Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

A woman shoots her husband.
Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes.
Finally, she hangs him.
But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together.

How can this be?

2007-06-29 21:45:11 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Detective Brown had just gotten a murder case on Sunday, January 5th, 2001 after Mr. Johnson had been shot in his Malibu home. He interviewed everyone who was at the house that day, and this is what they said;

Mrs. Johnson, "I was outside watering the bushes. I was no where near him when he got shot.
Billy Johnson (son), "I was at a friend's house.
Maid, "I was getting the mail.
Chef, "I was preparing lunch.
Butler, "I was walking the dog.

Instantly Detective Brown knew who the murderer was, and arrested them on the spot. Who was it, and how did the dective find out so quickly?

2007-06-29 21:33:58 · 14 answers · asked by Skye 2

What happened in 1961 that will not happen again for over 4000 years?

Again, I will post the answer tonight 9pm (UK) unless someone comes up with the right answer.

2007-06-29 19:40:40 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

mom calls the husband a 'bastard'

and then the dad calls the wife a "*****"


and billy goes to his mom and says "mom what's a ***** and a bastard?"

and the mom says "well, a ***** is a lady and a bastard is a gentlemen"




and then later billy goes outside and listens to his neighbors, and hears "Put your penis in my vagina!"


So Billy goes to his mom and says "mom whats a penis and vagina?"



His moms says "Well Billy, a penis is a hat and a vagina is a coat"

and then later billy sees his dad shaving and cuts himself and says "sh!t"


and billy said "Dad, whats sh!t"

And then his dad says
"Well billy, sh!t is a type of Shaving cream "


and then billy goes to see his mom cutting the turkey and his mom cuts her finger and says "f*ck!"


and then billy says to his mom "Mom whats f*ck?"

"Well billy f*ck is a way of cutting the turkey"

and Then later the guests arrive and billy goes to them and says

2007-06-29 19:39:44 · 5 answers · asked by I Love You.....♪♫♪ 3

Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate Of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
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Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.
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Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was A actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds Like he was sort of busy too.
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The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.
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Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock hich is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a ramatic decline.
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In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV now.
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Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."
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Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems.
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Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen," As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.
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It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
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Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented Cigarettes and started smoking.
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Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.
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The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
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Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He Wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.
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Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by Rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
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Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he w as born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
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On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got Shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
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Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
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Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
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The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
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Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
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Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.
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Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.
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Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she id. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.
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Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess.

2007-06-29 19:37:02 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bigest prank you can ever imagine. I already did where you put one finger down and put ketchup on it and pretend you dropped the knife on it. He fell for it. Help need more pranks to scare him!!!!

2007-06-29 17:38:33 · 13 answers · asked by ATLANTA FALCONS 2

What four letter frighten a thief?

2007-06-29 16:26:53 · 12 answers · asked by pur4 HeARt3d 3

One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a
classroom. The teacher was going to explain
evolution to the children. The teacher asked
a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree
outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass
outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see
if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes
later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God up there?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see
God because he isn't there. Possibly he just
doesn't exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the
boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked
the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass
outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we
were taught today in school, she possibly
may not even have one!

2007-06-29 14:21:32 · 35 answers · asked by Draco Malfoy 3

A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out screaming, as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was,and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant!?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

2007-06-29 13:27:42 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

HOLY SOAP

> >Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They

> >undress and step into the showers before they realize there

> >is NO SOAP. Father John says he has soap in his room and

> >goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

> >He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back

> >to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees

> >three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he

> >stands against the wall and FREEZES like he's a STATUE.

> >The nuns stop and comment on how "life-like" he looks. The

> >first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.

> >Startled, he drops a bar of soap!

> >"Oh look," says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".

> >To test her theory, the second nun also pulls on his

> >manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

> >Now the third nun decides to have a g o.

> >She pulls once, Then twice and three times but nothing

> >happens. So she gives several more tugs.....then yells,

> >"Holy Mary, Mother of God, hand-lotion too!"

2007-06-29 13:18:38 · 21 answers · asked by raybbies 5

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says,

'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt,

2007-06-29 13:08:33 · 16 answers · asked by Ms. Smith 3

A businessman from New York is driving through Mississippi on his way home for Christmas. He stops at a local store and notices the three wise men out front are dressed like firefighters. While inside, the man asks the clerk about it.

“You city folk think you know everything,” says the clerk as he reaches for his Bible. “But it says right here that the three wise men came from afar.”

2007-06-29 12:53:27 · 8 answers · asked by Ms. Smith 3

Those who can count, and those who can't.

2007-06-29 12:42:24 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment, but never in a thousand years?

2007-06-29 12:38:10 · 13 answers · asked by Ms. Smith 3

Bob !

2007-06-29 12:34:54 · 34 answers · asked by Crackerjack 3

tell me about u and dont u think this funny and if u do text me at tayannapurnell@yahoo.com and yo mamma so black she drink water and pee out coffee.

2007-06-29 12:33:49 · 11 answers · asked by tayanna 2

A Fottle and a Farton

I went to the US Patent Office trying to register some
of my inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in
and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be
filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then
asked me what I had invented.
I said, "A folding bottle."
She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"
"A Fottle."
"What else do you have?"
"A folding carton."
"What do you call it?"
"A Farton."
She snickered and said, "Those are silly names for
products and one of them sounds kind of crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form
and left the office without even telling her about my
folding bucket.

2007-06-29 12:18:42 · 38 answers · asked by Jenae, TV (tempter of the vile) 5

A blonde is driving along on a desert road when she notices a blonde woman standing on a large boat among the cactus and brush. Pulling over near it she stomps over to the side of the road and hollers at the woman.

"What are you doing?! This is the desert! You can't sail that out here. It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name. . . and if it wasn't for the fact that I CAN'T SWIM, I'd come out there and kick your butt!"

2007-06-29 11:57:03 · 9 answers · asked by Kat H 2

How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.

Why is a woman like a Kentucky fried chicken meal?
By the time you've finished with the breasts and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

A little boy walks in on his parents in the middle of a romantic interludeand asks if he can hop on his daddy's back. The father doesn't see any harm, so he agrees, and they continue. When things started to really heat up the little boy leaned down and whispered in his father's ear, "Hold on tight, daddy, this is usually where me and the postman get bucked off."

Two men were changing in the locker room after a game of tennis. One notices the other one is putting on pair of stockings and suspenders. He says "When did you start wearing them?" To which the other man replies "Since my wife found a pair on the back seat of the car."

2007-06-29 11:28:21 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

How can you tell a blonde is having a bad day?
When she has a tampon behind her ear and can't find her pencil

What do Viagra And Disney Land have in common?
They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!!

Q: Why do woman get their belly buttons pierced?
A: So they have a place to hang an air freshener!

Last winter I was laid up at home with the flu. My fiancee' called and volunteered to come over and fix dinner and play nursemaid to me. I declined, not wanting to pass on the flu to her. "Okay honey", she told me, "Will wait till after we get married. Then we can spend the rest ofour lives making each other sick!"

Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.

Did you hear about the Blind man that went Bunjee jumping?
Scared the hell out of the dog.

2007-06-29 11:22:52 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

All mod cons there-including a heated hydrotherapy pool,
while walking around the pool Albert falls in-Maud dives in and saves him-3 hours later Maud is called into Matrons office:
Matron-"we have some good news and some bad news"-Good news is you will be released-you showed presence of mind and lucidity by saving Albert-Bad news is he is dead-we found him hanging in his wardrobe".
Maud-"oh no i just hung him there to dry" !! xx

2007-06-29 11:18:50 · 10 answers · asked by SUZANNE R 7

Well actually it's 10 point's for the best thought lol :)

2007-06-29 11:14:21 · 47 answers · asked by ? 7

A genuine anteater, the shopkeeper told my dad.
Turned out to be an aunteater, and now my uncle's mad.

2007-06-29 11:00:46 · 8 answers · asked by SST 6

Bert and Mable are in an OAP home. Bert says ''I'm leaving you for Ivy cos she holds my w***y all night''.

Mable says ''but so do I''

Bert says ''yes but she's got parkinsons''

2007-06-29 10:58:13 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

What are the only five sports/games in the world that are played with nets but no balls!!!!!!!!
1)------
2)------
3)------
4)------
5)------

2007-06-29 10:56:52 · 10 answers · asked by SIR TJM 5

A blonde's car gets a flat tyre on the motorway one day. So she eases it on the hard shoulder.

She carefully steps out of the car and opens the boot. She then takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers....

Not surprisingly, the traffic became congested and backed up for miles. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.

The officer, clearly angered, approaches the blonde of the broken down car yelling, "What's going on here?"

"My car's broken down, Mr officer," says the blonde calmly.

"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard cutouts here by the road? asks the policeman.

"Er hellllooooooooo! those are my emergency flashers!" she replies.

2007-06-29 10:50:45 · 25 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..." "Oh, no need to explain,"Mrs. Smith cut in embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat". After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

2007-06-29 10:27:53 · 11 answers · asked by kcbertram07102005 1

One day a boy walked in on his mom just coming out of the shower. He pointed at his mom's p**sy and asked "What's that mommy?" The mother, not wanting to explain the sex organs in it's entirety, merely says "That's my sponge." The boy, contented with this answer, turned and left the room.

A few days later, the boy again walks in on his mom, just coming out of the shower, except this time she has shaved herself from head to toe. "Where's your sponge mommy?" he asked. The mom says "Oh I lost it." The boy, again satisfied, leaves the room.

A short time later the boy runs into the room again and exclaims. "Mommy! Mommy! I found your sponge! Mrs. Wilson next door is washing Daddy's face with it!"

2007-06-29 10:25:18 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

bloke goes to GP cos his willy is bright orange, doc is a bit flumoxed, he asks if patient has a family history of this complaint, no, says man, doc says well perhaps you work with chemicals?, no says man I am unemployed, right says doc, what do you do all day then.........watch porn and eat wotsits

2007-06-29 10:19:59 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

A teacher was taking his class of 12 year olds, and he asks them "Can anyone tell me what part of the body increases to 10 times it's normal size when stimulated?"

There is silence from the class, so he asks the question again. One little girl called Susie stands up and says, "You shouldn't be asking questions like that to your class. I think it's very horrible and i'm telling my parents who will tell the headmaster and will have you fired!"

The teacher ignores her and carries on, "Can anyone tell me the answer?"

One boy, Mark, raises his hand and says, "The part of the body that increases to 10 times it size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

"Very good Mark," the teacher replies. He then turns to Susie and says,"I only have three things to say to you young lady. One, you have a dirty mind. Two, if you did your homework you would have known the answer, and three, one day you're going to be very very disappointed!"

2007-06-29 10:06:40 · 25 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5