Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

Boudreaux & Thibodeaux were fishing one day when Boudreaux pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Thibodeaux for a light.


"Shure, I got a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.


"Jiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Boudreaux, taking the huge Bic lighter in his
hands. "Where did yew git dat monster??" "Well," replied Thibodeaux, "I got
it from my Genie."

"You gots a genie in dat tackle box?" Boudreaux asked.


"Yep, I shure got one. It's right here in my tackle box," says Thibodeaux.

"Could I see him?"

So Thibodeaux opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the genie.

Addressing the genie, Boudreaux says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your
Master, will yew grant me one wish?"

"Yes, I will," says the genie.

So Boudreaux asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears back
into the tackle box leaving Boudreaux sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is soon filled with the sound of a million ducks ... flying overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Boudreaux yells at Thiboduaux. "Jumpin'

Jimminy Crickets! I axed for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

Thibodeaux answers, "Yup, I forgot to tell yew dat genie is hard of hearing.

Do yew really tink I axed for a* 10-inch Bic?"*

2007-06-01 17:41:24 · 5 answers · asked by Ashley 2

of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So conan went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. conan slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

"Boss", he said, " The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you yesterday?"

2007-06-01 17:05:38 · 5 answers · asked by nan 2

A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As the head came out it was dark and had an afro. The doctor said, "Madam, have you ever slept with a black man?"

"Well, yes, but only once."
"Once is all it takes" he replied.


Then the torso came out and it was yellow.
"Madam, have you ever slept with an oriental man?"
"Well, yes" she said, "but only once."

"Once is all it takes," he said.
When the legs came out they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian.
"Well, yes" she said, "but only once."
"Once is all it takes," he said.

He finally pulled the baby all the way out and held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry. As it started to cry the woman exclaimed "Oh, thank God, at least it doesn't bark!"

2007-06-01 15:59:05 · 17 answers · asked by Don't make me beg!!! 3

2007-06-01 15:58:05 · 29 answers · asked by joelinn1974 3

On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go to get changed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe.

The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My word, you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.

Puzzled, she asks, "My picture?"

He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever."

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.

He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now."

At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "Oh, oh, oh my, let me get a picture."

He beams and asks, "Why?" She answers, "So I can get it enlarged."

2007-06-01 15:55:36 · 9 answers · asked by Don't make me beg!!! 3

Tommy Cooper classics


Went to the paper shop - it had blown away

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'

'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'

A man walked into the doctor's, he said ' I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners

'So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said, 'You are.'

'So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ' Is that the local swimming baths?' He said ' It depends where you're calling from.'

'I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind' ,
so he gave me a kite.'

I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for ' flu.
So I went, and I got it.'

A man goes into the doctors. The doctor says, 'Go over to the window and stick your tongue out' . Man says, Why?
The doctor says, 'I don't like my neighbours'

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought ' This is unusual' .
And the dentist said to me ' Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.


'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.' That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' Is it common?' It's not unusual.'


I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages.' He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here.'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

'So I said to the doctor'. ' People keep taking the Mickey out of me because I keep thinking I'm a cricket ball.' The doctor said 'Howzat?'I said, don't you start' .

So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want'I said, 'I want to stay here.' She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.


'I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'
I said, 'Not only that.'I said, I said... I said it twice, I said, 'He's got one leg shorter than the other.' He said, 'What do you wanna do with it, eat it or dance with it?'
I said, 'Forget the chicken, give me a lobster, and he brought me this lobster. I said just a minute, he's only got one claw.' He said 'Well he's been in a fight.'I said, 'Well give me the winner.'

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.' My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? 'Well, 'says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'so he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says ' I'm going to have to put him down.' What? Because he's cross-eyed?' No, because he's really heavy'

So I went to the dentist.
He said, 'Say Aaah.'I said, 'Why?' He said, 'My dog's died.'

A man goes to the Psychiatrists and the Psychiatrist says: 'What's the problem' The man says, 'I think I'm becoming a kleptomaniac.' The Psychiatrist says, 'Here take these tablets and if you're no better in a week' .....' Bring me a colour TV'

2007-06-01 15:24:57 · 16 answers · asked by LONE WOLF 1

apple computers have developed a new computer chip that can store and play music in womens breast implants. the breast is great for women, because they complain alot that men are always staring at their breasts and never listening to them.........xxx

2007-06-01 15:04:18 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

George W. Bush is visiting yet another elementary school. He asks the children to give him an example of a tragedy. A little girl raises her hand and says that if her best friend was walking down the street and was hit by a car and killed that would be a tragedy. Dubya says "No, that would be an accident." A little boy raises his hand and says that if his entire class was on a bus for a field trip and the bus was hit by a train and everyone was killed, that would be a tragedy. Dubya says "No, that would be a great loss." Way in the back of the class Little Johnny raises his hand and Dubya calls on him. "Can you tell me what an example of a tragedy would be, Johnny?" Johnny says, "If you and Mrs. Bush were on Air Force One and were fired on by a missile and blown up, that would be a tragedy." Dubya says, "Very good. Now can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" Johnny says, "Well, it wouldn't be an accident, and it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss!"

2007-06-01 14:50:15 · 9 answers · asked by Bark at the Moon 6

This farmer lives on an island. He goes to the store and buys a fox, chicken, and a bag of corn. He can only take one of them over to the island at a time in his boat. If he takes the the corn, the fox will eat the chicken. If he takes the fox, the chicken will eat the corn. If he takes the chicken, then he still has to make two more trips and leaves either the fox and chicken together or the chicken and the corn together. How does he get them all over safely.

2007-06-01 14:24:48 · 7 answers · asked by mose 1

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
tree
begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that
a
son
of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if
that
is
a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.

He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It
is,
however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

2007-06-01 14:22:56 · 16 answers · asked by sissy 5

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room
and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy

The first thing Daisy asked was,
"Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom,
they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk,"
she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby
and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.




"Yes, we do,"

the clerk said and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked,
"Would you like me to put that on your bill?

"No!" Donald quacked,
"What kind of a pervert do you think I am?"

2007-06-01 13:53:13 · 16 answers · asked by Angela G 4

The barman said, " I thought you only drank blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says " I'm making tea."

2007-06-01 13:41:52 · 29 answers · asked by barnowl 4

What did the DNA ask the other DNA?

Do I look fat in these genes?!! :D

Here's another one, Adults ONLY please!
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=ArV4YKR_z0sncXDmOo6os8Pty6IX?qid=20070525221515AA6cD95

2007-06-01 13:35:17 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Every night I take him out for a drag !

2007-06-01 13:33:56 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

When I'm the type of guy who will never settle down
Where pretty girls are will you know that I'm around
I kiss'em and I love'em 'cause to me they're all the same
I hug'em and I squeeze'em they don't even know my name
They call me the wanderer - yeah -the wanderer
I roam around around around around

Oh, well there's Flo on my left arm and there's Marry on my right
And Jenny's the girl with that I'll be with tonight
And when she asks me which one I love the best
I'll tear open my shirt and show her Rosie on my chest
'Cause I'm the wanderer - yeah -the wanderer
I roam around around around around

Oh, well I roam from town to town
I go through life without a care
And I'm as happy as a clown
And with my two fists of iron but I'm going no way on

Oh yeah, I'm the type of guy that likes to roam around
I'm never in one place I roam from town to town
And when I find myself fallin' for some girl
I hope right into that car of mine I drive around the world
Yeah I'm a wanderer yeah the wanderer
I roam around around around around
Lettin' go

Oh yeah, I'm the type of guy that likes to roam around
I'm never in one place I roam from town to town
And when I find myself fallin' for some girl
I hope right into that car of mine drive around the world
'Cause I'm a wanderer yeah the wanderer
I roam around around around around around around
'Cause I'm a wanderer yeah the wanderer
I roam around around around around around around around
'Cause I'm a wanderer I'm a wanderer

2007-06-01 13:19:57 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

are google, yahoo, and microsoft, getting a huge data base together about, YOU.?......lol. only asking.lol.......YOU, check it out

2007-06-01 13:04:15 · 5 answers · asked by raybbies 5

Make the funniest joke because I'm having a bad day
I'm late for school
Then I got a detention
Someone tripped me and I fell of the stairs
Then I got lots of bruises
Everybody in my class picked on me, I didn't do anything to them
Someone fought me and I loss the fight
Then I got a black eye
Then I got suspended for 3 days, then the person who fought me didn't get suspended
This girl slap me for no reason
I got grounded for 2 weeks because I was suspended
So I didn't go anywhere only school
Then my dog peed on me
I was crying because of the bad day I was having
Make the funniest joke, so you can cheer me up, who ever make the best joke win 10 points.

2007-06-01 12:59:57 · 21 answers · asked by kenny t 1

A woman?s husband comes home hammered every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone.

One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she?s waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub.

?It?s getting late, big boy,? she says after a few minutes. ?Why don?t we go upstairs to bed.?

?We might as well,? slurs the husband. ?I?m going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway.?

2007-06-01 12:56:15 · 8 answers · asked by Don't make me beg!!! 3

2007-06-01 12:51:34 · 6 answers · asked by Whoa_Phat 4

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly: "My blonde wife sure is stupid... she bought an air conditioner!"

2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My blonde wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!"

1st Hillbilly: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly: "Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly : "That ain't nuthin'! My redhead wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in there."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "Well what's so dumb about that?"

3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker!!!"

2007-06-01 12:42:37 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Toward the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden, POOF!, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life..... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" THEN POOF!....she was gone.

After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred. "Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the Pussywillows."

Harry yells back......"DON'T SWING FRED!!!" "For God sake, DON'T SWING!!"

2007-06-01 12:38:00 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q. Why the sailor couldn't play cards?

A. Coz the crew were sitting on the deck! :D

Here's a FUNNIER one...

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AggrYY5GSOrWKSE9LxZKqyTty6IX?qid=20070525221515AA6cD95

2007-06-01 12:27:45 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q. What's a sheep' favorite car?

A. Lamb-orghini! :D

Here's a funnier one...

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AggrYY5GSOrWKSE9LxZKqyTty6IX?qid=20070525221515AA6cD95

2007-06-01 12:23:38 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong....

2007-06-01 12:19:35 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.

She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.

When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."

2007-06-01 12:12:34 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-01 12:10:29 · 16 answers · asked by joelinn1974 3

A man and his wife live in a beach house. One afternoon the wife sends her husband out to find some snails for supper (escargot). While he's out with a bucket searching, he finds this beautiful woman on the beach. After a while of talking, they decide to go back to her beach house, and end up making love for the rest of the day. After which they both fall asleep.

The man wakes up well after dark. In a panic, he rushes to get dressed and runs towards his home. On the way he quickly finds some snails and drops them in the bucket, all the while wondering what he's going to tell his wife.

Just as he reaches the top step to the door he trips dumping the snails on the landing. At the same time his wife opens the door to find her husband face down on the landing and snails at her feet.

Just as she angrily starts to ask where the h*** he's been, he quickly pipes up "Hurry up, come on guys, we're almost there!"

2007-06-01 11:54:32 · 15 answers · asked by passionatemilf 2

here r some seminars for men
1. Combating Stupidity.
2. You Can Do Housework Too.
3. PMS - Learning When to Keep Your Mouth Shut.
4. How to Fill an Ice Tray.
5. We do not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas. GIVE US MONEY.
6. Understanding the Female Response to your Coming in Drunk at 3am.
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly called "Don't Wash my Silks").
8. Parenting - No, it doesn’t End with Conception.
9. How not to Act like an ***, when you are Obviously Wrong.
10. Get a Life - Learn to Cook.
11. Spelling - Even you can get it right.
12. You - The Weaker Sex.
13. Reasons to give Flowers.
14. How to stay awake after sex.
15. Why it is Unacceptable to relieve you anywhere but the Washroom.
16. Garbage - Getting it to the Curb.
17. The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake, Take a Shower.
18. I'll wear it if I Damn Well Please.
19. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly called "No, It's Not A Bidet").
20. Give me a Break - Why we know your excuses are B.S.
21. The Weekend and Sports are not Synonymous.
22. How to Go Shopping with your Mate without Getting Lost.
23. The Remote Control - Overcoming your Dependency.
24. Romanticism - Other Ideas Besides Sex.
25. Helpful Posture Hints for Couch Potatoes.
26. Changing your Underwear - It Really Works.
27. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children.
28. You Too Can Be a Designated Driver.
29. Male Bonding - Leaving your Friends at Home.
30. Fluffing the Blankets after Releasing Gas is NOT Necessary.
31. The Attainable Goal - Omitting ]@#$&$ From Your Vocabulary.
32. Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially When Naked.

2007-06-01 11:49:16 · 9 answers · asked by well thts it...... 3

Why is there always a line longer on those V's you see birds make when Migrating?

2007-06-01 11:21:09 · 11 answers · asked by Chrys 5

1) Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your a*se in here by 8:00!"

2) Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3) Inventive way to finally meet the hunk in Human Resources.

4) "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

5) To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse....

6) You want to see if it's like the dream.

7) So that- with a little help from Muzak-you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated CV.....

8) People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them....

9) Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk....

10) Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning...

11) No one steals your chair....

2007-06-01 11:07:52 · 18 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5