Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

"I've just had my annual check-up & the doctor says I've the breasts of an 18 year old!"
"Yeah?" replies the bloke. "And what did he say about your 45 year old ar*e?"

"Oh, he didn't mention you, dear."

2007-06-27 13:38:59 · 15 answers · asked by funnygirl 4

During a jury selection process, the first lawyer began his questioning as an intimidating showman. He looked over the prospective jurors and asked, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?"

Before the pause became too long, the judge said, "I do."

2007-06-27 13:38:24 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sadie is walking along the beach one day finds a bottle. She rubs it and, sure enough, out popped a genie.

"I will grant you three wishes," said the genie. "But there is a catch."

"What catch?" Sadie asked.

The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, your husband Maurice will receive double the wish you were granted."

"Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated Sadie.

"What is your first wish?" asked the genie.

"Well, I've always wanted a Mercedes Benz!" POOF! A Mercedes Benz appeared in front of the woman.

"Don't forget, now your husband Maurice has TWO Mercedes Benz," said the genie.

"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my Mercedes," replied the woman.

"Next wish? I'd love a million pounds," says Sadie. POOF! One million pounds appeared at her feet.

"Don't forget, now your husband Maurice has TWO million pounds," said the genie.

"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my million," replied the woman.

"What is your third and final wish?"

The woman thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate one of my kidneys!"

2007-06-27 13:36:35 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

how come when babies are born they dont comem out of a man??? that's because they are too stupid to carry them lol!!! But anyway thats why the animal didnt have any milk to chan ge their diaper with.

2007-06-27 13:07:38 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

To make it stand, you wet it !.

To make it wet, you suck it !

To make it stiff, you lick it !

To get it in, you push !






















Threading a needle when you're older is NO JOKE !

2007-06-27 10:50:18 · 5 answers · asked by sniffels323 5

A son takes his father to the retirement home. Grandad doesn't want to go, but the family insists he has to go.

On the first night, Grandad is settling in when a gorgeous nurse enters and tucks him in. Grandad gets an erection, she sees this and climbs aboard.

The next morning Grandad calls his son and tells him he's changed his mind. Now he likes the retirement home.

The next night Grandad is heading for bed when he trips and falls face first on the floor. A big male orderly sees him, drops his pants and has Grandad right there and then.

The next morning, Grandad calls his son and tells him he no longer likes the retirement home.

"But yesterday you told me you loved it there...." says the son.

"Yes, but you don't understand. I only get an erection once a month, but I fall down nearly every day!"

2007-06-27 10:41:27 · 21 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.

2007-06-27 10:41:18 · 6 answers · asked by shiree 2

Do you guys like this joke. Someone told me it today. It is a blonde joke so I hope I don't offend anyone:
There was four blondes in a car on the way to Disney World and they saw a sign that said Disney world left (with an arrow pointing left) so they said "Darn" and turned around and went home....... I personally think it was pretty corny. How about you?

2007-06-27 10:27:36 · 14 answers · asked by Heather B 3

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, i'm getting married this weekend and my fiancee thinks i'm a virgin, is there anything you can do to help me?"

After the doctor stopped laughing, he says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try...on the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh, when your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."

The woman loves the idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.

Things begin to happen, her hubby slips it in, she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby asks, "What the feck was that?"

The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping."

2007-06-27 10:07:49 · 22 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.

However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

2007-06-27 09:55:41 · 18 answers · asked by ? 5

I had once received a forward in my email that was of a disgruntled employee taking his phone receiver and slamming it down into some bubble wrap...it was HILLARIOUS. If anyone knows where I can find this email again and let me know it would be greatly appreciated!!

2007-06-27 09:39:05 · 2 answers · asked by Sarah P 3

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy
steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man "Where's the guy who owns this
place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

2007-06-27 09:30:38 · 10 answers · asked by passionatemilf 2

A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal,
and even the accelerator!" she cries. The 911 dispatcher says,
"Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes."

Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911
dispatcher's telephone rings a second time, and the same
blonde is on the line again. "Never mind," giggles the blonde,
"I was in the back seat!"

2007-06-27 09:25:15 · 14 answers · asked by maroon5fan328 3

There were three guys named dick, kenny, and hairy.The 3 guys were on top of a building while they were talkin.A geenie apears and tells them to jump off the buiding and name an animal and then they will turn into that animal.The 3 guys agreed.Dick jumped off first and said eagle, he turned into an eagle and flew away.Hairy was next and said tiger, he turned into a tiger and landed on his feet.kenny was next and said Hairy, Dick, wait up up.Can you imagine what kenny turned into.Well let me tell you,He turned into a hairy dick...lol...star if you laughed plz

2007-06-27 09:12:16 · 30 answers · asked by Badtink95 1

a man was sunbathing naked at the beach, with nothing but a hat over his penis. A woman came by and said "if you were any kind of gentleman, you would lift yor hat to me". The man replied "if you were any kind of woman, the hat would lift itself..."

2007-06-27 08:34:18 · 7 answers · asked by freakokalam 2

A plane crashed and 3 guys survived. They crashed on an island full of cannibals though. They cheif came and the 3 men shouted "PLEASE DON'T EAT US!!!" The cheif said "okay but you have to pass our test, remember we do not laugh if you laugh we will chop off your head and eat you, if you fail the test we will do the same." The first part of the test is go into the forest and find a fruit any fruit and come back here." About a hour later a guy comes back he brought grapes. The cheif said "okay the second part is to shove it up you butt hole." The guy says "easy enough" and he does it. The chief says " okay you may leave but I suggest you wait for your friends." So they waited. Then the other guy came with a banana and the cheif told him the test. It was harder then the first guy but he got it. Then they waited for the third guy. When he came he was holding a jackfruit. The other two guys laughed so they got their heads chopped off. The third guy couldn't get the jackfruit in so he died

2007-06-27 08:07:05 · 20 answers · asked by Baby Bunni 2

This married couple was on holiday in India. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they
passed this small sandalshop.

From inside they heard a gentleman with an Indian accent say, "You
foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in.

The Indian man said to them "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like great
desert camel."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need
them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Indian man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his
feet, he got this wild look in his eyes,something his wife hadn't seen in many years-raw sexual power!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Indian man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Indian's thighs.

The Indian then began screaming, "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-06-27 07:58:16 · 13 answers · asked by Milk Man 4

To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation.

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: "Rye...Roon sirbees...morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"

G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

G: "What?"

RS: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

G: "I don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!... Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bodder?"

G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter... just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Excuse me?"

RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"

G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy...rye??"

G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."

G: "You're very welcome."

2007-06-27 07:52:08 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, John decided to invite over his mother for dinner with him and his roommate, Julie. Julie made a great dinner, but John's mother started to suspect more than friendship. The next day, Julie told John that the soup ladle was missing. This is the letter he wrote to his mother:

Dear Ma,
I'm not saying you did take the soup ladle, but I'm not saying you didn't. But the fact remains, It's missing.
Love,
John

This was her response...

Dear John,
I'm not saying you did sleep with Julie, But I'm not saying you didn't. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found it by now.
Love,
Mom

2007-06-27 06:36:07 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Joey was a great guy with wonderful qualities except for unbelievably stinky feet. Sharon was a fabulous gal with everything going for her except her terrible breath. Because of these qualities neither dared to date anyone.

When they met, however, they knew they were right for each other. As the relationship grew neither could reveal their embarrassing features to each other. When Joey wanted to kiss her, Sharon would decline. Sharon would want to take long walks on the beach but Joey would refuse.

Later they decided to get married and in their hotel room the moment that comes to all newlyweds had arrived. Sharon decided to reveal her secret and said' "Joey there is something I must tell you. I..."

and Joey interrupted, "I know, you ate my socks"

2007-06-27 06:27:52 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mick says to murphy, "What have you got in that sack"?
Murphy says "Chickens"
Mick says "If I can guess how many, will you give me one?
Murphy says "If you guess right you can have both of them.
Mick says "Four."

2007-06-27 05:50:46 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."

So they went home.

2007-06-27 05:47:24 · 30 answers · asked by :)☮♥ 3

There was once a guy who went to the dentist's office for a check-up. As the dentist was examining the guy's mouth, he paused.
"Excuse me, sir," said the dentist."Have you by any chance performed or*l sex some time today?"
Astonished, the patient then grinned and said,"Why, yes, I have, Doctor! How do you know? Is there a pubic hair stuck in my teeth or something?"
"No," said the dentist. "There's sh*t in your beard!"

2007-06-27 05:41:08 · 8 answers · asked by tangerine 7

Ask Melinda, and she will tell you the truth behind it. What do you think???

2007-06-27 05:37:51 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married
again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST
NOT RUN AROUND ON ME & MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! ALL APPLICANTS
PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she
opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a
wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are
you? Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any arms either!" Again, the old man
smiled,"Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in
bed???"


The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "Rang the
doorbell,didn't I?"

2007-06-27 05:35:34 · 21 answers · asked by xx glad to be ere xx 3

It goes in dry
and comes out wet.
The longer it's in,
The stronger it gets.
When it comes out
it drips an sags.
what is it??

2007-06-27 05:32:05 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you think."
One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong."
Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong.
So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"
The old man said: "I thought it was GAS........... but I was wrong

2007-06-27 04:20:45 · 22 answers · asked by Dannie 5

For all those men who say,
"Why Buy a Cow When You Can Get The Milk For Free."

Here's an update for you;

Nowaday 80% of Women A re Against Marriage. Why?

Because Women Realise It's Not Worth Buying An Entire Pig, Just To Get A Little Sausage!

2007-06-27 04:17:22 · 18 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

A nice, calm and respectable woman went into a pharmacy, looked the pharmacist straight in his eyes & said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The woman replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! My license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen! No! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, Well, now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

2007-06-27 04:04:39 · 24 answers · asked by legend 3

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After awhile he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. "
"First, you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next, you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in you mouth, and finally, you drink the lime juice." So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK? Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it .... In one second the sharp lime taste hits .... At two seconds the Baileys curdles .... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says,Jesus, what do you call that drink?" She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow*Job"

2007-06-27 03:46:30 · 15 answers · asked by Dannie 5