Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

A blind chap was walking along with his guide dog when all of a sudden the dog stopped and pee'd up the fellas leg, the blind chap put his hand in his pocket pulled out a biscuit and gave it to the dog! With that a stranger walked up to the unfortunate man and said " That has got to be the best bit of human kindness I've seen in a long time , your dog has just done a wee up your leg and you've give him a biscuit"
" Ah" said the blind chap " Thats so I know where his mouth is so I can give him a kick up the bum!"...................... and I cleaned that one up!

2007-06-02 08:53:19 · 14 answers · asked by stephensgaz 2

A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5000 dollars in the seatbelt competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. "Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart *** when he's drunk." Then, the guy in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said: "Are we over the border yet"????

2007-06-02 08:51:45 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. ‘I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.’
So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the
party run to the pool to see what has happened.
In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.

2007-06-02 08:08:45 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

2007-06-02 06:56:01 · 30 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

Scroll Down



















Keep scrolling...





















Do Not worry...





















Boo!

2007-06-02 04:53:01 · 31 answers · asked by Mr. Heel 2

yeeba yeeba underlay underlay

2007-06-02 04:26:19 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

2007-06-02 04:22:43 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

The score of a baseball game is four to three, in favor of the home team. It is the bottom of the eighth inning and yet no man on either side has reached second base. How can this be?

2007-06-02 04:07:10 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Note from husband:
My dear wife, l'm sure you'll understandl've certain needs that your 54yr old body can no longer supply.But l still value you as a wife, therefore, l'll be spending the evening with my 18yr old secretary but l'll be home before midnight.
When the man returns he finds this note from his wife:
My dear husband,thankyou for your honesty--though l'd like to remind you that you too are 54yrs old. So l'll be spending the evening with my 18yr old tennis-coach.
I'm sure you'll understand that though we're in the same situation, theres one crucial difference--18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. therefore l wont be home til tomorrow lunchtime















taken from this weeks "thats life"magazine

2007-06-02 03:57:43 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

God and the Blonde


A blonde was driving down the street, in a panic because she had an
important meeting and couldn't find a parking space.

Looking up toward heaven, she said, "Oh Lord, please take pity on me.
If you find me a parking space, I will go to church every Sunday for the
rest of my life and give up promiscuous living and tequila."

Miraculously, an empty spot appeared.

She looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

2007-06-02 03:49:36 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

For all of the people that don't know what I'm doing, I (and some other people) have decided to start a thing where I write a fact of the day everyday. If you have a fact to share, then share it!

A goldfish has a memory span of 3 seconds.

2007-06-02 03:02:38 · 16 answers · asked by xoxox 5

2007-06-02 01:57:00 · 4 answers · asked by network 2

i called your boyfriend gay and he whacked me with his purse.



my favorite word begins with F and ends in U C K, my favorite word is firetruck, what'd you think I'd say?



There was a duck. He went down the way to store. There he said, to the manager, "Got any grapes?" and the manager coolly replied, "Nope."

Tomorrow there was a duck. Yep, the same duck. He went down the way to the store. There he said, to the manager, "Got any grapes?" and the manager a little flustered replied, "You again? We still don't have grapes, okay?!" the duck hurried out.

Tomorrow the duck returned. He said, "Got any grapes?" "NO! IF YOU ASK ME THAT ONCE MORE, I WILL NAIL YOUR BEAK TO THAT COLUMN!" The manager fumed, pointing to the roundish pole that went from the ceiling to the floor (a column). the duck left.

The next day, however, the duck went back to the store. "I'm getting you and nailing you, too!"
"But i haven't asked, yet!"☺
"Oh alright."
"Got any nails?"☺
"Well, no."
"Got any grapes?" ☺

2007-06-02 00:52:46 · 32 answers · asked by callyflower 2

my friend was retiring and to celibrate we went to the local pub.
a young wise guy came over and asked what are you celibrating, retirment he said ,well can i have your job when you leave ? yes you can said my pall you can start at 8 o0clock on monday, what does it entail he asked . well said my pall My job is a tester at the local durex factory, i pick one out at random from the conveyor belt every day and go and shag the secretary who by the way is a beauty, great said this young man, two weeks ent by and we were out in the local again haveing a pint when in came this young man again with a real bad attitude he asked what is the matter you have a new job money in your pocket, and a job for life, well he, you never said it was a fortnight in hand,

2007-06-01 22:45:23 · 6 answers · asked by me again 3

another stupid question from me lol

2007-06-01 22:37:33 · 17 answers · asked by [мιѕѕ є] + ♥ 4

> MAKING A BABY...
>
> There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.
>
> The Smiths were unable to conceive children and
> decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
>
> On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith
> kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now;
> The man should be here soon."
>
> Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer
> happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
>
> Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''
>
> Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in,
> embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
>
> "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well,
> that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
>
> "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped.
> Please come in and have a seat"
>
> After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where
> do we start?"
>
> "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the
> bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple
> on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is
> fun. You can really spread out there."
>
> "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't
> work out for Harry and me!"
> "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one
> every time. But if we try several different
> positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm
> sure you'll be pleased with the results."
>
> "My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
>
> "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his
> time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes,
> but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
>
> "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
>
> The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled
> out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was
> done on the top of a bus," he said.
>
> "Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
>
> "And these twins turned out exceptionally well -
> when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
>
> "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
>
> "Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to
> the park to get the job done right. People were
> crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
>
> "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes
> wide with amazement.
>
> "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more
> than three hours, too.
>
> The mother was constantly squealing and yelling -
> I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached
> I had to rush my shots.
>
> Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my
> equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
>
> Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they
> actually chewed on your, uh...equipment? "
>
> "It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready,
> I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
>
> "Tripod?"
>
> "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my
> Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the
> hand very long."
>
> Mrs. Smith fainted..... ....
>

2007-06-01 22:30:52 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Don't blame me I was sent this and if I've got to suffer so can you!!

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him.

To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?

Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.

As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees.

He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lionÂ?s cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

WAIT FOR IT...............................................................

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps
with Mushy Bees."

2007-06-01 22:30:23 · 23 answers · asked by Greybeard 7

There's a paper and pen puzzle that's supposed to be impossible to crack. It involves you drawing six boxes, three on top of three with spaces and you have to put lines from each one to each one without crossing lines. I used to know it as the 'gas, water and electricity trick' as though you had to supply three utilities to three houses. Not a very good description but I think you will get my drift. Where can I find this puzzle online and/or it's solution? Thanks!

2007-06-01 22:25:49 · 5 answers · asked by Lee 4

Stay free mini-pads.

2007-06-01 21:31:31 · 9 answers · asked by parnell 1

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. After bringing in all the luggage, the guy says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says "Well put them between my legs and I will warm them up."

Later he goes out to catch a few fish for lunch and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well put them between my legs and I'll warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says,"Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She (smiles) and says, "Darn Honey, don't your EARS ever get cold?"

2007-06-01 21:14:27 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

what gets wetter the more it dries?

2007-06-01 21:04:23 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three women competed in the recent Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim.

The brunette came in first, with the redhead a close second.

Much later, the blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked,

"I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."

2007-06-01 20:58:10 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.

"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that wire?"

"Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!"

"You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.

Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.

"Hey kid!" the farmer yells. "Where ya goin' with that tape?" "Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape -- I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!"

"You can't catch ducks with duck tape!" the farmer yells back. "Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.

The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick.

"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that stick?"

"Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's pussywillow."

"Hang on," the farmer says, "I'll get my hat."

2007-06-01 19:25:04 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

1) Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree I were a squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

9) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

10) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

11) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

12) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

2007-06-01 19:21:58 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and a baby stork.

The baby stork is crying and crying and the father stork is trying to calm him.

"Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing babies to families and making them happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job.

Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and the mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night!

Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night.

The baby stork says, "Nowhere in particular. I was just scaring the hell out of college students!"

2007-06-01 19:19:55 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssombody stole my car," the man replies.

The cop asks... "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss at the end of thiss key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's penis is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and, without missing a beat, blurts out...
"SON OF A GUN! THEY GOT MY GIRL FRIEND, TOO!"

2007-06-01 19:18:31 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couples sex life is dead so they go to a therapist and get tips.The therapist tells them they can do the following to help their love life. The woman takes a donut and tries to toss it on the mans dick and the man takes a grape and tries to get it in the womans pus sy. They go home and try and and their neighbors here them thumping on the bed from next door. The neighbors ask them what they did to get their love life back and they say go to the therapist and he can tell you. They go and the therapist says no. They keep begging and finally he says fine. You're gonna need a watermelon and a cheerio.

2007-06-01 19:15:40 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do ya' do with a drunken sailor,
What do ya' do with a drunken sailor,
What do ya' do with a drunken sailor,
Early in the mornin'?

Tie em' by his hands and heng em' from the yardarm,
Tie em' by his hands and heng em' from the yardarm,
Tie em' by his hands and heng em' from the yardarm,
Early in the mornin'!

Hit em' on the head with a broken hammer,
Hit em' on the head with a broken hammer,
Hit em' on the head with a broken hammer,
Early in the mornin'!

What do ya' do with a drunken sailor,
What do ya' do with a drunken sailor,
What do ya' do with a drunken sailor,
Early in the mornin'?

Bind em' to the tiller an' beat em' with a bullwhip,
Bind em' to the tiller an' beat em' with a bullwhip,
Bind em' to the tiller an' beat em' with a bullwhip,
Early in the mornin'!

Poke em' in the knee with a rusty sabre,
Poke em' in the knee with a rusty sabre,
Poke em' in the knee with a rusty sabre,
Early in the mornin'!

2007-06-01 19:10:45 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy on here told an Asian girl "Your momma's so fat she has more chins than a chinese phone book." He calls himself MasterYoda.

2007-06-01 18:39:26 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

2007-06-01 17:47:14 · 28 answers · asked by Harry Hood 6