Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for years. He had a large
pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts,
and some orange and peach trees. The pond was ideal for swimming, although he
rarely did that anymore.

One evening he decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been
there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket with which
to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping
in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to
the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies
swim naked or to make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the
bucke! t up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

2007-06-20 16:20:15 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Oldest Profession

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."

Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"

2007-06-20 16:17:30 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.

The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks."
The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks."
The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."
The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.

2007-06-20 15:25:23 · 16 answers · asked by Shane 4

~No Offence, i am a blonde but i find blondes very funny~


A Blondie was writing in her diary one night and she wrote:

Dear Diary,
Today I was shopping for groceries. I was almost done when i noticed some blueberries. They didnt hae a price tag on them so i asked the nearest clerk how much they were. The clerk told me that they were $1 for as many berries as i want. I just thought that was a great deal, so i bought $2 worth.



lol, i didnt get it at first, but when u think it over it is funny.
i no it is lame to explain the joke, but incase u r like me and didnt understand it at first, it is funny because:

the blonde gave the store an extra dallor, because it was all she wanted for one dallor, and she gave the store 2.

There you go, star if u think it is funny


~♥Haley♥~

2007-06-20 15:24:06 · 14 answers · asked by *Ninja w/ awesome pirate powers* 3

I Am Near The Tip But At The End....... What Am I ??????
10 POINTS FOR THE FIRST PERSON TO SOLVE IT

2007-06-20 15:06:33 · 12 answers · asked by cherry 3

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.


Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision


Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.


Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.


Canadians: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.


Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER US LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.


Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

2007-06-20 15:03:54 · 12 answers · asked by Mike 3

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory." Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity

2007-06-20 15:03:50 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I wanna know which ones you know... post all the ones that you know please! I am dyin to hear! Thanx and God bless!

2007-06-20 15:03:37 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he
passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman
said.


"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."


"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Datsa easy." and he proceeds to
draw three trees.


"What's this?" the boss asks.


"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree makea nine," says the
Italian.


"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the
same rules, but this time the number is 99."


The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture
that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere a you go."


The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to
represent 99 ?"


"Each of da trees isa dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree,
and dirty tree. Dat is 99."




The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hi re
this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again,
but represent the number 100."


The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture
again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere
you go. One hundred."


The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"


(You're going to love this one!!!)


The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each
tree and says, "A little doga came along and crapa by eacha tree. So
now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty
tree and a turd, datsa makea one hundred. So, when I'm a gonna start?"

2007-06-20 14:59:44 · 18 answers · asked by Pirla B 4

hair saloon with headphones and a cd player on to get her hair done.She goes up to one of the sylist and asks"can i have my hair done?" "SURE but you have to take your headphones off." "Oh...if i take them off,i die..." "You won't die if you take your headphones off!"So the blonde takes them off and sits in the chair.5 minutes later she was dead.The hair stylist was shocked to see the blonde die.She got the headphones and put them on.She heard"Breath in,breath out,breath in..."

A blonde,a red head,and a brunette were about to get killed by the cops.It was the brunette's turn to get shot first.The cops said "Ready,set--"and the brunette yells out"EARTHQUAKE!!!"the cops get startled and the brunette runs away.Now it was the red head's turn.The cops tried again.."Ready,aim--"
and then the red head shouts "TORNADO!!!"the cops get startled again and the red head runs away..Now it was the blonde's turn.The cops said"Ready,aim--" and the blonde yells "FIRE!"

2007-06-20 14:34:21 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-20 14:31:46 · 4 answers · asked by rhardfrumnc 4

I found another joke that I thought was also funny.

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?”

A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"

"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"

He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.

One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.

His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?"

She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything." "Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband. "No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him" she said.

"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband. "Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?

2007-06-20 14:29:01 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

I found this joke and I thought it was really funny.


The other day she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off.

Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head-first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.

Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager happened to walk by and unplug it.

2007-06-20 14:26:18 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-20 14:14:06 · 8 answers · asked by Josh S 2

Three Boy Scouts, a lawyer, a priest, and a pilot are in a plane that is about to crash.
The pilot says "Well, we only have 3 parachutes, let's give them to the 3 Boy Scouts. They are young and have their whole lives in front of them"
The lawyer says "*uck the Boy Scouts!"
The priest says, "Do we have time?"

2007-06-20 14:08:22 · 10 answers · asked by Jassierra 3

Why do italian men grow moustaches................so they can look like their mothers

2007-06-20 13:59:11 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.
He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.
Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.
He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.
The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want."
The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.
When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr."
After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"

2007-06-20 13:58:56 · 6 answers · asked by Jassierra 3

hand in hand totally in love one bucket of sick starts to get a bit tearfull the other bucket of sick says whats wrong darling? the first bucket of sick says this road brings back so many memories it was where i was brought up!

2007-06-20 13:53:43 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde walks into a store. She goes to the cashier and says," what is the price of this tv?" The cashier says,"Srry, I dont sell stuff to blondes. Fuming, the blonde went out and dyed her hair brown. She goes back into the store, and asks him the price of the tv. "Srry, i don't sell stuff to brunettes," he says. As angry as she possible could be, she dyed her hair green and went back to the store and asked the price of the tv. The cashier says,"Srry, i do not sell things to blondes." Shocked, the blonde says,"How did you know i was a blonde? I have green hair!!!!" the cashier says,"because its a microwave.

2007-06-20 13:52:49 · 6 answers · asked by Shane 4

2007-06-20 13:50:43 · 10 answers · asked by Bloody Tears 2

2007-06-20 13:42:43 · 19 answers · asked by @NGEL B@BY 7

A guy was limping, so his friend asked him what was up. "You know, my foot bugs me sometimes. It's just an old basketball injury."

"Uh, aren't you kind of short for a basketball player?"

"Oh no, I never played basketball, I just lost a crap load of money on the NBA finals last year and kicked in the TV."

2007-06-20 13:25:25 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies" he responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

2007-06-20 13:11:00 · 8 answers · asked by sweetxoblivion 2

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to accuse the pharmacist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be danged if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store, there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. "

"Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing and it won't let up, I finally got back to answer it."

The pharmacist continues, "It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!!!"

2007-06-20 13:02:14 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novacaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."

The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"

The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

2007-06-20 12:55:17 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

keep an idiot in suspense?
























i will tell you next week.

2007-06-20 12:12:26 · 14 answers · asked by tracieisland 5

2007-06-20 11:52:32 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in
the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."
They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their
claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I AM officially the smallest
person in the world." Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated, "Who the fcuk is Camilla Parker Bowles?"

2007-06-20 11:17:55 · 14 answers · asked by Gezza D 2

Well, camp is here in a few weeks, and I REALLY want some good pranks to do during the week. Please don't sugest anything to gross (like plastic rap on the toilet seats, or kool-aid in the shower head). The pranks have to be for girls mostly, and somthing that the director would agree on, because we have to get his permision first. Oh, and nothing like those fake love letters, or something like that, because that is such an old idea, and is used all the time. And nothing that damages others property.


Thanks in advance!

2007-06-20 11:00:39 · 6 answers · asked by cookie monster 3

>>A little boy asks his father, "Daddy, how was i born?"
>>the father answers
>>
>>Well son, i guess one day you will need to find out anyway!, your mom and i first got together in a chat room on yahoo. then i set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber - cafe'. I upgraded my floppy to a stiffy and then your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
>>
>>As soon as i was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little pop- up appeared and said
>>" Youve got male"

2007-06-20 10:57:02 · 38 answers · asked by tracieisland 5