit, then he wouldn't accept it.

So a boy comes in half an hour late and is given the test. He is told that he won't finish it and that it won't be excepted. He still goes to take it.

2 hrs after the boy started to take the test, so 30 min after the deadline, he hands it in. It's rejected. The boy then goes and says:

Do you KNOW who I AM?
The teacher says no.
Do YOU kNOW WHO I AM?
still no.
ARE YOU SURE YOU DON"T KNOW?
the teach says yes he doesn't know who he is.

The boy laughs and picks up the stack of papers that were accepted and thrusts his paper in the middle of the stack. on h is way out he shouts: And you won't know now either!!!



This is a joke we were telling in one of my classes. I was bored so decided to post it.

2007-12-01 07:41:44 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hint: I am not immortal

2007-12-01 07:34:28 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

He duly dies and approaches GOD. God says to him, well Simon, as on earth so it is in Heaven. Your last performance (I'm being honest) wasnt great anyway we have a phone vote here. Goody says Simon smugly. GOD gets the phones going. Two hours later - the votes are in. GOD summons Simon and says 'Good News, we had a massive vote for you!'. Brilliant says Simon when do I get the job? GOD says to him - all the votes came from Hell, GOODBYE!

2007-12-01 07:29:09 · 3 answers · asked by Puppet Dictator 5

One day the sultan Nasrudin was walking through the town with a piece of liver. His friend, Nosrudin, gave him a recipe for the liver. He hadn't got far when an eagle swooped down and grabbed the liver.
Nasrudin shouted in triumph "you may have the liver but i still have the recipe!!"





On a boiling hot day Nasrudin was riding in the hills with his donkey, Konya.
Konya was so thirsty, when she saw a lake from a high cliff she deserted Nasrudin and sprinted to the lake. Just before she jumped off all the frogs in the lake croaked like mad.
Konya was so scared she turned round and ran back to Nasrudin.
Nasrudin went to the top of the cliff and emptied his purse into the lake.
He bellowed "Thank you frogs, for saving my donkey!"
"Go and buy yourself some turkish delight!"

If you like it please star.

2007-12-01 07:28:47 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Catholic Priest was about to finish his tour
of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent
years teaching the natives, when he realizes that the one thing he never
taught them was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in
the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." They walk a little farther and he points to a
rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in
the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in
the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly
responds, "Man riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls
out his blowgun and kills them. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has
spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to

2007-12-01 06:38:59 · 13 answers · asked by ? 6

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.


"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.


"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.


"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"



But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"
The third piggy says -



"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

2007-12-01 06:12:06 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes
one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the
window.

Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins
to stroke her thigh.

As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatolegical
abnormalities."

"That's right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.

"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.

"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps of breast
cancer."

"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual
intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm
doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."


Star it if it is funny!

2007-12-01 05:53:48 · 16 answers · asked by Denz 5

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two
in it, but, here is one:




Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says
to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"






The birch says he cannot tell.




Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.




The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.
Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"






The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies,
"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It
is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker
in."




Now wipe that smile off your face.

2007-12-01 05:47:10 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Emily, I don't know what to do, Gloria said to her friend
at work. "That good looking Alan in accounting asked
me out for Saturday night.Should I go?"
"Oh, my God, her friend exclaimed. "He'll
wine you, dine you, and then use any excuse to get you up to his
apartment.Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll
have fantastic sex!"
What should I do?"Emily asked
"Just wear an old dress?"replied Gloria

2007-12-01 05:32:53 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

RESEARCH BY SEX THERAPIST




A sex therapist was doing research at the local college
when one of the male volunteers told him: "When I get
it in part way, my vision blurs. And when I get it all the way
in, I can't see a thing.




"Hmmm…that's an interesting optical reaction
to sex, " said the researcher. "Would you mind
if I had a look at it?"




So the volunteer struck out his tongue.

2007-12-01 05:32:38 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two funny blondes traveled 2 hours from town and walked deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree. They were all warmly dressed from head to toe carrying their saw, hatchet and a rope to drag the Christmas tree back to the car. They had thought of every little detail planning this trip.

The two blondes were so determined to find the perfect Christmas tree. So determined, that they searched for hours slugging through knee-deep snow, blistering wind and weren’t even distracted!

Finally, five hours had passed and the sun was beginning to set, so one blonde turned to the other blonde and said, "I GIVE UP! I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! There are hundreds of beautiful Christmas trees all around us. Let’s just cut one down whether it's decorated or not!!"

2007-12-01 05:23:37 · 19 answers · asked by .... 6

There is michael jackson,pope and 2 kids on a plane that is just aboot to smash.Michael Jackson and the pope are looking for some parachutes for them and kids but they only find 2 so they say to each other ''we have to jump of ourselfes '' sed pope.Then micheal jackson says ''wat about the kids?'' and the pope replied ;;ooohhhhhhhh fack them'' and michael jackson replied there is no time;''

lol hope u hav fun

2007-12-01 05:08:35 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

mom calls the husband a 'b@$t@rd' & then the dad calls the wife a "*****" & billy goes to his mom & says "mom what's a ***** & a b@$t@rd?" & the mom say "well, a ***** is a lady & a b@$t@rd is a gentlemen" & then later billy goes outside & listens to his neighbors, and hears "Put your p3n!$ in my v@g!na@!" So Billy goes to his mom & says "mom whats a p3n!$ & v@g!n@?" His moms say "Well Billy, a p3n!$ is a hat & a v@g!n@ is a coat" & then later billy sees his dad shaving & cuts himself andsays "$hyt" & billy said "Dad, whats $hyt"
& then his dad says "Well billy, $hyt is a type of Shaving cream " & then billy goes to see his mom cutting the turkey & his mom cuts her finger & says "fu**!" & then billy says to his mom "Mom whats f**k?" "Well billy f**k is a way of cutting the turkey" & Then later the guests arrive & billy goes to them & says"Hello b*tch3s & b@$tards, may I take p3n!s's & v@g!n@s, my dad's upstairs wiping $hyt off his face & my mom is in the kitchen f**k!ng the Turkey"

2007-12-01 05:08:09 · 5 answers · asked by omg_itz_nancy 2

It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.

The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.

"Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he was.

"Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he.

"And what did you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.

"Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage.

"May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage.

Inside the garage was the state troopers car.

2007-12-01 05:05:46 · 12 answers · asked by .... 6

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."

Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."

So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!" pr0perty0fgl0wp0rt

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"

Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."

2007-12-01 05:02:42 · 13 answers · asked by .... 6

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

2007-12-01 05:00:42 · 12 answers · asked by .... 6

A man was killed on a Sunday. There were four prime suspects: his wife,the maid, the butler, and the chef. The wife said she was at church. The maid said she was getting the mail. The chef said he was cooking breakfast. The butler said he was preparing the table for breakfast. Who killed him?

2007-12-01 04:51:03 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Darling" says a husband coyly to his wife: "let's swap positions tonight". "What a good idea" she replies, "you stand in front of the ironing board, and I'll sit in front of the TV and fart".

2007-12-01 04:45:32 · 17 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"

2007-12-01 04:43:33 · 15 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A man walks into a restaurant and sits at a table sipping coffee. He sees a lady sitting two tables away, sobbing and crying. After sometime, he just has to go to her and talk to her.

She walks to her table and asks her if things are ok.

The lady raises her voice and says 'What? Why do you think I would go for a drink with a complete stranger like you?'

The man is embarrased, since the other people in the restaurant hear her and turn around and look at them.

He apologizes and walks back to his table and continues with his coffee.

A few minutes later, the lady walks to his table, and apologizes to him, and says that she's doing a sociological experiment as part of her psychology course, and he responded to her test, without knowing about it.

The man now raises his voice, and says 'What? 30 dollars for an hour? That's just too much !!!', and then walks away.

2007-12-01 04:37:52 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy--although
My boss let me go--
Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web.

Friends come by; they shake me,
Saying, "Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"
With a listless shrug, I mutter, "No, man;
I just discovered letterman-dot-com!"

I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I'm happily addicted to the Web!

2007-12-01 04:30:15 · 12 answers · asked by .... 6

Silent Mac, broken Mac!
System bombed, screen went black.
Books suggested things; I tried 'em all:
Shift key, desktop file, clean reinstall.
Now my deadline is tight,
This Mac's been silent all night.

Violent night, horrible night!
Lost my cool, filled with spite,
Threw my Mac through the balcony door
Watched it fall from the 20th floor,
Now I'm sleeping in peace;
Thank God I had it on lease.

2007-12-01 04:26:17 · 17 answers · asked by .... 6

A cruise ship sinks with only 3 survivors David, Darren and Daisy. They swim to a small island and live there for a few years doing what comes naturally.

Daisy feels so bad about having sex with both of them so decides to commis suicide. Darren and David are devastated but eventually come to terms with it and again nature takes its course.

After a few more years the two of them feel really bad about what they are doing................




and bury her!

2007-12-01 04:20:24 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moanin and groanin.
I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest.
This rooms a disaster, just look at this mess!

Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.

There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing;
Frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.
Two pies in the oven, desserts almost done;
My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.

I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore;
Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.
He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
Then grins as he chuckles, "The eggnog is ready!"

2007-12-01 04:14:37 · 11 answers · asked by .... 6

2007-12-01 03:40:02 · 10 answers · asked by Gerard Way 1

THE KNOB

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. 'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

2007-12-01 03:18:17 · 16 answers · asked by Denz 5

"It says here that Red Indians have the longest p.enises in the world, and Polish men have the thickest. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"

Man Replies "Tonto Kowalski".

2007-12-01 03:14:22 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous