Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

A man just gets done reading a book called how to be the man of your household. When he gets done he goes in the kitchen and tells his wife " that for now on things will be done his way he says you will cook me dinner every night and spoon feed me when you are done with that you will make love to me the way i want and then you will give me a bath and scrubb me form head to toe and when we are done with the bath guess who gets to dress me" his wife says " my guess would be the f*cking funeral director."

2007-05-28 07:51:43 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

the floor was blue the walls is blue ever thing in th e house is blue so what cloor is the stair

wait there no stairs lol

2007-05-28 07:35:16 · 10 answers · asked by jay 2

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark skin and very short.

The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before i die i want you to be honest with me, is our youngest son mine?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that is holy that he is your son."

With that the husband passed away.

The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three!"

2007-05-28 07:24:17 · 11 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

A king captured three men and told them to go find a fruit and to get ten of them.
The first guy came in with apples, and the king said" If you want to live you have to shove all the fruit up your butt without making any facial expressions or noises." So up goes 1,2 and the first guy made a hurting sound, so the king killed him and he went up to heaven. The second guy came in with berries and the king also told him to shove them up his butt without making any facial expressions or noises. The guy thought that it would be easy since he only had small berries. So up goes 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9, and the guy busted out laughing. So of course the king had to kill him, and he went up to heaven. The first guy and the second guy meet up in heaven and the first guy says," Why did you laugh, you were so close!". Then the second guy said," I saw the third guy come in with pineapples!"

2007-05-28 07:20:35 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-28 07:13:35 · 16 answers · asked by joelinn1974 3

it is animal

2007-05-28 06:50:58 · 34 answers · asked by afree 2

It SUCKS!
Ha Ha! Get it? Funny!

2007-05-28 05:14:44 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

i have this huge crush and i want 2 make laugh i dont care if its a dirty joke ... it just has to be funny... i need big help and the one that makes me laugh most is the best answer with all of those stary thingies

2007-05-28 02:24:49 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hey, somebody tell me a joke. The best one will get best answer. Hey, I'll start us off with a little one:
Q: How did the Big Pencil Help the Little Pencil?
A: He "lead" him.

Yes, that was amazing. Now tell me a joke.

2007-05-28 02:20:31 · 11 answers · asked by Big j 1

when it comes time to nurse it gets kinda aquard in some situation so does anyone know a funny way to break the news?

2007-05-28 02:09:53 · 8 answers · asked by Kim S 1

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but
the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and
protested to the judge that since she had brought the children
into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody
of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: "Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out,does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"

Don't laugh, he won!

2007-05-28 01:52:42 · 16 answers · asked by mark b 2

Top 20 ways to say
"Your Fly Is Open"



20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You've got Windows in your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.




10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?



AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY
TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED...

1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.

2007-05-28 01:09:20 · 16 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the
differences between them.


The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple... The Catholic type supports the
masses, the Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, the Presbyterian type keeps
them staunch and upright, and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G,
and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out
what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

{A} Almost Boobs. B} Barely there. {C} Can't Complain! {D} Dang! {DD}Double dang! {E} Enormous! {F} Fake. {G} Get a Reduction. {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!


Send this to all that will appreciate it!

They forgot the German bra. Holtzemfromfloppen

2007-05-28 00:29:11 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."

2007-05-27 22:54:29 · 9 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

GRANDMA AND GRANDPA WERE WATCHING A RELIGIOUS HEALING
PROGRAM ON TV.

THE EVANGELIST CALLED TO ALL WHO WANTED TO BE HEALED TO PUT
ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON THE BODY PART THEY
WANTED HEALED.

GRANDMA HOBBLED TO THE TV AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND
THE OTHER ON HER ARTHRITIC HIP.

GRANDPA MADE HIS WAY TO THE SET AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV
AND THE OTHER ON HIS CROTCH.

GRANDMA LOOKED AT HIM WITH DISGUST . . . "YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND,
YOU OLD COOT . .
THE PURPOSE OF THIS PROGRAM IS TO HEAL THE SICK, NOT RAISE THE DEAD

2007-05-27 22:23:43 · 10 answers · asked by Gina B 4

Before Marriage

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Yes!
She: Will you hit me?
He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Now after the marriage you can read it from below to up !!!!

2007-05-27 22:18:50 · 13 answers · asked by Athmika K 2

deaf man goes to his doctors because he is having trouble with his hearing. The doctor asks him "what are the symptoms" The deaf man replies "they're a yellow cartoon family"

2007-05-27 21:50:55 · 4 answers · asked by Magster 7

The seven dwarfs are on their last day in Italy and request an audience with the Pope to settle an arguement they had the previous evening at the Vatican Zoo. " Yes my children, what can I do for you?", the Pope asks. Doppey steps forward and without much protocal, asks " Your honor, are there any dwarf nuns in the Vatican?" The Pope thinks for a minute and tells him not to his knowledge. The other dwarfs exchange a mischevious smile. "What about in Italy?" Doppey continues, his voice filled with urgency. "No, am I afraid not" answers the Pope. " And in Europe?" " I do not think so?" the Pope says. By this time, The other dwarfs can not contain their amusement, and break out into uncontrolled laughter. Beeds of persperation beginning to form on Doppies head. " What about the world, surely there must be some?" " Nope!" says the Pope. The other dwarfs are on the floor, laughing their eyes out. The Pope joins in the laughter when he hears a high pitched voice "Doppey ****** a pinguin!!!"

2007-05-27 21:43:34 · 8 answers · asked by tod m 2

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his vehicle, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!

Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself.

He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up head of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped! Amazed that he could pass his Ferrari, the doctor gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph.

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out to see that, unbelievably, the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror."

2007-05-27 21:36:17 · 5 answers · asked by Gina B 4

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your t*ts."

She said, "Well, that explains the goatee."

2007-05-27 21:36:07 · 16 answers · asked by ? 5

"Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over
twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the
tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger
than the size of an AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell
laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his
feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came
over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't
happen again. Now ... what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Ed replied.


The doctor fainted.

2007-05-27 21:33:05 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

2007-05-27 21:19:56 · 8 answers · asked by welcome, to my hell hole!! 2

One morning, while Mrs. Smith was tending to her flower & vegetable garden, a neighbor passed by & said: Your plants are really healthy. Mrs. Smith replied: That's because I always sing them a song. The neighbor said: Wow, Mrs. Smith, I didn't know you have a green tongue.

2007-05-27 20:16:41 · 8 answers · asked by Buddy Hodor 7

2007-05-27 18:41:21 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-27 18:40:06 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

A waiter asks a Wife: Give me some money. I want to buy a bra.

Husband: Why? You have nothing to put in it!

Wife: You wear shorts!

2007-05-27 17:07:14 · 7 answers · asked by Ruby 1

whatever your profession may be -

2007-05-27 16:05:33 · 7 answers · asked by insightfireiron 4

The other day I heard a old-timer call a guy a 'Stick-Up Artist" because his store prices were too high.

My father lended to the conversation that people used to used terms like...
- Floor Flusher
- Windbag
- Pole Cat

I don't know whay they meant, but they are funny.

WHAT EXPRESSIONS HAVE YOU HEARD OR USED, and what did it mean?

2007-05-27 15:44:03 · 16 answers · asked by Night Owl 3

Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)

Sign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Outside a photographer’s studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE,OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

2007-05-27 14:52:43 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

there were these two old men who everyday sat on their porch and looked out at the view. one day, some old women decided to play a joke on them. they took off all of their clothes and ran past the two men. they men then said to each other:
man1: What the hell was that?
man2: im not sure, but i think it needed some ironing

2007-05-27 14:33:37 · 51 answers · asked by Anonymous