Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

The Engagement Ring.
The Marriage Ring.
AND ..... The SUFFERING.


How that sounds ???

2007-06-04 13:35:02 · 16 answers · asked by PAK ASIANS 6

ok i cut my leg on something in my back yard withch one is it

a. a toilet in my back yard

b. a knife in my back yard

c. a sement deer in my back yard

ferst one to awnser coretly gots 10 points! good luck!

2007-06-04 13:29:16 · 16 answers · asked by Hannah(: 2

A woman was a huge fan of Clint Black and Kenny Chesney and wanted to prove her devotion by getting a tattoo of one of them but couldn't decide which.
The tattoo artist said she should get one of both , one on the side of each buttock . So she quickly agreed to that and a few days later she decided to show her husband.

Taking her from behind , he peered down at the new pieces of art staring up at him .

"well what do you think of them, honey?" she asked . "Can you guess who they are ?"

The man looked down again and took a closer look.

"Well, I'm not really sure....the one on the left looks Kenny Chesney and the one to the right looks kind of like Clint Black

.... but who is the one in the center of them with the long beard and bad breath ? ...Why that must be Willie Nelson. "

2007-06-04 13:24:26 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it where the sun doesn't shine.

An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing.

"Whatya do that fer?" he asked.

"Got chapped lips," the cowboy replied.

The old man asked, "Does that help?"

The cowboy said, "No, but it keeps me from lickin them."

2007-06-04 12:52:57 · 23 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said,"You should do it because you get up first,and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said"You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it,because that is your job,and I can just wait for my coffee." The wife says,"It is in the bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies,"I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeen says....."HEBREWS"

2007-06-04 12:36:30 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

The World's Hardest Riddle",
I turn polar bears white
And I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
And girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
And normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
And make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?


97% of Harvard graduates can not figure this riddle out,
But 84% of kindergarten students were able to figure this out,
In 6 minutes or less.
Can you guess the riddle?

2007-06-04 12:00:34 · 29 answers · asked by aerocin1 1

A king is sitting on this throne one day and is bored out of his mind. He decides to make a contest to kill his boredom. He tells his servant to send out for a person to find the biggest ping pong ball and the reward would be one million dollars.

So his servant announces this to the kingdom and everyone rushes out. Yhe first man walks into the king's castle and has a huge ball 2 feet long. The king is in shock and says, "That is a huge ping pong ball." He tells the man to step aside, and wait for the others turn.

Another man brings a ping pong ball 4 feet long. The king is astonished, and says to the man, "Wow! That's a humungous ball. I think you'll probably be the winner, but lets wait to see the last person's ball!"

The next man starts pushing this HUGE, hairy, bloody, brown thing into the king's castle. The king jumps up and screams, "Good god man! What kind of ping pong ball is that?"

The man replies, "Ping pong ball? I thought you said KING KONG'S BALLS?!?"

2007-06-04 11:30:31 · 9 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"

2007-06-04 11:10:05 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

"You get this one, next round is on me." (We won't be here long enough to get another round.)

"I'll get this one, next one is on you." (Happy hour is about to end...pints now a £1, but by next round £4.50.)

"Hey, where is that your friend of yours?" (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a comprising postion.)

"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female-i'm easy.)

"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male-i'm gay.)

"Ever try a body shot?" (male to female- I am willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)

"Ever try a body shot?" (female to male-If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what i'll do to you on the ride home?)

"I don't feel well, let's go home." (female-You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)

"I don't feel well, let's go home." (male-I'm horny.)

"Who's got the next round?" (I haven't brought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at

2007-06-04 10:47:05 · 7 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

i am the beginning of the end.u can see me twice in a week but not in a day.once a year but twice a decade.what am i?

2007-06-04 10:46:53 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

This blonde guy filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.

Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit.

Sure enough, after only a short time of searching, he found a gas cap. He carefully wiped it off and slipped it into place with a satisfying click.

"Great," he told his wife as he climbed back into the car, "I may have lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits and it's even a better cap than the one I had - It Locks..."

2007-06-04 10:45:57 · 8 answers · asked by mizwiz 2

There was a lecture on "Psychic Phenomena" going on, when the speaker decided to involve the audience. He first asked, "Everyone who has ever seen a ghost, please stand up." Well, nearly the entire audience stood up.

He then asked, "Everyone who has ever had a close encounter with a ghost, please remain standing." About 2 dozen people were still standing.

He then asked how many people had been in the same room as a ghost and 6 people were left standing.

Finally he asked, "Anyone who has ever had SEX with a ghost, please remain standing." Everyone sat down except this one man.

When the speaker demanded if he REALLY had sex with a ghost, the bloke replied, "Oh, I am so sorry, I thought you said GOAT."

2007-06-04 10:36:21 · 19 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little **** on your knee."

2007-06-04 10:24:39 · 13 answers · asked by creillyrun2 2

3 old triplet sisters each 88 years old are becoming more forgetful

The first sister is about to take a bath and has one foot in the tub and one foot out. She calls out "WAS I GETTING IN THE TUB OR OUT?"

The 2nd sister tells the 3rd "I'm going to find out what she wants." As she reaches the landing of the stairs she turns back and asks "What was I going up stairs for?"

The 3 sister say's "God, I hope I never get that senile, knock on wood" and raps her hand on the coffee table 3 times.

She yells to both of her sisters "I COMING TO HELP BOTH OF YOU AS SOON AS I GET THE DOOR"


Star me baby!!!!!!!!!

2007-06-04 10:20:02 · 14 answers · asked by Sports fan 5

ok...

I shoot someone with my bullets and they drip off,
my victims don't die and i love to fight on a warm and sunny day.

what kind of gun am i using??

2007-06-04 10:09:27 · 69 answers · asked by Anonymous

A father is sitting in the living room reading the paper and his duaghter comes in. "Daddy daddy where did i get my name?" she asks. "Well," the dad says "After your mother had you, i gave her flowers and a rose petel fell on your cheek so i named your rose." The little girl leaves and another one comes asked the same question. the dad answers, "Well, after your mother had you i gave her flowers and a lilly petel fell on your cheek so i named you lilly." The little girl leaves. The father goes back to reading his paper when his third daughter comes. She stands by him and start to mumble "ahsd osfn einasf inef oer nowf noef " the father throws down the paper and screams, "SHUT UP CINDERBLOCK!!!"

2007-06-04 10:06:12 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

2007-06-04 09:58:21 · 6 answers · asked by nostrebor 3

2007-06-04 09:55:48 · 13 answers · asked by Hot Coco Puff 7

A father is sitting in the living room reading the paper and his duaghter comes in. "Daddy daddy where did i get my name?" she asks. "Well," the dad says "After your mother had you, i gave her flowers and a rose petel fell on your cheek so i named your rose." The little girl leaves and another one comes asked the same question. the dad answers, "Well, after your mother had you i gave her flowers and a lilly petel fell on your cheek so i named you lilly." The little girl leaves. The father goes back to reading his paper when his third daughter comes. She stands by him and start to mumble "ahsd osfn einasf inef oer nowf noef " the father throws down the paper and screams, "SHUT UP CINDERBLOCK!!!"

2007-06-04 09:52:52 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Firemen have rescued an Irishman stuck to a condom machine,

When asked what happened he replied:

" The sign said insert £2 push knob in."

2007-06-04 09:51:47 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ole was working at the fish plant up north in Duluth when he accidently cut off all ten of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in the Clinic and when he got there the Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da fingers and I'll see what I can do."

Ole said, "I haven't got da fingers."

"What do you mean, you haven't got da fingers?" he said. "Lord-it's 2005! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't you bring da fingers?"

To which Ole says........"How da fock was I suppose to pick dem up?

2007-06-04 09:49:39 · 8 answers · asked by bilbo b 4

A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it looking for money and guns but he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he is in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in prison, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay and found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.

2007-06-04 09:41:01 · 8 answers · asked by micho 7

2007-06-04 09:38:21 · 6 answers · asked by edward K. 2

SELFISH GIRL
Enters alone and locks the door, saying to the girls following that she will be out in a minute. Leisurely pees. adjusts her clothes and poses before the mirror keeping other squirming outside for an hour.

TIMID GIRL
Turns on taps full force. Backs up to the toilet, raises her dress and squats quickly. Listens intently to see if sound other than the tap running can be heard.

CONCEITED GIRL
Approaches toilet with undulating movements. Raises dress by fingertips. Expression while peeing indicates such a lovely creature should not be compelled to attend to such lowly duties. Farts silently and disdainfully.

HARDY GIRL
Raises dress with a whoop. Scuttles across the floor beating other occupant to the toilet. Squats with great force, rattling windows and causing breasts to bob up and down, hums lively tune, peeing in squirts to keep time, farts loudly with great pride.

2007-06-04 09:06:01 · 11 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."


The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

2007-06-04 08:58:55 · 11 answers · asked by Harmony t 2

Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that, and the subject finally got around to sex. The first old lady said she enjoyed sex now just as much as ever.

The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was.

The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom, he gets turned on and has his way with her.

The second old lady decides to try this approach. So that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head.

Her husband come sinto the bedroom, takes one look and says, "For God's sake Doreen, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you're starting to look like an a*sehole."

2007-06-04 08:54:53 · 19 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

what has roots has nobody sees,taller than trees
up,up it goes but it never grows

2007-06-04 08:52:56 · 20 answers · asked by treekgomon 4

An Old couple where having trouble remembering things so they went to the doctor,

The doctor told them it was just an age thing and there wasn't any thing he could do , however he did suggest that they bought a couple of pads of paper and wrote every thing down.

When they got home the old women asked her husband if he would like some ice cream,
"Yes please" he replied "but you'd better write it down"

Don't be silly ,I'll remember that ok, would you like some strawberrry sauce with that" she said

"Yes please, and a wafer if we've got any" he said

"Oh I'd better write that down" she replied

"no. don't bother .I'm sure you will rember" he said

About 1 and a half hours later she came back with a full roast dinner, with all the trimmings and no ice cream

"YOU STUPID OLD COW" He shouted at her

"What have I done wrong" She asked

"YOU FORGOT THE FLIPPING GRAVY"

2007-06-04 08:43:18 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

guy sitting watching the football his wife comes in wacks him on the back of the head with the paper "what was that for " the guy said .The woman then askes "whats this piece of paper with ann-marie on it i found in your pocket" quickly the man replies its the name of a horse i betted on. So a couple of days later she wacks him over the head with the frying pan "what the f_ck was that for" the wife replies "your f_cking horse phoned"

2007-06-04 08:31:23 · 19 answers · asked by tamwtam 2

2007-06-04 08:02:32 · 31 answers · asked by joelinn1974 3