Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

2007-05-28 13:32:59 · 7 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

Dr Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly, "Dr. Parker, I do not think this is a proper question to ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I asssure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very red-faced.

Unperturbed, Dr Parker called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Dr Parker.

"And now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you. . One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

2007-05-28 13:30:21 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

because the grass is tickling his nuts.

2007-05-28 13:17:48 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-28 13:14:07 · 3 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

2007-05-28 13:05:01 · 12 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their *** to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new

2007-05-28 12:40:56 · 38 answers · asked by Groovy 3

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

2007-05-28 12:07:33 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Give me a good laugh
Best joke wins

2007-05-28 11:58:27 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

Has anyone got there account back after being suspended?

My old account was suspended mainly because of me telling some offensive jokes,
Ok it is quite easy to set up a new account but I did manage to get a reasonably good best answer score ,
I just wondered if you can ever get your old account back and if so how long does it take? and do you retain your best answer score?
Thanks for any info you might have on this.

(I've put this in "Jokes and Riddles" because I think you are more likely to get violations and suspensions from this section)

2007-05-28 11:46:38 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

a CIRCUS and a Beautiful girl's HEART???

2007-05-28 11:33:03 · 11 answers · asked by i love ice 3

......a man lives on the 12th floor, he take the elevator all the way down to the 1st floor to go to work...coming back from work he take the elevator to the 5th and goes up the stairs to 12th floor. why does he take the elevator only to the 5th floor???

2007-05-28 11:28:12 · 19 answers · asked by Promiss 1

2007-05-28 11:26:43 · 7 answers · asked by In Honor of Moja 4

2007-05-28 10:58:34 · 13 answers · asked by CianOL 1

2007-05-28 10:33:26 · 6 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

2007-05-28 09:56:24 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-28 09:53:59 · 8 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

Bird [ what kind]

or

Tiger or Lynx

2007-05-28 09:52:03 · 7 answers · asked by trieghtonhere 4

I need a poo and have ran out of toilet paper, what can i use instead, i have no tissues or kitchen roll or anything similar ahhhh!! turtles head!

2007-05-28 09:50:24 · 32 answers · asked by Darlingthatsfabulous 1

2007-05-28 09:48:23 · 8 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

2007-05-28 09:24:49 · 8 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

2007-05-28 09:18:31 · 20 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

I dream of kittens and then I wake up with tiny scratches on my arms. I don't own any cats. And other times I would dream of being bitten by any animal and I would have a bite mark on my leg or wherever. What do you think? lol I think i'm crazy.

2007-05-28 09:12:51 · 6 answers · asked by mysweetest666 1

A pirate walks into a bar with a mangy, infected parrot on his shoulder.
The bartender says, "You shouldn't be that close to something so disgusting, such a low-life animal."
The pirate says, "Arr, it's ok, he's had his shots."
Then the bartender says... "I was talking to the parrot!"

2007-05-28 09:11:58 · 4 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

2007-05-28 08:47:56 · 7 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

2007-05-28 08:31:33 · 3 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

2007-05-28 08:19:25 · 4 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

2007-05-28 08:08:14 · 6 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

A guy comes home from the bar with a sheep under his arm walks into the bedroom and says "this is the pig i have been screwing for the last 6 months" his wife says "
you drunk bastard thats not a pig thats a sheep he says "shut up i wasn't talking to you

2007-05-28 07:58:21 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman goes into a doctors surgery and complains that everytime she squeezes her left breast she farts.
The doctor is intrigued and asks the lady to remove her shirt.
She does so and the doctor proceeds in squeezing her left breasts; the woman farts. The doctor seems amazed by it.
He does it again and the moan farts.
The doctor gets up and goes into a little room at the pack of his surgery. He comes out with a large pole with a hook on the end.
The woman shrieks...."What are you going to do to me doctor?!?!"
He replies..."I'm gonna open some windows, it stinks in here!"

Matt

2007-05-28 07:57:24 · 11 answers · asked by mattzaliar 1

A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks on the front door. A really tough-looking lady opens the door. Before she can say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

2007-05-28 07:57:07 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous