Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Men are like....

1. Men are like .Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like.Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ...Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ..Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ....Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ......Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ...Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like .Popcorn .. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ......Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

2007-06-21 22:54:31 · 30 answers · asked by Lee ML 1

Scottish Talents

A Scottish old timer (Jeremy Saxton at 65) in Scotland was sitting in a bar, talking to a young man. "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me Saxton-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."

"Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me Saxton-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me Saxton-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. "But ya **** one goat..."

2007-06-21 22:24:29 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-21 22:19:38 · 5 answers · asked by grambo 1

Once upon a time
In a land far away,
A beautiful, independent,
Self-assured princess
Happened upon a frog as she sat
Contemplating ecological issues
On the shores of an unpolluted pond
In a verdant meadow near her castle.
~~~~~~~~
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
And said:

" Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince, Until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
~~~~~~~~
One kiss from you, however, And I will turn back Into the dapper, young prince that I am
And then, my sweet, we can marry
~~~~~~~~
And set up housekeeping in your castle
~~~~~~~~
With my mother,
~~~~~~~~
Where you can prepare my meals,
~~~~~~~~
Clean my clothes, bear my children,
~~~~~~~~
And forever feel
Grateful and happy doing so. "
~~ ~~~~~~
That night,
~~~~~~~~
As the princess dined sumptuously
~~~~~~~~
On lightly sautåd frog legs
~~~~~~~~
Seasoned in a white wine
~~~~~~~
And onion cream sauce,
~~~~~~~~
She chuckled and thought to herself:
I DONT F#####G THINK SO!!!

2007-06-21 22:08:36 · 13 answers · asked by smithtracey72 2

And God Created Man.


When God created woman.
She had two arms, two legs and three breasts.
And it was good.

And God asked woman what she would like changed about herself.
And she asked for her middle breast to be removed.
And it was good.

She stood with her third breast in her hand and asked God what should be done with the useless boob...

And God created man.

2007-06-21 22:04:22 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A first-grade teacher, Ms Juliet (Age 26) was having trouble with one of her
students the teacher asked,"Boy. what is your problem?"

Boy. answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the
third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!"

Ms Juliet had enough. She took Boy. to the principal's office. While Boy.
waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the
situation was. The principal told Ms Juliet he would give the boy a test and
if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the
first-grade and behave. She agreed.

Boy. was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed
to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Boy.: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Boy.: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know. The principal looks at Ms Juliet and tells her, "I think Boy
can go to the third-grade. "

Ms Juliet says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions.

Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy both agreed.

Ms Juliet asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy., after a moment "Legs."

Ms Nee lam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy.: "Pockets."

Ms Juliet: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy.: Coconut

Ms Juliet: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky? The
principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy.
was taking charge.
Boy.: Bubblegum

Ms Juliet: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a
dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he
could stop the answer...
Boy.: Shake hands

Ms Juliet: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy.: Yep.

Ms Juliet: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I
get wet before you do.
Boy.: Tent

Ms Juliet: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The
best man always has me first.The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense
and took one large Sp. Vodka peg.
Boy.: Wedding Ring

Ms Juliet: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow
me, you feel good.
Boy.: Nose

Ms Juliet: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy.: Arrow

Ms Juliet: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of
heat and excitement?
Boy.: Firetruck

Ms Juliet: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u dont get it u
have to use ur hand.
Boy.: Fork

Ms Juliet: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than
on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after
they're married?
Boy.: SURNAME

Ms Juliet: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of
veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy.: HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,

"Send this Boy to IIM Ahmedabad, or Harvard I got the last ten questions wrong
myself!"

2007-06-21 21:42:22 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A twosome was about to tee off on the tenth hole, which was located near the main road. As they were about to hit their shots, a funeral procession came by. The golfer that was about to his his tee shot stopped, took off his hat and bowed his head in respect until the procession had passed.

When he was ready to tee off again, his partner said," That was a really nice thing you did."

"Well... it was the least I could do...," he replied,






"I was married to her for thirty years."

2007-06-21 21:38:57 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

The man got very angry and threw the parrot in the freezer. Next morning he felt sorry, so he opened the freezer and was astonished to see the parrot hot and sweaty. He asked what happened. The parrot replied, "Do you have any idea how hard it is to open frozen chicken legs?!!"

2007-06-21 21:37:25 · 11 answers · asked by the_little_one_said 3

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.The two approached each other a bit shyly , but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes with grins on their faces."You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking conspiratorially.Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll **** on it's head."

2007-06-21 21:28:34 · 9 answers · asked by Tellerofawesomejokes 3

You were taking bath at a public bath ,50 yards away from your apartment,with no communication system and no phone booth there,and a mad person ,came over ,pick your clothes,towel,everything with you ,left you only with soap dish ,what will you do?

2007-06-21 21:25:08 · 16 answers · asked by Silvia 1

Bernard Manning, at the Pearly Gates, Oi Pete, he says, Wheres that lot off, to points queue of people leaving, Oh said St Peter, Tony Hancock said you had gone to Hell.
Is it offensive,is it a joke, answers on the back of a £20 note to.......

2007-06-21 21:06:29 · 6 answers · asked by "Call me Dave" 5

two of my friend's, Alex and Holly, are going to Africa on a safari holiday. Wanting to be prepared, I went shopping with Alex to buy supplies while Holly was at work. We went to the sport goods shop and Alex saw a great pair of trainers for £100. "Why on earth are you spending all that money on them anyway Alex?" I asked her. She said "Well, I'll need to be able to run fast in case we meet a hungry lion."
"Alex," I said, "you're never going to be able to out run a lion."
"I know," she replied, "but I'll be able to out run Holly"

2007-06-21 21:01:40 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary


Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

2007-06-21 20:55:14 · 24 answers · asked by Cat burgler 5

An American redneck decides to go ice fishing do he goes out on the ice with his tent and his ice pick. He starts to pick away at the ice when he hears a loud disembodied voice that says "THERE'S NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.!" he looks around and sees no one so he carries on picking at the ice. Again the voice says "THERE'S NO FISH UNDER THE ICE" he looks around again sees no one and carries on picking at the ice, again the voice says "THERE'S NO FISH UNDER THE ICE " he stops and looks up saying "God is that you.?" and the disembodied voice say's "NO THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK."

2007-06-21 20:48:45 · 20 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A woman went to her shrink because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?" "Well, yes, I actually did once." "And how did your husband look?" "Angry, very angry."

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.

Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?"

"He was looking through the window at us!"

2007-06-21 20:40:45 · 11 answers · asked by FINN 3

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it.
They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.

2007-06-21 20:36:21 · 14 answers · asked by FINN 3

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.

"What's wrong dearest??" asked the confused husband.

"Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bedm, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do???"

"Well," replied the man...
"I guess a spanking is out of the question?"

2007-06-21 20:31:59 · 11 answers · asked by FINN 3

One fine morning,when you woke up,you discover that you can fly even if without wings.

2007-06-21 20:11:39 · 7 answers · asked by lancenelson 3

Three businessmen are on a trip and share a hotel room for the
evening. The bill comes to 30 dollars (it's a cheap hotel) so each
businessman pays his even share - 10 dollars. They head up to their
room and the cashier realizes he's made a mistake. He forgot that
there's a special rate for the evening and that he should have only
charged the businessmen 25 dollars (it's a REALLY cheap hotel). The
cashier then instructs the bellboy to run up to the room and refund the
5 dollars to the businessmen. With his incredible insight, the bellboy
realizes that the businessmen cannot easily split the 5 dollars between
the 3 of them. So instead he pockets 2 dollars and returns 3 dollars to
the businessmen. The 3 dollars is returned and each businessman gets a
dollar back. At this point each businessman has payed 9 dollars out of his
own pocket, making a grand total of 27 dollars paid for the room.
Combine that with the 2 dollars that the bellboy kept yields 29 dollars.
So, where's the missing dollar?

2007-06-21 20:03:51 · 8 answers · asked by Bud S 1

2007-06-21 19:15:28 · 38 answers · asked by Anonymous

At school the teacher ask a boy named jonny to tell her the 3 first letters of the alphabet . so he went home and ask ed his sister how was talking on the phone and asked whats that first letter of the alphabet?His sister said shu* up. so then he went to his dad and asked what is the second letter of the alphabet ? His dad said Yes Yes Yes (he was watching a football game) then he went to his brother who was watching batman. What is the third letter of the alphabet?His brother said ta dah!batman! then the next day he went back to school n his teacher said what r the first 3letters of the alphabet?Jonny said:shu* up .then the teacher said what??? do u wanna go to the princebell? his said yes yes yes! then then teacher asked who DO u think u r?? his answered :Ta dah!Batman!

2007-06-21 19:15:10 · 8 answers · asked by Maboroshi 3

2007-06-21 19:12:41 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

So a blond, a brunette and a redhead die and at the stairway to heaven god tells them, " There is 100 steps on the stair way to heaven, on everystep, i will tell you a joke, if you laugh, you will go to hell."

So the three agree and start up the stairs.

On the 1st step the brunette bursts out laughing! Sadly she is sent to hell.

half way up on the 53rd step the redhead bursts out laughing! Sadly, she is sent to hell.

Finaly the blond makes it to the 99th step and befor god could tell her a joke she burst out laughing hysterically.

God is confused and said to the blonde: "Wait a minuet, i didnt even tell you a joke, why are you laughing so hard?!"

And then the blonde replies: "I just got the first joke."


LMAO I love this one. (I dont mean to offend blondes or anything, i just love this joke.)

Get it, the first joke? 99 steps befor? Lol.

2007-06-21 19:02:45 · 8 answers · asked by ][Eric][ AKA Just a question][ 2

what was the best practical joke you ever did...

(please nothing perverted)

2007-06-21 19:02:38 · 5 answers · asked by clara 2

Here are some clues...

1. Its not common
2. It starts with a D
3. Ends with an E
4. And after the D it has '
5. Its French
6. Not including the ' its 4 letters long.....


How ever gets i will love forever and will get top answer good luck.....

2007-06-21 18:57:18 · 13 answers · asked by Kersten 1

This was a conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian

authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in late 1995.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south
to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north
to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees
to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second
largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We
are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers
and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change
your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's
one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be
undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship!

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

LMAO

2007-06-21 18:53:39 · 7 answers · asked by ][Eric][ AKA Just a question][ 2

So one day this guy goes to the docter and gets some tests done and leaves.

The verry next day the docter calls with the test results

The docter says "I have some bad news and some worst news."

The guy takes a deep sigh and says "Ok docter, whats the bad news."

the docter replies "You only have one day to live"

The guy confused about what oculd be worst asks "Ok so then whats the worst news?"

And the docter replies "I forgot to call you yesterday."


LMAO Get it?

2007-06-21 18:33:04 · 23 answers · asked by ][Eric][ AKA Just a question][ 2

there was a group of people found in a cabin in the middle of the woods. they were all found dead. how did they die?

2007-06-21 18:30:17 · 18 answers · asked by clara 2

2 or 3 slices?

2007-06-21 18:29:50 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ok, so 3 army men are in an airplain about to jump out with a parachute. But befor they do they have an idia, everyone drops something that means something. So the first guy drops a rock and says "I love my life" the second drops an apple and says "I love my family" and third drops a bomb saying "i love my country. Each jumps out.

When the first man makes it to the ground he sees a kid crying, he says "why are you crying little boy?" the boy replies "a rock just hit me in the head!"

The second lands and sees another little boy crying, he asks the boy "why are you crying little boy?" the boy replies "a apple just hit me on my head.

So the third just lands and sees a boy laughing really hard, so the man asks him 'Why are you laughing so hard little boy?"

and this little boy replies: "I just farted and the house behind me blew up!"



LMAO another classic.

2007-06-21 18:28:04 · 11 answers · asked by ][Eric][ AKA Just a question][ 2