I'm bored,make me laugh?

Question

and,of course, the people reading this question. Its well worth the minus 5 points because people are very funny here

Answer 1

53 Ways to Be Annoying


Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

Finish the 99 green bottles song.

Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song.

Leave your indicator (turn signal) on for fifty miles.

Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.

Name your dog "Dog".

Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

Ask people what gender they are.

Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.

Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "good one".

Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Glade Air Freshener.

Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains.

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.

Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

Wear a LOT of cologne.

Ask to "interface" with someone.

Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".

Sing along at the opera.

Mow your lawn with scissors.

At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-
suhWING-batter!"

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".

Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".

Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket." Hmmm Geoff Boycott?

Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".

Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.

Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

Never make eye contact.

Never break eye contact.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in an annoying John Motson or Jimmy Hill voice.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Make appointments for the 30th of February.

Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.
....................................................
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work.

Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.

When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.
.............................................................
Three nuns were talking and the first one said, "I found a dirty magazine in Father's room"
The second nun asked, "What did you do with it?"
"I threw it in the garbage"
The second nun then said, "Well that's nothing, I found a box of condoms in his room"
The first nun said, "Oh my! What did you do with them?"
And the second nun said, "I poked holes in all of them"
Then, the third nun fainted.

Answer 2

0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Answer 3

If your driver's seat car lock is broken and you cant get out, you have a hammer inside and e cell phone, what do you do?
check your answer at sources.

I have another one. ok. Iwass walkindg to school. Isaw my friend. he looked like my friend from the back. when he looked at me he just stared. I just stared at hir too. you know who I saw that looked like my friend?










Your mama!

there were five people in the boat 1 was mexican 1 was filipino the boat was sinking. bla bla bla talk talk tlka. three jumped the pilipino stood up and said I am willing to risk a life. mabuhay ang pilipinas he said. meaning be saved phillipines! he shook hands with the other guy and said good luck and through them off. but what they couldve done was jumped to the dock. They werent even leaving yet!


one more thing

















lets have sex










jokes only about the sex.


Or am I ?

Answer 4

there's three men caught hostage by an indigenous tribe in a rainforest. the leader of the tribe says'go and get 10 of one kind of fruit'

the first man returns with 10 apples and the leader tells him to shove all 10 fruits up his bum. if he fails he is killed. after 3 apples he is in much pain and cannot complete the task so he is killed.

the second man returns with 10 berries. when told the same task as the first man, he begins to place the berries up his bum but after the seventh he is in hysterics of laughter and is killed.

when the secong man gets to heaven, he meets up with the first man and the first man asks him what went wrong and the second man replied'i saw the third man coming with 10 pineapples!'

Answer 5

There is a blonde brunette and a red head stranded on an island.
So the blonde is digging through the sand and finds a bottle.
She cleans it and a genie comes out and says"i will grant u each 1 wish"
The red head says " i wish for a hot husband lots of money and a fancy house." poof she disappears.
The brunette says " hey good idea i wish for that too" she disappears.
The blonde says " I am lonely i wish them back"


OH and 1 more

WHAT DO YOU CALL A GROUP OF BLONDES??
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-
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A VACUUM

AND one 1 more

There once lived a SMART blonde.......................

Answer 6

Little Johnny, aged six, comes home from school'

"How was your day?" Asks Mum

"Great Mum and, do you know what? I found out today that the boy who sits next to me in class has a penis like a peanut."

"What?" asks Mum, visibly shocked, "You mean it's small?"

"No." Replies Johnny with a grin, "It's salty!"

Answer 7

You need a good laugh ok I will send you my pic. Laugh it up

Answer 8

Your on a Jokes & Riddles chat room... and you need to ask someone to make you laugh?

Answer 9

why are you so special that we should make you laugh? does the king put on a jesters outfit and hop around for the jester? i think not.. know your roll biatch!

Answer 10

http://www.comedycentral.com/?sitrackingid=6721679&kw=comedycentral