Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

Hey baby, i'm a doctor, i don't make house calls, but for you, i could make a booty call.

2007-06-21 05:15:25 · 15 answers · asked by Grilled cheese lover 2

If you come early, the bus is late.

If you come late?? the bus is still late.

Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.

When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.

If you have paper, you don't have a pen??. If you have a pen, you don't have paper?? if you have both, no one calls.


Especially for engg. Students----
If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.

You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.

The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.

After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.

Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker.

2007-06-21 05:13:53 · 7 answers · asked by aryan 1

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is
It true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin
People to git cancer ?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer
makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all Them burgers
an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba."
"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she Was
gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"
"Yep."
"And that football player sued that university when he
Gradiated and still couldn't read?"
"That's right," said the lawyer."
"But why are you asking?"
"Well, I was thinkin . . ..
What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all
them ugly women I slept with?"

2007-06-21 05:09:47 · 8 answers · asked by cubby 3

i'm sorry if this one gets posted a lot, i just started checking the jokes section

anyways...

3 blondes are stuck on an island. a genie comes and says 'i will grant u each one wish'

the first one said 'I wish i was a brunet!' she turned 50% smarter, tried to build a boat to get off the island but died

the second one says 'i wish i was a red head!' turns 75% smarter, tries to build a boat to get off the island, but dies.

the third blonde is thinking really hard about wat she should wish for. finally, she comes up with something.

'I wish i was a man!' then she crossed the bridge

2007-06-21 04:58:31 · 11 answers · asked by random bailey 5

A woman who was unhappy in her marriage was walking along the beach one day and came across a magic lamp. She picked it up and out came a genie! The genie granted her 3 wishes, however, what ever she wished for came true for her husband 10 times over.
For her 1st wish, she wished she were beautiful. POOF! She was beautiful...and her husband turned so handsome he made women faint!
For the 2nd wish she wished for a million dollars. The genie reminded her that her husband would have 10 million dollars if she wished for one. "that's okay, it's community property,I'll get half of it" POOF! She was a millionaire, and her husband was a multi-millionaire!
The genie told her she has only 1 wish left and her husband will benefit 10-fold , so be careful what she wishes for. She thought for a few minutes, smiled, and said, "I wish for a mild heart attack"

2007-06-21 04:53:56 · 16 answers · asked by Grilled cheese lover 2

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I
can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers
and said, "About 2 hours. The guy left. A few days later, the same guy
stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a
haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, About 3 hours. The guy
left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop
and said, About an hour and half. The guy left. The barber turned to a
friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see
where he
goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then
he doesn't ever come back." A little while later, Bill returned to the
shop,
>laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go
when he leaves?" Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your
house."

2007-06-21 04:42:00 · 13 answers · asked by Rick S 3

A software engineer met his end and found himself at the Pearly Gates. The Gatekeeper greeted him and tallied the score. "Your record is pretty good, Mr. Programmer. Your sins and your good deeds just about balance out. Tell you what - you may have your own choice of either Heaven or Hell." The engineer, weary of design tradeoffs and wary of uninformed decisions, asked for more details.

"Sure," replied the Gatekeeper. Here is the elevator. You can ride up and see Heaven and down to see Hell. Take your time and make your choice. But choose wisely, there is no turning back!" So the engineer rode the elevator up and took a look at Heaven. He saw the angels playing on their harps and the beatific look on the faces of the faithful, blissfully flitting back and forth among the clouds. "Well, that looks about like what I expected," he said to himself. "Let's go take a look at the alternative." So he rode down the elevator to the floor labelled "HELL" and looked around there. To his delight he found sandy beaches, beautiful women, snow-capped mountains in the background, and parties going on all over.

Returning to the Gates, he had no problem informing the Gatekeeper of his decision. "Heaven looks fine, but pretty boring to me. Hell is what I have always dreamed of! Let me in." The Gatekeeper handed him an entry pass and the engineer went back down the elevator to take his place in Hell. But to his surprise, the sun had gone out, the snow had melted and the parties were over. There was fire and brimstone, snakepits swarming with vipers, fiends torturing sinners, and devils tormenting babies. "Wait!" he cried as two monsters hauled him off to the chambers of eternal agony.

"What happened to the beach parties, fun and sunshine I saw before?" "Oh," replied the Devil. "That was just the demo."

........... and the moral of the story is: with a good marketing department, you can sell anything

2007-06-21 04:35:24 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast, bacon, eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? A buttery muffin? Grapefruit with ginger and coffee to follow?

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with (mmmm) a cheese sandwich? Perhaps a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

Come tea time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. Maybe a red pudding or a steak pie? Maybe he'd like a pizza microwaved? Or a tasty stir fry that would only take a couple of minutes?

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well," she says, "would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving!"

2007-06-21 04:26:21 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"

2007-06-21 04:23:20 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

2007-06-21 03:52:12 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

hi i did the race for life run at haigh hall yesterday has any other of u ladies done one it took me 45 mins to do the 5k course didnt run all the way though today im knackered

2007-06-21 03:51:23 · 5 answers · asked by michelle t 2

The good:
You have finally worked up the courage to give your teenage daughter 'the talk'.

The bad:
She keeps interrupting...

The UGLY:
With corrections.

2007-06-21 03:31:42 · 12 answers · asked by - Tudor Gothic Serpent - 6

NEW INVENTIONS BY BLONDES:

The water-proof towel

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Solar powered flashlight

Submarine screen door

A book on how to read

Inflatable dart board

A dictionary index

Powdered water

Pedal powered wheel chair

Water proof tea bags

Zero proof alcohol

Reusable ice cubes

Skinless bananas

Do it yourself roadmap

2007-06-21 03:30:29 · 28 answers · asked by naruto fan 3

theirs a guy at a bar and he had been drinkin its 2 in the morning and wants to go home he trais to get up but can't so drags himself out.....around the corner he trais again but fails........outside his home he trays onces more but again fails.....goes in and his wife is waiting for him on the couch "I see you've been drinking again" "no honey what gave you that idea" "because once again you forgot your wheelchair"

2007-06-21 03:26:30 · 8 answers · asked by MeXbAbY 1

A farmer is sitting in a bar getting drunk.A man came and asked the farmer,"Hey,why you sitting here getting drunk,
The farmer shook his head and said"something's you can't explain."
"so what happend asked the man."
"Well,"the farmer said,"today i was sitting milking my cow,just as i got the bucket half full,she lifted her left leg and kicked it over."
"Okay." but that's not so bad.
"sometime's there are things you can't explain.
"so what happend"the man asked.
The farmer said,"I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
"And then?"
"Well,i sat down and began to milk.just as i got it bout full.she knocked it over with her right leg."
the man laughed,"Again?"
"like i said somethings you can't explain."
"So I tied her right leg to the right post."
"And again?
"she knocked it over with her tail this time."
"and?"
"well there was no more rope so i used my belt,tied the tail up,my trousers fell down and the wife walked in,"
something's just can't be explain!

2007-06-21 03:23:05 · 13 answers · asked by "!" 5

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

2007-06-21 03:23:03 · 10 answers · asked by naruto fan 3

>> When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was > >>very
attracted to him,> >> and during her questions about his life, she
asked him
how he had sex?> >>> >> Tarzan not know sex" he replied.> >>> >> Jane
explained to him what sex was.> >>> >> Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use
knot
hole in trunk of tree."> >>> >> Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have
it all
wrong, but I will show you > >>how to do it properly."> >>> >> She took
off
her clothing and laid down on the ground.> >>> >> "Here" she said,
pointing
to her privates, "you must put it in here."> >>> >> Tarzan removed his
loin
cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,> >> stepped closer to her
and
kicked her in the crotch!> >>> >> Jane rolled around in agony for what
seemed like an eternity.> >>> >> Eventually she managed to grasp for
air and
screamed "What did you do > >>that for?"> >>> >> Tarzan replied, "check
for
squirrel.">

2007-06-21 02:26:31 · 30 answers · asked by FINN 3

A guy is walking into the doctor's office when a nun comes running out screaming and crying.

The guy walks in and say, "Doc, what's with the nun?"

The doctor says, "Oh, I just told her she was pregnant."

The guy says, "The nun's pregnant?"

The doctor says, "No. But it certainly cured her hiccups."

2007-06-21 02:25:51 · 13 answers · asked by Akilesh - Internet Undertaker 7

A woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight. He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs." Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines! True story.... Have a great day and remember... THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.

2007-06-21 02:24:25 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Irish Pasty.

2007-06-21 02:15:11 · 12 answers · asked by Paul T 4

Practical ways to make a real differance to your life!



Car thieves:
Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view.
All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.


Depressed people:
Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

Motorists:
Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.
Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

Jeremy Beadle:
When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.

Shoes last twice as long if only worn every other day.

Single men:

Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

2007-06-21 01:49:07 · 4 answers · asked by Coach 2

I never was, am always to be,
No one ever saw me, nor ever will,
And yet I am the confidence of all
To live and breathe on this terrestrial ball.

2007-06-21 01:11:46 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Colin came home from the pub late one Friday evening
stinking drunk,
as he
often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who
was already asleep.


He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at
the end of his bed
wearing
a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Colin, "and what
are you doing in my
bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your
bedroom and I'm St
Peter".
Colin was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't
be, I have so much
to
live for, I haven't said goodbye to my
family....you've got to send

me
back
straight away".


St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but
there is a catch.
We
can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Colin was devastated, but knowing there was a farm
not far from his
house,
he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light
later he was
covered
in
feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.


"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this
strange feeling
welling
up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So
you're the new hen,
how
are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Colin, "but I have this
strange feeling
inside
like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't
tell me you've never
laid

an egg before". "Never" replies Colin "Well just
relax and let it
happen"


And so he did and after a few uncomfortable
seconds later, an egg
pops
out
from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief
swept over him and
his
emotions got the better of him as he experienced
motherhood for the
first
time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of
happiness was
overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as
a hen was the best
thing that ever happened to him...ever!!!



The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay
his third egg he
felt
an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard
his wife shouting




"Colin, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you're
sh*tting in the bed"

2007-06-21 00:58:16 · 5 answers · asked by tinta 2

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his
sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.





When it comes to controlling money woman are smarter then men.

2007-06-21 00:46:35 · 23 answers · asked by nothing 5

Joe and John were identical twins.

Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.

One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it.

He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery.

A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her."

"She was a rotten old thing from the beginning."

"Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish."

"She was always
holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too."

"Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time."

"I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad, but they wanted her anyway."

"The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."

The old woman fainted.

2007-06-21 00:39:12 · 8 answers · asked by tre 3

The National Poetry Contest had come down to the final two contestants, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then they were allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word that they were given was "Timbuktu."
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu. The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited: Me and Tim a huntin' went. Met three women in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two, So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

2007-06-21 00:24:06 · 4 answers · asked by Tellerofawesomejokes 3

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"He answers, " You see, it's like this... yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; because it's soooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."

2007-06-21 00:22:21 · 5 answers · asked by Tellerofawesomejokes 3

A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as different emotions e.g. fear etc . On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as? And the guy says,"e; I'm green with NV The host replies, brilliant, come on in and have a drink A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts. He says to this woman Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as? She replies, I'm tickled pink.The host says, I love it, come on in and join the party. A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, standing stark naked one with his knob in a bowl of custard, and the other with his knob stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, Well, what the hell are you both doing? You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street like that. Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be? Paddy replies, Well, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick here has just come in despair.

2007-06-21 00:21:09 · 5 answers · asked by Tellerofawesomejokes 3

One day a friend was visiting another farmers farm when he came across a cross eyed donkey.The farmers friend said Iknow how to fix this, get me a hose.So the farmer grabbed a garden hose and gave it to his friend.
The friend then stuffed one end of the hose up the donkeys *** and grabbed the opposite end and blew into it.
Amazingly the donkyes eyes went straight for the duration of the blow,but soon went back to being crossed after blowing air up the donkyes ***.The friend blew and blew over and over and soon the donkey was just about cured and only needed a couple more bursts of air to permanently be cured.So the friend turned to the farmer and said take over .The hyperventilated friend move so the other farmer could take over,
Then to his amazement of the friend thefarmer took the hose from the donkeys *** and turned it around and stuffed it back in and started blowing,What the hell are you doing...The farmer said ,"I dont want to put the same end in my mouth that you did!",

2007-06-21 00:15:59 · 12 answers · asked by "!" 5

It was used in a comercial for Prison Break and me and my lil sister have a bet on the lyrics, but if we knew the artist we could get the lyrics... anyway it goes like this...

White boys never survive, white boys only die.

but my sis says it goes like this:

White boys, never close your eyes, white boys always die...

2007-06-21 00:13:39 · 4 answers · asked by Candlelight 1