Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

Heres another for your collection....This blonde really wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.Suddenly---from the sky---a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from theheavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, even louder: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER!"

2007-06-26 04:47:03 · 15 answers · asked by vijay 4

emmmm.......is it normal to laugh when someone tells me a joke..i hav been suffering wid this problem frm very my young age ..plss be serious no illegal answers..........hope u understand me..........hav a nice day .........byeeeee

2007-06-26 04:30:23 · 6 answers · asked by nothing special 3

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four
years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade.

When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love.

Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend,
she wanted to get him off her back. So, what she did is this:
she took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's
unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note
reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."

Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to HER parents.

2007-06-26 04:26:29 · 25 answers · asked by bilbo b 4

My nookie days are over
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord
From my trousers it would spring
But now I've got a full-time job
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes.

2007-06-26 04:23:32 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

2007-06-26 04:21:59 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My breasts are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!

2007-06-26 04:19:46 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A husband a wife made a bet to see who could go the longest without talking to each other.
They went about passing notes and using hand signals to communicate.
The next morning the husband was leaving for his business trip and wrote his wife a note asking her to wake him up at 5:00.
He knew she would cave by talking to him and telling him to wake up.
But the next morning he woke up on his own to realize it was 10:00.
He franticlly jumped out of bed to find a note on his pillow saying.
Good Morning,
It's 5:00 time to get up
You didn't think i was actually gonna talk did ya?
See you in a week.
Your loving wife!!!..

2007-06-26 04:12:04 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-26 04:08:38 · 33 answers · asked by shell 5

Usually everyone who has a dog would call the dog Rover or something. I call mine "Sex". Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew HOW embarrassing until one day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A police officer came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I was looking for Sex."

My court case comes up next Thursday.

One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too!" When I said "But this is a dog," he said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was two years old."

He replied, "You must have been a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding.

2007-06-26 03:54:35 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

Has to work hard
Has to work at great depths
Has to work upside down
Has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work
Has to work in a high humidity environment
Has to work at high temperatures
Does not get weekends and holidays off
Does not get time off after extra hours of work
Has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness

Request denied for the following reasons:

Does not work 8 hours in a row
Does not answer immediately to all requests
After a short activity period, falls asleep at work
Shows no fidelity to the workplace
Retires too early
Does not work at all unless pushed from behind
Does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work
Sometimes leaves work, too early

2007-06-26 03:53:48 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

IF it takes a week to walk a fortnight, how many apples will you get out of a barrel of grapes??

haha

2007-06-26 03:51:45 · 26 answers · asked by emmie 2

A very rich women wanted to get something for her very rich husband, the problem is that he had everything he needed,

so she searched all over the city for something to get her husband. She then found this pet shop, she went in and asked for something the most unuasly animal, he then brought out this little ball of fluff about the size of her head, he then said

this creature is called the klafooma and if you say klaffooma and an object it will imediatly rip up that object and destry it completly, ok lets have a look "kllafooma newspaper" it get up and rip and destroys the paper, 10 seconds later there is no paper

"he'll love it pack it up for me"

She goes home to give the gift to her husband, she open the box and says that this creatrure is kllafooma

"kllafooma my ar se

2007-06-26 03:49:46 · 12 answers · asked by Kemodo 344™ 3

A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened.

"The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron."

"What about the other one?"

"They called back."

2007-06-26 03:42:01 · 13 answers · asked by Jessica 4

Once upon a time there was a blonde with long hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible.


She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheepherder over. "That's a nice flock of sheep.", she said.

"Well thank you.", said the herder.

"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you.", said the woman.

"Okay.", replied the herder.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?", asked the woman.

"Sure.", said the sheepherder.

So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, "382".

"Wow.", said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Upon watching this, the herder approached the woman and offered, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".

"What is it?", queried the woman. "If I can guess the real color of your hair... can I have my dog back?"

2007-06-26 03:39:08 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-26 03:36:33 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

How come we choose from just two people to run for
president and over fifty for Miss America ?

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

Wouldn't you know it....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.





And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

2007-06-26 03:30:02 · 6 answers · asked by nothing 5

A young farm lad from North Iowa goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at Iowa State that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course. So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

2007-06-26 03:29:20 · 7 answers · asked by YouWishYouWereMe 5

MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.

The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well... where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.

The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm... It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.

2007-06-26 03:19:53 · 17 answers · asked by Ms Medieval 7

Because God adds them the time that they wasted on parking.

2007-06-26 03:18:47 · 5 answers · asked by in bed with Jesus 3

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.

One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

2007-06-26 03:15:14 · 14 answers · asked by Ms Medieval 7

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments then asked...
"How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts!"

2007-06-26 03:10:44 · 5 answers · asked by Kev 2

You have a container of grapes, a container of olives, and a container of grapes and olives. All three containers are mislabeled. What is the minimum number of tastings required to identify all three containers, and what order would you choose? Assume that you have no other clues, such as smelling or looking in the containers. Also, only one grape or olive is withdrawn for tasting.

2007-06-26 03:03:02 · 14 answers · asked by Jeff 3

Because I cant!! I just answered a Q about the word GRANDMASTER. It reminded me of a joke I heard years ago called The Grandmaster of Wit and Repartee. It was very funny but I just cant remember for the life of me how it goes! Anyone know it????

2007-06-26 03:00:03 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

How about this one? "What do you call a murderer who tells a joke and then gets executed?"

Answer: "Dead."

HAHAHAHA!

2007-06-26 02:30:46 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

You're sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of Wheaties, your mistress is on the cover of Irish Teens Magazine, and your wife is on the back of the milk carton.

2007-06-26 02:22:35 · 16 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

2007-06-26 02:19:36 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

So this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me two single whiskies"

"Sure" the bartender replies, "do you want them both now or one at a time?"

"Oh, both now" replies the guy, "one's for me and one's for my little friend here" and with that the guy pulls a three inch tall leprechaun out of his shirt pocket.

The Bartender looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he drink?"

"Sure" replied the guy and with that the three-inch tall man supped back his whiskey.

"That's amazing" replied the bartender, "what else can he do? Can he walk?"

With that the guy flips a coin down to the other end of the bar and asks the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and retrieves the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy.

"That really is amazing" replied the bartender, "Can he talk?"

"Of course" says the guy, "Hey Jim, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witch-doctor a w @ nker..."

2007-06-26 01:30:26 · 20 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

MEN
1. All men are extremly busy.
2. Although they are very busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although thay have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really cheesed off if the woman leaves them.
7. Although the woman leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes

and still try their luck with others.

WOMEN:
1. The most importany thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "Old Rags".
6. Although their clothes are always, just an old rag, they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you

*how ironic is that...lol..Star if you like:-)

2007-06-26 01:30:15 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

In a prisoner of war camp.
Hitler says he will let them go if they can pass three tests.

Go into the first hut and drink 18 pints of guinness
Go into the second hut and remove a rotted tooth from the mouth off an angry lion
Go into the third hut and make love to a blonde nymphomaniac for three hours non stop.

American goes first, has 4 pints of Guinness and passes out, hitler says,"you dont go home"

Englishman goes next, drinks 18 pints but trips over the doorstep on the way out and knocks himself out. hitler says "you dont go home"

Irishman goes next. Into the first hut and drinks the 18 pints of guinness.
Into the second hut with the lion. Roaring and screaming coming from the hut, the walls are vibrating, the windows break.
After a couple of hours paddy emerges from the hut and says
"Now, where's this blonde nymph with the bad tooth"
Go into the

2007-06-26 01:24:20 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

which country i come from.

First correct entry gets 10 aka best answer

Clue: Not in N.America

2007-06-26 01:20:26 · 23 answers · asked by Gary L 1