Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

if I mosey on down to the local watering hole for a wee bit of rum?

2007-05-26 11:15:51 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

That ugly bird from the apprentice and jaja binks!

2007-05-26 11:12:11 · 7 answers · asked by stacey d 2

Why you should never take your husband shopping with you.
Letter:
Mrs. Fenton, Our store is considering banning your family from ever
shopping with us unless your husband waits for you in the car.

MEMO: surveillance cameras.

Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has
done while his spouse/partner is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsing through, yelled PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in
here!"

2007-05-26 11:02:04 · 16 answers · asked by Gilmore G 2

A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?

The young man answered "Eye, boss, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle.


The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

The Geordie said "Just the one, boss."

The manager groaned and continued "Just one?" Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?

£124,237.64" replied the Geordie.

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"

"Nah, nah......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his ladyfriend and I said......... 'Well, since ya weekend's f**ked, you might as well go fishing."

2007-05-26 08:56:23 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

One more blond girl because you must be over 18 to watch that movie.

2007-05-26 08:26:37 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.
"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.
"How long did it take you?"
"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

2007-05-26 08:02:19 · 13 answers · asked by nfslpu 2

2007-05-26 05:00:21 · 21 answers · asked by asmikeocsit 7

2007-05-26 04:54:35 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man goes to the doctors,and says doctor I keep thinking I that I am a moth. the docor replies I am a G.P what did you come in here for you need to see a phyciatrist the man say yes I know but the light was on.

2007-05-26 04:26:51 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids and she was yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart greeter says,"Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Marts. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. Oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind or just stupid?"
"I'm neither blind nor stupid." replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

2007-05-26 02:59:51 · 10 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

A man goes to his doctor and says, "Doctor Doctor, please help me! Iv got a problem." The doctor examines the man and finds the man has a red ring around his penis. The doctor gives him an ointment to rub on the problem area.

"Its all cleared up!" the man reports when he returns. "But what was that medication you gave me?"

"Lipstick remover!"

2007-05-26 02:32:00 · 12 answers · asked by ruthiebaby 2

Driver asks, "Officer, why you pull us over?" Cop Says, "You were speeding but i'm in a good mood today. If you can give me a sentence using the colors green, pink, and yellow. I will let you go with no ticket. So the 3 mexicans in thier broken english try and think of a sentence using the 3 colors. Finally the driver turns to the cop and says, " We are redy, da lady hears da phone go green, green, and she pink it up and says yellow."

2007-05-26 00:59:37 · 13 answers · asked by Chico Escuela aka Rob 4

I pulled an older woman at a club last night.
She was all right for 57. We drank a bit, had a bit of a snog and she asked if I'd ever had the Sportsman's Double: a mother and daughter threesome ?
I said: "No I haven't as it happens..."
So we drank a bit more and then she says to me that "tonight was my lucky night then".
I finished my drink quickly and went back to her house.......she put the hall light on and shouted upstairs...


"Mum!....you awake ?"

2007-05-25 23:25:21 · 26 answers · asked by KoolAid 3

The Three bears go to the Philippines, That's Mama bear, Papa bear, and Baby bear yes? They pass the customs and hail a cab outside the terminal, they get in. Now, how many bears are in the Taxi?

Answer: Four

Why?

2007-05-25 23:03:32 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking thru the phone book, she came upon a Chinese sex therapist named Dr. Chang.

When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms and he said, "Take off all your clothes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor."

She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, "Now...you crawl real fass back to me," and she did. Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Ed Zachary disease....worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem."

The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Ed Zachary Disease was and he replied, "Ed Zachary Disease....that when your face rook ED-ZACHARY rike your ***!"

2007-05-25 22:39:57 · 9 answers · asked by ? 4

like controling your breath while raping to allow one to flow with the beat

2007-05-25 22:38:39 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

girls night out-
2 girls decided they should go to a bar. after 2 hours of drinking, they were finally drunk. when they were going home, they decided they needed to pee. so one girl said lets go to the graveyard and pee. so they made up their minds and peed there. one girl chose to wipe with her undies and then throw them away. then the other girl didnt do that because her undies were apart of an expensive set so instead, she took a ribbon from a wreath and used it to wipe. after each girl got home, the 2 husbands of the 2 girls called each other. one husband said, my wife came home without her undies! maybe she do have another man! and the other man said, well, mine is worse. she had a card stuck in her butt that says: from all of us at the fire station, we will not forget you!

2007-05-25 22:26:53 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

There's a lesson here.
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank. "Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special. Cabbie: "There's more.. He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his friggin' widow."

2007-05-25 22:18:42 · 4 answers · asked by old man 4

Poor man.
a man was sitting at a bar staring at his drink. another guy comes in and sat next to him. seeing that he is just looking at his drink, he takes his drink, and drinks it up. the first guy starts crying. the guy who came in said, aw man! ill buy u another 1. no need to cry! the guy who was crying said, look, today is the worst day of my life. first, i get to work late and i get fired, then i was planning to get home when my car was stolen. then i took the taxi home and realize that my wallet and credit cards were in the taxi but the taxi already left. and when i got up to my room, i see my wife with a guy in bed, and now, i was just about to end my life when you came in and drank my poison!

2007-05-25 22:07:22 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?" "Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?" "Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?" "And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?" "Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?" "Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your t.i.t.s twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"

2007-05-25 21:45:52 · 14 answers · asked by ? 4

A man, George, is 76 years old and doesn't drive anymore and he cannot hear very well either.
Since his wife is only 65 and both drives well and hears, she takes him everywhere.
One day he had a doctors appointment because George hadn't been feeling well.
The nurse comes in and says "I'm going to take your temperature now. "What's that?" he asks.
His wife states louder, "Open up your mouth, George."
After that's been done, the nurse notices that because of the nature of George's illness, the doctor needs further tests.
"I need a stool sample from you George."
"Huh?" he states.
His wife, getting very frustrated, hollers back at him, "For crying out loud, George, she said she needs your pants!!"

2007-05-25 20:30:40 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

the little girl looks down at him and says, can i tough it? the little boy says no way you already broke yours, lol.

2007-05-25 19:42:18 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

The wife says why the hell did you do that? The house is a mess, the dishes are dirty, my hair is messed up and i dont feel like cookng a fancy meal!!! The husband replies i know all that. The wife says, then why did you invite him? So the husband says, well that idiot is thinking about getting married.

2007-05-25 19:28:10 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-25 19:01:11 · 13 answers · asked by alan p 2

So gay guys can play "Star Wars".

2007-05-25 18:32:09 · 5 answers · asked by mysweetest666 1

Space, Enter, and Keys
I have keys that open no locks, I have space, but there is no room, You can enter, but you can't go in. What am I?

2007-05-25 18:28:42 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

He has a drink when out of the other end of the bar this guy yells, "hey i screwed your mom last night". So the guy tries to ignore him and sips on his drink. The guy gain yells at him "hey did you hear me, i had sex with your mom". And the guy is getting irritated but still ignores him. Then just before the guy is about to yell another comment at him the guy says, "Dad go home your drunk". lol.

2007-05-25 18:20:11 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why did the goverment (uk) insist all bouncer became licensed with a credit card style badge?

So every bouncer in england has some thing to cut his cocain with!

2007-05-25 18:13:01 · 3 answers · asked by laralouise84 2

well umm you can just tell me the joke you know. and well see if i like it! leave ur name so i can tell you if i like it or not.

2007-05-25 18:12:07 · 7 answers · asked by maybe i am really bored! 1

She goes up to her and says, "looking at you i would think this countrie is suffering from starvation. The brunette looks at her and says, "looking at you i would think you were the reason", lol.

2007-05-25 18:08:42 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous