Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

How time flies. It seems like just yesterday when she was crawling around the White House floor putting bad things in her mouth.

2007-06-22 12:45:02 · 4 answers · asked by Commander 3

a husband and wife decide they need to cut back, and start saving. but the wife discovers her husband spent £40 on beer. she confronts him, and asks. "you know we are saving, why did you spend £40 on beer?"
he replied, "well why did you spend £60 on make up, and beauty products?"
she says, "aha, thats so as i can keep myself looking beautiful for my you."
he replies. "thats what the beer was for"

2007-06-22 12:22:03 · 30 answers · asked by chris 4

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine Sex.
Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one, too."
Then I said,"But this is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "But you don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night!" The clerk said, "Me too."
One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest.

2007-06-22 12:05:29 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

An elderly couple were attending church services. About halfway through the wife leans over and says to her husband, " I just let out a silent fart what do you think I should do?"


He leans back over to her and says " Put a new battery in your hearing aid for a start!!!."

2007-06-22 11:55:44 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

three guys are running from the cops in the woods and are stuck at the edge of a cliff---one of the men finds an old lamp and rubs it and sure enough a genie appears and tells them normally i give one person 3 wishes but since there is 3 of you i will give you each one wish---the men think fast and decide to change into birds and fly away from the police so the genie tells them to run and jump off the cliff and yell out what they want to be changed into and he will make it happen so the 1st guy jumps off and yell out eagle and poof he is a majestic eagle and flys away to safety the 2nd guy jumps and yells out hawk and poof he is changed into a magnifecent red tail hawk and he flies away to safety now the 3rd guy runs up but he trips on a root at the last second and yells out "SHI*"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-06-22 11:25:59 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

After making love, the wife jumps up and starts packing. The husband asks " where are you going"? Wife arswers " I'm going to Las Vagas. I can get $ 200 for what I've been giving you for free ". The husband jumps up and starts packing. Wife as, " where are YOU going"? Husband says, I'm going with you. I want to see how you're going to live on $ 600 dollars a year"!

2007-06-22 11:13:22 · 6 answers · asked by Jackolantern 7

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.

Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall.

The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall." He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, "Fire!"

2007-06-22 10:27:50 · 8 answers · asked by ? 3

hehe, I won't tell yet!

2007-06-22 10:27:32 · 21 answers · asked by Crazygirl ♥ aka GT 6

his hand caught fire

2007-06-22 09:50:56 · 13 answers · asked by GEOFF W 3

a man rubbed a brass lamp, and a genie popped out and granted him one wish.he said he'd like to be rock hard all the time and get loads of *** for the rest of his life. the genie turned him into a toilet.

2007-06-22 09:45:25 · 7 answers · asked by mailys@btinternet.com 2

On the first day of school,the first grade teacher asks the kids to tell the class what they did during the summer. Before they start, the teacher reminds the kids "You're not in kindergarten, anymore, so don't talk like babies!. Now Billy, what did you do this summer? "

Little Billy says "I went to visit my Pa Pa's farm!."

"Billy didn't I tell you not to talk like a baby? Susie, why don't you tell us what you did."

So Susie says"I rode on a choo choo train!"

The teacher is really upset now at the kids and says "If one more of you talks like a little baby, the whole class will be punished.! Now, Johnny, it's your turn, what did you do during summer vacation and you better not talk like a baby!

"I read a very good book this summer, teacher" replies Johnny
.
The teacher smiles and asks him "What was the name of your book, Johnny?"

Johnny smiles proudly and answers "Winnie The S**T"

2007-06-22 08:48:49 · 7 answers · asked by susandiane311 5

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice.

The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "He's a midget".

2007-06-22 08:39:10 · 40 answers · asked by Anonymous

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally naked, while a beautiful, big-breasted nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis. They were told that anyone whose bell rang when the nude model danced in front of them would not be ordained, because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell... Then all the other bells started to ring

2007-06-22 08:22:06 · 39 answers · asked by Anonymous

they have to be funny and good
thx

2007-06-22 08:11:38 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

2007-06-22 08:07:53 · 10 answers · asked by cgpearman 1

A teenage couple was having sex on the top bunk & the little brother was on the bottom so they decided they should use some code words. Lettuce for faster/harder, tomato for slower/softer. Then the girl shouts out "pull it out, I don't wanna get pregnant!" The little brother hollers "Would you 2 quit making sandwiches, you're getting mayo all over my face!" eew!

2007-06-22 08:06:12 · 12 answers · asked by ♥bigmamma♥ 6

and,of course, the people reading this question. Its well worth the minus 5 points because people are very funny here

2007-06-22 08:04:43 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Find the error. It's impossible!

AAA
BBB
CCC
DDD
EEE
FFF
GGG
HHH
III
JJJ
KKK
LLL
MMM
NNN
OOO
PPP
QQQ
RRR
SSS
TTT
UUU
VVV
WWW
XXX
YYY
ZZZ

Did you know that 80% of UCSD students could not find the error above?

2007-06-22 08:01:20 · 8 answers · asked by everett k 2

2007-06-22 07:46:43 · 5 answers · asked by Nicolette Martin 4

I'm bewildered as to how this should work.
Any ideas?

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AuaCbq4zcbPlyLoQAkipE6Xty6IX?qid=20070622063146AAMUWmP&show=7#profile-info-dc8j6AL0aa

2007-06-22 07:00:17 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Star if you like!!!

Once there was Three pigs that went to a resturaunt and the waitress came and asked what they would like to drink The First pig said milk the second said coke and the third said water! SO then they get ther drinks and The waitress says What would You like as Your meal The first one said a Burritto the second one said a salad and the third said water SO then they got that and she asked what the want for dessert and The first said Ice cream the second said Cake and the third said water When she came back she asked the third Pig why he always got water and he said Well one of us has to go wee wee wee all the way home!

2007-06-22 06:34:12 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-22 06:22:25 · 37 answers · asked by davies66108 2

2007-06-22 05:31:30 · 28 answers · asked by Sam 3

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday," replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"

"Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

2007-06-22 05:20:50 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Divide 30 by ½ and add 10. What is the answer

2007-06-22 05:11:21 · 13 answers · asked by Rod 3

I'm stuck on Q 24. I cant click any of the two V's (the yellow and the other). By the time I get the color, the V's disappear, and I can't click them. If that's not the way, what should I do?

2007-06-22 04:50:07 · 6 answers · asked by Akilesh - Internet Undertaker 7

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve called out to God..."Lord, I have a
problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and
all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just
not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous
ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll
give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster and more muscular than you.
He'll also need your advice to think properly. He'll be really good at fighting
and kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad
in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the
catch, Lord?"
"Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

2007-06-22 04:49:02 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.
So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having s*x with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks
earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!"
Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!"

2007-06-22 04:47:32 · 17 answers · asked by Arisa 1

2007-06-22 04:47:06 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-22 04:43:03 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous