Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

"Those are the apples off the tree of life" he tells her.
Impressed she runs off and tells her Mother, who replies "Did he say anything about the dead f**king branch their hanging on?"

2007-06-30 21:56:15 · 13 answers · asked by Stooky 4

What do elephants have that no other animal has

2007-06-30 21:50:36 · 21 answers · asked by GIZMO 2

And if you know, did you see it?

2007-06-30 21:42:57 · 5 answers · asked by auntypizza2007 1

How many letters are in the alphabet?


I will choose the right answer tonight 9pm UK

2007-06-30 21:10:10 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde was standing in front of a pop machine. Her boyfriend looks over and hears her screaming at the machine…

“You’re a dumb-looking button!” “You don’t have much of a future, either!” “You’re going to be replaced by a much better looking button!” “I’ve got better looking buttons than you in my dresser drawer!”

Thinking she flipped her lid, her boyfriend walks over to see what the fuss is about.

“What in the heck are you doing?” her boyfriend asks.

The blonde quickly points to the sign on the front of the machine that reads… “DEPRESS BUTTON FOR ICE”

2007-06-30 17:07:16 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

The travelling salesman has his car break down, and as usual, he ends up at the customary farm.

the farmer tells the travelling salesman, "I don't have room in my house for you to sleep, but you can bed down in the barn with my son."

the travelling salesman says, "Sorry, I think I'm in the wrong joke..."

2007-06-30 16:50:45 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there.

''Why?'' he asks.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?''

''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.'

2007-06-30 16:38:36 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

We were playing a game and the question was: how many cows does it take to make a flinck? (btw: the answer was 12 haha)
Does anyone know this??? hahaha

2007-06-30 16:33:45 · 2 answers · asked by naddawannabee 1

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work.

His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.

Shortly, he received this reply,
"For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the Money!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any money.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do from here.

2007-06-30 16:18:07 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mexican guy in America for the first time went to see a football match. The stadium was full but the ticket collector pitied him and found him a place near the flag. After the match,he went home and wrote a letter back to his family in Mexico saying,'They are kind,these Americans. When I go to a full stadium they give me place to sit. After that, they all stand and sing: Jose can you see...'

2007-06-30 16:10:06 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

I turn polar bears white
And I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
And girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
And normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
And make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

2007-06-30 15:48:56 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.

She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much the bird cost. The owner said it was $50. Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She told the owner that she still wanted the bird. The pet shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

2007-06-30 15:23:23 · 13 answers · asked by KÖoÌSÍÄy€r5 - "S" 4 SÍ 4

2007-06-30 14:58:27 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Not a hard laughing joke, probably old.

Once a woman was in labor; she was having a really tough time dealing with the pain. The doctor came to her husband and her and told them of a new experimental drug that allows the woman to transfer 25% of the pain to the father. The husband feels really bad for his wife so he decides they will try it.

The wife takes the pill and a few minutes later the husband says, "I don't feel a thing. You women are babies. Take another pill I can handle this." So the wife takes another pill. Same thing happens. Her husband tells her to take another pill. Same thing. By now she has transferred 75% of her pain to her husband. She is feeling a little pain but her husband is still feeling nothing. He is convinced that women are complete wuses. He tells her, "Take another pill. This isn't hurting me at all. Let me take all the pain away." So she does. Now they are both feeling great.

2007-06-30 14:53:33 · 10 answers · asked by KÖoÌSÍÄy€r5 - "S" 4 SÍ 4

There are 70 ways to keep a woman happy

One is to take her shopping.

The rest is 69.

2007-06-30 14:51:33 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm thinking of things like "Bank of Dad"

His name (nickname from childhood) is Buddy, something like
"Bud-wiser - King of Dads" might be fun.

Or a funny line with his kids pictures.
like "The cause of my gray hair"


Any ideas would be helpful.

I'm helping my nieces make T Shirts for thier Dad's birthday in late July.

2007-06-30 14:51:09 · 7 answers · asked by Smart Kat 7

2007-06-30 14:38:16 · 11 answers · asked by "!" 5

She walked in a haunted house and walked out with a paycheck!

My best friend was baggin' on me one day and said this and I cracked up so long my stomach hurt!

star if funny please!

2007-06-30 14:31:52 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Like maybe self-depricating humour or perhaps a subtle pun?

2007-06-30 14:27:45 · 3 answers · asked by megalomaniac 7

a man just bought a new car to celebrate and was testing it out by going a hundred miles an hour down a town road, the road was empty but a police car was turning a corner and saw him, the police followed and put his lights on, the man saw this and sped up, ebentually the man gave up and pulled over. the police officer got out and said "im nearly off duty, you give me a good enough reason for your actions and I will forgot about it." the man replies "well I just found out my wife has ran off with a police man. I thought you were giving her back"

2007-06-30 12:36:35 · 20 answers · asked by -O.o- 1

In the ocean there were three men in a boat.The three men fell out of the boat.Two wet their hair but one didn't.WHY??????

2007-06-30 11:59:04 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

the funniest finnish to this timeless joke opening wins.
make me laugh... hard.

2007-06-30 11:46:08 · 18 answers · asked by biodegradable insane asylum 5

there were three women who broke out of jail.one was a redhead,brunnette,and a blonde.they stole a car and the police chased them.the cops were far behind when the gas runs out of the car.the car stops in front of a old barn.the women jump out and run inside. the cops catch up and get out of their cars and say"get out and put your hands up"nothing happen.the cops go into the barn.the women are hidding in sacks.the cop kicks the first sack that has the redhead in it. she says"Meow!!"the cop says"oh its just a cat.he goes to the next sack that has the brunnette in it .the cop kicks the bag and the brunnette goes "woof,woof".the cop goes oh its just a dog"the cop goes to the next sack that has the blonde in it.he kicks the sack and the blonde goes"Potatoes!!!"

2007-06-30 11:09:14 · 13 answers · asked by CreativeNameHere:) 2

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.
The officer wants to ask her a few questions....

Officer: What's 2+2?
Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummmm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she
got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm
already working on a murder case!"

2007-06-30 10:21:49 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-30 09:47:36 · 13 answers · asked by Red 5

One day this little girl's dad came home and she runs up to him.

"Daddy, the cat died today!"

"Well, darling," said the dad. "That's just something that happens."

"But why are his arms and legs up in the air?"

"Well, darling, that's just something they do." She takes the death fairly well and doesn't mention it until a few days later. When the dad comes home, she runs up to him.

"Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today!"

"What are you talking about?"

"I came downstairs and I heard her screaming 'Oh Jesus, take me, take me!' And she had her arms and legs up in the air and if it hadn't been for the mailman trying to revive her she would have died."

2007-06-30 09:44:23 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

why does michael jackson go to baseball games????............................................................................................................................................................................................HE LIKES CATCHING BALLS>..............get it.>>>>

2007-06-30 09:07:47 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

the lawyer says to mickey mouse "you can't divorce minnie mouse on the grounds that she has bucked teeth"
mickey replies "you missunderstand.....she is f**king Goofy"

2007-06-30 08:18:38 · 36 answers · asked by Karen R 3

okay, heres the joke:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

marrige is like you and your friends going out to lunch,
you place your orders of your liking.
when the food finally comes you dig in, but when you see what your friend ordered, you seem to like that better than what you ordered...... O_o

2007-06-30 08:14:09 · 11 answers · asked by desigirl64 3

Most of you would say 8, but that is wrong. It is FISH. You take the 8 turn it sideways and push its back in and it is a fish.

2007-06-30 07:35:56 · 18 answers · asked by ♠ Conƒused Band Fяeak ♠ ® ツ 5