Win 10 points!!!!!!!?

Question

Give me a good laugh
Best joke wins

Answer 1

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

Answer 2

The District Attorney requested all the robbery victims to
come to the police station to study a lineup of five people. He placed
his suspect at the end of the line. Then he asked each to step forward
and say, "Give me all your money...and I need some change in quarters,
nickels and dimes." The first four did it right. However, when it was
the last man's turn to recite, he broke the case by blurting out,
"That isn't what I said."





And another........






People and an Irishman were in a 4 engine jumbo jet heading
over the Pacific Ocean,
Suddenly, a Message is announced,
"Ladies and Gentlemen Engine #2 has Died, We will be 30 mins late"
"Damn!" Said the Irishman,
10 mins later, "I`m sorry people Engine #3 has died,
We`ll be 1 hour late"
20 mins later,
"Every one, engine # 4 has died,sorry, We`ll be 2 hours late"
Suddenly the Irish man speaks out,
"Bloody hell, If the last engine goes we`ll be stuck up here
all day!!"

Answer 3

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin?
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well,
Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Answer 4

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

Answer 5

Okay so A little girl rode her little tricycle over to the police man on the horse and she said in a cute way hello. The police officer says hello back and asks did santa give you that tricycle and she replies sure did. Then he looks the tricyle over carefully and says next time tell santa to put refelctors on your bike and then hands her a ticket. He said to hand that to her mommy and daddy. Then the little girl asked did you get your horse from santa? He giggled and said the one and only! Then the little girl said next time tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse with that she rode off.

Answer 6

3 men sat at a table . one man is 60 ,another man is 70 ,and the last one is 80.the 60 year old said " i have problems peeing ,i hate being old ."the 70 year old said i hate being old too. the 60 year said , can you pee with out problems the 70 year old man said i have no problem peeing i just can't crap . then the 80 year old said 80 is the hardest age i really hate being old .then the 60 year old man said do ya have problems peeing .no said the 80 year old .i pee every morning round 6:00 .then the 70 years old said , well what about crapping ,do ya have problems with that ? no , i crap every morning round 6:30 . Well whats wrong they asked . I don't wake up till 7:00 ! said the 80 year old man !

Answer 7

OK
3 guys were captured by cannibals
the king cannibal said they had one task
to go find 10 of type 1 fruit
The first guy found 10 apples and the king said he had to shove them up his butt without mincing or making noise
so he got to apple #2 and let out a low moan
the cannibals killed him in ate him
the second guy found 10 berries and he got #s 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 and then he laughed so the cannibals killed him and ate him 2
in heaven the first guy asked the second guy "Why did you laugh you so close to living" the second guy said " I saw the 3rd guy coming with pineapples

Answer 8

Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.
"I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder."

"What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light."

"What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there."

Answer 9

The "NASA" in National Aeronautics and Space Administration,
has been said to stand for,

Nachos
And
Salsa
Anyone?

Answer 10

Read the joke i just posted

Answer 11

ok.....
Here are 3
It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite.

He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.

The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.

This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time.

He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."

So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"




At his request, each morning three-year-old Ray's mother pinned a bath towel to the back shoulders of his size two T-shirt. Immediately in his young imaginative mind the towel
became a brilliant magic blue and red cape.

And he became Superman. Outfitted each day in his "cape," Ray's days were packed with adventure and daring escapades. He was Superman.

This fact was clearly pointed out last fall when his mother enrolled him in kindergarten class. During the course of the interview, the teacher asked Ray his name.

"Superman," he answered politely and without pause.

The teacher smiled, cast an appreciative glance at his mother, and asked again, "Your real name, please."

Again, Ray answered, "Superman."

Realizing the situation demanded more authority, or maybe to hide amusement, the teacher closed her eyes for a moment, then in a voice quite stern, said, "I will have to have your real name for the records."

Sensing he'd have to play straight with the teacher, Ray slid his eyes around the room, hunched closer to her, and patting a corner of frayed towel at his shoulder, answered in a voice hushed with conspiracy, "Clark Kent."



One day at school Little Johnny had to go potty but there was no toilet paper, he decided that he would just wipe with hand and no one would notice! So he walked out of the bathroom into the classroom with his hand shut tight. His teacher asked " What's in your hand Johnny?" Sweetly He said " A leprecon!" She smiled and ask again " What's in your hand?" Not so nice this time He replied a leprecon again and his teacher sent him to the office! While he waited for the time to pass in the office the principle asked What was in his hand because he still had it shut tightly he replied again with the same answer as always so she asked him to open his hand he refused and said he couldn't because she would scare him, so she threatened to call his parents he finally gave in and opened his hand she saw the poop and he said "SEE YOU SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF HIM!"