Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her
husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next
husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At last they're finally
together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you
mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

"I mean her legs!"








rate please

2007-05-25 09:38:47 · 16 answers · asked by snake1a2b 1

woman walks into a supermarket, and notices a male customer whose zipper is
undone. The woman kindly says" excuse me sir,but your barracks doors are open".
Not having a clue what the woman was talking about he continued shopping. A few
moments later another customer approached the man and explained that his zipper
was undone. The man zipped up and continued his shopping. At the checkout he ran
into the woman who originally informed him of his zipper.He decides to play into
her unusual comment; "excuse me maam, when you noticed my barracks door was
open, did you happen to see a soldier standing at full attention?" The woman
responded by saying " no, all i saw was a disabled vet sitting on two duffle
bags"

2007-05-25 09:34:53 · 20 answers · asked by snake1a2b 1

Superman was flying over a nude beach when he noticed Wonder Woman sunbathing.
Being faster than a speeding bullet he decides that he can screw her quick
without her knowing. So he swoops down does his business. Wonder Woman jumps up
and says "what the hell was that?", the Invisableman replies "I don't know but
my *** sure hurts."

rate please

2007-05-25 09:33:25 · 6 answers · asked by snake1a2b 1

there was a little boy it was his birthday. he goes up to his mom and says "can i take a shower with you?". she says "No". " please it's my birthday" says the boy. "ok but don't look up or down ok?" the mom replies. when in the shower he looks up and down. "mommy what are those and what is that?" he asks. " Those are my headlights and thats my bush. Then after he asks his dad the same question and he says " no". "please it's my birthday" his dad says "ok just don't look down". "ok" the boy says. When in the shower the boy looks down and asks "dad whats that?". "It's my snake" his dad replies. At night the boy goes to his mom and dad and asks " can i sleep with you?" "no" they both say. " please it's my birthday" the boy says. " ok just don't look under the bed sheets" his mom says. when they're in bed he looks down. He shouts and says " Mommy turn on your headlights!, theres a snake in your bush!!!!!!".


rate please

2007-05-25 09:31:49 · 14 answers · asked by snake1a2b 1

two sausages are frying in a pan. one says to the other "WHOOOWIEE!!!! it sure is hot in here" the other somewhat suprised at the exclamation responded by saying "HOLY CRAP!!! A TALKING SAUSAGE!!!"

2007-05-25 09:30:20 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why do you think the chicken/egg came first?

2007-05-25 09:27:28 · 22 answers · asked by $A-Money$ 3

The general woke up one morning,he had a splitting headache and he was still wearing his uniform,which was covered in vomit.There was a knock at the door, and a soldier walked in carrying the generals breakfast.'Good god, sir, are you all right .' asked the soldier.'Err, yes' replied the general.' I was walking back to the barracks last night,and a drunken squaddie bumped into me and puked down my front.If i find out who the bastard is I will make him do a hundred laps around the parade ground wearing his full kit ' Cleaning the general up the soldier replied ' Better make that two hundred laps Sir , he's sh#t in your pants too '

2007-05-25 09:10:46 · 9 answers · asked by ? 5

When I was in 2nd grade I was bored during class and staring at the kids in the row next to me. A girl had a sick look on her face, and all of a sudden she sneezed and threw up at the same time. Not one drop got on her, but the entire mass of vomit landed on the head of the girl sitting in front of her. I can still see the throw up dripping down her face and hands, and little balls of it in her eyelashes! Her mom came and took her home for a shower and then brought her back to school, while the other girl was out for a long time cuz she was ashamed to show her face.

2007-05-25 08:53:38 · 11 answers · asked by Lavender 1

> > THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT
> >
> > A flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant,
>who seemed
> >to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
> >As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle
and
>told us that
> >"Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the
big
> >scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your
trays
>up,
> >that would be super." >
> > On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and
rather
> >Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear
me
> >over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your
trazy-poo, so
> >the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
> >
> >She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
>Princess
> >and I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant
replied,
> >without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm
called a
> >Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, *****."

2007-05-25 08:50:49 · 12 answers · asked by Jessika 2

>A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one
>day, so she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.
>
>She carefully steps out of the car and opens the
>trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and
>stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
>
>The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats,
>exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...
>
>Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and
>backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car
>arrives. The Officer,
>clearly enraged, approaches the
>blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling,
>"What is going on here?"
>
>"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
>
>"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures
>doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer...


"Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

2007-05-25 08:49:16 · 14 answers · asked by Jessika 2

It was late one night while I was on my soft sofa in the living room. Enjoying a pimp my ride marathon after a long week. The house completely still while my parents were upstairs sleeping. And then, finally the good part of pimp my ride was on, the part where the person goes crazy after seeing their new ride. Then all of a sudden I heard the curtain blinds move slowly. I looked over in the direction of the noise and nothing, I guess it was just the cool night air blowing on it that caused it. But no! There was the noise again...was i going crazy? That is all I could think of at the moment until my eyes confirmed my ears. THE F***** ROACH! It climbed on to the couch. "Oh s****" I said in my mind. I jumped off that couch like a crackhead off the bench for a quarter on the floor. "what should I do"...I didnt know...I looked around me to see what I could use to fight in this war. But because of it on the couch i could not squish it there; its guts would be all up in the material.

2007-05-25 08:18:15 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

i am after some idea's! the little things that can make the day special?

2007-05-25 08:17:35 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

You ask a dumb, childish question while you are taking a break at work and people get seriously offended. I actually had some people take the question seriously. Really, how miserable must it be to be in your company? Hello people, meet "Lighten up", "Lighten up", please help me remove the sticks from their behinds. Geez!! And they said I had problems, yeah, in bizzaro world.

2007-05-25 08:10:21 · 7 answers · asked by johnny cal 2

A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5 year
old son waiting for him at the door.
"Daddy, may I ask you a question?"
"Yeah, sure, what is it?" replied the man.
"Daddy, how much money do you make an hour?"
"That's none of your business! What makes you ask such a thing?" the man said angrily.
"I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?" pleaded the little boy.
"If you must know, I make $20.00 an hour."
"Oh, " the little boy replied, head bowed. Looking up, he said, "Daddy,
may I borrow $10.00 please?"
The father was furious. "If the only reason you want to know how much
money I make is just so you can borrow some to buy a silly toy or some
other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to
bed. Think about why you're being so selfish. I work long, hard hours everyday and don't have time for such childish games."
The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. The man sat down and started to get even madder about the little boy's questioning.
How dare he ask such questions only to get some money. After an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think he may have been a little hard on his son. May be there was something he really needed to buy with that $10.00 and he really didn't ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door. "Are you asleep son?" he asked.
"No daddy, I'm awake," replied the boy.
"I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier," said the man. "It's been a long day and I took my aggravation out on you. Here's that $10.00 you asked for."
The little boy sat straight up, beaming. "Oh, thank you daddy!" he yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow, he pulled out some more crumpled up bills. The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at the man.
"Why did you want more money if you already had some?" the father grumbled.
"Because I didn't have enough, but now I do," the little boy replied. "Daddy, I have $20.00 now... Can I buy an hour of your time?"

2007-05-25 08:07:29 · 16 answers · asked by nunofurbiznass 3

The Images of Mother:
Age 4 ~ My Mommy can do anything!
Age 8 ~ My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
Age 12 ~ My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
Age 14 ~ Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.
Age 16 ~ Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
Age 18 ~ That old woman? She's way out of date!
Age 25 ~ Well, she might know a little bit about it.
Age 35 ~ Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
Age 45 ~ Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
Age 65 ~ Wish I could talk it over with Mom.

2007-05-25 08:04:30 · 9 answers · asked by nunofurbiznass 3

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure."She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

2007-05-25 07:57:31 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God... "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man,' Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly aroused, but since you've being complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your... ah, physical needs. He'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advise to think proper

2007-05-25 07:55:47 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. And for years and years they lived there, one day they find a magic lamp. They rub and rub and sure enough out comes a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one." So the brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life. I wish I was home.", and POOF she is gone. The redhead makes her wish, "This place stinks, I wish I was home with my family also.", and POOF she is gone. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie says to her, "My dear what is the matter?" The blonde replies, "I wish my friends were here."

2007-05-25 07:55:02 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed, with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's actor. "Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly. "Do you realize that is the President of the United States' airplane?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped. "Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting of his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning." "The President of the United States is DEAD?" The agent gulped in disbelief. "Yep, he kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is!"

2007-05-25 07:54:04 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three Ladies rent a hotel room for $30. After they go to the room the Desk Clerk discovers he overcharged them $5. He sends the Bell hop up with $5 to give back to the ladies. The Bell hop decides that 5 can't be devided by 3 so he gives each lady $1. He keeps $2. Now 3x9 equals 27 and the Bell Hop kept 2 so that is 29. Where is the missing $1

2007-05-25 07:24:07 · 17 answers · asked by afternoondelight 1

Two cannibals catch a pygmy and not knowing how to devide him up they decide to each start eating at one end and meet in the middle. After a couple minutes one cannibal asks the other " So how do you like it?"

The other cannibal looks up and says " This is Great I'm havin a Ball!!"
First cannibal says "Slow down your eating too fast!"

2007-05-25 07:09:40 · 10 answers · asked by jimapalooza 5

An old cowboy sat down at the Star bucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"


He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."


She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."


The two sat sipping in silence.


A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"


He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

2007-05-25 06:31:02 · 10 answers · asked by riverman 3

2007-05-25 06:27:45 · 18 answers · asked by bananas! 3

It's more powerful than God.
It's more evil than the devil.
The poor have it.
The rich need it.
If you eat it, you'll die.
What am I ?

2007-05-25 06:18:28 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynaecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked. "Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sex with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

2007-05-25 06:09:56 · 19 answers · asked by richard_beckham2001 7

A cowboy walks into a bar and two stepsin, he realizes it's a gay bar.
But decides, what the heck," as he says to himself. I really need a
drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, What's the name
of your penis?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not Into any of that. All I want is a
drink."

The gay waiter says, " I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell
me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the
slogan 'Just Do It'.
That guy down at the end of the Bar calls his Snickers, because it
really Satisfies."

The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he'll give him
a second to think it over.

The cowboy turns to the man drinking a beer and sitting to his left and
asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX."

The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and
keeps on tickin!"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who
happens to be sharing a fruity Margarita and asks, "So, What do you
guys call
yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality
is Job One. "Then he adds, "Have you driven a FordLately?"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY....Like a Rock!"And
gives a wink.

Even more shaken by all this the Cowboy has to think for a moment
before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to
the
bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me a
damn
beer."

The bartender brings a beer and as he begins to pour it he turns to the
cowboy with a puzzled look and asks, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A
WOMAN!"

2007-05-25 06:09:05 · 21 answers · asked by bperez2002 3

Paddy and Murphy on an airplane Paddy turns to Murphy and says "Murphy if this plane turns upside down will we fall out?" Murphy say "We have been friends for 21 years why would we fall out?"

2007-05-25 05:54:47 · 4 answers · asked by an146442 1

A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old guys were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.



The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"



"Sir," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous."



"I beg to differ, Officer, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old man said.



The trooper, chuckling, explained to him that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the man grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out his error.



"But before I let you go, Sir, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These guys seem awfully shaken."



"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute," the old man said. "We just got off Route 119."

2007-05-25 05:47:24 · 5 answers · asked by chloe1st 4

" there was a bear and a rabbit taking a sh*t in the woods, the beat turns to the rabbit and asks "excuse me sir but do you have problems with sh*t sticking to your fur?" the rabbit says "no" so the bear grabs the rabbit and wipes his A**"

George Lopez

2007-05-25 05:36:46 · 8 answers · asked by bonita 2

An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work one day when his wife rings him on his carphone,

"honey", she says in a worried voice, "Be careful! There was a something on the news just now, some lunitic is driving the wrong way down the motorway",

i know he said "It's worse than that!", he replies, "Theres bloody hundreds of them!"

2007-05-25 05:15:55 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous