Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.
As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'
Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'
The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'
'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.
'Your turn,' says the man.
'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'

2007-06-25 06:10:24 · 20 answers · asked by ladylafemme2 1

I am looking for this thing where you look into a room and it asks what is wrong with the room and after staring for a bit the scream guy pops up to try to scare you
i cant find and the person to find it first will get the best answer thing
thanks

2007-06-25 05:37:00 · 3 answers · asked by X_Emo_Blondie_X 2

I was packing for my business trip and my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

2007-06-25 05:35:24 · 40 answers · asked by Dannie 5

you're looking fro 2 diffrent things.

2007-06-25 04:38:37 · 30 answers · asked by Iris 1

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

2007-06-25 04:20:46 · 24 answers · asked by Joka B 5

angelo consigliolas is in his rowing boat, about to lower a solid bronze mermaid into a viewing tank .once the mermaid is on the bottom of the tank, will the water in the tank rise, fall or stay the same as before it entered the water?

2007-06-25 04:18:14 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde, a brunet, and a red head Are being chased by a murderer, on a farm. THey all run into a barn and hide. The brunet hides in the cow pen. THe Red head hides in the pid pen. And the Blonde hides in a bag of potatoes. THe murderer walkes in looking for them. HE checkes the cow pen the brunet says "moo moo moo" and he walks away. THen he checkes the pig pen, the red head says "oik oik oik" and he walks away. Then he checks the potato sacks and the blonde says "potato potato potato".

2007-06-25 03:28:18 · 14 answers · asked by alyssa a 1

Night after night, a keen ornithologist stood in his backyard hooting like an owl. After weeks of getting no reply, he suddenly heard an owl hoot back at him. He was overjoyed at the response and for the next nine months man and bird kept up a regular dialogue of hooting. He was fascinated by his ability to relate to a wild creature and kept a thorough record of al their conversations.
Just when he was on the brink of taking his findings to the natural history society, his wife happened to be talking to a neighbor who lived four doors away.
'My husband spends his nights calling to owls,' she confided.
The neighbor said: 'that’s funny. So does mine!'

2007-06-25 03:09:42 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-25 03:06:56 · 6 answers · asked by jonny 1

Here are a few suggestions:
1. Arab Americans getting more work in Hollywood.
2. Iran, Iraq, and Afghanistan may become part of the United States before Puerto Rico.
3. Suicide bombers are entering paradise in record numbers.
4. Major religion finally getting world recognition.

2007-06-25 02:15:58 · 9 answers · asked by Calvin James Hammer 6

2007-06-25 02:14:53 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

LESSON 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!", says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone
''Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral Of The Story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

2007-06-25 01:02:05 · 7 answers · asked by megawale 2

So a blonde, brunette, and a redhead are marrooned on a island. They are walking down a beach when they see a bottle with a cork in it. They pop open the cork and out pops a genie. He says 'sorry girls there is a bit of a recession on at the moment, can only give you one wish each'. The Brunette says 'ok, i wish i was a thousand times smarter than i already am, to think of a way off this island' Genie likes this and agrees and BAM with a wave of his wrist and the brunette swelled up like a balloon and floated across the sea to safety. The Redhead, having just witnessed this says 'ok, i wish i was a thousand times smater than her!' and BAM and she swelled up like an even bigger balloon and floated across the water to safety. Now the blonde, also having just witnessed everything said 'ok then, i wish i was a thousand, million times smarter than both of those girls put together!' and BAM, she turned into a man and walked across the bridge.

2007-06-25 00:53:59 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Please God look after my grandad. The following day his grandad died. Two days later the man hears his son say, Please God look after my grandma.The following day his grandma dies. The man says to his son, Please do not ask God to do anything for me. Sure enough two days later he hears his son say, Please God look after my dad. The following day the man gets up early goes to the park and sits there all day terrified. He finally goes home at midnight and explains to his wife what a terrible day he has had. His wife says your lucky the milkman put a pint of milk on the doorstep this morning and then dropped dead.

2007-06-25 00:51:30 · 8 answers · asked by john j 1

You can see what a bottle of pepsi will cost in 2020!

2007-06-25 00:51:02 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

"what the f**k are you looking at"?

2007-06-25 00:47:49 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

slow down and use some lubricant.

2007-06-25 00:43:36 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two cannibals giving each other a b**w j*b.

2007-06-25 00:35:27 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?"
"Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."

2007-06-25 00:25:50 · 18 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

and you were me and i was somebody else ,then who would we really be

2007-06-24 22:39:02 · 12 answers · asked by booge 6

Where would you be if…

You have all the money your heart desires,

You have no worries,

You come home and the finest meal is awaiting you,

Your bathwater has been run,

You have the perfect kids,

Your partner is awaiting you with open arms, kisses and promises for later...


So where would you be?














Huh?

















You’d be in the wrong f**king house.

2007-06-24 22:28:44 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Tater Tots. :-)

2007-06-24 22:25:27 · 7 answers · asked by bb jo 5

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market."

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked my friend.

"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."


(i worked hours on this)

2007-06-24 22:21:31 · 14 answers · asked by ? 2

Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate, Saint Peter was waiting for him. After rewieving his records Saint Pete decided to let him in. "Follow me" he said, opening the gate and walking in.

After some walk, Saint Pete's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing.
Saint Pete was furious.
"If you do that again, You'll go straight to hell! But follow me, we're almost there."

After some more walk, Pete dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Pete was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.

Again they walk and for the third time Pete drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Pete is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.

A few weeks later, Saint Pete goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his *** of.
"Why is it so god damn cold down here? "Pete asks.
"Well you just try bending down for firewood!!" The devil replied.

2007-06-24 21:11:11 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English”.
In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

2007-06-24 20:05:30 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a coin.
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.

The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled, "It really works!"

2007-06-24 19:48:44 · 11 answers · asked by Sand King 1

2007-06-24 19:15:17 · 27 answers · asked by shelza1 2

How can you tell if a fax was from a blonde?

There's a stamp on it!

2007-06-24 19:11:47 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-24 18:36:19 · 19 answers · asked by shelza1 2

2007-06-24 17:58:16 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous