Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

The old woman was in her attic with her cat (whom she loved very much) when she saw an old bottle. She started wiping the bottle and a genie appeared. The genie told her she would grant her three wishes. So the old woman wished to become a beautiful young woman and, POOF, she became a very beautiful young woman. Then she wished to have her house full of money from the floor to the ceiling and, POOF, her house filled up with money.
Her last wish was for her beloved cat to become this gorgeous young hunk of a man and POOF, her cat became the biggest hunk she ever laid eyes on. She looked at the man and said, "I love you."
The man replied, "I love you too, but now don't you wish you hadn't had me neutered?" :)

2007-05-31 12:11:27 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?

2007-05-31 12:10:31 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

...The barman gave her one!

2007-05-31 11:37:57 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-31 11:34:57 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

He was such a long time there the the englishment broke in.
He found the Scot lying in a pool of blood with a note attached to the knife in his stomach. The note read: "Here am i broken hearted paid a pound and only farted"

2007-05-31 11:24:08 · 11 answers · asked by Scouse 7

2007-05-31 11:21:47 · 14 answers · asked by NancyB 1

2007-05-31 11:20:00 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Flatteredwu.

2007-05-31 11:15:35 · 5 answers · asked by fletchfredarnie 4

I can be seen, never touched, I am lighter than air. Nothing can move me, what am I? Anyone know the answer to this??? my sister asked me and I have no idea what it is, THANKS!!!

2007-05-31 11:06:34 · 12 answers · asked by 9:07.04.p.m 3

2007-05-31 10:57:22 · 4 answers · asked by fletchfredarnie 4

A wife says to her girlfriend "our sex life is so dull"
Her friend says "do you ever watch your husbands face when your havin sex"
She says "once & I saw rage"
Her friend says "why would he be angry during sex"
The wife says "Because he was looking thru the window at us"


One day a little girl asks her dad "where does poo come from"
Her dad says "well you know we just ate dinner"...
"Yes" replies the girl
"Well the food goes into your tummy & your body keeps all the good stuff & whats left comes out of your bottem when you go to the toilet, Thats poo"
She looks shocked & says "and Tigger?"


One night an 87 yr old woman comes in from bingo & catches her old man bangin another woman,
she loses her rag & pushes him off the balcony of their 20th floor flat, Killing him,
brought before the court on a murder charge shes asked if she has anything to say?
"Your honour" she says coolly,
"At 94 I figured if he could manage sex he could fly!"

2007-05-31 10:57:10 · 12 answers · asked by Because I Said So 7

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

2007-05-31 10:42:51 · 50 answers · asked by Anonymous

and some guy started to laugh at me in car next to me at the light. so i stopped. but then i thought to my self, he can't hear me so why should i care what other people think. next time i am going to sing real loud so that the person next to me at a light can hear! lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so my question is do you sing in your car?

2007-05-31 10:34:14 · 14 answers · asked by sunshinembf 4

Pinnochio goes to see geppetto
He says "everytime I have sex with my girlfriend she gets splinters"
Geppetto Says "have you tried sandpaper"
Pinnochio goes away to try it.
Aweek later geppetto asks
"How did the problem with your girlfriend work out"
Pinnochio says
"who needs a girlfriend i've got sandpaper".

An elderly couple go to the clinic & ask to be tested for HIV
The councillor asks why they feel they need a test at their age
The old fellah says
"I heard you should be tested after annual sex".

Dave says to Gary
"Im ready for a holiday only this year Im gonna do it diffrently"
Gary says "how so"
Dave says two yrs ago I went to Hawaii & Marie got pregnant,
Last yr I went to barbados & Marie got pregnant"
Gary says "so what about this yr"
Dave replies "This yr Im takin Marie with me"

A small boy goes up to a cop & says "Ive lost my dad"
"Whats he like" says the cop"
"Beer & Women" Says the boy.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

2007-05-31 10:28:02 · 16 answers · asked by Because I Said So 7

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a fancy restaurant,

The husband keeps staring at an old drunk lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until his wife asks,

"Do you know her?"

"Yes, sighs the husband, "she's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

2007-05-31 10:23:45 · 10 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

a blonde just got a new car and was driving on the freeway..she started swerving and going from left to right...then she finally crashed on a side railing...when the police came they asked her what happened..she kept saying"the tree! the tree!, wherever i went the tree kept getting in my way!"the police officer looked and there was nothing there, but the clear road...so the officer just told her to get in the car to wait for a ride...when he looked in the car for any valuables...he saw a pine air freshner hanging on the rearview mirror....

2007-05-31 10:22:43 · 17 answers · asked by BOOM, roasted. 7

Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met.
Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people drown today.
Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.
Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.
Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim.
Hit strangers with your flutter board.
Ask an attractive lifeguard to practice CPR on you.
Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, "Oh yeah... oooh that feels soooo good....".
Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move.
Swim near a stranger and say, "Dammit I knew I shouldn't have had watermelon before I came here.".
Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.
Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say, "HA-HA, fooled you!".
Scream as someone is trying to do something when jumping off of a diving board.
Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.
Tell people you saw the lifeguard pissing in the pool

2007-05-31 10:02:53 · 5 answers · asked by cash 2

"Hey, Princess, you wouldn't happen to know where a lonely knight could scabbard his sword, would you?"

"Been there, slain that."

-"What's a nice maiden like you doing in a dungeon like this?"

"They don't call me Lance-A-Lot for nothing, you know."

"When the inquisition put me on the rack, my limbs weren't the only thing they stretched."

"Dost thou know? That chastity belt of yours would look great on my sleeping chambers floor."

Wench: "What's that sound? Knight:"That's just the sound of my chain mail drawers expanding."

"Thou hast hit on me harder than the black plague!"

"Your hovel or mine?"

"Pardon me, madam, but wouldeth thou like to see my long sword in action?"

"Dost thou practice safe hex?"

"Milady, it's not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic within."

"I have he key to your chastity belt and you have the key to my heart."

"You should be glad i'm not a viking."

"You would have been ravaged and plundered by now."

2007-05-31 09:52:28 · 12 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

There was a farmer who had four daughters. One night, he heard a knock at the door and found a young man standing there. The young man said, "My name is Freddy. I've come to pick up Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. I hope she's ready." The farmer thought that this was cute, so he let them go out. Pretty soon there was another knock at the door and another young man was there. He said, "My name is Vance. I've come for Nance. We're going to a dance. Is she ready by chance ?" Again, the farmer thought this was cute and let them go. Soon, another knock on the door with yet another young man standing there. He said "My name is Moe. I'm here to get Flo. We're going to a show. Is she ready to go?" Again the farmer was amused and let them go. Once again, there was a knock on the door and a young man was standing there. He began, "My name is Chuck." The farmer shot him.

2007-05-31 09:51:49 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ok,

There were 3 guys who were roofers sitting on the roof of there latest job. they where on their lunch break and they all grabbed thier lunchboxes. The first guy takes his lunch box and says "If i open this lunch box and its leftover Spaghetti again im going to jump off this roof and kill myself! I eat spaghetti EVERY single day! And im sick of it!" So he opens his lunch and lo and behold its spaghetti, so he jumps off the roof and dies.
The second guy grabs his lunchbox and says " If i open this lunchbox and its a salad im going to jump off this roof too, I eat salad EVERY single day and im completely sick of it! so he opens his lunch and that is exactly what it is, so he jumps off the roof and dies.
The third guy grabs his lunchbox and says " If i open this lunch box and it is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich again im going to jump off this roof and kill myself! I eat peanut butter and jelly EVERY single day! and im sick of it!" so the third guy opens his lunch and

2007-05-31 09:43:48 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 old women were standing outside of their nursing home smoking.it started to rain so the 1st lady whips out a condom and cuts it in half,sticks it over her cigarette and continues smoking.
lady2:whats that??
lady1:a condom.
lady2:where did you get it??
lady1:u can get them at any drug store

the next day lady2 walks into a drug store and finds a clerk.
lady2:sir can u tell me where i can find a condem??

clerk:ummmmm yeah(he was a bit imbarased because she was WAY too old to be using one.)what brand would u like??

lady2:it dosnt matter just as long that it fits a camel.

the clerk faints.

wasnt that funny!!!!!!!??

2007-05-31 09:40:54 · 12 answers · asked by bella 2

2007-05-31 09:35:33 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

a car stopped quickly in front of me and i hit it in the ****..A dwarf got out and ran over to me and said "i`m not happy" So i said "Which one are you then?

2007-05-31 09:21:30 · 4 answers · asked by fletchfredarnie 4

I went to the super market the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him an idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

Then I got really angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. But I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner

2007-05-31 08:43:16 · 23 answers · asked by Shamona 2

theres a farmer fox goose and some grains all need to get across a bridge the farmer can only get 1 at a time, how do you get all of them across if the fox eats the goose the goose eats the grain (if left alone).

2007-05-31 08:32:43 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Old Joe the poacher decided to go bag some rabbits to sell for beer money and off he went. After a hour of putting his hand down their burrows he had no luck. Then he spotted the vicar and he came out with a rabbit every time. So he asked for the vicars secret. “Easy, I stick my hand up the wifes skirt and have a little fiddle, the rabbits can’t resist”. Off trots Joe back home were he finds the wife bent over cleaning the stove. He went behind her, put his hand up her skirt and split her whiskers. Without looking up she says “Hello vicar, you off for rabbits again”.

2007-05-31 07:16:29 · 10 answers · asked by tucksie 6

The Broken Lawnmower

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf, the house, always something more important to me than fixing the damn lawn mower .
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, when you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.
The doctors say I will, after extensive rehabilitation, walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Moral to this story:
Marriage is a relationship, in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband

2007-05-31 06:53:37 · 11 answers · asked by Greybeard 7

2007-05-31 04:30:12 · 18 answers · asked by kwlpondereplay 2

ok this is adding to my story about the pants ripping in the park, WELL i fell and and i got a rip in the crotch. it showed my crotchless panties. and the little kids all saw it. one mom even got so mad that she tried to call the police. because her little boy thought it was funny.



then. i went out to dinner with my boyfriend and forgot to change the pants. and he saw..

WHAT SHOULD I DO!??!??!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!

2007-05-31 03:09:56 · 10 answers · asked by Jennifer M 1

£5000 or $10,000 but you had to shag the next person who walked down the street..pot luck..would you for it..be honest

2007-05-31 03:05:31 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous