Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

u may have heard it before but i just did..i liked it wut do u think?
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

oh and no offense to blondes...

2007-06-01 10:45:16 · 6 answers · asked by BOOM, roasted. 7

the sadist has newer magazines.

2007-06-01 10:19:40 · 8 answers · asked by out for justice. 5

My wife came home the other night and said,

"honey take my blouse off."

I said, "ok."

She said, "honey take off my skirt."

I said, "ok."

She said, "honey take my bra off."

I said, "ok."

Then told me never to wear them again.

2007-06-01 10:19:31 · 18 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to?

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.
He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me £5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me £5, and if I don't know the answer that you'll ask me, I will pay you £500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five pound note and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn.
She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her £500. The blonde politely takes the £500 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer £5, and goes back to sleep.

2007-06-01 10:13:51 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

k.

There are 3 people appling for a job at the CIA. 2 men, 1 women. They passed all the tests except 1. They had to go in a room and shoot their spouse with a supplied gun. The 1st man went in, and in 10 min. came back out with tears in his eyes.
"I can't do it!" he sed.
"Get your wife and get out." the testers sed.
the 2nd man went in and also came back with tears in his eyes.
"i just cant pull the trigger!"
the testers told him to go home. now it was time for the women. Before the door even closed, they heard gunshots. Once the door was closed, the testers heard slamming, scraping and screaming. After 15 min., the women came back out panting and sweating.
"No one told me the gun was filled with blanks!" she sed. "i had to kill the b*s*a*d with a chair!"

2007-06-01 10:09:00 · 13 answers · asked by The dude 2

>Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A
>mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free
>speaker-function and began to talk.
>Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
>MAN: "Hello"
>WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"
>MAN: "Yes"
>WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this
>beautiful leather coat.
>It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
>MAN: "Sure...go ahead if you like it that much."
>WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new
> 2007 models. I saw one I really liked.
>MAN: "How much?"
>WOMAN: "£70,000"
>MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
>WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house I wanted
>last yearis back on the market, they're asking £950,000"
>MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of
>900,000. They
>will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50
>thousand, After all it really is a pretty good price."
>WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
>MAN: "Bye, I love you, too!"
>The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at
>him in astonishment, mouths agape.
>
> .......
>
>
>
>
> He smiles and asks:







>
>
>
> "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"

2007-06-01 10:01:53 · 10 answers · asked by raybbies 5

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, Honey?" the husband inquired, as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue'., "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."

2007-06-01 09:58:09 · 13 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

Had a car accident last night, drove into another car. The other driver got out and I saw he was a dwarf - he said 'I'm not happy', I replied 'Which one are you then?'

2007-06-01 09:51:14 · 21 answers · asked by purplehairsarah 2

LOVE When your eyes meet across a crowded room
LUST When your tongue meet across a crowded room
MARRIAGE When you lose your child in a crowded room

LOVE When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE What the hell are you talking about.

LOVE When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST When you argue over the wet spot.
MARRIAGE When you argue over money.

LOVE When you share everything you own.
LUST When you steal everything you own.
MARRIAGE When the bank owns everything.

LOVE When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE What's a climax.

LOVE When you phone each other to say "Hi."
LUST When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE When you phone to b*tch.

LOVE When you write poems about your partner.
LUST When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE When all you write is cheques.

2007-06-01 09:50:33 · 10 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

2007-06-01 09:47:48 · 32 answers · asked by Scouse 7

Johnny was working at the fishplant when he accidentally cut off all
ten of his fingers. He went to the emergency room. The doctor

looked at Johnny and said "let's have the fingers,and I'll see what I can do."

John said ,"I haven't got the fingers." What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers?
It's 2004. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques,
I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"
Furious John says, "How the f#ck was I supposed to pick them up?!!!"

2007-06-01 09:35:34 · 4 answers · asked by Snake Eyes 6

WHERE CAN I DOWNLOAD PIRATES 3 WERE IT WILL ACTUAYL EFFIN WORK IVE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER THE INTERNET

2007-06-01 09:24:54 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Like when people are like i'm getting ready for a bon fire or bomb fire want one is it?

2007-06-01 09:22:35 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mathematician: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, and by induction - every odd integer higher than 2 is a prime.
Physicist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is a prime,...
Engineer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime, 11 is a prime,...
Programmer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 7 is a prime,...
Salesperson: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- we'll do for you the best we can,...
Computer Software Salesperson: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 will be prime in the next release,...
Biologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- results have not arrived yet,...
Advertiser: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 11 is a prime,...
Lawyer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- there is not enough evidence to prove that it is not a prime,...
Accountant: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, deducing 10% tax and 5% other obligations.
Statistician: Let's try several randomly chosen numbers: 17 is a prime, 23 is a prime, 11 is a prime...
Professor: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, and the rest are left as an exercise for the student.
Computational linguist: 3 is an odd prime, 5 is an odd prime, 7 is an odd prime, 9 is a very odd prime,...
Psychologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime but tries to suppress it,...

2007-06-01 09:14:46 · 13 answers · asked by well thts it...... 3

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to
Jerusalem. While
they were there, the wife passed away. The
undertaker told the husband,
"You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you
can bury her here, in
the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it
and told him he
would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to
ship your wife
home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here
and you would spend
only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was
buried here, and three
days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take
that chance."

2007-06-01 08:50:48 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-01 08:26:31 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."


The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

2007-06-01 07:54:00 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

If a police officer in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is having sex inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three times, and wait two minutes before being allowed to approach the scene.
Women must address bachelors as master instead of mister, according to an Illinois state law.

A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while fishing or hunting on your wedding day.

A law in Fairbanks, Alaska, does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.

In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.

Clinton, Oklahoma, has a law against masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car.

In Willowdale, Oregon, no man may curse while having sex with his wife.

In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.

Hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, are required by law to furnish their rooms with twin beds only. There should be a minimum of two feet between the beds, and it is illegal for a couple to make love on the floor between the beds.

In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.

A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.

No woman may go in public without wearing a corset in Norfolk, Virginia.

In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (including the wedding night)

The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.

In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute on Sunday afternoons.

In Ames, Iowa a husband may not take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife.

A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions, or sardines.

In Bozeman, Montana, you can't perform any sexual acts in the front yard of any home, after sundown, and if you are nude.

A Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table unless her clothing weighs more than three pounds, two ounces.

Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the law, no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts.

Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.

During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico, no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.

In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.

In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes.

In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot of a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.

2007-06-01 07:27:29 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin"?
I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign
it is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They
gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing
Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase
and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the
packet. 'Best Before End'

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.


Just in case, these jokes are just typify Tommy Cooper's comedy so well.

2007-06-01 07:25:21 · 10 answers · asked by NEIL P 2

FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11. Remember half the people you know are below average.
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
13. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

2007-06-01 07:15:21 · 14 answers · asked by YouWishYouWereMe 5

Your mother-in-law drives of a cliff in your brand new car.

2007-06-01 06:54:38 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

well is it?

2007-06-01 06:44:26 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

She forgot to take the tissues out of the box. hahaha. I thought it was fuunny!! Please star if you got at least a little Giggle=)

2007-06-01 06:38:46 · 17 answers · asked by ♥Lil'Angel♥ 2

1) They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

2) A better model is always just around the corner.

3) They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.

4) It is always necessary to have a backup.

5) They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

6) The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

7) In order to get their attention you need to turn them on.

8) The lights are on but nobody's home.

9) Big power surges knock them out for the night.

10) Size does matter.

2007-06-01 06:24:24 · 24 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

Joe enters the confessional and tells the Priest that he has committed adultery.

The Priest says,"Oh no, was it with Marie Brown?"

Joe says,"I'd rather not say who it was with."

The Priest says,"Was it with Betty Smith?"

Joe says, "I would rather not say."

So the Priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves.

While leaving the church, Joe's friend asks if he received absolution.

Joe says, "Yes, and got two very good leads!"

2007-06-01 06:19:31 · 14 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

2007-06-01 06:16:58 · 6 answers · asked by joelinn1974 3

One sunny day a Russian, an American and a blonde are walking down the street. They were talking and getting to know eachother and they started talking about history. The Russian's chest swells up and he says proudly "We were the first to land on Mars!"
The American says "We were the first to land on the moon!" The blonde's chest puffs up the most and she says "Yeah, I bet you can't beat this, we're going to be the first to land on the sun!" The Russian and the American look at eachother and chuckle then the Russian says to the blonde "Your joking right? You think that you can do that? You'll burn if you get anywhere near it!" The blonde starts laughing and says "HELLO!!! WE'RE GOING AT NIGHT!!!!"

2007-06-01 06:02:49 · 10 answers · asked by jaymiae 2

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

2007-06-01 05:26:55 · 12 answers · asked by yummie 2

1) I think of you as my brother
You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "deliverance."

2) There's a slight difference in our ages.
You are one jurassic geezer.

3) I'm not attracted to you in "that way".
You are the ugliest wanker i've ever seen.

4) My life is too complicated right now.
I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other lads i'm seeing
.
5) I've got a boyfriend.
Who's really my male cat and half a gallon of ben & jerry's icecream.

6) I don't see men from where I work.
Hey, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same "solar system," much less the same building.

7) It's not you, it's me.
It's not me, It's you.

8) I'm concentrating on my career.
Even something as boring as my job is better than dating you.

9) I'm celibate.
I've sworn off men like you.

10) Let's be friends.
I want you to stay around so I can tell you in detail about all the other men I have sex with

2007-06-01 05:24:29 · 21 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

Two blondes go for a walk.

While walking they come across some tracks

First blonde says

"they're rabbit tracks"

Second blonde says

"no they're not they are fox tracks"

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

lol

2007-06-01 05:14:31 · 15 answers · asked by emma13583 2