Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

the person who gives me the best question which also answers the question above it, i will award them with the ten points.
so can you answer this question..?

2007-06-23 21:25:44 · 32 answers · asked by hey123 4

2007-06-23 21:23:43 · 9 answers · asked by ☃FrostyGal♪♬♪ 4

Regardless of how it starts, it ends with the quote, "Brothers and sisters have I none, but this man's father is my father's son." What is the relationship of the man to the person speaking?

This is a tricky one, now. Don't rush in.

2007-06-23 20:50:49 · 9 answers · asked by Brant 7

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an
old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked
hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old
man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically
asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had
sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

2007-06-23 19:35:28 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Lesson's to be learned from Noah's Ark
1) Don't miss the boat.
2)Remember we're all in the same boat.
3)Plan ahead! It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
4) Stay fit. When you're 600yrs old someone may ask you to do something REALLY BIG.
5)Don't listen to critic's. Just get on with the job that need's to be done.
6)Build you're future on high ground.
7)For safety's sake alway's travel in pair's.
8)Speed isn't everything. Remember the Snail's were on board with the Cheetah's.
9)When you're stressed, FLOAT AWHILE.
10)Remember the Ark was built by amateurs,The Titanic was built by professionals.
and finally.
No matter the storm,When you're with GOD there's alway's a Rainbow.

2007-06-23 18:37:54 · 21 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

2007-06-23 18:09:33 · 41 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-23 16:16:15 · 19 answers · asked by ? 2

A man wakes up one morning with the filthiest hangover and no recollection of the night before. Slowly opening his eyes, he sees a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water on the bedside table.
He looks around the room to find his clothes are on the dresser, neatly folded, with a clean shirt on top. The bedroom is immaculate. On the bedside table is a note, which says, 'Darling, your breakfast is in the kitchen. I love you.'
Downstairs, he finds his favourite cereal, croissants, fresh OJ and freshly brewed coffee laid out waiting for him, along with the morning paper - and his 15-year-old son, who is finishing his own breakfast.
'Tell me, son,' he asks, 'what happened last night?'
'Well, says the boy, 'you came home so blind drunk you didn't even know your own name. You nearly broke the door down, then you were sick in the hallway, then you knocked the furniture over and when Mum tried to calm you down, you thought she was the police, so you gave her a black eye.'
'Christ!' says the man. 'Then how come my clothes are all folded, the house is tidy and my breakfast is ready?'
'When Mum dragged you into the bedroom and tried to get your trousers off to put you into bed, you shouted at her, 'Get your filthy hands off me, you whore, I'm married!''

2007-06-23 15:16:51 · 21 answers · asked by ladylafemme2 1

An elderly man and his wife are taking a stroll through the country when they spy a fence where they used to conduct their courting.
Excited by this, they make love furiously, with their arms and legs waving about everywhere.
When they are finished, the woman says, surprised, "You never had sex with me like that 50 years ago", to which the man replies "Well, that fence wasn't electric 50 years ago."

2007-06-23 15:11:48 · 8 answers · asked by Steve C 7

So there were four women who went to college together and decided to re-unite and have dinner. The women were having great conversation and began reminiscing of their past experiences. The topic quickly turned to their beloved sons and each began to brag of their sons accomplishments. One of the mothers stated "Well my son is a doctor and and just bought a mansion" The second said "O, well my son became a lawyer and bought a brand new yacht" The third said "Well my son became a successful broker and just bought a Ferrari"
While these three were bragging the fourth mother had returned from the bathroom. When they asked about her son she said "O, my son is gay." The three others all looked in disgust and said "aww thats too bad." And the mother turned and said "No it isnt, he just recieved a new yacht, a Ferrari and a mansion from his three lovers!"

2007-06-23 14:48:49 · 15 answers · asked by jermister2 2

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They were unable to decide who would let go, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids and for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.

2007-06-23 14:06:08 · 12 answers · asked by sniffels323 5

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde lady arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, " I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm nude." With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!" Moral of the story: Not all blondes are dumb.

2007-06-23 13:57:23 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" - Continued

2007-06-23 13:44:30 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman walked into her kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"what are you doing?" she asked
"hunting fly's" he responded
"oh! killing any?" she asked
"yep 3 males 2 females" he replied,intrigued, she asked
"how do you tell them apart?"
he responded " 3 were on a beer,and 2 were on the phone!"

This made me laugh!

2007-06-23 13:44:07 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was getting longer and staying erect longer,he was delighted...as was his wife.
But after several weeks his pe had grown to 20 inches.
Now Ralph became concerned about this , so he and his wife visited the specialist urologist.
The specialists advice to the couple , was that Ralphs condition could be cured with corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" asks the wife.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" asks the specialist.
"Well ." asks the wife coldly,..

"You are Planning to lengthen his legs aren't you?"

2007-06-23 13:40:02 · 9 answers · asked by raybbies 5

Jack came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, Quick, bring me another beer."......It's gonna start.
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."
"THAT'S IT!! She blows her top! "You b******" you waltz in here, flop your fat a*s down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave....Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed..."Oh no - it's started!"

2007-06-23 13:15:32 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After some time he realises he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls home.
His wife comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"IN BED!!" this early, doing what?" shouts the doctor.
"Getting a second opinion," replies his wife. :)

2007-06-23 12:32:01 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

In the basement there are 3 light switches in the off position. Each switch controls 1 of 3 light bulbs on the floor above. You may move any of the switches, but you may only go up stairs one time. How can you determine which switch controls each light?

2007-06-23 12:30:51 · 8 answers · asked by NORTON 1

A man gets home, screeches his car int he driveway, runs in the housee, slams the door, and shouts, "honey, pack your bags! I just won the lottery!"
"Oh my God, what should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" replies the wife
"It dosent matter!" the husband yells back, "Just get the hell out!"

2007-06-23 12:18:12 · 11 answers · asked by katana 3

2007-06-23 11:37:37 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-23 11:17:29 · 22 answers · asked by rimmey 2

365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

2007-06-23 10:59:39 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight a announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

12. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

2007-06-23 10:55:04 · 9 answers · asked by bilbo b 4

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
>
> Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to
> my husband that my breasts are too small.
>
> Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, He
> uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
>
> "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
> toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".
>
> Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
> front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
>
> "! How long will this take?" I asked.
>
> "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
>
> I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
> between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the
> years?"
>
> Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
>
> He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, He may even walk
> again, Although he will probably continue to take his meals through a
> straw.
>
> Stupid, stupid man

2007-06-23 10:34:59 · 6 answers · asked by tnthauler 2

His doctor was also friend and told Jez that he'd been hunting and brought home a deer. "You can have its liver if you like, I have it here in the fridge".
"Ta Doc" said Jez
After his consultation Jez was leaving through the crowded waiting room whe suddenly the doc rushed out of his surgery with a piece of offal in a bag.
"Wait -you forgot your liver!"

2007-06-23 10:28:52 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I received an email on labels on consumer goods and it made me chuckle...hope you all like it! {star if you smiled!}

> On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and
that's the only
> time I have to work on my hair).
>
> On a bag of Fritos: . You could be a winner! No
purchase necessary.
> details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
>
> On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular
soap." (and that
> would be how???....)
>
> On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion:
Defrost." (but,
> it's "just" a suggestion).
>
> On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do
not turn upside
> down."(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
>
> On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:"Product will be hot
after heating."
> (...and you thought????...)
>
> On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes
on body." (but
> wouldn't this save me more time?)

2007-06-23 08:54:59 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

What comes next in this order of numbers?
1
11
21
1211
111221
312211
13112221

2007-06-23 08:38:59 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically,he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot, "What's your name?"

"Moses," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot", sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Moses?"

The parrot replied, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."

{Star if you think its funny!}

2007-06-23 08:19:09 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!" "Yes, Ma'am?" said the librarian looking up at her."I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked "What was wrong with it?" "It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" said the blonde.The librarian nodded and said, "Ahhh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."----------------------
There was a blonde, a brunette, and a red-head that was going on vacation to a native island. The brunette brought a portable fridge with her. The red-head asked her "Why are you carrying a fridge with you?" The brunette replies "To keep all of our food in." The red-head is carrying a shotgun with her. The brunette asks "Why do you have that shotgun?" The red-head says "Just in case we run out of food, we can kill something to eat." The blonde is carrying their car door with her. They both ask the blonde "Why are you carrying our car door?" The blonde says "Just in case it gets too hot, I can roll the window down."

2007-06-23 08:04:43 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

say anything...what's in your mind, anything under the sun... but... but... but... make sure it has only three words...

2007-06-23 07:57:05 · 23 answers · asked by iQbal 1