Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

Being American is about driving a German car to an Irish pub for a Mexican beer,then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish shish-kebab on the way to sit down on Danish furniture and British shows on a Japanese large-screen plasma tv. And the most American thing of all suspicion of anything foreign.


Oh, yes, and only in America can an Italian pizza made by a Greek chef reach your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries (super sized) and a diet soft drink.
Only in America do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we don't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America do we leave vehicles worth tens of thousands of dollars in the driveway and lock our

2007-06-05 07:07:48 · 20 answers · asked by Quinn 4

He thought a quarterback was a refund.
He thought general motors was in the army.
He thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
At the bottom of an application where it says sign here he wrote sagittatarius.
He took a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
He tripped over a cordless phone.
He told me to meet him at the corner of WALK and DONT WALK.

2007-06-05 06:57:57 · 11 answers · asked by Quinn 4

NYSE PFE are making the announcement today that VIAGRA will soon be available in a liquid form and will be marketed by pepsi as a power beverage suitable for use as it is or as a mixer under the name 'Mount & Do'. Pepsi's proposed advertising campaign suggests: 'It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one'.

2007-06-05 06:53:14 · 21 answers · asked by HMB-100% Princess 2

Eleven people were hanginig on a rope under a helicopter,ten men and one woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all,so they had decided to drop one off, otherwise they are all going to fall.
They were not able to choose that person, but then the women made a very touching speech.
She said she would voluntarily let go of the rope because as a women she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without getting anything in return.
As soon as she had finished her speech,all the men started clapping their hands.

2007-06-05 06:50:11 · 14 answers · asked by Quinn 4

patient says: bad news 1st, worse news after.
doctor: i'm very sorry but the results show u have AIDS.
patiens: ok, and the worse news?
doctor: you have alzheimers disease, im very sorry.
patient: oh thats excellent news doctor, at least i dont have AIDS

2007-06-05 06:40:14 · 23 answers · asked by HMB-100% Princess 2

who can tell me the best joke ever?....i promise 10 points...and a coffee if i'll ever meet him or her:D

2007-06-05 05:54:25 · 10 answers · asked by rox_girl 3

Did you here the one about .............
The two seater Cessna aeroplane that crashed into a cemetary in Ireland ?
The police have found sixteen bodies so far but expect the total to rise.
Please star if made you laugh.

2007-06-05 04:54:06 · 9 answers · asked by russ.mcdonnell 2

A woman spots a little old man sitting happily on a park bench and wanders over for a chat.
"I can't help but notice how happy you look,! she says. "what's your secret?"
"well," replies the man, "I smoke, drink, eat junk food all day and don't exercise..."
"Wow!" says the woman. "How old are you?"
"twenty-three."

2007-06-05 04:50:27 · 12 answers · asked by shoegalxx 3

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on holiday to Jerusalem. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for £5000, or you can bury her here in the holy land for £150."
The man thought about it and told him he'd just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend £5000 to ship your mother-in-law home when it would be wonderful for her to be buried here and you would spend only £150?" The man replied, long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just cant take that chance."

2007-06-05 04:42:39 · 19 answers · asked by shoegalxx 3

have you ever heard the grandfather theory for time travel? well let's say you killed your grandfather the nhe never would have had your dad and your dad never would have had you which would mean that you wouldn't have been born but if you weren't born then he'd be alive meaning you'd be alive meaning he'd be dead meaning you be dead

2007-06-05 04:24:39 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam. Suddenly, a man knocked on his window. The driver rolled down his window and asked, "what's up?". The man said excitedly, "President Bush has been kidnapped by terrorists. They will cover him in petrol and burn him if they don't get $10 million ransom." "well what do you want me to do?" "Well we're going from car to car and collecting for the cause," answered the man. "Aha...And how much are people giving?" asked thedriver. "Oh, somewhere around one or two gallons."

2007-06-05 04:22:57 · 16 answers · asked by shoegalxx 3

A man walks into a pub with his wife. His wife sits down while he orders a drink and a friend of his at the bar asks him where he's been.
"on holiday," he replies.
"where on holiday?" his friend asks.
"spain."
"whereabouts in spain?"
"some little village on the coast."
"what's it called?"
"I forget. What's the name of that plant that grows up the side of houses?"
"ivy."
"Thats it," he says. "Ivy, what's the name of the village we stayed at in spain?"

2007-06-05 04:14:29 · 18 answers · asked by shoegalxx 3

1.What sleep cycle do narcoleptics sleep in?
2. Someone born in Kansas is known as a what?
3. In a md88 which bin is slanted up?
4. In the little mermaid what does the seagull put his head to to listen for a hearbeat in eric?
5. What day of the week are you most likely to see fireworks at a baseball game?

2007-06-05 04:04:35 · 7 answers · asked by REM 2

refrigerator running...?

2007-06-05 03:26:49 · 14 answers · asked by I'm Taken and Lovin It! 2

2007-06-05 03:10:18 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were three babies in a woman's womb, and they were discussing what they would like to be when they were out in the world and grown up.
The first one said "I wanna be a plumber." The others laughed at this, and asked why he wanted be be a plumber. He replied, "So I can fix the pipes in here, it's kinda leaky."

The second one said "I wanna be an electrician." The others thought this was kind of silly too and asked why. The second baby answered, "so I can get some lights in here, its dark!"

The third one said, "I wanna be a boxer." The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full five minutes, before asking, "Why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?"

He replied, "So," he said proudly, "I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us.

2007-06-05 02:58:30 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm about as manly as they come. I have hair in all the right places. Muscles and somewhat of a sixpack. I drink beer, ride my motorcycle, hang with the guys, get in fights, shoot deer, play golf, and I act like I know the lady at the bank and always look down at her boobs until she notices me doing it, then I wink. So, I'm so manly, until one of my biker buds and some others were drinking beer and he noticed I held my mug with my pinky fully extended. He, at that moment, questioned my manhood. I defer to you.

2007-06-05 02:26:03 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

hit a car up the back end, a Dwarf got out, looked at the damage on his car and said "im not happy" to which i replied "well which one are you then !?"

2007-06-05 02:20:53 · 21 answers · asked by Red5 5

I want you to do a simple thing,, if you did it you will get 1 million$,
as we know the cube has 6 faces, now imagine a cube (not transparent), I want you to draw that cube in a way that i can see 4 sides of it, .. very simple do it.

2007-06-05 01:52:09 · 5 answers · asked by AMERO 1

THE PENIS WANTS A RAISE
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:
1--- I do physical labor.
2.-- I work at great depths.
3.-- I plunge head first into everything I do.
4.---I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5.---I work in a damp environment.
6. --I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7.-- I work in high temperatures.
8. --My work exposes me to diseases.

Reply: From Management

Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons:
1. --You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. --You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief work period.
3. --You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. --You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other locations.
5. --You do not take initiative -- you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6. --You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. --You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
8. --You will retire LONG before you are 65.
9. --You are unable to work double shifts.
10. --You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
11. - And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely, The Management


Five reasons not to be a penis:
1. ------You're bald your whole life.
2. ------You have a hole in your head.
3. ------Your neighbours are nuts.
4. ------The guy behind you is an asshole and...
5. ------Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint

2007-06-05 00:40:01 · 10 answers · asked by Because I Said So 7

2007-06-04 23:57:27 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-04 23:51:25 · 13 answers · asked by Aidan 1

Blonde Year in review


Now that it's getting close to the end of the year, I say we look back on past events. Here's what happened in my life.....

January
- Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
- Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March -
-Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April
- Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May -
-Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
- Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
- Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
-Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.

September
- Learned that the capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October
-Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
-Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December
- Couldn't call 9-11....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

What a year!! Anyone else wanna share their year?

2007-06-04 23:37:51 · 3 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

heres how it works,a snail is pronounced as s car go in french

there was this snail who went to the newsagency to enter the lottery.the cashier asks him if he has any money on him,the snail had nothing so he wrote the cashier a cheque(i dont no how he did it).the cashier asks him do u want any extras.the snail says''yes,i want an s painted on the roof of my house and car and windows.the cashier asks him''why do u want that?the snail replies so when ever im driving a car theyll say look at that s car go

2007-06-04 23:37:03 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying son of a b1tch. told you I was speeding, too!

2007-06-04 22:58:37 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

the answer is first you open the fridge, stuffed the elephant into it, then closed the fridge. now the elephant's there. my second riddle is, tarzan's having a birthday bash and he invited all of his animal friends to come over. everybody showed up except for one animal. who was it???

2007-06-04 22:26:24 · 14 answers · asked by rosary_way 1

>THE PENIS WANTS A RAISE
>
>
>I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
>reasons:
> >
> >1-------- I do physical labor.
> >
> >2.------- I work at great depths.
> >
> >3.------- I plunge head first into everything I do.
> >
> >4.------- I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
> >
> >5.--------I work in a damp environment.
> >
> >6. -------I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
> >
> >7.------- I work in high temperatures.
> >
> >8. -------My work exposes me to diseases.
> >
> >Reply:
> >
> >Dear Penis,
> >
> >After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
> >raised,
> >the management denies your request for the following reasons:
> >
> >1. ------You do not work 8 hours straight.
> >
> >2. ------You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief work
>
> >period.
> >
> >3. ------You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
> >
> >4. ------You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen
> >visiting other locations.
> >
> >5. ------You do not take initiative -- you need to be pressured and
> >stimulated in order to start working.
> >
> >6. ------You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
> >
> >7. ------You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
>
> >wearing the correct protective clothing.
> >
> >8. ------You will retire LONG before you are 65.
> >
> >9. ------You are unable to work double shifts.
> >
> >10. ------You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
>
> >completed the assigned task.
> >
> >11. ------And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen
> >entering
> >and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
> >
> >Sincerely, The Management
> >
> >
> >Five reasons not to be a penis:
> >
> >1. ------You're bald your whole life.
> >2. ------You have a hole in your head.
> >3. ------Your neighbors are nuts.
> >4. ------The guy behind you is an asshole and...
> >5. ------Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint

2007-06-04 22:13:41 · 41 answers · asked by Anonymous

P.S. hE WAS SAD WITH HIMSELF

2007-06-04 22:05:22 · 8 answers · asked by ♣♠_Ms Imperfect_07_♥♦ 2

Such questions often makes me puzzle. Therefore, I sincerly waiting to get answers.

2007-06-04 21:57:12 · 9 answers · asked by global 1

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always leaves early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette one day, "let's all go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss. She quietly sneaks out of the house without saying a word.
In the morning, the brunette says: "That was fun, we should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

2007-06-04 21:56:37 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous