Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

2007-06-30 07:35:33 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

So, I went down to the patent office to register some of my new inventions. First, I took out my latest invention, a folding bottle.

The woman at the counter says "So what do you call it?"
"A fottle." I reply.

Next I take out my second invention, a folding carton. "I call it a farton."

At this, the woman chuckles to herself and says, "I can't register these, they don't make much sense and one sounds rather rude."

Outraged at this answer, I stormed out of the office without showing her my folding bucket.

2007-06-30 07:29:19 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

im not so sure

2007-06-30 07:25:44 · 8 answers · asked by bigsexydug 4

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell

where the Devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to

do here," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no

room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so

I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here

who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go,

but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide

who leaves."



George thought that sounded pretty good, deal so he

agreed. The devil opened the first room. In it was Ted

Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept resurfacing

over and over and over, gasping for air. Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a

good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."



The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair

with a hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing

the hammer, time after time after time, and more rocks

appeared. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I

would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks

all day!" commented George.



The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill

Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over

his head and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent

over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and

finally said,"Yeah, I could handle this."



The devil smiled and said... "Monica, you're free to go!"

2007-06-30 05:35:08 · 24 answers · asked by ROSIE 3

Cross the road? What in hell was she doing out of the kitchen?

2007-06-30 05:14:12 · 14 answers · asked by Smarter than the average bear 4

... a little puff and a lot of ruff here

2007-06-30 05:09:00 · 38 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day the Sultan decided to go on holiday.
Problem was, he had one favourite wife that he did not trust, he also had 300 hundred servants that he trusted even less.

To ease his worries, the sultan decided he would put a Rat Trap up inside his favourite wife.

The deed done, the sultan goes off on his holidays for a fortnight.

On his return, he lines all his man servants up and tells them to drop their trousers.

He walks along the line and sees that all but one of the servants have a small stump of a todger left.

He rants and raves and has all the servants (bar the one faithfull one) executed.
Then he turns to the servant and says
"One faithfull servant, ask for anything and it will be yours"

The servant replied "Umph argetd bartwen unflspgh"

2007-06-30 04:22:53 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man in a bar catches the bartender's attention and presents the following wager: "I'll bet you $20 I can bite my right eyeball." The bartender, who is keen to see this, agrees to the bet. The patron pulls his glass eye out and bites it. "Well, you got me" says the bartender, and heads to the till. "Wait," says the patron, "I'll give you a chance to get your money back. I'll bet you double or nothing I can bite my left eyeball." The bartender, thinking that the patron can't have two glass eyes, agrees to this. Whereupon the patron pulls out his dentures, and clasps them to his left eye. "All right," growls the bartender, "fool me twice..." Again, he heads for the cash register and again the patron stops him.
"Once more, double or nothing -- $80 says I take a piss from right here -- and fill that glass at the end of the bar without spilling a drop." This gives the bartender pause. The bar is about 20 feet long. 'No way' he thinks, and agrees to the wager. The patron proceeds to pull out his choad and piss with great force. Urine flies everywhere -- on the floor, on the bar, behind the bar, on other customers. The glass at the end of the bar remains dry. "BUWAHAHAHA!" bawls the bartender. "Lookit that -- not one drop in the glass! $80 -- pay up!" "That's alright," replies the patron. "I bet this other feller here $300 that I could piss all over your bar and you'd laugh at it."
...............
Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy here."
The bartender says, "You want both drinks now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?"
Rodney says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here." With that he pulls out a little 3 inch man from hispocket.
The bartender says, "Wow! And you mean to say he can drink that much?" "Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some," the man retorted. So the bartender poured the two shots.
Sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing," says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?" Rodney flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Al,go fetch that quarter." The little guy runs down to the end of
carlos agassi: the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back down and gives it to Rodney.
The bartender is totally amazed by this display. "That's amazing," he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks, "Talk? Sure he talks. Hey Al, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa on safari and you insulted that witch doctor!"

2007-06-30 04:19:38 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

where did the "dumb blondie " idea come from....who started it...how long has it been going around...a lot of blondies on yahoo answers take real offence...esp if its a blondie joke...i am married to a blondie and she would be the first one to say 'ah here we go again'....she is a great person and very intelligent so she cant figure why redheads or any other haircolor dont have fun poked at them....a star for the most original answer.....im dreading some of the answers hahaha

2007-06-30 04:10:07 · 15 answers · asked by josey 3

Complaining that when he breaks wind, the sound his backside makes sounds like "Honda"

The doctor cant fathom the problem so refers him to a specialist at the hospital.
The specialist at the hospital has no clue as to the problem but tells him to go see a little chinese man who works wonders.

So offf to see the little chinese man

"What is major pwoblem" says the chineseman
"Well when I break wind, the sound comes out like Honda"
"Please remove honourable trousers and let this humble person see pwoblem" says the chinaman

Having removed his trousers the chinaman inspects the aforementioned area.

"Ah so, I now see pwoblem" says chinaman.

"Bloody hell, that was quick, whats the matter with me?" says the patient.

"You have absses on backside, probably caused by loneliness" says chinaman.
"How can you tell that when all the doctots and specialists couldn't detect it?" says the patient

"Cause absses makes the fart go Honda" says the chinaman

2007-06-30 03:45:21 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

English is a crazy language.There's no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;neither apple nor pine in pineapple.English muffins weren't invented in England or french fries in France.Sweetmeats are tofees while sweetbreads,which aren't sweet are meat.
We take english for granted but if we explore its paradoxes,we fing that quicksand can work slowly
boxing rings are square
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea or a pig.
if the plural of tooth is teeth,y isnt the plural of booth beeth?
one goose,two geese.so one mouse two meese?
one index,two indices?


English was invented by people, not computers,and it reflects the creativity of the human race(which,of course isn't a race at all)!

2007-06-30 03:43:12 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Penfold told me it's an Ethiopian Chicken, but I don't know if I can trust him... I suspect he's f * c k ing with me.

2007-06-30 03:39:26 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Charlie and his wife Ruth went to the state fair every year. Every year Charlie would say, "Ruth, i'd like to ride in that airplane."

Ruth would always reply, "I know Charlie, but that airplane ride costs £25, and £25 is £25."

One particular year Charlie and Ruth went to the fair and Charlie said, "Ruth, i'm 80 years old. If i don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance."

Ruth replied,"Charlie, that airplane costs £25, and £25 is £25."

The airplane pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, i'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you do say a word it's £25."

Charle and Ruth agreed and off they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns and rolls and dives to try and earn his £25, but not one word was heard. He did all his tricks over and over again, but still no word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Charlie and said,

2007-06-30 03:20:04 · 15 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

Waiting to sign on at the job centre.

Brian the jobseekers Interviewer says to Irishman
Q- "Name?"
A- "McCoy
Q- "Occupation?"
A- "Puff"
Q- "Explain please?"
A- "I worked at a balloon factory blowing up and testing balloons"

Interviewer syays to Scotsman

Q- "Name Please?"
A- "McCoy"
Q- "Occupation?"
A- "Puff"
Q- "Did you work at the balloon factory?"
A- "No. I worked at the candle factory, lighting up and blowing out candles to test them"

Interviewer says to cockney-
Q- "Name please?"
A- "McCoy"
Q- "Occupation?"
A- "Puff"
Q- "Did you work at the balloon factory?"
A- "No"
Q- "Did you work at the candle factory?"
A- "No sweetie, I'm the real McCoy

2007-06-30 03:07:20 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

I just came second in a strawberry crushing competion, A woman with no legs won me.... jammy c*nt

hehe

2007-06-30 03:04:29 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two men decide to go to a fancy dress party dressed as a cow.

Taking a short cut across a field, harry in the front of the cow hears a noise and says to fred in the back end -
"Hey Fred, there's a bull charging towards us"
"What are we gonna do?" says Fred
Harry says "Well I'm gonna nibble some grass, you'd better brace yourself!"

2007-06-30 02:46:10 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A horse is tied to a 10 meter rope in front of an old saloon. 11 meters behind the horse is a bale of hay. Without breaking his rope, the horse is able to eat the hay whenever he chooses. How is this possible?

2007-06-30 02:42:01 · 24 answers · asked by Mary S 2

A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...N...


One day, a blonde went to a ventriloquist show. During the show, the ventriloquist used his "dummy" to make fun of blondes. The crowd roared with laughter, but the blonde was angry.
Outraged, she stood up and said, "How dare you make fun of blondes!"
The ventriloquist replied saying, "Madam, I'm very sorry. But it's just part of the act."
The blonde screamed, "You shutup! I'm talking to the little man on your knee!"

or my favorite

A blonde was going on a plane trip to New York. When the attendant came by and asked for her ticket, she told the blonde,"I'm sorry. Your ticket isn't for first class. Could you please move to your seat." The blonde replied,"Im blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York." The attendant said,"That's fine miss, but you'll have to go to your seat." The blonde responded again, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."
This conversation continued, always with the blonde's same response. The attendant got so upset that she went to the captain and told him about the blonde. The captain went and whispered something in the blonde's ear and the blonde immeadiately got up and went to her seat in coach.
The attendant asked the captain how he got the stubborn blonde to move. He said, "I just told her that this part of the plane wasn't going to New York."

2007-06-30 02:36:47 · 11 answers · asked by ? 2

I'm sure you could imagine,
It's as simple as can be,
The place is very common
the place for he and she.
she whispers, "will it hurt?"
"or course not", he replied,
it won't hurt a bit
on me you can rely.
I'm getting rather frightened,
I've never done this before.
He continued to convince her
as he shut the door.
Now calm yourself my darling,
as he displayed a little grin.
Just open a little wider
and let me put it in.
It's getting rather painful
the tears were in her eyes.
It's hurting very badly
it must be quite a size.
Suddenly she jumped up
and gave a little shout
and then that very minute
she said, "I'm glad you pulled it out!"
..
..

..
If you listen very carefully,
It's a dentist you will find.
It's not what your thinking,
It's just your dirty mind!

2007-06-30 02:25:46 · 10 answers · asked by ? 2

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your @ss in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it's like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.

2007-06-30 02:24:04 · 16 answers · asked by bilbo b 4

A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by
a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the
door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!
He slams the door and returns to bed.

Who was that?" asked his wife.
Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
Did you help him? She asks
No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you
remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and
those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.



He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband

"Over here on the swing!", replies the drunk.

2007-06-30 02:18:53 · 10 answers · asked by ? 2

As back up, Pan would have the Lost Boys and Jackson would have his flying monkeys.

2007-06-30 01:30:21 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man lies dead in the desert, 200 miles in each direction from the nearest water.
He is fully clothed and no one else within sight
At his side is a package which, if he had opened it would have kept him alive.
Why did the man die
What was in the package


10 points for first correct answer

2007-06-30 01:02:35 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

On board a ship decide to mutiny.

The captain captures the three of them and sentences them to 50 lashes.

"Grab that Englishman and tie him to the mast" says the captain.
"Do you want anything on your back before punishment " says the captain
"Vaseline please" says the Englishman.
Receives his 50 lashes, is cut down and carried away unconcious.

"Grab that Scotsman" says the captain.
"Do you want anything on your back before receiving punishment" Says the captain.
"No, and you can kiss my ar-se" says the Scotsman.
The punishment is carried out and the Scotsman is cut free.
He promptly walks off with two fingers in the air.

"Grab the Irishman" says the captain.
"Do you want anything on your back before punishment" says the captain.
"The Scotsman" says paddy

2007-06-30 00:50:54 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby photographer came by half an hour later, hoping to make a sale. Mrs. Jacobs answered the door. 'Good morning, ma'am. You don't know me, but I've come to...' 'Oh yes, I know why you're here. Harry told me you'd be coming soon.' 'He did? But I...' 'Come right in! No use wasting time .' 'Very well, then.'

The photographer took out his briefcase and sat down. 'As you may already know, I've made a specialty of babies.' 'Good, I'm glad,' said Mrs. Jacobs. 'That's just what Harry and I were looking for.'

'I usually like to try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed,' said the photographer. 'The living room floor is fun too...you can really spread out.' 'Bathtub? Living room floor? No wonder it never worked for Harry and me.' 'Well, ma'am, none of us can guarantee a perfect one every time, but if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I think you'll be quite pleased with the results.'

'I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly,' Mrs. Jacobs gasped nervously. 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man must take his time. I'd like to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.' 'Don't I know!' said Mrs. Jacobs.

The photographer pulled out a portfolio of his pictures. 'This one was done on top of a bus in downtown London,' he said, showing Mrs. Jacobs the picture. 'Oh my God!' exclaimed Mrs. Jacobs, tugging on her handkerchief.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with.' He showed Mrs. Jacobs another picture. 'She was difficult?' questioned Mrs. Jacobs. 'Extremely,' said the photographer. 'I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around, four and five deep, just to get a good look.' 'Four and five deep!' Mrs. Jacobs was amazed. 'Yes,' said the photographer. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then, it started getting dark and I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels started nibbling on my equipment. I just packed it all in.'

Mrs. Jacobs leaned forward. 'You mean the squirrels actually chewed on your, um...equipment?' 'Yes, ma'am. Thank God, no real damage was done.

Well, we'll get to work as soon as I set up my tripod.'

'Tripod? ' Mrs. Jacobs looked extremely worried now.

'Of course. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much to big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Ma'am...ma'am...good God, she's fainted!'

2007-06-29 23:46:24 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

does not matter if it involves a group.....its got to be gud!!!

2007-06-29 22:59:01 · 6 answers · asked by kate 1

an atheist was walking through the woods one day..
then suddenly he spotted a hungry looking 7foot grizzly bear, when he ran the grizzly chased him, but there was a cliff up ahead. he was trapped. when the grizzly was about to smack him with it`s paws, thunder clapped, and everything froze except for the atheist..then a loud voice from heaven was heard and God spoke: "You denied my existence for so many years, you formulated that the universe was formed out of a cosmic collision, you do things that are against me, and you question my sovereignity..do you think i would spare your life?"
the atheist, feeling he was wrong, said "okay, okay, im sorry for that! but can you at least make the bear a christian?"

"granted" God said, and with that, everything unfroze..the atheist feeling relieved..

the bear, put his paw bowed his head, and put his hands together and prayed "dear god, thank you for this meal you are about to give me. amen."

2007-06-29 22:29:06 · 8 answers · asked by trustmeimanurse! 5

2007-06-29 22:22:29 · 15 answers · asked by omnisource 6

2007-06-29 22:02:21 · 9 answers · asked by smokesha 3

one foggy midnight as billy was driving home from the forest, his car died in the middle of nowhere. he got out and checked what was up, upon opening the hood, he saw that everything was okay,& his gas was still half full. he had goose bumps as the chilly wind blew. then suddenly, an old hermit with a long graying beard appeared near an old willow tree behind his car.

the hermit approached billy and told him to buy the book he was holding for $100

billy said it was too expensive but then the chilly wind blew even harder..so he bought it..before leaving the hermit said "never ever open the last page of this book or else you will regret it!" with that the hermit disappeared

billy got in his car and suddenly, the car started...billy was weirded out but he went home..

at home,billy couldn`t sleep, he kept on wondering what was on the last page of the book..after an hour of thinking he couldnt take it anymore so he flicked to the last page, and there it read:
"BOOK SALE $0.75"

2007-06-29 21:49:39 · 5 answers · asked by trustmeimanurse! 5