Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When he
entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by
reciting the letters, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked at him, Puzzled, and said
"T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."The blonde was trying
to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said, as sweetly as
possible, "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a Quizzical expression,
"S-H-I-T."
The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she
said, "T-G-I-F,Thank Goodness it’s Friday, get it?"


The man answered,"S-H-I-T: Sorry Honey, its Thursday."

2007-06-05 10:56:23 · 9 answers · asked by ? 4

The fore man asks what experience they all have in the construction industry,

Englishmnan says that he has done a bit of hod carrying so the fore man sends him off doing that.

The Irishman says he has done a bit of ground works, so the foreman gets him laying pipes.

Th Chinese man says that he has no experience whatsoever but is willing to learn anything so the foreman tells him to work on supplies,

A few weeks go by and the Englishman and the Irishman bump into each other occasionally but never see the chinese man.

One day the Englishman says to the Irishman " Hey, what happened to that Chink that started with us?"

The Irishman replies "I don't know, He got put on supplies but I haven't seen him for weeks"

Just then The chinese man jumps out behind a stack of bricks and shouts.........."SUPPLIES!"

2007-06-05 10:51:25 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

A beautiful, well-dressed blonde seats herself in the first class cabin on a
cross-country flight, and settles her in for the trip, smiling prettily at
admiring passengers seated around her.

Underway, a flight attendant soon approaches the blonde and says, 'Miss, I'm
sorry, but I see that your ticket is for coach, and you're seated in first
class; I'm afraid you'll have to move.'
The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York
to be a model.'


Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant.

The senior attendant approaches the blonde and says, politely,'I'm sorry,
Miss, but since your ticket is for coach, you'll have to move back.'


The blonde replies, sweetly, 'I'm Blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to
New York to be a model' -- and shows no signs of moving.
Frustrated, the senior attendant informs the captain, and he says he'll deal
with the problem. He turns over flight control, walks to the rear, and observes
the blonde seated comfortably in first class.


Approaching her with a smile, the captain leans over and speaks quietly into
the blonde's ear. Almost immediately, the blonde gathers her things, gets up,
and moves quickly to the coach compartment.

Amazed, the senior flight attendant asks the captain, 'Captain, I'm impressed
... what did you say to her?'
The captain grinned slyly and said, 'I just told her that the first class
cabin doesn't go to New York.'

2007-06-05 10:45:54 · 9 answers · asked by ? 4

Great News

My wife who is blonde came running up to me in the driveway the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant! I was ecstatic!

We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said "Oh, honey, There's more."

I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to Have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"

2007-06-05 10:43:35 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mick and Paddy werereading headstones near a church.

Mick says "CRIKEY theres a bloke here who was 154".

Paddy says "what was his name?"

Mick says........ "Miles.. from London."

2007-06-05 10:42:13 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

He visits his local Technical College and finally chooses Car Mechanics. For months, he gives his all and spends every minute reading and working on engines. Leading up to the Finals he carefully prepares as he is convinced he'll make an excellent mechanic.
After the Practical exam, the tutor gives him 150 % ! Although very pleased with his all time best result he asks the tutor how it is possible to achieve this percentage !
" Well, " says the tutor, " I gave you 50 % for the dismantling of the engine, 50 % for its reassembling and then I had to give you another 50 % for doing all of it through the exhaust pipe " !

2007-06-05 10:40:06 · 16 answers · asked by Joe Ninety 2

Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the a** and having the balls to say, "You're next."

2007-06-05 10:26:16 · 4 answers · asked by bilbo b 4

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "F**K YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer f**k you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

2007-06-05 10:22:03 · 32 answers · asked by bilbo b 4

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,


"Excuthe me, mithter,do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so

that he's on her level and asks,


"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwackwabbit,
or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"


She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on
her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,


"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

2007-06-05 10:20:53 · 16 answers · asked by theresa t 3

Two casino dealers are at the craps table when a cute blonde comes over and says, "I want to bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. But, if you don't mind, I'd I feel much luckier if I were completely nude." They say fine, she strips naked from the neck down, and rolls the dice. Then she screams, "I won! I won!" She starts jumping up and down, hugs each of the dealers, and then picks up her money and her clothes and walks away. For a minute the two dealers stare at each other. Then the first one says, "What did she roll, anyway?" The second dealer says, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."

2007-06-05 10:19:05 · 19 answers · asked by bilbo b 4

Whoever gets it right gets 10 points!

2007-06-05 10:06:42 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little OLD lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this
problem
with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and
are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times
since I've been here in your office.
You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent.

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next
week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what
the hell you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink
terribly."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's
work on your hearing."

2007-06-05 09:49:51 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big bloody red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

2007-06-05 09:44:40 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q. What did John Wilkes Booth say before shooting Lincholn?
A. Hasta la vista, Abey.
@->-->-

2007-06-05 09:11:02 · 8 answers · asked by Chimpanzees? Monkey. 7

3 guys go to a hotel, they pay $10 each ($30), the guy at reception realises that he should have only charged them $25 so he sends the bell boy to there room, on the way the bell boy realises that 3 people cannot share €5 equally, so he takes €2 and gives them €3 back, this means they all payed €9 each and the bellboy has €2 ......................3 x 9 = 27+2 = 29........Wheres the other $?

2007-06-05 08:59:35 · 7 answers · asked by Jesusreloaded 2

1. Domenikos Theotocopoulus is better known as who?

2. Good Kind Wenceslas was celebrating what holiday?

3.What is a legerdeman?

4. Ceylon is to Sri Lanka as Constantinople is to...?

5. A soldier has been captured by the enemy. He has been so brave that they offer to let him choose how he wants to be killed. They tell him, "If you tell a lie, you will be shot, if you tell the truth you will be hanged." He makes a statemant and goes free. What did he say?

6.Even if you don't speak Latin, you should know what this says: O sibili si emgo/fortibuses i nara/ o nobili demis is trux/ vatis inem? caus an dux

7.How do you refuse an invitation to dinner at the white house?

8.What is the only word in the English language that has the letters "ufa" in that order next to each other?

Good luck these are all Mensa Problems!

2007-06-05 08:34:18 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Gary came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Gary, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter."

Gary was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said good-bye to my family. . . You've got to send me back straight away."

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.

We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Gary was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Gary, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode." "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before." "Never" replies Gary. "Well just relax and let it happen" So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him.

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting... "Gary, wake up you drunken bastard, you've sh*t the bed.

2007-06-05 08:32:15 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

i cannot be felt, seen or touched; Yet i can be found in everybody; My existence is always in debate; yet i have my own style of music. what am I ?

2007-06-05 08:28:41 · 13 answers · asked by matt 3

tell you soon have a guess if you wish

2007-06-05 08:23:03 · 8 answers · asked by J A 1

1) Insert bulb and use as a flashlight.

2) Fill with ink and use as a bingo dabber.

3) Fill with frosting and squeeze to decorate cake.

4) Use it as a decoration to hang from your rearview mirror.

5) Hang a dried out one inside an upside-down clay pot for an interesting bell. Gives new meaning to the phrase "ding dong."

6) Nail it to the wall and use it as a coat rack.

7) In a pinch, poke extra holes in the end to make a shower nozzle.

8) Conversation piece on the coffee table ("Oh that was just like Ronald in his prime....")

9) Redneck girl's toothpick holder.

10) Dip it in candied apple glaze and make an all day sucker out of it.

11) Fill with vicks and use it as a nose inhaler.

12) Fill it up with plaster of Paris and use it as a microphone while singing the Lorena Bobbitt song.

13) Stick a Mickey mouse head on the tip, slit the dick horizontally, insert a spring in the bottom, and use it as a Pez dispenser.

2007-06-05 08:18:54 · 16 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

2007-06-05 08:18:31 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section
of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose,
then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman, smiling,
sneezed again, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered
violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about
the shuddering. A few more minutes passed, when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before, she took out a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more
than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you okay?"

"Oh, I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded and replied………."Pepper!"

2007-06-05 08:18:15 · 32 answers · asked by ? 5

White House 2008
One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton ." The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton".

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here." The man thanked him and again walked away..

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don 't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer

2007-06-05 08:16:42 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm as small as an ant, as big as a whale. I'll approach like a breeeze, but can come like a gale. By some I get hit, but all have shown fear. I'll dance to the music, though I can't hear. Of names I have many, of names I have one. I'm as slow as a snail, but from me you can't run. What am I?

2007-06-05 08:15:35 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Here's the scenario: A woman has two small children. A homicidal murderer tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill?

2007-06-05 08:10:03 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

1) Degree on the wall reads "Doctor of Swingology."

2) Keeps repeating, "If you can't change course, you must divorce."

3) "I'm afraid there's not much you can do with a penis that small."

4) Her latest book: "Women are from venus, Men are lying B*stards."

5) "just shut up and screw" doesn't seem like good advice.

6) After you've enough "session points," you can choose either a pepper spray or a tazer gun.

7) When you and your spouse claim sexual incompatibility, he throws a couple of pillows on the floor and says, "prove it."

8) "Communication, schmunication - let's talk about "backdoor love"....

9) "Mr & Mrs Smith, Dr Ike Turner will see you now."

10) You quickly discover that his motto, "Don't worry, be happy," is pretty much the extent of his knowledge of the english language.

11) Always takes Hilary's side.

12) In order to open the lines of communication, she begins the first session hooking your genitals up to a car battery

2007-06-05 07:58:53 · 12 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, saying "Lie to me! LIE TO ME!!!!!!!!!!"

Q: Why are hunters so great lovers in bed?
A: Because they go deep into the bush, shoot twice and eat everything they shoot!

Q: Whats the speed limit of sex?
A: 68 because at 69 you have to turn around!!

2007-06-05 07:57:53 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

excuse for failing a test and trying to explain to ur mom.


oh, (percentage) is showing I need to learn more and by that I need more computer time because it makes my IQ go to 1000


HUH? i dont get

2007-06-05 07:57:20 · 12 answers · asked by Preppy Prep Girl 4

On the day of the Royal wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all of her family. She suddenly realized she had forgotten to get shoes. Panic!

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately, they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over, Sophie's feet were hurting real bad.

When she and Edward withdrew to their room, the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.

The rest of the family crowded around the door of the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected; grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say, "God, that was tight."

"There," whispered the Queen. "I told you she was a virgin."

Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say, "Right. Now for the other one." Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said, "My God. That was even tighter."

"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."

2007-06-05 07:46:33 · 18 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

BOO-BEES

2007-06-05 07:41:21 · 22 answers · asked by Uncle Elroy 4