Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

paddy and mick had a nightmare day visiting the sperm bank in london.........
paddy missed the tube and mick came on the bus........... xx

2007-05-27 09:27:37 · 10 answers · asked by Mrs Chicagosgirl!! 5

A STARFISH!

2007-05-27 09:27:24 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Bannana SPLIT!

2007-05-27 09:26:31 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Early one morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.

"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."
"But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."
"One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me,"
"Oh! that's no reason. Come on, you have to go to school,"
"Give me two good reasons WHY I should go to school?"

"One, you are fifty-two years old. Two, you are the principal of the school."

2007-05-27 09:25:00 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three old pilots are walking on the ramp.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Lets go get a beer."


A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" " Twelve thirty."


An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing termsHoney, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc... The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names." The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago".

2007-05-27 08:53:30 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-27 08:50:54 · 18 answers · asked by HAYLEY 3

A guy visits his gran in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.

Eventually his gran wakes up, and the guy realises he has finished the entire bowl of peanuts!

"I'm so sorry gran, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"

"That's okay, dearie," she replied. "I dont normally eat them once i've sucked the chocolate off."

2007-05-27 08:13:31 · 12 answers · asked by thatsnotevenaquestion 4

A sexy blonde is learning to play golf when a bee stings her.
She is rather upset and walked back to the clubhouse when she passed her coach who asked her what is wrong.
She replied: ” a bee has stung me.“
”Oh, where“ he asked.
She replied: ” between the first and the second hole“
Coach: ”Ah, that means you stood with your legs too far apart!“

2007-05-27 07:58:04 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

There once was a bear& a rabbit that hated each other. One day they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each 3 wishes.The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I want a motorcycle helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the U.S. and all the rest were female." And he got his wish.

The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go w/ that helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish.

Then It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."

2007-05-27 07:48:23 · 11 answers · asked by Deirdre Z 1

Policeman: ”Lady, I am arresting you for prostitution.“

Woman: ”No I am not a prostitute and am not having sex for money. I am selling condoms for $90 each, with a free demonstration attached.

2007-05-27 07:48:07 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Serial killer and his victim walk through a dark and scary forest.
Victim to killer:“ I am scared.“
The serial killer replies: ”Why are you scared, we are two… do you know how scared I am, I have to walk this way back all alone...“

2007-05-27 07:45:15 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

but the drunk cut him off, yelling, “Stay out of this mister, I’m talking to the little guy sitting on your knee!”

2007-05-27 07:19:48 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.

She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.

"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

2007-05-27 07:17:38 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman who was fed up with her husband for drinking too much asked their priest what she could do. She said that she was at the end of her wits and something just had to be done. The priest said to just leave it up to him and that she should call him the next time he comes home drunk. Two days later he gets the call and goes to the woman's house. He has her help him drape white sheets across the ceiling and walls. They put the bed he was passed out on in the middle of the room and emptied everything else. Then the priest put on a white suit with huge fake angel wings on the back. He tells the woman to wait for him outside while they wait for the husband to wake up.
Finally, the husband wakes up, still in a drunken stupor. He looks around and everything is a little blurry, but everything is white. Then he sees the 'angel' standing over him. He raises up on one elbow, looks at the 'angel' and says, "Is this the place I think it is?"
The priest says, "Yes, my son...you're dead"

2007-05-27 06:04:07 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took
their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.


"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.




"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brou ght out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.


"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.


"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the
table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.


"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.


"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"



But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"





You're gonna LOVE me for this....






The third piggy says -



"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

2007-05-27 05:05:13 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde all work in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed the boss left work early.

One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they'd leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back, so how was she to know?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy, happy, happy to be home, but when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!!! Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, during their coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was with them.

"NO WAY," she exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

2007-05-27 04:49:10 · 9 answers · asked by chris 3

A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven.

When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, "Sorry, heaven's crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."

He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?" "Oh, that's easy," the teacher replied, "the Titanic." So St. Peter let her into heaven.

Next he turned to the petty thief. "How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asked. "Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1, 500." St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.

Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer. He simply said to him: "Name them."

2007-05-27 04:22:10 · 16 answers · asked by Ms Medieval 7

Three different religious authorities were once asked how much money each week they decided to donate their faiths.
The Christian explained it this way. "I see it as a test in effort. I draw a line like a goal line and then I fling all my money in that direction. What ends up on the other side of that line is for God, and what falls short is for me."
The Muslim explained it like a circle. Those inside the circle, or outside. Draw a circle and throw all your money. Whatever falls inside the circle is for God, and whatever falls outside it is for himself.
Finally the Jew was asked how he decided on how much he donated.
He replied, "I throw my money toward heaven. If it stays up there it is for God, if it falls back down, it is for me".

2007-05-27 04:04:46 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sunday afternoon a woman is driving her husband home from the pub, out of knowhere he says "I wana divorce!" he looked at her but she calmley increase the speed from 30 to 35, he then said "and i have been sleepin with your best friend and shes better than you in bed!" she continued driving but increased the spped to 40. "Am going to get custody of the kids, the house and the cars" he said but she increased the speed to 50 now and started driving a brick wall. Her husband said "What do you want?" "I have everything i want!" she said "whats that?" "The air bag!!"

2007-05-27 03:19:17 · 30 answers · asked by an146442 1

A man goes to his buddies house, where he finds him home. After a drink, his friend asks him to get the shoes fom upstairs. He goes upstairs and sees his wife and his 18 year old gorgeous daughter sitting on the couch . He gets an idea. He says to them , Your husband told me to have sex with you and your daughter. The wife , ooutraged replies, My daughter too? . "Yes thats correct, here you can see for yourself".

He then yells out to his buddy downstairs " Both of them ?"

2007-05-27 01:24:40 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

You're a freshman in high school. You have a gal. She's a sophmore. She really likes you because you hard, and you always back up your words. Then you start getting picked on by this dude (5'11). He starts calling you out, but you'll be smart about it and ignore it, because the principal will not tolerate fighting at his new school and will throw you out in a heartbeat. The bell rings for lunch, and you're at your locker to put you back-pack for lunch. Passing you by is that same dude, and three of his friends (6'2, 6'3). They give you a look. You get your lunch, the dude bumps into you on purpose says it was an accident. You get another tray of lunch, sit down next to your gal. Next thing you know, the dude stuff (cups, straws milk cartons) at you and a straw gets in your gals food. You tell the security guard but he's reading a sports illustrated. You tell your gal, and she tell you to deal with them. You tell her bout th principal. Then she quotes, "ain't chu a man?" What chu gon do

2007-05-27 01:20:41 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-27 01:04:24 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 men check into the only room available in a hotel, and the night clear asks them to pay $ 10 each totaling to $ 30. Next morning, the manager takes charge from the night clerk and realizes he has over charged the 3 men and asks the night clerk to return $ 5 to them, since the room was only $ 25 a night. The night clerk was not able to divide $ 5 in 3 equal parts so he decides to return $ 1 each to the 3 men and pocket the remaining $ 2. So now each of the 2 men have paid $ 9 each totaling to $ 27, and the remaining $ 2 is with the night clerk. Since we started with $ 30, where is the remaining $ 1? Anyone?

2007-05-27 00:58:22 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The little girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?" The boy replied, "I don't know." At that time he hears his mum calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch. Then he sees his dad on the couch. He goes up to his dad and ask him, "What is a penis?" The dad whips his out and says to the boy, "This is a penis, as a matter of fact this is the perfect penis."

The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods. The girl again asks him what a penis is. He whips out his penis and says to her, "This is a penis, and if it was two inches smaller it would be the perfect penis!"

2007-05-27 00:29:58 · 3 answers · asked by jaymiae 2

My neighbour was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

2007-05-27 00:27:31 · 40 answers · asked by Anonymous

Lil Johnny was sitting in the classroom and the teacher was asking the pupils to say the alphabet! Johnny put up his hand and says "miss may I go to the toilet"? the teacher replies no its ur turn to say the alphabet" so Johnny starts ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ! "Not bad Johnny but where is the P? "Johnny replies its running down my leg miss" lol

sorry I not good at telling jokes but I tried my best lol

2007-05-27 00:21:21 · 5 answers · asked by missthong2003 3

A man meets a women and agrees to spend the night with her for £500,they do the deed but he says he will ask his secretary to send the cheque to her calling the payment "rent for apartment"..later he decides it wasnt worth the price so his secertary sends a note with a cheque for £250....
Dear madam,please find cheque enclosed for rent of ur apartment i was under the impression that
1)it had never been occupied
2)there was plenty of heat
3)it was small enough to make me cosy
The women returns the cheque writing Dear sir i return ur cheque becos ..
1)i cant understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely
2)there is plenty of heat-if you know how to turn it on
3)the apartment is of regular size but if you dont av enough furniture to fill it ......
DONT BLAME THE LANDLADY........

2007-05-26 23:48:02 · 16 answers · asked by casha1 6

A young man wanted to get his beautiful California Valley Girl wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear As a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

2007-05-26 22:11:59 · 17 answers · asked by shyababy05 1

Q--why was the egyptian boy confused?
A--his father was a mummy
*********************************************
doctor--i got a bad news and a worse,,
patient--what is it?
doctor--u r gonna die in 24 hours,,
patient--what could be worse than that,,
doctor--i m trying to tell this to u since yesterday,,
*******************************************
patient--tell me doc,,hoe much time do i have?
doctor--10
patient--10 what,,days,,months,,years,,??
doctor--10,,9,,8,,7,,6,,,,,,,,,
*****************************************
mother--why were u singing in the bathroom,,while having a bath?
father--coz the door wont lock,,
*****************************************
mak--does ur dad raise his hand on ur mom?
sam--only for self-defence,,
*****************************************
Q--whats the difference between a train-guide and a teacher?
A--one minds the train,,other trains the mind,,
****************************************

2007-05-26 22:09:34 · 6 answers · asked by kp 2

.... the fiance says to the dealer 'This house is great but the train station is too near, its very noisy isnt it?"

The dealer says " Yes it is noisy but dont worry, after one week you will get used to it"

And the blond girl" Oh honey lets buy it! And dont worry, we can stay at a hotel for this one week!"

2007-05-26 22:02:54 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous