jokes ppl..?

Question

who can tell me the best joke ever?....i promise 10 points...and a coffee if i'll ever meet him or her:D

Answer 1

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work.

Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.

When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
............................................................................................

A housewife takes a lover during the day,
while her husband is at work.
Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "£250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy
and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "I'll tell."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "£750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy,
"Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "£1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends
like that. That is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and
makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and
closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

Answer 2

I'll tell you three jokes.

1) A lady entered entered an art museum. She looked at something on a wall and thought it was the most ugliest thing she had ever seen.

She walked up to a person who worked in the museum and told him, "Sir, I think that is the most ugliest piece of art I've ever seen in my life!"

The man walked up to it and said, "Ma'am that's a mirror."

2) How do you stuff an elephant in a refrigerator?
You open the fridge, stuff the elephant in, then close the door.
How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator?
You open the fridge, take the elephant out, stuff the giraffe in, then close the door.
The Lion King held a meeting. One animal wasn't there. Which animal was it?
The giraffe because it was still in the refrigerator.
You have to cross a river where alligators live. The only way you can cross it is by swimming. How do you get across without getting eaten?
Just swim because the alligators are still in the meeting.

3) An old woman's grandmother told her that when she got married and was angry at his husband, she shouldn't take her anger out on him. She should make a doll to calm her down, and when she was on her deathbed, that's when she should show the dolls to him.
One day, the woman was dying, and asked her husband to take out the box she put the dolls in. She asked him to open it. Inside, he found two dolls and $95,000. He asked her why dolls were in there. She explained the thing her grandmother told her to him. The man was pleased because he thought she only got mad at him twice in their whole marriage. Then he asked about the money. The woman said that was the money she made selling other dolls.

Answer 3

Out of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best!
Football FINALLY makes sense..........
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pantsand all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand
why they were killing each other over 25 cents
"Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback!
Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!


Yo mama so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund.
Yo mama so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.
Yo mama so stupid that under "Education" on her job apllication, she put "Hooked on Phonics."
Yo mama so stupid she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house.
Yo mama so fat, when she puts on a gray sweater it becomes a cloudy day.
Yo mama's so ugly, when I took her to the zoo they said, "Thank you for bringing her back."
Yo mama so stupid she threw a rock at the floor and missed.
Yo mama so small, she needs a parachute to jump off a dime.
Yo mama's so fat, her type is Hostess!
Yo mama's so ugly they put her in a tinted incubator when she was born.
Yo mama is so old she owes Jesus a quarter.
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow she put the sun out of business.
Yo mama so ugly, when she fell off the ugly tree she hit every branch on the way down.
Yo mama so stupid she sold the car f oney.
Yo mama so ugly she turned Medusa to stone.
Yo mama's just like a squirrel, she always has a nut in her mouth.
Yo mama's like a TV, a 2 year old could turn her on.
Yo mama is so old, when I told her to act her age she died.
Yo mama's so ugly they taped "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower.

Answer 4

A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

Answer 5

Q:what do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligance,

Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted flakes.

Q:What do you call a room full of blondes that are on their periods and have yeast infections?
A: A wine and chese party.

Q:what do you call a blond with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant

Q: What does monica lewinski and a pop machine have in common?
A: They both say insert bill here.

Q:why did clinton play the saxiphone?
A: Because he couldn't reach his Harmonica

Q: how can you spot ronald McDonald on the beach?
A: He's the only one with Sesimee seeds buns.

Q: Why did dairy queen get pregnant?
A: because burger kind forgot to wrap its whopper.

Answer 6

What do u call a nun with a washing machine on her head?
Sister Matic.
What do u call a man with a seagull on his head? - Cliff
What do u call a man in a pile of leaves? - Russell.
What do u call a man in a brown paper envelope - Bill
How can u tell when there's an elephant under ur bed?
Ur nose touches the ceiling
Hope these help! I take my coffee white with 1 sugar

Answer 7

WOMEN ARE EVIL BY NATURE

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."




A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach In Tampa. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why. She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother: "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

Answer 8

Two green-horn soldier recruits were returning back to base after a morning drill exercise when they saw two grenades lying on the grass. They picked them up and continued onwards to base camp. Along the way, one of them asked his colleagues:
"What do you think will happen if one of them drops and explodes?"
"Nothing serious," the other replied. "We can always return with one and say we lost the other."

Answer 9

a pirate walks into a bar and the bartenders says "is that a steering wheel in your pants?" so the pirate says "aargh, its driving me nuts"

Answer 10

knock knock, whos there, tom cruse, tom crues who? tom cruse, the gay man that wont admitt it. DUH!!!!!!!! this deserves ten points. thamks