Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

I turn polar bears white
And I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
And girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
And normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
And make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?


97% of Harvard graduates can not figure this riddle out,
But 84% of kindergarten students were able to figure this out,
In 6 minutes or less.
Can you guess the riddle?


can you tell me the answer, plz

2007-06-24 17:54:20 · 12 answers · asked by calico_gurl2006 2

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING "MARVELOUSLY MATURE" WHEN.....

1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.

2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

3. At the breakfast table you hear "snap, crackle, pop" and you're not eating cereal.

4. Your back goes out but you stay home.

5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

8. When happy hour is a nap.

9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does..

10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.

11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired

15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.

20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.

21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.

22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.

23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.

24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.

25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.

26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.

27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it

2007-06-24 17:14:23 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

When the delegate from the emerging African nation was in Moscow, he watched a game of Russian roulette. Someone put the barrel of a piston to his head and pulled the trigger. One of the six chambers contained a real bullet.

Now the Russian delegate was visiting the African nation.

"We would like to show you our version of roulette," the Ambassador said., "We call this African roulette."

"How do you play it?"

The Ambassador pointed to the six buxom African girls sitting in a circle., "Any of these girls will give you a b.lo.w job."

"Where is the roulette part? Where is the jeopardy?" the Russian asked.

"Well," said the African Ambassador, "One of the girls is a cannibal

2007-06-24 17:09:30 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I''ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don''t know sh*t?"

2007-06-24 16:09:11 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Christopher Reeve in a house fire

What was the last thing Princess Diana said to Dodi?
Don't you think were taking this thing a little too fast?

2007-06-24 15:57:59 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

What goes up but never comes down is your age because once your 1 you can't change your age.

2007-06-24 14:38:36 · 15 answers · asked by savanna m 1

Three blondes are walking down the street. They meet three astronauts.

The Astronauts say, "Ha ha ha. we went to the moon!

The blondes say,"Oh Yeah? Well we're going to the sun!

The astronauts say back, "You can't go to the sun!"

The blondes reply.

WE WILL JUST GO AT NIGHT!

2007-06-24 13:27:08 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked.

"Yes, It's because your blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids said up to D, but I said it up to G. See?
A,B,C,D,E,F,G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, It's because your blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy Mommy!" she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we were showering, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

She lifted up her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm Blonde, Mommy?"

"No Honey, Its because you're 24."

2007-06-24 13:18:46 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, a class of third graders from the city was taking a field trip to the country to visit a small farm. The kids were amazed to see all the different kinds of animals on the farm.

So the farmer asks one little girl, "What's the difference between a rooster and a hen?"

"The hen lays eggs." replied the little girl.

"Very good!" said the farmer. Then the farmer asked another little girl, "What's the difference between a duck and a turkey?"

"Well," replied the little girl. "Turkeys can't swim and turkeys are what we have on Thanksgiving Day."

"Very good!" exclaimed the farmer. Then he asks little Johnny, "Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?"

"Yes, I do" replied little Johnny from the city. "Bulls smile when
you milk them."

2007-06-24 13:01:42 · 8 answers · asked by sniffels323 5

Fred died and went to Hell where he was met by Satan's demon and was given the choice of punishment eternal or the opportunity to lift himself to success. "You can rot in the bowels of the Abyss pit of ten thousand tortures or you can take the ladder on my left and climb your way to success" the Demon says. Fred tought for a second and said "I don't fancy eternal tortures so I'll climb the ladder to success." so he sets off to climb the ladder to success, he was climbing fo several weeks and feeling very tired when he came to a cave and in the cave was a blonde with a bottle of whiskey beckoning him in. He was determined and refused but continued to climb the ladder to success, another week passed and he came across another cave with 4 blondes anad a case of Burbuon beckoning him in. Again he refused determined to climb the ladder to success, after another 3 mnths he finally reached the top and there sitting in the corner was a small fat greasy sweating ugly individual with a smile on

2007-06-24 12:18:52 · 13 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

The private tec said I need your help to get the evidence on your wife's adultery for the court. They do it in a field. I'll be the front of a pantomime cow, you be at the back. We'll creep across the field unnoticed and I'll photograph the pair of them. Half way across the field the tec said Can you run? the man said- In this costume? I'll be f****d if I can. You'll be f****d if you can't, said the tec, Here comes a bull.

2007-06-24 12:08:36 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The nice part about living in a small town is that then you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and to setting fire to my knickers.

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...
"You know, sometimes I forget to eat!" .....Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys. But I have never forgotten to eat!

2007-06-24 12:01:33 · 22 answers · asked by ? 5

In search of adventure, an attractive young lady decides to head to the Far East and stows away on the first available ship.

After a month, the ship's captain finds her - and is surprised that after a month at sea she's well fed and cared for. He realises that she must have befriended someone on board, but is surprised when she confesses that it was his first officer. Apparently every morning he would give her a full English breafast and a bath, and had said that he would continue to do so until they reached Japan.

"And what did he ask in return?" queried the captain.

"You might say he took advantage, blushed the beauty.

"Too bl**dy right he did, chuckled the old sea dog. "You're on the Belfast to Liverpool ferry."

2007-06-24 11:46:18 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

You call the tow-truck!

ps star if u liked it!

2007-06-24 11:38:58 · 7 answers · asked by beetlebailey 1

We are more valuable than any of the younger generations:

We have silver in our hair.
We have gold in our teeth.
We have stones in our kidneys.
We have lead in our feet and.
We are loaded with natural gas.

2007-06-24 10:13:11 · 8 answers · asked by ? 5

This proves that we have become too dependant on our comuters:

To see if you're a boy or girl, look down...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
I said look down, not scroll down!

2007-06-24 08:09:35 · 25 answers · asked by ashley yo :D 2

A blonde walked into a doctor's office with two burnt ears. The doctor asked her, "What happened to your ear?" The blonde replied, "I was ironing and the phone rang, so instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and put it to my ear.
Still not satisfied, the doctor asked, "Well, what happened to the other ear?"
"The sucker called again"


*****no offense to the blondes*****

plz give a star

2007-06-24 07:44:44 · 13 answers · asked by sweet l 1

A man was trimming his bushes. His neighbor (the blonde) walks out, checks her mail only to see that it's empty, and goes back inside.
Five minutes later, she comes back out, checks her mail again only to see that it's still empty, and goes back in.
The third time she comes out, the man asks her, "Excuse me, is there a problem?"
The blonde replies, "Darn right there's a problem! My computer keeps on telling me 'I've got mail'!"

2007-06-24 07:29:37 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Like FunnyJunk...but not...

2007-06-24 05:27:32 · 10 answers · asked by LooFreebush 1

A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE ...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:

1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
2) WON'T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.

Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?"

"Hi," he said, " your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away."

"Well, then," she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied,..... "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

2007-06-24 05:15:27 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny was getting his baseball gear to play hooky from school when his mom came home early from work. He ran into the closest room (hers) and hid in the closet.
He sat there quietly as his mom and a man entered the room, stripped down and proceeded to have sex.

A few minutes later, Johnny's dad entered the house, and the man in the bedroom scrambled to hide the closet. they sat in silence for a moment, until Johnny said...

"Dark in here huh?"
The man replied "Yes it is"

"Do you like my baseball glove?"
"Its nice"

"You wanna buy it?"
"How much kid?"
"$50"

So the guy peels the bills out of his wallet, and some time later makes his escape with his new baseball glove.

That evening after dinner, Johnny's dad asks him if he wanted to play catch. Johnny explained that he sold his Mitt to a friend for $50 bucks. His dad lectured him on cheating his friends but let it go.

2007-06-24 04:40:25 · 31 answers · asked by dont_know_4_sure 2

Once there was a man who was completely red so was his house and things.
One day he when up his red stairs, went into his red bathroom, turned on his red tap and ran a bath. But just as he got in the bath the door bell rang….. Typical he thought. But he got out of the bath anyway, put a red towel around himself and went to answer the door, when he open it there was a women standing there, he held out his hand to shake hers but as he did so he drop his towel, the women ran across the road screaming and got hit by a car………..never cross the road when the red mans flashing.

if you think this joke is funny give it a star plz.

2007-06-24 01:36:45 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-24 01:04:22 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-24 00:59:27 · 10 answers · asked by Mrs. Mysterious 2

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam. Suddenly, a man knocked on his window. The driver rolled down his window and asked "What's up?" The man said excitedly, "President Bush has been kidnapped by terrorists. hey will cover him in petrol and burn him if they don't get $10 million ransom." The driver asked, "And what do you want me to do?" "Well, we're going from car to car collecting for the cause," answered the. "Aha... And how much are people giving?" asked the driver. "Oh, somewhere around one or two gallons."

2007-06-24 00:31:44 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75lb due to serious health risks. Desperate, he signs up for a guaranteed weight loss programme. The next day a voluptuous 19 year old girl arrives, dressed in nothing but running shoes and a sign round her neck, which reads “If you can catch me, you can have me!" He chases her and after catching up, has his way with her. After a few days of this, he is delighted to find he has lost weight and orders a harder programme. The next day, and even sexier woman turns up, wearing nothing but running shoes and the same sign. After five days of her, he decides to go for the company's hardest programme. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous programme." "Absolutely," he replies. The next day there's a knock at the door and standing there is a muscular guy wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."

2007-06-24 00:20:51 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Alan and his friend martin went out hunting. Martin had never hunted before, so he was following Alan's lead. Alan saw a herd of deer and told Martin to stay in the exact spot he was and to be quiet. A moment later, Alan heard a scream. He ran back and asked Martin what had happened. "A snake slithered across my feet", said Martin, "but that didn't make me scream. Then a bear came up to me and snarled, but I still didn't scream". "So why did you?" Alan asked, infuriated. "Well," Martin went on, "two squirrels crawled up my trousers and I heard one of them say, 'Should we take 'em home or eat 'em now?"

2007-06-24 00:11:25 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Without saying 'the opposite way to RIGHT'?

2007-06-23 23:46:56 · 22 answers · asked by libby 3

Seriously....... I'm sitting here typing on YA and I see something hop. My cat pounced on it and it hopped into the corner. I tried to toss a bag over it but it's too fast. What do I do???

(And how in the world did it get in here in the first place??)

2007-06-23 23:35:31 · 12 answers · asked by Marianne not Ginger™ 7

I live in the depths of your heart.
You can't hear me, see me or touch me but you can feel me when I'm there.
I can cuase happyness and luaghter,
And I can also cause anger and missery and even madness.
What am I?

2007-06-23 22:14:09 · 38 answers · asked by Anonymous