Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

shes only ever lost one in europe.

2007-12-02 01:35:20 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

This DOG is a good DOG way DOG to keep a DOG fool busy........... Read this again without DOG

2007-12-02 01:29:20 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q...Why dont 70yr old women have smear tests?
A...Have u ever tried pulling a cheese toastie apart??

~~~
Q...What do u call a bloke with 3 eyes?
A...Seymour...

~~~
Q...What do clouds and blokes have in common?
A...Eventually they both f%^k off and its a nice day...!!

~~~
Harley davidson died and went to heaven and was boasting to god how he'd created the best motorbike in the world! God disagreed saying BMW's were a better designed bike. Harley says 'what do u know about design? U created women and look at the trouble we have with them!!' 'Ahem...' Says God... 'I think you'll find alot more men are riding my creation than yours!!!'

~~~~
Four blokes meet on a plane, an american, a brit, a russian and an indian... American says 'im a CIA agent', Brit says 'im an MI6 agent', Russian says 'im aKGB agent' and the indian says.... 'im a NEWSagent!'

~~~

2007-12-02 01:28:35 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am" He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

2007-12-02 01:18:02 · 10 answers · asked by Trea (pron.tree) 4

A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet.

The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate him for his services. "My fee for that work," acidly snapped the attorney, "is five hundred dollars."

The client opened the wallet, removed a one-thousand dollar bill, replaced it with a five-hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile.

2007-12-02 01:17:17 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"

2007-12-02 01:13:59 · 27 answers · asked by Trea (pron.tree) 4

Calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise.

Beating around the bush - 75
Jumping to conclusions - 100
Climbing the walls - 150
Swallowing your pride - 50
Passing the buck - 25
Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight) - 50-300
Dragging your heels - 100
Pushing your luck - 250
Making mountains out of molehills - 500
Hitting the nail on the head - 50
Wading through paperwork - 300
Bending over backwards - 75
Jumping on the bandwagon - 200
Balancing the books - 25
Running around in circles - 350
Eating crow - 225
Tooting your own horn - 25
Climbing the ladder of success - 750
Pulling out the stops - 75
Adding fuel to the fire --160
Wrapping it up at the day's end - 12

To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:

Opening a can of worms - 50
Putting your foot in your mouth - 300
Starting the ball rolling - 90
Going over the edge - 25
Picking up the pieces after - 350

2007-12-02 01:09:35 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady,
was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put
on his gloves.


"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.


"No, I don't" she replied.


"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex.
Workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them
dry,
then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."


She didn't crack a smile. "Oh well, I tried," he thought.


But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure,
she burst out laughing.


"What's so funny?" he asked.


"I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.

2007-12-02 00:26:18 · 14 answers · asked by Andy 1

I rear ended a car this morning...the driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"
So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
That's how the fight started.
and...
A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach in Tampa. As
the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the Women have boobs
bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."


The boy, pleased with the answer, goes back to play in the ocean.


Then he runs to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than
his dad does.


She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."


Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.


Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his Mother:
"Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the Longer he talks
the " dumber" he

2007-12-02 00:21:10 · 3 answers · asked by Andy 1

it has been a long time since i joked!!!!
this is a series!!!
This guy is really horny, but all he has is two dollars. He goes to the nearest whore house and says to the man working there,

"Look, I'm really horny, but all I have is two dollars. What can I get?"

"Well, the cheapest we have is one hundred dollars. But I'll cut you a deal on two conditions. For two dollars, I'll let you go down two doors on the right, but you have to wear a black condom, and leave the lights out!"

The horny man agrees and goes two doors down on the right with the black condom on and the lights out. A while later he comes back out and says to the man working there, "Man, that was the best sex I've ever had, but why did I have to wear the black condom?"

"Well, you gotta show some respect for the dead!"

2007-12-02 00:19:34 · 14 answers · asked by Andy 1

Chap says to his wife that her bum is as big as a 3 burner barbeque! Later in the sack, he says do you fancy a xxxx, to which she replies that there's no point in lighting the bbq, for half a sausage!

2007-12-01 23:58:56 · 11 answers · asked by Manhattan Skyline 4

cos hewas kneading a poo

2007-12-01 23:41:04 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-01 23:38:16 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

First one with the correct answer gets the ten points .... What well known phrase or saying does this signify ...... :


ORAL CAV ( FEATHERS ) ITY

Answer is four words, four letters, two letters, three letters, five letters ....

2007-12-01 23:16:24 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q. Do you know the true reason for all of these blonde jokes?
A. Brunettes and redheads think they look smart making them all up!

Q. What do you call a brunette between two blondes???
A. LUCKY! (She finally gets some attention!)

Q. What's black and blue and lying in a ditch?
A. A Redhead who has told one too many dumb blonde jokes.

Q. What does a redhead miss the most at a party?
A. The Invitation !

Q. Why are there so many blonde jokes?
A. Because the blondes are out with all the men, the brunettes and redheads have nothing better to do on Friday and Saturday nights.

2007-12-01 23:00:01 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-01 22:51:51 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport then could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"

So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain His financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big time.

Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a bl@w job on the way?"

"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"

The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks."

The businessman said "ok" and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver in line.

2007-12-01 22:48:33 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny has a question, so he goes around the house to find his
father. He opens his dad's bedroom door and finds his mom and dad
humping away on the bed! "Dad!" says Johnny, "What are you doing!"
Johhny's father stops humping for a second and says "Well, Johnny, I'm
playing poker...and your mother's the wild card". "Oh,"says Johnny and he leaves the room.

Still in need of an answer to his question, Little Johnny set out to
look for his big brother, Ernie. He opens his brother's bedroom door and finds Ernie and his girlfriend Thelma humping away! "Ernie!" cried Johnny, "What are you doing!". Ernie stops humping for a second and says, "Well...I'm playing poker, Johnny... and Thelma is the wildcard. "Oh", says Johnny and he leaves the room.

Later, Johnny's dad approached Johnny's room to call him to dinner. He
opens Johnny's bedroom door and finds Johnny wacking off like it was
going out of style! "Johnny!" his father said, "I see you're playing
poker, but where's your wildcard?"

Johnny replies, "With a hand like this, who needs a wildcard!"

2007-12-01 22:45:55 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

it's called trimenagin!

2007-12-01 22:30:13 · 1 answers · asked by lost_sole_28 4

this housewife ask's her husband for ten thousand dollars for breast implants.her husband replied "are you out of your mind?" no way am i paying ten thousand dollars for breast implants.he said try rubbing toilet paper on them. the wife now angry ask's what good would rubbing toilet paper on them do?. the husband said "what good?" just look at your butt!!!

2007-12-01 22:19:30 · 12 answers · asked by lost_sole_28 4

A young lawyer was presenting his first case in court. It was a simple damage suit of a farmer against a railroad company whose train had killed twenty-four of his hogs, but the youngster was trying to dramatize it before the jury. "Just think of it, gentlemen, twenty-four hogs!" he declaimed impressively. "Twenty-four hogs!" That's twice the number there are in the jury!".

2007-12-01 22:10:29 · 6 answers · asked by Lei Al 2

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they
go on to a show.

The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her
door he says "I have had a lovely time. You looked so
beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I
call on you tomorrow?"

She agrees and a date is made.

The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it
she slaps him hard across the face.

He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked.

She said "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last
night and it said 'Not well suited to bedding but is excellent
for rooting up against a garden wall.'"

2007-12-01 22:05:52 · 22 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

His and Her ATM usage explained:

HIS
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt

HER
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car b/c you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

2007-12-01 22:05:34 · 9 answers · asked by jake5282 2

Neither have I.

2007-12-01 21:42:20 · 4 answers · asked by Ozzyzzyzz 3

Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

“Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.”

Little Bobby was a bit of a trouble maker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby’s mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Bobby, of course, thought he did. Bobby’s mother, being a Christian woman, wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the year.

“Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday. “Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1

Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your Friend,
Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn’t true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2

Dear God,

I have been an “OK” Boy this year. I still would really like a bike
for my birthday.

Bobby

Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a third letter.

LETTER 3

Dear God,

I know I haven’t been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday please.

Thank you,
Bobby

Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. Now, Bobby was very upset. He went down stairs and told his Mom that he wanted to go to church. Bobby’s mother thought her plan
had worked, as Bobby looked very sad. “Just be home in time for dinner, “ Bobby’s mother told him.

Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the alter. He looked around to see if any one was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of
the Virgin Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the Church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen and
began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 4

God,

I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Bobby

2007-12-01 21:36:43 · 30 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A Blonde In A Snow Storm
A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm.
She remembered that her dad had once told her, "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it."
Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it.
She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.
Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing.
She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with Wal-Mart; now you can follow me over to K-Mart."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Believing in Santa
"Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus. Unfortunately, so did my parents, so I never got anything!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Practical Santa
A little girl wrote to Santa Claus, saying the only thing she wanted for Christmas was a sister.
Santa, touched by the girl's letter, responded instantly, saying "I would love to send you a sister, but first you must send me your mother."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Snail Mail Santa
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You Know You've Had Too Much Christmas Cheer If...
... you notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
... someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
... you start kissing the portraits on the wall.
... you see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
... you have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
... you strike a match and light your nose.
... you take off your shoes and to go wading in the macaroni salad.
... you hear a duck quacking, and it's you.
... you complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
... you refill your glass from the fish bowl.
... you tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
... you ask for another ice cube for later and put it in your pocket.
... you yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
... you pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
... you take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
... you waste your best joke on the rubber plant.
... you realize you're the only one under the coffee table.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Santa
Santa comes once a year - but when he does he fills your stocking!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Impotent Man Is Like A Christmas Tree
Q: Why is an impotent man like a Christmas Tree?
A: They both both have balls for decoration.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Holiday Tampax
Q: Have you heard about the new line of Tampax with bells and tinsel?
A: It's for the Christmas period.

2007-12-01 21:30:31 · 21 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Santa was delivering gifts as usual, when at one house a beautiful young woman was awaiting his arrival.
She begged him to stay and cuddle with her on the couch.Santa declined, saying "Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents, you know."
Trying again, the lovely young thing removed her clothing down to her underwear.
"OH Santa, won't you please stay?" she begged.
Taking a long look, Santa sighed and delivered a not too believable, "Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents, you know."
Not to be denied, this gorgeous female stripped off every stitch of remaining clothing, smiled and said in the sexiest voice imaginable, "Oh, Santa, please reconsider? Stay with me?"
With a very pained look on his face, Santa groaned and said very slowly, "Ho -ho,gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know."
And with that, he turned and left. Two minutes passed, and Santa reappeared, plopping himself down on the couch next to the beautiful girl.
"Santa! You decided to stay!" she exclaimed gleefully.
Santa grinned and said, "Hey - hey, gotta stay. Can't get up the chimney THIS way!"

2007-12-01 21:08:49 · 17 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Being a single mother, I wanted to do everything perfectly when it came to raising my son. One day, he came to me with the age-old question...."Mom, where did I come from?" Since I considered myself a fairly hip, enlightened woman, I immediately stopped what I was doing and sat down with my six-year-old child to begin the oh-so important explanation about the birds and the bees. I navigated, fairly cleverly I thought, through the basics, explaining what I believed a six-year old would understand. He listened intently, his eyes never leaving my face, never once interrupting me and seemingly very interested in what I had to say.

I was feeling quite proud of myself, feeling as though I had met and managed a milestone in the "motherhood" department. My pleasure with my success was short-lived, however, when my son looked directly at me, his head cocked slightly to one side and said, "No, mom not sex. I mean like Lisa came from Pensacola, where did I come from?"

You just never really know what is going on in their little minds, do you?

2007-12-01 21:04:22 · 18 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?

2007-12-01 21:00:38 · 18 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

2007-12-01 20:58:21 · 21 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7