Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?".

The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."

The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"

The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

2007-05-26 21:53:29 · 5 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE ...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:

1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
2) WON'T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.

Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?"

"Hi," he said, " your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away."

"Well, then," she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied,..... "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

2007-05-26 20:19:40 · 18 answers · asked by ? 4

It is half a cup of water.

2007-05-26 18:43:15 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Situation

Joe Doodlebug is an imaginary, and somewhat strange bug. These are his capabilities and limitations in his world.

His world is flat.

He can only jump (not crawl, fly, walk, roll, or otherwise locomotor across or under the surface of his world.)

He cannot turn around.

He can jump very large distances or very small distances, but not less than one inch per jump nor more than 500 feet per jump.

He can jump in only four perfectly-true directions - north, south, east, and west.

He cannot jump diagonally (e.g., southeast, northwest)

He likes to average 15 feet per jump on a good day.

There are no other doodlebugs, or other creatures, to help him.

Once he starts in any direction, he must jump four times in that same direction before he can switch to another direction.

Joe is totally dependent on his owner to provide his food source.

The Problem

Joe has been out jumping all over the place while getting some much-needed exercise. As a matter of fact, Joe has worked up a voracious appetite. Much to his pleasure, his owner appears and places a large pile of delectable food three fee, seven inches directly west of him. Joe wants the food, and he wants it fast. As soon as Joe sees all this wonderful food, he stops dead in his tracks (he is facing north). After all his exercise he is very hungry, and even weak. Therefore, he wants to get to the food as quickly as he possibly can, minimizing especially the number of jumps he makes (it’s the starting of a jump - the spring required in his legs - that takes the most energy). After briefly surveying the situation, he realizes that he cannot - at this point - jump due west. Suddenly he exclaims, “I’ve got it. I’ll only have to jump four times to get the food!”

Your Task

Accept the fact that Joe was a smart bug, and dead right in his conclusions. Why did Joe Doodlebug have to take precisely four jumps in order to reach the food with a minimum expenditure of energy? Describe the circumstances that Joe must have been in to reach this conclusion.

2007-05-26 18:35:47 · 9 answers · asked by Pedro S 2

Szzzzzzz.zzzzzzzzz, Yawn, droopy eyes, bed is not an option, ran out of coffee--- keep me awake.

2007-05-26 18:34:03 · 23 answers · asked by yolkyolk 5

a blind man walks into a store and says to the bartender"hey, do you want to here a blonde joke."The bartender lokes at him and says "before you tell your joke you might want to consider that i am blonde and i have my black belt in karate, that girl over there also has a black belt and shes blonde, theres a body builder over there who is blonde, a guy who carries guns all the time with him just over there" the bartender points."is also blonde, so,do u still think you should tell that joke." the Blind is quiet for a second and then looks up"well not if i have to explain it five times."

2007-05-26 18:26:53 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

(1) If ch is the first ch is the last and u r in the middle. Then where are u?

(2) It is twice in a week, once in a year and none in month.Tell what is it?

2007-05-26 18:09:56 · 24 answers · asked by Krishna 2

right word gets 10 points

2007-05-26 16:52:02 · 14 answers · asked by Shiloh 5

my grandpa once told me ..... One day he was at work on his lunch break and this guy walks up to him with a thurmis ... and says this is advanced it keeps things hot and cold ... But how does it know to keep hot or cold ... lol I just had to share that story it cracks me up when I think about it.

2007-05-26 16:42:59 · 7 answers · asked by frankcujo89 2

2007-05-26 16:41:55 · 12 answers · asked by demophoon7575 2

'Doctor, doctorm I get a stabbing pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.'
'Have you tried taking the spoon out of the tea cup?'

It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale were the main reasons for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, 'That does it! If they hit me one more time, I'm not opening th store!'

2007-05-26 16:29:18 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Knock Knock
Who's There?
Urine
Urine Who?

2007-05-26 16:17:18 · 14 answers · asked by MrTwister 3

What do you call a girl with one leg ................l-Lene
What do you call a man with no legs...............Neil
The little boy said crying "I don't wanna see grandma,
I don't wanna see grandma.......!

His mother said shut-up and keep digging!

2007-05-26 16:13:27 · 7 answers · asked by Dutchess 3

i'm improving my english language,writing jokes,
i think that is a creative way to learn,
please,if something else be wrong,tell me,thanks...

Certain time, navigating for the seven seas, one of the watches of the embarkation
saw that approached one ship pirate. Angry captain screamed:
- They bring me my red shirt!
And, dressing her, it ordered your men:
-attack! Win these cursed pirates!
It is it was done like this. Some days later, the watch saw two pirate ships.
The Captain asked for the red shirt again and the victory was yours again.
On that same night,your men asked why he always asked
the red shirt before entering in the battle, and the Captain answered:
- If I be hurt in combat, the red shirt had not left that my
men see my blood. Like this, all will continue struggling without fear.
All were in silence, amazed with the courage of the commandant.
in the dawn of the following day, the watch not saw one, but ten pirates ships.
The whole crew,afraid, drove the eyes for the captain,e him,
with your potent voice and without demonstrating any fear, he screamed:
- They swallow me my brown pants!

2007-05-26 15:56:50 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

She sees her husband laying there naked. She asks whats going on, im having a heart attack . So she runs to the livng room and starts to dial 911 when her son interrupts her. Mommy, mommy, aunt becky is naked in the closet!!!! So she runs upstairs and opens the closet door. Sure enough she was hiding in there naked. The woman pissed off yells at her sister. You *****, my husband is having a heart attack and your here running around naked scaring the kids!!!

2007-05-26 15:19:42 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

The husband goes in first and the doctor checks him out and says, looks like your a healthy man. The man says thanks. The doctor asks, is there any medical concern you want to discuss before you leave? The man looks at the doctor and tells him that when he first has sex he is cold and chilly. and the second time i am hot and sweaty. The doctor looks puzzeled and says im sure its probably nothing cause your as healthy as a horse.

So then the wife goes in gets her check up and everything is allright. He asks her are there any concerns you have, the wife says no. The doctors says i ask because you husband had some unusual concerns about your sex life, he says hes cold and chilly the first time and hot and sweaty the second time.The wife laughs and says, that old fool, thats because the first time is in january and the second time in july.

2007-05-26 15:08:04 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

The girl sees the men looking at her and says, if each of you gives me a dollar i will show you my legs. So the men smile and give her a dollar. The girl then says, if you each give me 10 dollars i will show you my thigs? the men all excited hand her the money, so she hikes up her skirt real high. she then smiles and says if you each hand me a 20 i will show you were babys come from. The men think about it and see her raising her skirt and decide to hand the money over. So they wait for about 2 minutes and the bus comes to a stop. She says thanks for the money guys. The men upset say well arent you gonna show us? the girl laughs and says oh yeah, its behind you. As she points to the hospital behind them.

2007-05-26 14:57:15 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

All of them are pregnant and are talking about what they are going to have. The redhead says, we did it in the missionary position so we are going to have a boy. The brunnete says, thats nice bute we are going to have a girl cause we did it with me on top. The blonde then looks at the, amd says OMG!!! The pregnant women say what? I think im going to have puppies.

2007-05-26 14:46:57 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach pains,the doctor says i have checked you over and all i can say is can you change nappies(diapers) oh my god she says am i pregnant.






No said the doctor you have bowel cancer

like i said i'm sorry but lmfao =)

2007-05-26 14:40:00 · 12 answers · asked by thewokinn2 2

Joys of growing old !!!!



Three old pilots are walking on the ramp.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Lets go get a beer."

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" " Twelve thirty."

Morris, an 82 yearold man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' " The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"



As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 280. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"



An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing termsHoney, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc... The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names." The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago

2007-05-26 14:33:31 · 13 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

n Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin,
Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".

2007-05-26 14:30:49 · 23 answers · asked by I AM BACK 7

A blonde decides to go on vacation to Miami. She lives in Atlanta, so she decides to drive. She says good-bye to her friends and family, and heads on her way. She was about 3 hours in, when she realized something. She drove all the way back to Atlanta and says, "Forgot my keys". Star if you like.

2007-05-26 13:51:32 · 38 answers · asked by Anonymous

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their commode. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. He left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the commode. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the commode seat.

About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.

They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, In desperation, Charlie undid the commode seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the Hospital Emergency Room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her.

Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before".

The Doctor replied "Actually, I've seen a lot of them. I just never saw one FRAMED before.

2007-05-26 13:45:27 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route.

No problems for the first few stops, a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six foot eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.

Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was.

Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.

The next day the same thing happened. Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.

Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.

So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!,"

The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."

2007-05-26 13:43:00 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.


Daily Thought: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

2007-05-26 13:40:24 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Apple announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The i(eye)Tit will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

2007-05-26 13:38:18 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

New Year's Resolutions

As we all start a new year, it is time again to make those ever so important New Year's Resolutions. I have faithfully made such resolutions in the past, and while I haven't been able to keep all of them, I have tried my best to continue making progress on them year after year.
Following is my revised list of "New Year's Resolutions - 2005 Edition":

Resolution #1 2002: I will try to be a better husband to Marge. 2003: I will not leave Marge. 2004: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge. 2005: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.

Resolution #2 2002: I will stop looking at other women. 2003: I will not get involved with Wanda. 2004: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage. 2005: I will stop looking at other women.

Resolution #3 2002: I will not let my boss push me around. 2003: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide. 2004: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me. 2005: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.

Resolution #4 2002: I will read at least 20 good books a year. 2003: I will read at least 10 books a year. 2004: I will read 5 books a year. 2005: I will finish Airport.

Resolution #5 2002: I will not get upset when Charlie and Sam make jokes about my baldness. 2003: I will not get annoyed when Charlie and Sam kid me about my toupee. 2004: I will not lose my temper when they tell the guys I wear a girdle. 2005: I will not speak to Charlie and Sam.

Resolution #6 2002: I will get my weight down below 180. 2003: I will watch my calories until I get below 190. 2004: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200. 2005: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

Resolution #7 2002: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m. 2003: I will not touch the bottle before noon. 2004: I will not become a "problem drinker". 2005: I will not miss any AA meetings.

Resolution #8 2002: I will not spend my money frivolously. 2003: I will pay off my bank loan promptly. 2004: I will pay off my bank loans promptly. 2005: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 2006.

Resolution #9 2002: I will see my dentist this year. 2003 I will have my cavities filled this year. 2004: I will have my root canal work done this year. 2005: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

Resolution #10 2002: I will go to church every Sunday. 2003: I will go to church as often as possible. 2004: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation. 2005: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.

2007-05-26 13:14:41 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Cor, Mum" ..... "I dunn 'alf fancy that Julie next door. I could have a great time with her ....."
"Don't be so silly!" ... says mum .... "you're both only five and far too young to think about things like that ..... Anyway, you know nothing about the birds and the bees ......!"
"Oh that's no problem, Mum " ... replied little Tommy ..."I got all that sussed ... if she lays an egg, I'll tread on it!"

2007-05-26 13:04:17 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

They go back to the hotel room and both have different bedrooms. One of the dwarfs feels really bad because he can't get an erection and to make it worse all he hears for ages coming for the other room is one, two three, up yeah. one, two, three up yeah.

The next morning feeling really really crap he tells his friend he couldn't get an erection and the night wasn't so great. His mate replied at least you managed to get on the fu**ing bed!!!!!!!

2007-05-26 11:46:26 · 2 answers · asked by lisa_t197 3

2007-05-26 11:43:39 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous