Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

My teacher asked me a riddle today and i cant seem to figure it out... here it goes..
guys are canoeing and one guys says where's your paddle and the other guy says sure does... she says that its spelled differently and said differently... i dont get it???? please help!!!

2007-05-29 18:57:26 · 7 answers · asked by mmmstarbucksandjambajuice 2

http://www.wolaver.org/Humor/I%20look%20like%20my%20dog.jpg

look like my dog

give a star if its funny

2007-05-29 18:55:15 · 22 answers · asked by ~!Blossom!~ 4

Doctor says to lawyer We were born on the same year, month, day, and minute. We were born in the same hospital, hospital room and we have the same 2 parents. We are not twins and we have no brothers. Explain this.

2007-05-29 18:30:31 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...

2007-05-29 18:13:35 · 42 answers · asked by <--.(",).--> 1

I'm so freaking bored and sad that I'll needlessly give away ten points to whosoever translate my username to english. If my memory serves me right, I answered two out of the many questions submitted here in Yahoo! Answers and actually revealed what it means. It's not hard, really. I'm just sad so go ahead, guess while you still can.

2007-05-29 17:58:04 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am just wondering for some laughs so please be humorous.

2007-05-29 17:51:26 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you like pranks, watch this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVpvwCXfgJs&mode=related&search=

2007-05-29 17:03:01 · 3 answers · asked by KÖoÌSÍÄy€r5 - "S" 4 SÍ 4

to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does, when Mary came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you so, dear?" asked the .
"Oh, Father, I've got terrible news," replied Mary.
"Well, what is it, Mary?" asked Father .
"Well, my husband passed away last night, Father," said Mary.
"Oh, Mary," said the father. "That's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"
"Well, yes he did, Father," replied Mary.
"What did he ask, Mary?" said the Father.
"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that gun.'"

2007-05-29 16:25:28 · 14 answers · asked by nan 2

5/29/07 - Bush is the overlord of all. Ha!

2007-05-29 14:03:40 · 8 answers · asked by prezen1 3

Now, be honest, scroll slowly. Don't cheat and read the answers
before
answering the questions first.

"It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test."

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As
we
grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use
it,
you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or
non-loss
of intelligence.


Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made
your
answer.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.




1. What do you put in a toaster?
















Answer: "bread." If you said "toast,"get up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
























Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't Attempt the next
question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content
yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World
However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made
from
blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black
house
is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?






















Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks,"
why
are you still reading these??? If you said "glass," go on to Question
4.


4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over
Germany (If you will recall,Germany at the time was politically
divided
into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, TWO
engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is
also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the
engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack
in
the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany.
Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no
man's land"?






















Answer: You don't bury survivors.



If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you
said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.

5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus; In
Reading,
six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two
people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16
people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on
In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at
Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
























Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!



Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than
you

2007-05-29 14:03:39 · 66 answers · asked by Anonymous

Then: gas 10 cents a gallon
Now: Gas $34565757847357898889992532424211 a gallon

Then: Take a ride in the car
Now: Take a ride in the fricken envelopes that tell you you owe money to the fricken IRS

Then: Piled high in joy and love
Now: Piled high in the fricken envelopes the mortgage fricken payments are in

Then: Dandy and laughter
Now: Fricken swimmin in my own crap

Then: Clean house
Now: fricken can't pay the bills for my toilet so it's piled high with crap

Then: Hide and seek
Now: Fricken playing hide and seek with my keys so I can't go to work now crap

Then: Your toy trucks are blown up by the evil monster
Now: Your truck is blown up by the fricken IRS

2007-05-29 13:59:13 · 8 answers · asked by to the moon 2

TRUE STORY!!! :D
My class was in a food technology lesson (basically where you learn to cook some stuff). And we was copying down the recipe for pizza, and the teacher writes on the board "Mozzarella". And everyone copies it down, except me and my best mate.
She turns around and goes to me "What do you call a princess Muslim? MOZZARELLA!!" And at the exact same time I was saying to her "What's an important Muslim called? MOZZARELLA!!"

Hehe, we're mind readers :D
We're only 14 so star this if you found it funny :)




If you were offended, I appologise, but I did warn you, so it's your own fault really.

2007-05-29 13:58:30 · 15 answers · asked by Nic 3

Three drunks were sitting at a bar.

The first drunk says "I went into my daughter's room, looked in the closet and found a case of beer...i didnt even know she drank!"

The second drunk said "thats nothing - i went into my daughter's room, looked in the drawer and found a pack of cigarettes...i didnt even know she smoked!"

The third drunk said "you two think you got problems? I went into my daughter's room, looked under her pillow, and found a pack of condoms..."

"...i didnt even know she had a penis!!!"

2007-05-29 13:38:21 · 13 answers · asked by thatsnotevenaquestion 4

A tradgedy renowned all through the town
To make the tradgedy complete we had to deal with heat
An Item: The person who made it didnt use it
The person who bought it sought not to
The person who used it didnt know it
What is the item and why did they deal with heat as a problem
I want both anwsers

2007-05-29 13:30:59 · 10 answers · asked by ? 4

Two women walked into a department store, stopped at the perfume counter and picked up a sample bottle. One sprayed the perfume on her wrist and smelled it. "That's nice, isn't it?" Sharon said waving her arm under her friend's nose. "Yeah. What's it called?" "Viens a moi." "Viens a moi? What's that mean?" A clerk offered some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me.'" Sharon took another sniff. "That doesn't smell like come to me," she said, offering her arm to her friend again. "Does that smell like come to you?"

2007-05-29 13:20:23 · 7 answers · asked by ==== 3

A man and a pregnant woman visit their doctor to see how the baby is coming along. While there, the doctor mentions that they have made a new treatment that allows a female to transfer the pain of childbearing onto the father of the baby. The couple decide that it is a good plan, so they hook up the mother and the doctor turns on the machine. "I'll start it off on 10% transfer rate.", the doctor says. "I don't feel anything painful at all.", the man says. "Oh yeah, baby! That's great!", the mother says. "That's odd", the doctor says, "I'll crank it up to 50%". "Still nothing...", the man says. The mother's smile gets even bigger. "Okay, I'll put it on 100% then.", the doctor says. "STILL nothing!", the man says. The woman looks very, very happy. "We'll just leave, this isn't working. I mean, it is for her, not for me though.", the man says. "That's fine. I'd say you're a very lucky man. This is the first time that the pain has just been deleted.", the doctor replies. So the couple....

2007-05-29 13:01:19 · 6 answers · asked by ==== 3

On a flight to Chicago,
a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.The flight attendant noticed his predicament.Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."He did what he needed to,and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one
labelled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist.He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.What a nice feeling, he thought.Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button.Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button.A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.

2007-05-29 12:41:53 · 20 answers · asked by Lauren. 4

a kid walks into the pharmcy and says to the ladie behind the counter, can you get me the blue thing right there? She says these are tampons do you really want these? he says yes they say you can swim and ride a horse, and my brother can't do either one. what do you think of that one?

2007-05-29 12:39:39 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A few American Christian go to heaven, and God bring them to the American section in the front. Then they see a group a little further away and they ask God who are they. God say that the Mexicans. Then there another group a bit further away and God say, their the New Zealands followed by a group of Kenya's and then the English and then the Greeces and the Indians and finally they see this group way out the back waving their hats play the dirigdo throwing boomaragangs, bush dancing and eatting damper and they ask God who are they and God says their the Australia thier the only one I can trust back that far.

2007-05-29 12:35:50 · 5 answers · asked by jobees 6

A woman gives birth to a baby and afterwards the doctor comes in and says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."
The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???"
The Doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
The woman says, "A hermaphrodite. What's that???
The Doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er...features...of a male and a female."
The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my God! You mean it has a pen*s AND a brain?"

2007-05-29 12:15:33 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

...The Optician pointed to the eye chart and asked if he could read the bottom line, and the Pole said, "Read it!, I KNOW him!

2007-05-29 12:05:24 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both mange to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk and the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea...let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Right," he replies. "Get your own f****** blanket."

2007-05-29 12:05:09 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://www.quizie.com/test.php?testid=618315

2007-05-29 12:02:04 · 8 answers · asked by Arielle D 3

Mario and Marie,a nice young couple,were getting married and were planning on living with Marie's mother until they could buy a place of their own.On their wedding night they went upstairs&were getting ready for bed.Mario started to get undessed, taking off his shirt first.He had hair all over his chest.Marie ran downstairs&told her mother.
"Mummy!! Mummy!! He's got hair all over his chest!"
Her mother replied "Marie, you go upstairs&make your mother proud."
So Marie ran upstairs&found Mario taking off his trousers.He was etremely hairy all over his legs.Marie ran down the stairs to tell her mother.
"Mummy he's got hair all over his legs."
"Marie, you go upstairs&make your mother proud."
Marie ran upstairs found her new husband sitting on the bed taking off his socks.Unfortunately, he had lost half of his foot in the war. Marie took one look&ran downstairs.
"Mummy, Mummy, he's only got a foot & a half!"
At this her mother yelled,"Marie, you wait here,I'm going to go upstairs!"

2007-05-29 12:00:17 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her
room giving her a sponge bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a
slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again
and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him,
"As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and
bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured that they'd close the curtains
for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart
rate. The nurses run back into the room.
"What happened!?"they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".

2007-05-29 11:54:13 · 9 answers · asked by old man 4

A doctor who had been seeing an 80year old at his surgery, for most of her life, finally retired.
At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realised she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs Smith, do you realise these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee. "Yes dear, I know that. But every morning I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 18year old grandaughter drinks...And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

2007-05-29 11:41:30 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

The mother superior proclaimed to three nuns that for one night they can indulge in any sins they wished and they would be forgiven the next day by drinking holy water.

The next day, each nun confessed their sin.

Nun #1 said, " I had s*x with 8 different men." the nun then drank some holy water and Nun#3 started to giggle.

Nun #2 said "I did various types of drugs" then she too drank some holy water and Nun #3 laughed out loud.

Mother superior lost her patience and said to the laughing Nun, "Well, what did you do?"

Nun #3 said, "I peed in the holy water."


Is it funny?

2007-05-29 11:26:44 · 9 answers · asked by (*_*) 3

2007-05-29 11:06:24 · 10 answers · asked by alc 3

paddy and murphy were walking down the road one day when they found two piglets in the road, they took them home and paddy and murphy said to each other how will we know which is mine and which is yours?


paddy said i know ile cut the ear off mine, so he did, then they went asleep, next mornining the piglets had been fighting and one had bit the ear off the other, murphy said blimey now they've both got an ear missing, how do we know which is mine and yours, paddy said i know ile cut the tail off mine so that we know, so he did, then went asleep, next morning they had been fighting again and both had their tail missing, murphy said blimey how do we know which is yours and which is mine now?

paddy said sod it, ile have the black one, you can have the pink one.

2007-05-29 11:04:19 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

2007-05-29 10:58:09 · 15 answers · asked by ? 4