Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

While there were few advertised answers, the two hour show was very good. If the writers had kept to the present time period on the island and not had so many flashbacks, viewers may have stayed with the show. Having reruns every other week, last year did not help. Last night gave an example of how good this program can be.

2007-05-24 01:32:52 · 5 answers · asked by 2hot 3

I live above a star, and yet I never burn,
I have eleven neighbors, and yet none of them turn,
I am visited in sequence, first, last or in between,
PRS (& sometimes Q) are my initials,
Now, tell me what I mean.

2007-05-24 01:32:31 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Double header!

2007-05-24 01:27:57 · 14 answers · asked by nan 1

2007-05-24 01:25:15 · 21 answers · asked by jack_watkins62 1

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:


"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.


Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.


After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


*******************************


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!!


1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

2007-05-24 01:25:08 · 25 answers · asked by Tony T 4

AT 8 you take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who are you???

2007-05-24 01:18:05 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-24 01:15:09 · 6 answers · asked by Shelby 2

Women have X because they are mysterious ie.
the X files
X marks the spot

Men have Y because we are constently asking Why ?...Why ?...Why ?

2007-05-24 01:01:15 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-24 00:58:25 · 7 answers · asked by denzel d 1

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

“Breast fed,” the woman replied.

“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

Motioning for her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is under weight! You don’t have any milk.”

“I know,” she said, “I’m his grandmother, but I’m glad I came.”

2007-05-24 00:51:40 · 11 answers · asked by Citizen Mac 6

WHAT WALKS ON FOUR LEGS IN THE MORNING
TWO LEGS IN THE AFTERNOON
AND THREE LEGS AT NIGHT?

2007-05-24 00:27:08 · 14 answers · asked by ? 5

As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

2007-05-24 00:15:14 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-23 23:54:24 · 17 answers · asked by Delirius 2

It's your first time.
As you lie back your muscles tighten.
You put him off for a while searching for an excuse,
But he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.
He has had more experience,
But it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses;
But he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him
- he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you
And you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time,
Wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.
As he presses closer, going deeper,
You feel the tissue give way;
Pain surges throughout your body
And you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.
Your eyes are filled with tears
But you shake your head and nod for him to go on.
He begins going in and out with skill
But you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments,
You feel something bursting within you
And he pulls it out of you, you lay panting,
Glad to have it over.
He looks at you and smiling warmly,
Tells you, with a chuckle;
That you have been his most stubborn
Yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist.
After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.



What were you thinking? You dirty minded thing!

2007-05-23 23:45:35 · 16 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "hey boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt." The boss says "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that". 2 hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss I do what you say and I feel great I will be at work soon. You got a nice house".


Give it a star if you like it.

2007-05-23 23:27:47 · 8 answers · asked by angela f 3

Two baby girls are born to the same mother
On the same day, month and year!
yet they are not twins!!
how?

2007-05-23 21:36:43 · 9 answers · asked by missusisk 4

2 blondes are going to Disneyland and they are pulling up trying to find the enterance. They lookng for it and come up to a sign that says Disneyland left. So the blondes look at each other and turn the car around and go home, lol.

2007-05-23 19:50:01 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

1..
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good
meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went
to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see".
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" said Holmes.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there
are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I
deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are
small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have
a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you fool.
Somebody has stolen our tent."

now,,give a star,please

2007-05-23 19:47:26 · 14 answers · asked by abhinav 1

The wife says well weres my present? the guy says i dont know what do you want. The wife says i shouldnt tell have to tell you. But if there is not something in the driveway that goes from 0-200 in 4 seconds tomorrow i will be mad. So they go to bed and the next they the wife gets out of bed and asks the husband well? the husband tells her to look in the driveway. She goes outside and sees a box, she goes what the hell is this. He then goes a bathroom scale. lol.

2007-05-23 19:32:31 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-23 16:43:04 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-23 15:18:07 · 20 answers · asked by iloveyou.<3. 3

2007-05-23 14:51:29 · 8 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

Little Johnny was talking a walk down the street when he found something on the road. He was not sure what it was and was playing with it when this man came running towards him out of breath.
"Hey kid that is mine. Can I have it back please?" the man said
Little Johnny said, "Well i found it first."
The man was getting mad becuse it was a condom and he needed it, then he remembers he has a loney in his pocket and says, "hey little boy i will give you this loney if i can have that.. er.. donnut."
Little Johnny is pleased with the deal and the next thing you know he's back home with a really big smile on his face.
Little johnny's mom noticed this and said, "Why are you so happy then?"
Little Johnny replied, "Because this man on the street gave me this loney for this donnut I had, but what he doesn't know is I licked all the jelly out first."

2007-05-23 14:21:56 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Taking a Tinkle

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a
masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the
stomach.
Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in
because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy
daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room
in tears.

"What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this
bullet came out," replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years
ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
"Mom,
I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16
years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said
the Mom, "I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet
came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."


I KNOW YOU SMILED

2007-05-23 14:10:03 · 20 answers · asked by David 6

2007-05-23 13:53:25 · 2 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

okay so there was a guy and he had an iq of 30 so he goes to tim hortons and he get the roll up the rim thing so he rolls it up and say i won a motorhome sir says the manager you cant win a motor home so the manager takes a look and it says win a bagel get it!!!!!!!! ah aha ha ahha aha h ah ah ah

2007-05-23 13:48:34 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways.

The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"

The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."

2007-05-23 13:00:29 · 13 answers · asked by innvisible_shadow 3

A guy walks into a bar, orders a scotch and soda and puts a frog on the bar. The bartender gives him the drink and asks what the frog's for?
The guy snaps his fingers and the frog jumps down and blows the man. The bartender is amazed, and asks to see that again.
So the guy a second time snaps his fingers, the frog jumps down, blows the man, and hops back on the bar. The bartender is astounded, he offers the guy $3000 for the frog.
The man of course accepts, and gives the frog to the bartender.
The bartender, after his shift, goes home. he's sitting in his kitchen, calls his wife over, says he has something to show her.
His wife walks in, the bartender takes the frog out of his pocket, puts it on the table, snaps his fingers, the frog jumps down, blows the bartender and hops back on the kitchen table.
The wife asks, "why the hell are you showing me this?"
The bartender says, "cause you're going to teach him how to cook and then you're gonna get the **** outta here."

2007-05-23 12:56:03 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

woman is sitting at home looking at her marriage certificate> husband asks "what are you looking for?"the woman replies "the fu**ing expiry date"

ha

2007-05-23 12:25:34 · 22 answers · asked by misyid 2

a man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner but doesnt tell the kids what it is. he says hell give them a clue "its what mum calls me sometimes" the little girl screams "dont eat it, its a fu**ing ars*hole"

ha

2007-05-23 12:23:53 · 8 answers · asked by misyid 2