Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

A man was on his deathbed and the most wonderful smell of his favorite kind of cookie came wafting up the stairs. Ever so weakly, he crawled off the bed and somehow made it downstairs to the kitchen. He slowly reached a hand up to the counter to take a cookie and his wife whacked it with a spatula and said, "Out of those! They're for the funeral!"

2007-06-20 04:03:26 · 21 answers · asked by Princess of Egypt 5

1. Pass My Shotgun
2.Psycotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly : Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff.

2007-06-20 03:48:10 · 20 answers · asked by Joe Ninety 2

How much corn Jimmy cracked. I cant believe someone would not care. Corn crackin is serious business. I mean afterall, if the guy did not care, why would he make a whole song about Jimmy crackin corn.

2007-06-20 03:46:54 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

i find it hard to believe that with a total of 100,000 sperm,george w bush was the fastest.let me know who you think would have to ask for directions to use the stairs

2007-06-20 03:38:30 · 15 answers · asked by majoti 5

Walking around sense, came from a real living Hill Billy called Rusty, and yer it meens common sense! I met Rusty in the mid 9tes. in Nashville tn. I lived there for around 3 year and just loved the way that they used difarant words. one of the best sayings for me was when one girl was cheering on her man, and shouted. "GO ON DO IT LIKE A BOY DOG" Does anyone else have any good sayings from other countrys? If you are a little confused look at my Profile.

2007-06-20 03:34:40 · 5 answers · asked by john brian w 1

what's best,text or e-mail him/her?

2007-06-20 03:31:56 · 20 answers · asked by majoti 5

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove
a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the
exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation
"I now pronounce you man and wife".

2007-06-20 03:30:37 · 21 answers · asked by moedrinks247365 2

Ok my cousin sent me this I thought it was funny a lil sterotypical but SOOOOOOOO True lol. It's a lil long but I know you will enjoy it, so read on!!

10 TRUTHS BLACK AND HISPANIC PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:

1. Elvis is dead.

2. Jesus was not White.

3. Rap music is here to stay

4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.

5. Skinny does not equal sexy.

6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.

7. A 5 year child is too big for a stroller.

8. N' SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5

9. An occasional BUTT whooping helps a child stay in line.

10. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.



10 TRUTHS WHITE AND BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT HISPANIC PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:



1. Hickey's are not attractive.

2. Chicken is food, not a roommate.

3. Jesus is not a name for your son.

4. Your country's flag is not a car decoration.

5. Maria is a name but not for every other daughter.

6. "Jump out and run" is not in any insurance policies.

7. 10 people to a car is considered too many.

8. Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad fashion statement.

9. Mami and Papi can't possibly be the nickname of every person in your family

10.Letting your children run wildly through the store is not normal.



10 TRUTHS WHITE AND HISPANIC PEOPLE KNOW, BUT BLACK PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:



1. O. J. did it.

2. Tupac is dead.

3. Teeth should not be decorated.

4. Weddings should start on time.

5. Your pastor doesn't know everything.

6. Jesse Jackson will never be President.

7. RED is not a kool-aid flavor, it's a color.

8. Church does not require expensive clothes.

9. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.

10.Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car

2007-06-20 03:27:51 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

here are 3 blonde jokes:

there are 3 girls (blonde, brunette, and redhead) and they are all eating lunch and all have a tuna sandwich. They all say that if their parents pack tuna again for lunch they will jump off te building. Sure enough the next day they have tuna and they jump off the school building. At their funeral the brunette and redhead's moms say they are so sorry, and they never knew that they didn't like tuna. The blonde's mom says, hey don't look at me she made her own lunch.

3 girls are stranded on an island (one blonde, redhead, and brunette) the blonde finds a bottle and opens it. Inside there is a jeanie. The redhead and brunette says i wish i was off the island. Then the blond says, well i am getting lonely I wish they were back to keep me company!

There is this blonde who walks into walmart and buys a TV. She gets bored with the TV because it only shows the color yellow. She returns it and tells the manager all her problems she had with it. Then the man

2007-06-20 03:26:58 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ronald Reagan's "Memories"

2007-06-20 03:26:01 · 12 answers · asked by moedrinks247365 2

what's the sound of a falling hair???

answer to follow in a couple of minutes....

2007-06-20 03:16:05 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm trying to find a joke I got by e-mail.
It's all evaluation quotes, and they are just the worse things you'd want to see in your evaluation..
Sorta like

"A wonder her was the first sperm to make it to the egg"

"Since he joined our company, he's been on an ascending spiral of failures"

"I've seen bags of nails create more sparks"

"He's been failing at a progressive rate"

"Shouldn't be allowed to breed"

Do you know where I can find more ?

2007-06-20 03:10:24 · 3 answers · asked by Tall Chick 2

A middele-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the dr., "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange...."
"Let me be the judge of that," the dr. replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning & heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet & when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"I see."
"That afternoon I went to the bathroom again &, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl."
"That night," she went on, "I went again, plink-plink-plink, & there were dimes & this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" She implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."
"You're simply going through the change!"

2007-06-20 03:08:05 · 6 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

One day God is in a really good mood and looks down from the heavens and sees a statue of a man and a statue of a woman in a park. He waves his hand and makes them human for 1 hour.

The male statue looks at the female statue and says, "Do you wanna do what I wanna do?"

The female statue says, "Oh yes..........Let's go..."

So they run off and after about 20 mins, they come back covered in sweat........and the male statue says, "Hey that was fun.......Do you wanna do that again?"

The female statue says, "Ok......but this time..........You hold the pigeons.........and i'll sh*t on em."

2007-06-20 02:58:03 · 19 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

A man was walking down a road, where a homeless guy saw him. The man walking down the road was wearing a hat made out of fox skin. The homeless dude asked him why he was wearing that weird hat, and the guy answered, "I told my friends I was going to Zimbabwe. They said, "Wear the fox hat!" and the homeless guy broke out laughing on the road.

Get it?

2007-06-20 02:55:05 · 30 answers · asked by Hoffman 5

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"

"I would love to," replied the husband, "But I don't know her well enough."
.................................
The morning after their honeymoon, the wife says to her husband, "You know, you're a really lousy lover."

The husband replies, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?"
.........................


Two women were talking, when one said to the other: "Do you ever talk to your husband when you're making love?"

"Yeah," replied the second, "But only when he telephones!"

2007-06-20 02:42:13 · 11 answers · asked by Conan 3

A blonde and a brunette are sitting in a bar and watching the 11:00 P.M. news.
A man is standing on the ledge of a high-rise building, contemplating suicide.

The brunette says to the blonde: "I'll bet you $20.00 that the man jumps off
that building and commits suicide." The blonde thinks for a moment then
replies: "OK, you're on!" They watch for a few minutes and sure enough,
the man jumps off the ledge.

The blonde sighs and reaches for her wallet, but the brunette stops her,
saying: "I can't take your money - I feel too guilty. I have to confess that
I watched the 6:00 P.M. news this evening and I knew that the man would
jump.

The blonde replied: "Oh! I watched the 6:00 P.M. news too, but I didn't
think he'd jump off again!"

2007-06-20 02:20:17 · 16 answers · asked by Karatekid 2

After a rigorous interview a young man is offered the job of his dreams on an oil installation in the middle of Saudi Arabia. He arrives in Saudi and Travels 4 days from civilization by 4x4 to the remote site.
When he arrives for his 6 month stint he realizes there are no women at the site. He asks his boss how they cope with that and the boss explains that every so often a nomad passes with a camel train and as they are in the middle of noware they 'use the camels'.
After a month or so and while working hard he hears a load siren go off and everyone around him stops work and runs into the desert screaming "the camels are here, the camels are here".
Uncertain he runs with the crowd until he sees his boss.
"why is everyone running?", He asks
The boss replies, "You dont wanna get an Ugly one!!!?"

2007-06-20 02:13:31 · 10 answers · asked by Nick 1

Birds on the mountain
Fish in the sea
How you passed maths
Is a mystery to me!

Roses are red
Violets are blue,
I copied your paper
And I flunked too.

My teacher loves me
Thinks I'm dear
She kept me for
The fourth straight year.

History's a subject that's
As dead as it can be.
Once it killed the Romans,
And now it's killing me.

When I die, bury me deep
Bury my history book at my feet.
Tell the teacher I've gone to rest
And won't be back for the history test.

Now I lay me down to rest,
I pray to pass tomorrow's test.
If I should die before I wake
That's one less test I'll have to take.

Is this funny?

2007-06-20 02:02:39 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"

"I would love to," replied the husband, "But I don't know her well enough."
....................................
The morning after their honeymoon, the wife says to her husband, "You know, you're a really lousy lover."

The husband replies, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?"
.........................


Two women were talking, when one said to the other: "Do you ever talk to your husband when you're making love?"

"Yeah," replied the second, "But only when he telephones!"

2007-06-20 01:02:40 · 10 answers · asked by Conan 3

i am a kind of endangered bird. i have something similar to an elepthant. what am i?
first person to get it right gets 10 points

2007-06-20 01:00:27 · 8 answers · asked by Amy 6

a man walks into a bar
.....
........
..........
..........
..............
...................
.........................
OUCH LOL
ITS NT VERY FUNNY BUT ITS COOL

2007-06-20 00:50:06 · 9 answers · asked by ♥ House of night :) ♥ 3

I went to a zoo the other day and there was one animal!!
a dog........I came home and my boyfriend asked how was it it? I told him, they only had one animal.......it was a Shitzu!

2007-06-20 00:43:57 · 15 answers · asked by smudger79 3

Mothers need to be respected.Can you say something nice about your mama?

2007-06-20 00:37:31 · 10 answers · asked by sistasista 1

Katie the femail ape is experiencing somekind of depression lately since the release of her mate,a week ago.After trying to find another male ape for the last six weeks they came up empty handed.Tired of trying one day they decide to meet at the bar for a drink and discuss the problem,

After several drink's they both noticed one "MIGHTY HUGE" biker clad in leathers and he looked like a gorilla,
They both looked at each other,are you thinking what, im thinking,
Yea,so they both went over to the biker and offered him 500.00 dollars if he would sleep for one evening with the ape,
The biker agree's,The two keeper's tell the biker that they have to put a bag over the ape's head,so she won't recognise and possibly hurt him.
Later that evening he enter's the cage.The ape immediatley smell's the biker,runs over and throws him to the ground and starts banging him,
get it off!get it off! so they start to pull if off.

no! i mean the bag,THE BAG,

CAUSE I WANT TO KISS THAT *****!

2007-06-20 00:33:27 · 11 answers · asked by "!" 5

and asks the shop keeper for a glass of water,
the shop keeper goes into the back room and returns with a gun,
the man thanks him and walks out,

why? 10 pints to the first correct answer

2007-06-20 00:22:32 · 9 answers · asked by nac mac feegle wahaye! 6

2007-06-20 00:13:07 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

order a drink and toast to " 52 Days"
This carries on the whole night, and every time they get a drink they toast to " 52 Days"
The bartender becomes inquisitive and asks why they keep shouting " 52 Days"

The one non blonde replies that they have just finished a jigsaw puzzle, and the other one says " It said 3-6 years on the box"

yes its old wow you smart

2007-06-20 00:08:00 · 6 answers · asked by Conan 3

1. You can enjoy beer all month long.

2. Beer stains wash out.

3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.

4. Your beer will always wait patiently in the car while you play
football.

5. When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.

6. Beer is never late.

7. Hangovers go away.

8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.

9. Beer labels come off without a fight.

10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.

11. Beer never has a headache.

12. After you've had a beer the bottle is still worth a dime.

13. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer on
your breath.

14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.

15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.

16. A beer always goes down easy.

17. You can share a beer with your friends.

18. You always know when you're the first one to pop a beer.

19. Beer is always wet.

20. Beer doesn't demand equality.

21. You can have a beer in public.

22. A beer doesn't care when you come.

23. A frigid beer is a good beer.

24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.

25. If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony.

2007-06-19 23:50:41 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

This milkman sees a note on the door of one of his blonde customers. The note asks for 100 quarts of milk. Thinking this a mistake, the milkman rings her doorbell and asks about the 100 quarts.



She says, "Yes, I need 100 quarts. On the talk show I saw last night they said milk baths are good for the skin."



The milkman asks, "Do you want it PASTURIZED?".






She answers, "No...up to my shoulders will be sufficient!"

2007-06-19 23:16:39 · 17 answers · asked by Sangy . 4