Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

A young Bride-to-Be was preparing for her Wedding, and though Naive, she knew what her new Husband would just Love on their Wedding Night. So She asked her Mother to buy her a Long, Black, Sexy Negligee, and to fold it carefully so it wouldn't wrinkle, and place it in Her suitcase.
The Mother forgot until the last minute. She dashed out to find one, but could only find a Short, Pink Nighty; so She bought it, rushed back, and threw in in the suitcase.
That night the Groom carried His Bride into Their Suite, and being Self-Conscious, He asked Her to change in the Bathroom; and not to Peek until He got ready and into bed.
The Bride opened her Suitcase, and saw what her Mother had done!
"Oh, No!", She Cried. " It's Short, Pink, and Wrinkled!"
Her New Husband Screamed, "I Told You not To Look!"

2007-12-02 06:29:44 · 9 answers · asked by Ab 2

A wife sent her husband and their daughter to the health food store with a carefully prepared shopping list. They returned with brussel sprouts, organically grown tomatoes, wild rice, tofu, veggie burgers, celery stalks, .... and a box of chocolate cookies.

The man noticed his wife's hostile glare when she pulled out the cookies. So he said, "Hey, this box of cookies has one-third less sugar AND fat than usual!"

"Really? And just why is that?" she asked icily.

"We ate a third of the cookies on the way home," he grinned.

2007-12-02 06:00:55 · 16 answers · asked by .... 6

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and so he decides to go to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night," complains the man.

"Have you tried counting sheep?" inquired the doctor.

The accountant replied, "That's the problem, Doc. I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it!"

2007-12-02 05:38:52 · 17 answers · asked by .... 6

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child. Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

2007-12-02 05:34:52 · 30 answers · asked by .... 6

A plane was taking off from the Winnipeg airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement
over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from Winnipeg to Montreal . The
weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight.
Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back
on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I
scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant
accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee on my lap. You should see the
front of my pants!"
A passenger yelled: "That's nothing. You should see the
back of mine!"

2007-12-02 05:33:46 · 24 answers · asked by Greybeard 7

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

2007-12-02 05:29:22 · 24 answers · asked by .... 6

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the
hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved
on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl
digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what
they were doing.

So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two
are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole,
only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably
looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.
But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

2007-12-02 05:26:44 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into a bar, late one night completely knackered and dripping with sweat and orders 5 whiskies.
"What's wrong with you?" The barman says.
"In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there 'til Christmas," he replies.
"We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car park.
He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his torch in. The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman.
"It's all right officer, I'm just kissing the wife," he says.
"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife" replies the cop.
The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your torch!"

2007-12-02 05:24:43 · 30 answers · asked by .... 6

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing He hands it back to her and says.

"No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

Anyone like it? lol

2007-12-02 05:23:56 · 15 answers · asked by Kez 2

I’m a controversial figure: my friends either dislike me or hate me.
Learning is not compulsory… neither is survival.
Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
A good listener is a good talker with a sore throat.
A technical objection is the first refuge of a scoundrel.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

It is better to wear out than to rust out.
Nature never deceives us; it is we who deceive ourselves.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them.
If you bow at all, bow low.
DIPLOMACY, n. The patriotic art of lying for one’s country.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye.
With time and patience the mulberry leaf becomes a silk gown.
Like its politicians and its wars, society has the teenagers it deserves.
Laughter is inner jogging.
Someday is not a day of the week.
Make service your first priority, not success and success will follow.
I must govern the clock, not be governed by it.
Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
When your work speaks for itself, don’t interrupt.
Character is much easier kept than recovered.
If you don’t believe in something, you’ll fall for anything.

2007-12-02 05:15:21 · 19 answers · asked by .... 6

Q: Why do they bury mothers-in-law 18 feet down, when everyone else is buried 6 feet down?

A: Because, deep down, they really are very nice people

I bought my Mother in law a chair for Christmas, but she wouldn't plug it in.!!

I always know when it's the mother-in-law knocking at the door – the mice throw themselves in the traps.

The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened the door, there was my mother-in-law on the front step.
She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?"
I said, "Sure you can." And shut the door in her face!

Then there is the joke about the guy who was told by his doctor that he has only 6 months to live. He decides to move in with his mother-in-law, because living with her for 6 months will seem like forever

Last week my wife and I went car shopping, and the salesman asked if I wanted a car with an Air-bag. I said, "No thanks. I already have a Mother in law."

2007-12-02 05:10:20 · 19 answers · asked by .... 6

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500."

"Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the customer. The owner says "Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research."

The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.

Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."

2007-12-02 05:04:04 · 14 answers · asked by .... 6

A short elderly woman burst into a pet store. "I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a good singer! I've got good, hard US cash, but I'm only paying for a good singer."

The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am, I've been in this business for forty years and the best singer I've ever heard is in that cage."

"Don't think I'm gonna feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a canary, but it's got to be a singer."

By this point, the shop keeper was coming down the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" He placed the cage on the counter and the bird burst into melody after melody.

Awed, the woman murmured, "Why, he is a good singer." Suddenly she screamed, "Hey, this bird's only got one leg!"

The pet store owner was unperturbed. "Lady, what do you want, a singer or a dancer?"

2007-12-02 05:02:52 · 15 answers · asked by .... 6

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the fine bird was finally his! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry", said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

2007-12-02 04:54:51 · 13 answers · asked by .... 6

Before the collapse of communism, this Russian guy loses his pet parrot. He looks everywhere, all around the neighborhood, in the park, everywhere. He can't find the parrot. Finally he goes around to the KGB office, and tells the desk officer his problem. The officer is a little puzzled. "Look, comrade, I'm sorry you lost your bird, but this is the KGB. We don't handle missing animal reports." "Oh, I know that", says the guy. "I just wanted you to know, if you do find my parrot... I don't know where he could have picked up all his political ideas."

2007-12-02 04:53:11 · 9 answers · asked by .... 6

The Happy Murcia walks into a bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir," says the bartender. "That'll be one cent." "One penny?!" exclaims the happy murcia. "Thats right."

So the happy murcia glances at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas and a salad?""Certainly, sir," replies the bartender. "Thatll be four cents." "Four cents?" says the happy murcia.

"Jeez, Id like to meet the guy who owns this place!" "Hes upstairs with my wife," says the bartender. "What's he doing with your wife?" asks the happy murcia. "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

2007-12-02 04:51:12 · 13 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

The earthquakes: That queer shake


Debit card: Bad credit


Slot machines: Cash lost in ‘em


School master: The classroom


Dormitory: Dirty room


Desperation: A rope ends it


The Morse code: Here come dots


A decimal point: I’m a dot in place


Fir cones: Conifers


The eyes: They see


Conversation: Voices rant on


Election results: Lies – let’s recount


Schoolmaster: The classroom


Listen: Silent


The Country Side: No City Dust Here


Evangelist: Evil’s Agent


Astronomers: No more stars


The eyes: They see


The Cockroach: Cook, Catch Her


Desperation: A Rope Ends It


The Morse Code: Here Come Dots


Slot Machines: Cash Lost in’em


Conversation: Voices Rant On


Funeral: Real Fun


The Hilton: Hint: Hotel


Vacation Times: I’m Not as Active


The Detectives: Detect Thieves


Semolina: Is No Meal


Christmas tree: Search, Set, Trim


Presbyterian: Best In Prayer


Statue of Liberty: Built to Stay Free


Admirer: Married


The best things in life are free:
Nail-biting refreshes the feet!


Many a true word is spoken in jest:
Men joke, and so win trusty praise.

2007-12-02 04:44:39 · 11 answers · asked by .... 6

Skybluecarp and his wife Mumson went to the state fair every year. Every year Skybluecarp would say, "Mumson, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Mumson would say, "I know Skybluecarp, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Skybluecarp and Mumson went to the fair and Skybluecarp said, "Mumson, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Mumson replied, "Skybluecarp, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Skybluecarp and Mumson agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Skybluecarp, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Skybluecarp replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Mumson fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

2007-12-02 04:33:08 · 12 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

What beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake
Tarzipan !
Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas ?
No you can have turkey like everyone else !
What did the big cracker say to the little cracker ?
My pop is bigger than yours !
Who is never hungry at Christmas ?
The turkey - he's always stuffed !
What bird has wings but cannot fly ?
Roast turkey !
Whats the best thing to put into a Christmas cake ?
Your teeth !
We had grandma for Christmas dinner ?
Really, we had turkey !
Whats happens if you eat the Christmas decorations ?
You get tinsel-itus !
What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas ?
Grave-y !

2007-12-02 04:32:39 · 21 answers · asked by .... 6

A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. While her dad is getting his hair cut, the girl begins eating a snack cake. While she's eating, she walks over and stands right next to the barber's chair.

The barber looks down and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

"I know," the little girl replies. "I'm gonna get boobies, too."

2007-12-02 04:22:58 · 21 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,
"So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice
things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds,
pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face!
Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
"This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it,
saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts!
How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

2007-12-02 04:01:43 · 20 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Can you give the name of 2 fruits with the same letters, turned around.? no letters taken away, no letters added.

2007-12-02 03:35:38 · 6 answers · asked by Jeanette 7

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

How much faith does it take to be an atheist?

I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.

If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is fog horn made out of?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

If atheists say there is no God, who do they think pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?

2007-12-02 03:29:01 · 19 answers · asked by tastybits 7

One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip....but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then, Mrs. Claus told him that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
Then when he went to harness the Reindeer, he found three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas Tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you, Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas Tree

2007-12-02 03:12:22 · 25 answers · asked by tastybits 7

I can't even get into my own pants!

2007-12-02 03:04:59 · 11 answers · asked by Plato 5

8. You've got red and green bags under your eyes

7. You're serving reindeer pot pie

6. When you hear, "Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin'?," you scream, "No! I'm not listening!"

5. You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers with your air gun

4. You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you.

3. Instead of spending time with family, you're watching some guy make photo copies

2. You've got eggnog coming out of your ears

1. Two words: tinsel rash

2007-12-02 03:00:52 · 17 answers · asked by tastybits 7

Whats wrong here

AAA
BBB
CCC
DDD
EEE
FFF
GGG
HHH
III
JJJ
KKK
LLL
MMM
NNN
OOO
PPP
QQQ
RRR
SSS
TTT
UUU
VVV
WWW
XXX
YYY
ZZZ

Did you know that 80% of UCSD students could not find the error above? Repos

2007-12-02 02:43:56 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"

The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike,' for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers,' because 'It really Satisfies."

The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. The customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."

The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"

A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?"

The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job 1.' " Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"

Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret.' Now give me my beer."

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?"

The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

2007-12-02 02:29:03 · 12 answers · asked by Mike D 3

If I went to the North Pole and I make bunny hops all around the exact point where the pole lies, does that mean I just made the fastest trip across the globe? ;) (heh, bored, i guess)

2007-12-02 02:03:51 · 4 answers · asked by happietowner 1

A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady,
was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put
on his gloves.


"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.


"No, I don't" she replied.


"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex.
Workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them
dry,
then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."


She didn't crack a smile. "Oh well, I tried," he thought.


But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure,
she burst out laughing.


"What's so funny?" he asked.


"I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.

sheep
about
talking
idiot
this
got
I
long
how
look
say this out loud once, reading from top to bottom, now read it like, sheep sheep, sheep about, sheep talking....... now read it from the bottom to the top

mn askes catipilar, wnt to *** shop 1 hr l8r. redy wiv ma shoes!!!!

2007-12-02 01:59:51 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous