Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"

"I would love to," replied the husband, "But I don't know her well enough."
.................................
The morning after their honeymoon, the wife says to her husband, "You know, you're a really lousy lover."

The husband replies, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?"
.........................


Two women were talking, when one said to the other: "Do you ever talk to your husband when you're making love?"

"Yeah," replied the second, "But only when he telephones!"

2007-06-21 00:11:31 · 3 answers · asked by Conan 3

At the interview he gets asked by the manager "Do you have any unusual disabilities?"
He replies "Well...I suppose....I fought in the Vietnam War, and spent some time in a POW camp....when they tortured me, they cut off my t3sticles."
The manager says "Oh that sounds terrible!"
Then he offers the guy the job and says "The hours are 8am until 4pm Monday to Friday, I'll see you on Monday morning at 9am."
"Why 9am, if it's 8am until 4pm?" the guy asks.
"Simple" says the manager "this is a government job. We come in at 8am and sit around for an hour scratching our b@lls. There's no point in you coming in for that!"

2007-06-20 23:46:45 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

These are suggestions for women responding to pick up lines:

'Male: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put I and U togather
Female: Oh really, because if I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put F and U together.'

'Male: Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
Female: did it hurt when they kicked you out of hell??'

'He says "Where have you been all my life"
She says "Hiding from you....how the hell did you find me?"

'Male: I would die for you...
Female: Prove it'

'Male: I'm all you've got good lookin'
Female: then I must not have alot'

'Male: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Female: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore'

'Male: So what do you do for a living?
Female: Female impersonator.'

'Male: "Is this seat empty?"
Female: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

'Male: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Female: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

2007-06-20 22:55:33 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bra Sizes

Ever wonder why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?

A - Almost

B - Better

C - Cute

D - Damn good

E - Enormous

F - Fake


PS. . .

... they should add a new size for the over 50 group.



G - Gone South !

2007-06-20 22:47:14 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

I live in a house which walls all face in the direction of South.A bear walks pass my house.What's the color of the bear?

2007-06-20 22:45:30 · 6 answers · asked by MaximasPrime 2

2007-06-20 22:31:47 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-20 22:31:17 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous.

But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairylegs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."

So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."

2007-06-20 22:27:10 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as different emotions. The first guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N & V painted on his chest.

"Wow, great outfit, what have you come as?"

"I'm green with NV" says the guest.

The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in."

The next guest arrives and the host
opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts.

"Wow, great outfit, what have you come as?"

She replies, "I'm tickled pink." The host says, "I love it, come on in."

Later the doorbell goes, and the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, They are standing naked one with his knob in a bowl of custard, and the other with his knob stuck in a pear.

"What the hell is this supposed to be?!?!"

Paddy replies, "Well, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick here has just come in despair"

2007-06-20 21:58:45 · 12 answers · asked by Michael G 2

A small wimpy man sitting in a bar minding his own business was enjoying his drink when a big ully type comes an sits next to him. Sizing the lil guy up he suddenly let fly a karate chop catching the poor guy by surprise and floors him. Getting up, he says "What was that for??" The big guy says Karate...From Japan.. Letting that go the lil guy sits himself back again and has barely taken a sip when Wham! another blow floors him... He looks at his antagoniser and asks ....what was that for??? The guy replies....Savate from France.... This goes on for a while and the lil guy gets up and leaves... A while later he comes back and creeping up silently behind the big guy lands a blow on his head which completely knocks him out cold.... says the little guy to the barkep...."When he comes to, tell him it was a crowbar from Sears!!!"

2007-06-20 21:54:31 · 1 answers · asked by Tellerofawesomejokes 3

A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500. So, they spent the night together.

In the morning, before he left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment."

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a check for $250 and enclosed a note:

"Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1. It had never been occupied;
2. There was plenty of heat;
3. It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."

2007-06-20 21:33:44 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young army private was home on leave. He was talking to his father about his experience at jump school while learning to be a paratrooper.

"Father" he says, "on my first jump, I froze up at the door of the plane. A big black master sergent standing behind me told me that if I didn''t jump, he was gonna cram all 12 inches of dick up my ***."

"Well, did you jump?" asks the father.

To which the son replied, "Just a little at first"

2007-06-20 21:13:48 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Prince Charles finds an ancient wine bottle in the cellar of Windsor Castle. When he opens it a genie
flys out and grants him a wish.

Charles is ecstatic as just that morning he had reversed his Range Rover over the Queen's favourite corgi and squashed it flat. He asks the genie to bring back the dog to life as the Queen would be furious and upset. The genie examines the dog which is splattered all over the drive and tells Charles that there is nothing he can do so he'd best chuck the dog in the dustbin.

Charles then asks the genie if he could make his girlfriend Cammilla Parker-Bowles beautiful as the
media were always poking s**t at her looks.

The genie thinks for a moment scratches his head and says "On second thoughts get that f***ing dog
out of the bin again"!!!

2007-06-20 21:05:43 · 13 answers · asked by leah 1

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered in another race and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S @SS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races.

The next day the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTOR'S @SS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor
to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline:

NUN HAS THE BEST @SS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey
so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the headlines read:

NUN SELLS @SS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run free.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER @SS IS WILD AND FREE.

Alas ... The Bishop was buried the next day.


MORAL OF THE STORY???

Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life.

So, be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's @ss and you'll live longer !!!

2007-06-20 20:35:08 · 14 answers · asked by PerFecT StrAngEr.. is back 6

A guy walks into a pharmacy (drugstore) and says:
“I’d like to buy 50 condoms”
Behind him – 2 girls start giggling.
He turns to them, looks at them for a second and then turns back to the pharmacist and replies:
“52!”.

From advertising:
For thrill-seekers and risk-amateurs – Try the new condoms Fifty-Fifty! Buy 5 and you receive a pram for free!

Whenever you go to the pharmacy to buy condoms, don’t forget to ask the pharmacist:
“OK, but do you have a room where I can try them on, I just don’t know if it’s my size.

(!) *Have sex. Have fun. Use a condom. Use a good one. (Hope you’re over 18 if you’re reading this:)* – The sex/fun/condom was not a joke by the way:)

Don’t forget to *STAR* (only if funny)+ tell me if you’ve heard any of them B4 if you got the time.

2007-06-20 20:30:13 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Any ideas where I can find a Magnet that says that? I saw the t shirt, but don't want it on a T Shirt. A magnet or on paper would be funny. Ideas?

2007-06-20 20:18:31 · 3 answers · asked by msmicki7777 2

why did the turtle cross the road???????????



to get to the shell station

2007-06-20 20:04:39 · 8 answers · asked by how u doin 1

The Ranchers Wife

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night He returned around 2:30 a m, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow
sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off
my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"

2007-06-20 19:51:56 · 10 answers · asked by PixmaDude 1

a blonde and brunette walk in an elevator together and a cute guy walks in
but the problem is that he has really bad dandruff
so as he walk out the brunette giggles and says he cute but has bad dandruff
and then says she needs to give him some head and shoulders
the blonde looks up at her and says it's a great idea but then she says "how do you give him shoulders though?"

2007-06-20 19:27:44 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-20 18:52:59 · 6 answers · asked by Josh B 1

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him and, as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," then turns to the ostrich."What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man.

"Same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."

Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I'd just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress then asks, "One other thing, Sir. What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

2007-06-20 18:42:17 · 6 answers · asked by Cannibal 4

often talked of, never seen
ever coming, never been
daily looked for, never here
still approaching, coming near
thousands for its visit wait
but alas for their fate
tho' they expect me to appear
they will never find me here

what am i?

2007-06-20 18:41:20 · 10 answers · asked by mozartrox811 2

2007-06-20 18:36:49 · 18 answers · asked by tsukuyamae 1

The parents of a Northwestern student who just headed back from holiday received this letter:

Dear Mom and Dad:

Univer$ity life i$ $o wonderful! Cla$$e$ this $e$$ion are intere$ting, my cla$$mate$ are the be$t!

But after $pending all my ca$h on Chri$tma$ pre$ent$, I am in a little need for $ome $pending money for book$ and $uch. But don't want to $end the wrong $ignal$ home.

Love Your $on

After deliberating a while, this was the draft of their appropriate response:

Dear Son:

NOt much to NOtice here on the NOrth side of town since you left for NOrthwestern. NObody doing NOthing NOble.

Enjoyed having you home for Thanksgiving in NOvember and Christmas. NOthing is the same since you left.

Loved your NOte; write aNOther one when you have time.

Have to go NOw.

Mom & Dad

2007-06-20 18:31:16 · 3 answers · asked by sweetxoblivion 2

A bus driver is making his usual rounds when he picks up a young, 6 year old girl, who sits in the seat right behind the bus driver. While the driver is driving, she starts to talk to the driver about what she would be if two animals combined, like "If my mommy was a horse and my daddy was a donkey, i'd be a mule!" etc etc. Eventually, the bus driver gets really mad at the little girl, and yells at her "IF YOUR DAD WAS RETARDED AND YOUR MOM WAS A PROSTITUTE, WHAT WOULD YOU BE? HUH?!" and the little girl says "A bus driver"

2007-06-20 18:18:22 · 12 answers · asked by THE ROCK 3

2007-06-20 18:14:34 · 19 answers · asked by cheryle 1

With the numbers 123456789, make them add up to 100. They must stay in the same order. You can use addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division. Remember, they have to stay in the same order !!!

2007-06-20 18:09:14 · 4 answers · asked by cheryle 1

is swimming a breaststroke race and the finish line is 2 miles away.30 minutes later the brunette finishes the race first.then 50 minutes later,the red head comes and is second.5 HOURS later the blonde comes and finishes last.A reporter that was at the finish line ask the blonde"What took you soo long?" the blonde said "i dunno but i think the others were using thier arms...."
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Have you heard about the blonde at the zoo get arrested?She bought a McDonalds cup and it said on the cup To look under the seal to see if you won a prize.

2007-06-20 18:01:23 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do you give a pig with a sprained ankle

Does anybody know? I don't want to pay "Last Comic Standing" 99 cents.

2007-06-20 17:13:49 · 15 answers · asked by Turd Ferguson 2

Make an interesting sentence using the above words.

2007-06-20 17:05:43 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous