Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way, "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on,

2007-05-31 22:49:08 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-31 21:15:35 · 8 answers · asked by ari-pup 7

any one who answer this pls. tell your country

2007-05-31 20:45:23 · 22 answers · asked by Eriol 2

my friends friend cut off my friends penis on accident, dont ask...but is there a way for him to get a new one?

2007-05-31 18:22:13 · 20 answers · asked by REDWINGS SUCK 2

A stick.

2007-05-31 17:59:08 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

imagine dear .... when u r crossing the road u found an old women . she wana cross the road but she's very old . u go to help her and when u finished the road with her . she changed into a witch .she tell u because u help me , u have 2 wishes i can do for u???
my question is what do u will wish ???



(i wana say ''excuse me in wrong word or...... because english is not my language)

2007-05-31 17:50:41 · 5 answers · asked by .::the wolf::. 1

A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.
Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?
Brother 2: He's Dead
Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.
Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.
Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?
Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.

2007-05-31 17:33:06 · 4 answers · asked by B B 2

I'm annoyed by the comment "worthless as teats (but the person doesn't say teats) on a boar hog" and "I'm gonna beat you like an ugly red-headed step-child." The comment is meant to be funny and doesn't mean to offend, but I'm rather horrified when I hear these in an educational setting.

The boar hog remark isn't said to students, just the other one.

2007-05-31 17:17:32 · 24 answers · asked by Zumbagirl 2

there was this guy and he was drowning. a ship rode by and asked if he wanted help and the man said no god will save me. another ship rode by and asked if he wanted help and the man said no god will save me. soon after he died and went to heaven. when he got there he asked god why he didnt save him and god replied "i sent you 2 boats you dumb ***"

thought that was funny heard it on a movie

2007-05-31 16:31:12 · 13 answers · asked by Ashley M 2

o is very rich and has convertable cars and women. one day when he is going out with one of the women he goes to the gas station and the girl goes to the bathroom. when she comes back the guy has a bullet in his head and nothing is broken and nobody else was in the car HOW DID HE GET SHOT???????!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

2007-05-31 16:24:06 · 14 answers · asked by ? 1

Two hillbillies walk into a Dairy Queen. While having a couple of Blizzards, they talk privately about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table eating a chicken sandwich begins to cough.
After a while, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says. "Kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, eyes widen and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly strolls over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a long lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. She begins to breathe again, the hillbilly ambles smugly back to his table.
His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it."

2007-05-31 16:22:28 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

They both sit at the bar and order the same exact drink...made with the same alcohol, the same mixer, the same ice, the same cups. the first twin slams his drink, walks out of the bar, goes home and is fine. The second twin slowly nurses his drink over the course of an hour, walks out of the bar and drops dead. Why?

2007-05-31 16:05:18 · 10 answers · asked by Stephanie M 2

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

2007-05-31 16:00:05 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.



Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."



A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.



While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.



With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail (the punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.



"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, He set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed........."






(You're going to love this.....)








"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."

2007-05-31 15:57:53 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?




A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

2007-05-31 15:53:19 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-31 15:40:06 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was the talk of the town when an 80year old man married a 20year old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth.
The nurse came out to congratulate the old fellow. "That is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The following year she gave birth again.
The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"
He again said..."You've got to keep the old motor running."
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "You must be quite a man."
He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil; this one's black. :)

2007-05-31 14:42:19 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and your really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?"

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!"

"I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this happen?"

"About two minutes ago," came the reply

2007-05-31 14:37:27 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Your in a room with no possible way to get out.You have no doors, vents, or windows.All that's in the room is you, a mirror, and a table.How do you get out?

2007-05-31 14:34:10 · 12 answers · asked by summerrr. 2

Boss Hogg and Lulu finally found their long lost child. DNA proves she is Rosie O'Donnell. Boss Hogg says she is her Daddy's girl. Come to think about they are a lot alike.

2007-05-31 13:37:21 · 3 answers · asked by barrettins 3

Potpourri!

2007-05-31 13:33:00 · 23 answers · asked by Ursula J 1

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

2007-05-31 13:27:47 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the ***** in the kitchen."

2007-05-31 13:23:04 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mother has 5 daughters, each has one brother. How many children does she have?

2007-05-31 13:21:34 · 17 answers · asked by erica l 1

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car.
The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"
Charlie replies, "Driving to Chicago!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well, Charlie, how are you doing?"
Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago."
"Great," replies the nurse.
The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously mas*ur*ating.
Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?"
Bob says, "I'm scr*wing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago." :)

2007-05-31 13:03:39 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

2007-05-31 13:00:54 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Fidgety - a woman in her 40's went to the plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The knob", where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, Fidgety wanted 'The Knob'.
Over the years, Fidgety tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful - she remained young-looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, Fidgety returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results, but now I've developed two annoying problems; first, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.
The doctor looked at Fidgety closely and said, "Those aren't bags; those are your breasts."
She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee." :)

2007-05-31 12:54:04 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

They are both:
Huge and
Full of hot air

2007-05-31 12:52:04 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-31 12:29:19 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Jimmy was supposed to have a 'current event' every day for school.
He never did his homework and one day his teacher said, "Jimmy, if you don't have a current event for class tomorrow you will fail and have to take this class again next year."
He went home, went to bed, and forgot all about it. The next morning on his way to school he remembered and thought to himself, Damn I forgot to prepare my current event.
Then he saw a cat with two dogs chasing it, running across the railway line. The cat made it across but a train hit the dogs.
When he got to school he yelled, "Teacher, teacher, I have my current event!"
She said, "OK, what is it, Jimmy?"
He told her, "This morning on my way to school I saw a cat run across the railway line and the two dogs that were chasing it got hit in the ar*e by a train."
She said, "JIMMY! Don't use language like that....say 'rectum'.
Little Jimmy laughed and said, "WRECKED 'EM...hell, it killed 'em both." :)

2007-05-31 12:28:19 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous