Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.

2007-06-03 13:35:47 · 16 answers · asked by Lizzie 2

A man is in his hospital bed dying. All his family are at his bedside waiting for the consultant to come in. The consultant arrives.
"As you know, Ted is gravely ill. Six months ago I would have told you there was absoultely nothing we could do to help him. However there is a radical and revolutionary new treatment. It is not guaranteed but it IS Teds' only chance of survival"
The family look keen so the consultant continues:
"The option is a brain transplant"
He goes on to explain the procedure but adds that there is a cost involved....£5000 for a male brain or £500 for a female brain.
All the men in the room smile to themselves and the women look cross.
Before long a man raises the question "Why the huge difference in price?"
"It's simple" replies the consultant "It's just pricing policy... like in the shops..... the female brain is reduced because it's been used"

TA DA!!!!!!!
Go on give me a star if you like it.... I've only ever had 3!!!!

2007-06-03 13:23:00 · 29 answers · asked by happy girl 3

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and
Listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his
Head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any
Testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and
Returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner
Looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front
Paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He
Then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.






The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments
Later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately
At the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its
Head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.





The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this
Is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to
His computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he
Handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. She cried, "$150
Just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill
Would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now
$150.00."

2007-06-03 13:21:21 · 33 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Your not suppose to hit him with a rolled up news paper

2007-06-03 13:15:48 · 22 answers · asked by Cheryl 6

(8 January 2001, Florida) Greed knows no bounds, even when the situation is life threatening. In an Orlando restaurant a fire spread when a rusty metal chimney ignited the old dry wood surrounding it. Flames shot from the roof and the dining area began to fill with smoke. Patrons rushing to the exits to flee the burning restaurant... at least, most of them did. But one greedy patron rushed to the buffet to fill his plate with food so he could eat outside, and another was seen stealing tips from the tables in the smoke-filled room. A third patron asked fire officials if the restaurant would reopen later in the day so she could have her pudding.


I mean..I'd do it. How bad can 10 seconds be to get more food?

2007-06-03 12:56:27 · 3 answers · asked by leikevy 5

I saw this bulletin on myspace and it said to go to this website ( www.thesurrealist.co.uk/slogan.cgi ) and type in your name to find out your slogan...So i did it.

Then i started to think...''what if your name is dick?''
So this is what i came up with:
1.Your never alone with a D**K
2.I'd walk a mile for a D**K
3.Happiness is D**K-shaped
4.I scream, You scream, we all scream for D**K
5.A D**K works wonders
6.Double the pleasure, Double the D**K
7.D**K really saticfies
8.We bring good D**K to life
9.Get busy with the D**K
10.D**K-licking good
Tell me what you think? Is it funny or not?

2007-06-03 12:44:12 · 22 answers · asked by jazzygurl2688 2

i'm writing a song

2007-06-03 12:43:01 · 18 answers · asked by tom taylor 1

fill in the blank.....Why did you take my chocolate? Because___________________________________

2007-06-03 12:32:12 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-03 12:05:39 · 4 answers · asked by NAY G 1

Here's something to think about!

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]


Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]


Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that)

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

2007-06-03 11:39:12 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

due to the weight of this man,the engine of his car fell out,and fifty six kilometer later,he discovered that the engine of his car has fallen off.and he stoped the empty car,and start running back,sweating,asking people,PLEASE ,DID SOMEONE FIND THE ENGINE OF MY CAR?and when he asked some students returning from school,they all started laughing and fell down like the engine...........................................how?

2007-06-03 11:19:06 · 11 answers · asked by Silvia 1

husband picks up the phone and says, "Hello?... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" -- and prompty slams the phone down.

His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"

The husband replies. "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

2007-06-03 10:57:11 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."
"No, ma'am", he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help."

2007-06-03 10:50:28 · 21 answers · asked by pitsargenaf 4

# He keeps shaking the black crystal ball and says, "Ask again later."

# Every time you draw the Death card, she yells "Go Fish!"

# Looks suspiciously like that guy who fixed your drains last week.

# His idea of "out of body experience" involves whipped cream and women's clothing.

# His spoon bending requires two pliers.

# Sign in window: "As seen in 60 Minutes."

# During card reading, asks if you want to "hit" or "stand."

# Insists that your astrological sign is "The Amarillo."

# Psychics Magazine rates her just below fortune cookies, just above your mam.

# Repeatedly attempts to read your palm with his genatalia.

# Shakes her crystal ball, then predicts a large snowstorm.

2007-06-03 10:48:19 · 8 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

My nookie days are over
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout

Time was when of its own accord
From my trousers it would spring
But now I have a full time job
To find the blasted thing

It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave

As old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang it's withered head
And watch me tie my shoes

2007-06-03 10:39:45 · 20 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

I made it up so it might be a little dumb and bad,

Remember: Ho= Slut You'l need that info for this joke!

2 friends, a guy and a guy go out for a guys night out and they start a conversation. The first guy says: My job is awesome! I work with a hoe!
Second guy says: Does he look at hot girls in a flirty way?
First guy: Hoes never talk at my farm job!

2007-06-03 10:28:58 · 8 answers · asked by Zet-Let and Dezserret here! 2

When you get there, god comes ands says "you can stay here and be happy for the rest of eternity as long as you don't step on any ducks. You look down and see that there are ducks walking around everywhere. So well, hes god and you don't question him and go about being happy. The next day, you see your friend walking around with a reallly ugly girl.
You go to him and ask " why are you walking around with her?"
He responds" I stepped on a duck"

Then one day you wake you and see a Really hot girl next to you and you ask " what are you doing here?"
She responds " I stepped on a duck"


This joke works better in person and with real people like your friends.

2007-06-03 10:24:02 · 7 answers · asked by Lin X 2

La Grange, GA - Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. "My dog drags the thing all over the house," he said later. "He must have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the dog and sat down right on the thing." The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr. Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion. "He was a real trooper during the entire episode," said Dr. Dennis Crobe. "Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in there".

You know darn well he brought that phone in there himself! ~N

2007-06-03 10:20:38 · 3 answers · asked by pitsargenaf 4

A Good Excuse:

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Just before 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in and I told him "Midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh ****," cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

2007-06-03 10:15:30 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

let the name be X.................haha ...

2007-06-03 09:49:52 · 20 answers · asked by Seungyong W 5

CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: "Repeat it".
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You're confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.

2007-06-03 09:36:11 · 2 answers · asked by pitsargenaf 4

Sorry if it is a repost, but I definitely laughed, and hope you do too! Enjoy, ~N

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
LAWYER: Male semen?
WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of.

LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
WITNESS: No.

2007-06-03 09:30:02 · 7 answers · asked by pitsargenaf 4

A man met an older woman at a bar the other night.
She wasnt bad for 57, so they drank and b*llsh*tted a bit, then she asked if he'd ever had the 'sportsman's double', a mother and daughter threesome?
he said no. They drank a bit more, then she says, "Tonight is your lucky night."
He went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:
"Mom you still awake?"

2007-06-03 09:29:37 · 5 answers · asked by laughingtxlady 3

A man walks into a bar with three ducks under his arm. he puts them on the table looks at the bartender and says, "sir can you please watch my ducks while i go to the bathroom?" the bartender looks surprised but agrees to watch them.
while the man is in the bathroom, one of the ducks says to the bartender, "hi how are you?"
the man is shocked that the duck can speak but complies "um im fine wats ur name?" the duck answers, "my name is louie."
the bartender says, "how are you louie?" the ducks says "my day was great! ive been in and out of puddles all day long! if i could change my day i wouldnt!"
The bartender says to the next duck" whats ur name?"
"my names dewy"
how was your day dewy?
"my day was great! ive been in and out of puddles all day long if i cud change my day i wudnt!"
The bartender approaches the last duck and asks"so you must be hughy, right?"
the duck sighs and say, "no my names puddles, dont ask about my day."

2007-06-03 09:19:26 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Its amazing how it can be so crude and also funny! What did you think?

2007-06-03 09:07:54 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

what the heck does "thunder thighs" mean?? hahah

2007-06-03 09:03:32 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Remove eight letters from the following line and unscramble the remaining letters to find a Neopian word.

U E I L G C R H T K P C L E T H T O E R S A
What's the unscrambled word?

Plz help!

2007-06-03 09:00:43 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dave returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Dave went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agreed and again they made love.

Later, Dave was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."
She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Dave, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up."Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,
"Listen Dave, I have to get up in the morning! You don't

2007-06-03 08:58:13 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Six year old Debra was walking her dog when she passed the temple where she and her family attended services. As she approached her Rabbi came out the temple door and said, "Shalom Debra, I see the tooth fairy visited you again."

"Yes Rabbi, and she left me a dollar under my pillow." said the six year politely. She then said, " Rabbi have you met my dog Porky?"

The old Rabbi chuckled. "I'll bet a nickel I can guess why you call him Porky."

She shook her head. "I'll bet you can't."

He laughed and said, "You called him Porky because he's so big and fat."

Debra shook her head. "No Rabbi, we call him that because he f***s pigs."

2007-06-03 08:52:16 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Neither have indoor plumbing!!!!!!!!!!

2007-06-03 08:51:52 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous