Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

you know what they say about catching a cold in the army. you should of stayed out of the draft.

2007-06-20 10:51:02 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok im on number 79 the question says "the answer is a horseshoe" and its timed, i looked up the answers and so far they are all right but the answer to 79 just says U and im really confused i dont see a U on the page at all, can someone please help ill choose a best answer.

2007-06-20 10:40:18 · 9 answers · asked by doug_butabi_238 1

im clicking on the dudes eye and a thing is forming in his mouth but i still keep exploding!

2007-06-20 10:39:59 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Wife: Wat would u do if i died? wud u get married again?
Husband: Definitely not!
Wife: Why not- don't u lyk being married?
Husband: Of course i do.
Wife: Then why wouldn't u remarry?
Husband:Okay. I'd get married then.
Wife: U would?
Husband: (groan)
Wife: Would u sleep with her in our bed?
Husband: I've never evn thought about it, but where else would we sleep?
Wife: Would u replace my pictures with hers?
Husband: I can't imagine why you're asking me questions like this, but that would seem like proper thing to do.
Wife: Would she use my golf clubs?
Husband: No, she's left-handed.
Wife: (silence)
Husband: (s**t!)


If u lyk it, give me a star. if not, its ok.

2007-06-20 10:07:48 · 19 answers · asked by Roanour B 2

Got this from a friend, don't know how old it is or how long it has been going around. Hope it makes you laugh and if you heard it before I hope you laugh as hard this time as you did the 1st time you read it. Enjoy!!

TEXAS CHILI COOK-OFF

Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Matt, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Matt: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI #1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge #1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge #2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge #3 (Matt) -- Holy s**t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI #2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge #1 -- Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge #3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI #3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI.
Judge #1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great! kick.

Judge #2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge #3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s**t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI #4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge #1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge #2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge #3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI #5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge #1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge #2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge #3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

CHILI #6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...!
Judge #1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge #2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers! , onions and garlic. Superb.

Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I s**t on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a*s with a snow cone.

CHILI #7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge #1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge #2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge #3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just such it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI #8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge #1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its' existence.

Judge #2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge #3 -- No Report

2007-06-20 09:38:00 · 10 answers · asked by helpnout 6

Then multiplied it by another persons hair and kept goin all around the world, How much hair would you get?

2007-06-20 09:28:52 · 15 answers · asked by jake mills 2

A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an aeroplane. The next day, he phone his dad to give him the news.

"So did you jump?" the dad asked.

"Well let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the Sargeant opened the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane."

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the dad.

"Urm not yet. Then the Sargeant satarted to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out."

"Did you jump then?" the dad asked.

"I'm getting to that.Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last on the plane. I told the Sargeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off or he'll kick my a*se."

"So did you jump?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed the door and refuse to go.

2007-06-20 08:55:08 · 25 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

What kind of laxative can i use to do a joke on my friend? How many times will he go to the restroom?

2007-06-20 08:42:30 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Billy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty dollars . ."she whispers.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides, what the hell, it's only twenty bucks.
So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them . it's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," Billy answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," Billy says, "neither did I, until you shined that light in her face".

2007-06-20 08:40:11 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

my wife came out of the shower and looked at herself in the mirror and said''look at me i am getting old my bum is sagging as well as my boobs and i am getting fatter cant you pay me a compliment''
i said ''your eyesight is perfect my darling''

later i came out of the shower and looked at myself in the mirror and said''babe look at me 180lbs of pure dynamite''
she said ''yes its a pity about the short fuse though''

2007-06-20 08:39:18 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

A ventriloquist (puppet master.. if u dont undrstnd luk in d dictionary) visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. he figures he'll hve a little fun, so he says to the Welshman, "Can I talk to ur dog?"
Villgr:The dog doesnt talk, u stupid git.
Vnt..:Hello dog, how's it goin mate?
Dog:Doin alright.
Vill..:(look of extreme shock)
Vnt..:Is this bloke ur owner?
Dog:Yep.
Vnt..:How does he treat u?
Dog:Quite well. He walks me 2x a day, feeds me great fud, and tkes me to the lake once a week to play.
Villager:(luk of utter disbelief)
Vntrlquist:Mind if i talk to ur horse?
Vllger:The horse doesnt talk either..as far as i know.
Vntrlquist:Hey horse, how's it goin?
Horse:Cool.
Vllger:(absolutely dumbfounded)
Vntrlquist:Hw does he treat u?
Horse:Good. he rides me regulrly, brushes me down oftn, and keeps me in barn to protect me from d weather.
Vent..:Mind if i talk to ur sheep?
Vill..:(in panick)the sheep's a f**king liar!!

2007-06-20 08:27:40 · 15 answers · asked by Roanour B 2

There was a young man who really took care of his body. He lifted
weights and jogged six miles a day. One day, he looked in the mirror and
noticed he was tan all over except his "thingie" so he decided to do
something about it. He went to the beach, completely undressed and
buried himself in the sand, except for his thingie, which he left
sticking up in the sand.

Two old ladies were walking on the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing
the "thingie" sticking up in the sand, she began to move it around with
her cane, remarking to the other lady, "There is no justice in the
world."

The other lady asked her what she meant.

She replied:

"When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
Now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm
too old to squat."

2007-06-20 08:02:26 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

Artificial Intelligence

2007-06-20 08:01:56 · 15 answers · asked by Vinteal 4

the wise man is sure of it
the fool knows it
the rich man wants it
the greatest hero fears it
if you eat it you'll die

what is it?

2007-06-20 07:53:07 · 9 answers · asked by mozartrox811 2

Davie walks into a bar and sees his friend Norm slumped over the bar. Davie walks over and asks Norm what's wrong.

"Well," replies Norm, "You know that gorgeous girl at work that I told you I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Davie.

"Well," says Norm, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Davie, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Norm,"But I was worried i'd get an erection again. So, I got some duct tape out of my garage and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did get a woody, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible." says Davie.

"So I get to her door,"says Norm,"and rang her doorbell. She answered in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

Norm slumps back over the bar again. "I kicked her in the face."

2007-06-20 07:30:47 · 19 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

Just curious...

2007-06-20 07:17:34 · 11 answers · asked by whateva 2

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?", like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

She will be eligible for parole in about three years.

2007-06-20 06:44:47 · 17 answers · asked by Roxy 3

they both get to smell the box but not taste it

2007-06-20 06:12:41 · 21 answers · asked by clark kent 3

2007-06-20 05:41:34 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 Work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads: Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it, but it was hard to tell from all the blood.

PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

2007-06-20 05:29:57 · 6 answers · asked by ? 3

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a Million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old Man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly. WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!

Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the Old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old Man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror".

2007-06-20 05:26:19 · 13 answers · asked by ? 3

If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?

"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"

Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear?

Which way does a compass point in space?

Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?

Why is it that when babies are born they only weigh like 7 lbs yet the mom weighs 30 lbs more than usual while pregnant?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

If you were born exactly on 12:00 midnight on December 31st – January 1st, which year would you say you were born in?

When you see the weather report and it says "partly cloudy" and then the next day it says "partly sunny"; what’s the difference?

What happens when you say “hi” to your friend on an airplane who's name is Jack?

2007-06-20 05:25:42 · 3 answers · asked by Akilesh - Internet Undertaker 7

....guilt is setting......in...feel bad...

Should I?

There were no deadlines to meet!

2007-06-20 05:04:43 · 12 answers · asked by ShoCh 5

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself", and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry." The policeman fainted....

2007-06-20 04:55:32 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

A city slicker wanted to buy a farm. He found just what he was looking for. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.

He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.

The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.

Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.

An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor guy slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked if he had been stung.

The city fella looked up and weakly said, "No... the bees never touched me - but doesn't that calf have a mother!?!"

2007-06-20 04:51:34 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

whats the answer to Weff's Riddle # 11?
I have no clue to what it is please help first one to give me correct answer get 10 points

2007-06-20 04:37:16 · 7 answers · asked by pizzalover 2

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar. The pirate has a peg-leg, a hook and an eye patch. "How'd you end up with a peg-leg?" asks the sailor. "I was swept overboard in a storm," says the pirate.
"A shark bit off me whole leg."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?"

"We were boarding an enemy ship, battling the other sailors with swords. One of them cut me

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "And the eye patch?" "A seagull dropping fell in me eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

Said the pirate.
"It was the first day with the hook."

2007-06-20 04:29:54 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-20 04:16:28 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have nothing to say, just star if it's good. That seems to be what we do on here these days isn't it?

2007-06-20 04:12:33 · 17 answers · asked by markhatter 6

If it looks like a duck and moos like a duck then...........


it a frog!!!!!!!

2007-06-20 04:09:43 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous