Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

Your Birth Certificate is really an apology letter from the Condom factory!

2007-05-29 04:06:40 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

is this the way 2 ram a dildo

2007-05-29 04:05:02 · 14 answers · asked by AJAY 4

Want me to paint for you?
A blonde was recently fired from an M&M factory for throwing away Ws and peeling the shells on the candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to support herself. After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she found a man who needed a painter.

"I'm here for the paint job," she said.

"Alright," said the man. "Here is the paint and your brush. I want you to paint my porch behind the house."

The blonde immediately went to work painting. Within an hour, she was done and decided to put on a second coating.

After she finished, she returned to the man for her pay. She said with satisfaction, "I not only completed the job, but I even put on two coats of paint! By the way, that isn't a porsche out back. It's a new BMW.

2007-05-29 03:54:53 · 11 answers · asked by vegasbrother98 3

After a horrible car crash takes a man's life he acsends to heaven were Saint Peter is at the pearly gates. He walks up to the rather large old man and states his name. Saint Peter welcomes him but says he has something to show him first. Saint Peter then shows the man an enormous room full of clocks. The man says to Saint Peter, "Why are all these clocks in here"? Saint Peter replied, "These clocks represent men playing themselves. Every time a man touches his member the clock spins one hour." The man then says,"So were is my clock," to which Peter responds "Oh, we keep it in the office for a fan".

2007-05-29 03:46:57 · 7 answers · asked by JBaylus20 4

Mary had a shawty lamb
Little lamb, shawty lamb
Mary had a shawty lamb
Its fleece was white as snizzay

It followed ha ta schoo' one day
Schoo' one day, schoo' one day
It followed ha ta schoo' one day


Everywhere that Mizzle wizzay
Mary went,Mary went.
Everywhere T-H-to-tha-izzat Mary wiznent,
The lamb was sure ta go.

It followed gangsta ta schoo' one day
Schoo' one day, schoo' one day
It followed pimp ta schoo' one day
Which was against tha rules.

It made tha children laugh n play,
laugh n play, laugh n play . Keep'n it gangsta dogg.
It made tha children laugh n play,
To see a lamb at school.

ur thoughts lol
(http://www.gizoogle.com)

2007-05-29 03:43:50 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

These valuable courses specific to the needs of women has been thoughtfully prepared and presented by men as in-depth and life changing courses.

1. Elementary Map Reading

2. Crying and Law Enforcement

3. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR

4. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours

5. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast

6. The Seven-Outfit Week

7. PMS: It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine "It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty: Deal With it"

8. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmissions

9. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights

10. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed

11. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water

12. Football: Not a Game: A Sacrament

13. Telephone Translations: formerly titled "Me Too" Equals I Love You

14. How to Earn Your Own Money

15. Gift-giving Fundamentals: formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics = Good"

16. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side

17. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry

18. Yes, You Can Fill Up At A Self Serve Station

19. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels

20. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy

21. His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too

22. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out

23. Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock")

24. To Honor and Obey: Remembering the Small Print Above "I Do"

25. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House

26. Your Mate: Selfish B*stard, or Victimized Sensitive Man?

2007-05-29 03:36:13 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Will tell you the answer tonight.
Star if you like.
Thumbs up if you answer correctly

2007-05-29 03:15:37 · 18 answers · asked by bluebinjulie 5

>> >>
>> >> Why We Love Children
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> 1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a
>> >>cat, but it was dead.
>> >>
>> >> 'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her
>> >>pupil.
>> >>
>> >> 'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,'
>>answered
>> >>the child innocently.
>> >>
>> >> 'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
>> >>
>> >> 'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went
>>
>> >>'Pssst' and it didn't move'
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> 2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five
>>minutes
>> >>later.....'Da-ad....'
>> >>
>> >> 'What?'
>> >>
>> >> 'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
>> >>
>> >> 'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
>> >>
>> >> Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
>> >>
>> >> 'WHAT?'
>> >>
>> >> 'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of
>>water??'
>> >>
>> >> I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack
>>you!!'
>> >>
>> >> Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
>> >>
>> >> 'WHAT!'
>> >>
>> >> 'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of
>> >>water?'
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> 3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting
>> >>into mischief, finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into
>> >>Heaven?'
>> >>
>> >> The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in
>>and
>> >>out and in and out and keep
>>slamming the door until St. Peter says,
>> >>'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> 4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a
>> >>mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off
>>the
>> >>light when he
>> >>
>> >> asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you
>>sleep
>> >>with me tonight?'
>> >>
>> >> The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
>> >>
>> >> 'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's
>> >>room.'
>> >>
>> >> A long silence was broken at last by his shaky
>>little
>> >>voice: 'The big sissy.'
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> 5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service,
>> >>for the children's sermon.
>> >>
>> >> All the children were invited to come forward.
>> >>
>> >> One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress
>> >>and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That
>>is a
>> >>very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?'
>> >>
>> >> The little girl replied, directly into the minister's
>> >>clip-on microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a ***** to
>>iron.'
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> 6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child,
>>my
>> >>three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready
>>to
>> >>get into the shower.
>> >>
>> >> She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
>> >>
>> >> I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby
>>growing
>> >>in her tummy.'
>> >>
>> >> 'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> 7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to
>> >>himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a ***** is seven. Three
>>plus
>>
>> >>six, that son of a ***** is nine.....'
>> >>
>> >> His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What
>>are
>> >>you doing?'
>> >>
>> >> The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework,
>> >>Mum.'
>> >>
>> >> 'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the
>> >>mother asked
>> >>
>> >> 'Yes,' he answered.
>> >>
>> >> Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day,
>> >>'What are you teaching my son in math?'
>> >>
>> >> The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning
>>
>> >>addition.'
>> >>
>> >> The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two
>> >>plus two, that son of a ***** is four?'
>> >>
>> >> After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,
>> >>
>> >> 'What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF
>>WHICH,
>> >>is four.'
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> 8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the
>>story
>> >>of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the
>>story
>> >>where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '. and
>>so
>> >>Chicken
>> >>
>> >> Little went up to the
>>farmer and said, 'The sky is
>> >>falling, the sky is falling!'
>> >>
>> >> The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do
>>you
>> >>think that farmer said?'
>> >>
>> >> One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he
>> >>said: 'Holy ****! A talking chicken!''
>> >>
>> >> The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10
>>minutes.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> 9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would
>> >>reply, I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.'
>> >>
>> >> Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm
>> >>Jane
>>Sugarbrown.'
>> >>
>> >> The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
>>'Aren't
>> >>you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?'
>> >>
>> >> She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm
>>not.'
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> 10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside
>>and
>> >>play with the boys?'
>> >>
>> >> Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys,
>> >>they're too rough.'
>> >>
>> >> The little girl thought about it for a few moments and
>> >>asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with
>>him?'
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> 11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her
>>father.
>> >>She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair
>> >>cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her, 'Sweetheart,
>> >>you're gonna get hair on your muffin.'
>> >>
>> >> She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to
>>someone
>> >>else!!
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>

2007-05-29 03:15:07 · 6 answers · asked by smithtracey72 2

10. God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden, because he wouldn't ask for directions.

9. God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don't want to see what's ON TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)

8. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment.

7. God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new one for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.

5. God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would never be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.

4. As "keeper of the garden," Adam would need help in finding his tools.

3. Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident, and for anything else that was really his fault.

2. As the Bible says: "It is not good for man to be alone."

2007-05-29 02:01:52 · 19 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

If Men got pregnant

1. Maternity leave would last two years... with full pay.

2. There would be a cure for stretch marks.

3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.

5. All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

6. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

8. They wouldn't think twins were so cute.

9. Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.

10. Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.

11. Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.

12. They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

13. Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's.

14. Women would rule the world.

2007-05-29 01:07:33 · 27 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

Little Johnny's next door neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.

Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbours. He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behaviour and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank your butt when we get back home." I promise not to mention his
ears at all," said Little Johnny.

At the neighbour's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!" The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." He then said," This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet.

Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good? The mother a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a good thing, cause he'd be f**ked if he needed to wear glasses"

2007-05-29 00:53:04 · 11 answers · asked by Citizen Mac 6

the other day? i said i want a pet thats easy to look after,and doesnt need walking,and doesnt make any noise? the guy says what about a gold fish? i said yes,great ill take two?
do you want an aquarium he says......? i replied..im not really bothered what star sign it is? ah ah boom boom?

2007-05-28 20:48:59 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Is it really true that candid camera prank went wrong? I saw a video clip very long time ago and again recently when I was surfing around. It was a prank where a guy hide inside a post box and throw back letters whenever a person puts a letter. One guy got annoyed and shot inside the post box. Is it really happened? I mean did the guy get kill or is it part of the prank?

2007-05-28 19:03:10 · 12 answers · asked by slperera 3

He takes the elevator to the tenth and walks the last 5 flights....why?

2007-05-28 18:55:36 · 11 answers · asked by Muffin 5

This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching!

first right answer gets the 10!

2007-05-28 18:38:51 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

I love all men are to be forgiven. The foregoing sentence will make sense if it is properly punctuated. See if you can do so.

2007-05-28 18:11:43 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-28 17:42:42 · 9 answers · asked by sunrise 2

2007-05-28 16:38:38 · 5 answers · asked by conicat 5

2007-05-28 16:37:59 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-28 16:26:30 · 4 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

Can you decipher the musical instruments represented below?

1. P O

2. BA BA

3. ECLART

4. @ # $ %

To be honest, it would be better if you would just think about it for awhile and not just go and look it up. It kinda takes the fun out of being a riddle answerer!

2007-05-28 16:10:13 · 6 answers · asked by Ms* Shae* 3

One day the Shiek Jal-bar startled his advisors with a strange question.
"If somebody pulled my moustache, what sort of punishment should be given to him?" he asked.

"He should be Whipped!" said one advisor.

"He should be Shot!" said another.

"He should be Hanged!" said a third.

"And what about you, Al-Kabar?" asked the Shiek. "What do you think would be the right thing to do if somebody pulled my mustache?"

"He should be given candy," said Al-Kabar.

"Candy?" gasped the other advisors.

Why did Al-Kabar gave such a strange answer to the Emperor's strange question?

2007-05-28 15:44:04 · 8 answers · asked by ~just~me~ 1

he walked in to a bar and see’s a jar of ten dollar bills and asked whats the jar for. the bartender says its for 3 stunts so the guy asked what they are the bartender said first u have to pay up so the guy paid $10. and the bartender tells him the (remember this inportant for end)first stunt is drinking a bottle of tequila with no sweat (2) pull a sore tooth of a pit bull (3) make it with an old lady the guy said woah only a fool would do that
after he drank a few beers he asked for the bottle of tequila no sweat then he rushed out the bar to the back.first there was barking then a schreech then silence when he came back in he said "where's that lady with the sore tooth"

2007-05-28 15:17:58 · 4 answers · asked by ted b 1

A pirate with an eye patch seemed down at a bar. The bartender asked, "What's wrong?" The pirate replied, "Arrrgh, they wanted me to be a teacher... but I only had one pupil!"

2007-05-28 15:15:16 · 4 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

. . . and says "gimmie some chapstick and put it on my bill"

2007-05-28 14:54:13 · 9 answers · asked by dave_g_28 2

2007-05-28 14:50:18 · 5 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

A man was having problems with premature eja*ulation, so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. The doctor said when you feel like you are getting ready to eja*ulate, try startling yourself.

The same day the man went to the gun store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting.
As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later felt the urge to eja*ulate and fired the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked how things went.
The man answered, "Not that well...When I fired the startet pistol, my wife s*it on my face, bit 3 inches off my p*nis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands up in the air."

2007-05-28 13:59:10 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into a pet store and says, "I'm playing Long John Silver in the play Treasure Island, and I'm looking for a parrot. Can you sell me one?" The pet store owner says, "You don't want a real parrot, it'll squawk all the time and poop on your shoulder, and what if it falls off during the play?" The man says, "Well, I want to be as realistic as possible." The pet store owner says, "I've got a stuffed parrot you can use. Can you pick it up on Thursday?"

"Oh, I can't come on Thursday. That's when I'm getting my leg cut off."

2007-05-28 13:58:25 · 9 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

I have but one friend.We are always together.Sometimes I float.
Sometimes I sink.Many keep my company.Who am I?

2007-05-28 13:57:21 · 11 answers · asked by paul_dawisp 2

2007-05-28 13:45:51 · 4 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7