Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and the Hunchback of Notre Dame were talking to each other and Sleeping Beauty said that she was the most beautiful woman in the world.

Tom Thumb said that he is the smallest person in the world.

The Hunchback said that he is the ugliest person in the world.

Just to reconfirm their claims, they all decided to go to the Guinness Books of Records to check their status.

Sleeping Beauty came out of the Guinness Books of Records Office with a big grin on her face as she has been reconfirmed as the most beautiful woman in the world.

Tom Thumb came out of the Guinness Books of Records Office dancing a jig and whistling a tune as he is still the smallest person in the world.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame came out with a confused look on his face.

Sleeping Beauty and Tom Thumb were curious and asked the Hunchback what was wrong.

In a dejected and confused voice the Hunchback asked………………..

"Who the f##k is Wayne Rooney ?"

2007-05-23 08:30:06 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist.

He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.'

It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that's wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't exactly been a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years.

Why don't you go to the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed, and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Wow! That was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I'll be right back." He returns to the bathroom and then goes back to the bedroom, and round two is even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back into the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing in front of the mirror, saying,

"She's not my wife .She's not my wife. She's not my wife."

His funeral will be held on Monday

2007-05-23 08:28:02 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Stink

2007-05-23 08:23:07 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

my daughter was swimming and she was with her little cousin in one of those circle boats whatever you call them and there could be only 1 person there so she went out,and the woman who was so stupid and annoying that even after she had said that my daughter was getting out and she was stil yelling at her I mean my daughters not deaf dude(the stupid one is a lifegaurd)and my daughetrs bra fell because she had made her panick.and after that when she went to slide down the tube she wouldnt move in the middle of the half tube and she kept pushing herself down and when she just decided to stand up in the end she feel and hit her butt at the end of the tube

2007-05-23 08:13:07 · 14 answers · asked by hey 2

A boy walks up to his teacher and says "teacher will i get in trouble for something i didn't do", so the teacher reply's "of course not", then the boy says "good because i didn't do my homework!"

2007-05-23 07:47:28 · 15 answers · asked by This.Passion.Is.A.Plagurism 2

You know how match game is played...10 Points!!!


I was walking down the street, when a _____ crossed my path.

2007-05-23 07:21:32 · 11 answers · asked by caw0911 3

A preacher, a football player, and a terrorist were getting onto a plane. The pilot said that the plane was too heavy so they would have to drop something off as the plane took off. The preacher threw a Bible, the football player threw a football, and the terrotrist threw a bomb he had lit up. A little boy was walking and he got hit in the head with the Bible. He started crying and an old man asked him why. He said, "I don't go to church and God's mad at me!" The old man told him God wasn't mad at him and the little boy walked on. A little while later, the old man came across the boy again. "Why are you crying now?" the man said. "God's mad at me! He hit me in the head with a football 'cause I don't like it!" the boy sobbed. The old man said God wasn't mad at him and the little boy walked on again. The old man came to the little boy again. He was laughing his head off. "Why are you laughing?" the man asked. The boy looked up and said, "I farted and the house behind blew up!"

2007-05-23 07:17:20 · 45 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-23 07:11:28 · 14 answers · asked by nothing 5

" What's the difference between a comb and a boiled egg? "

It is started in the French comedy film 'Taxi' but is never finished!

2007-05-23 06:32:57 · 3 answers · asked by The Global Geezer 7

and puts three nails on the counter, and says can you put me up for the night

2007-05-23 06:26:58 · 42 answers · asked by freddy 4

I sure as hell hope not......


A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a store employee standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir .....can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says , "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line......It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it" He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes
that there is no way he could tell it was her ... being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"

2007-05-23 05:52:25 · 9 answers · asked by UTC 5

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"



The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

2007-05-23 05:52:21 · 17 answers · asked by chloe1st 4

Q: Why do boys go to temples?

A: Because temple is the only place where you can find..

Pooja
Bhawna
Shraddha
Aarti
Archana
Aradhana
Shanti
Jyoti

..........

.......

... AND



Finally.....


TRIPTI!

2007-05-23 05:49:59 · 16 answers · asked by frustrated 1

i know im going back to 1990 here but what was the best yo mama joke you ever heard?

2007-05-23 05:39:18 · 15 answers · asked by mannyg2199 4

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin is involved in a car accident and
falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes
up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the
doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your Uncle
from Cork came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh No, not my Uncle... he's an nutcase!"

She asks the doctor,” Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."

2007-05-23 05:34:42 · 6 answers · asked by chloe1st 4

So there's these 2 muffins in an oven.

They're both sitting, just chilling and getting baked.

And one of them yells "God Damn it's hot in here!"

And the other muffin replies "Holy Crap, a talking muffin!"

2007-05-23 03:48:21 · 12 answers · asked by êNVY_Mè 2

A blonde walks into a pawn shop one day.

She sees something she likes behind the counter, so she walks up to the cashier and asks him how much the TV is. The cashier tells her that he doesn't sell to blondes. The blonde says okay and leaves the store.

Determined, she puts on a brunette wig and returns to the store and asks the cashier if she could buy the TV. Once again, the cashier says that he doesn't sell to blondes. Dejected, she leaves the store again.

This time she outdoes herself. She puts on a black, short-haired wig, a moustache and a monacle, a black three-piece pinstriped suit and returns to the store. In a gruffy voice, she confidently asks the cashier if she could buy the TV. Again, the cashier will just not sell to blondes.

Outraged, the blonde asks the cashier why he won't sell the TV to her, or blondes in general, and how he knew that she was a blonde even with all the disguises.

First of all, the cashier says, it's not a TV, it's a microwave.

2007-05-23 03:45:58 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

i recently got the sack from my job.see i work in the local pepsi factory.i got called into the office by my supervisor.

"take a seat."

sure,i said.what seems to be the problem??

"im gonna have to let you go".

WHAT???WHY??i said.

"because we found coke in your system"



boom boom!!!!!!

2007-05-23 03:35:54 · 18 answers · asked by rossy g 2

I was just wondering if you know which is the correct way to say this, (speaking of an egg, of course)...

Is it,...The yoke IS white,...or is it the yoke ARE white???

2007-05-23 03:30:28 · 25 answers · asked by theartofthefake 2

engagement ring, wedding ring, and SUFERING! LOL

2007-05-23 03:27:46 · 11 answers · asked by runzwsizorz 3

Two elderly gents sitting on a park bench. One says to the other I feel a 100 years old to-day, what about you. The other replies I feel like a new born baby, no teeth, no hair, and I think I`ve just pissed my pants

2007-05-23 03:24:35 · 9 answers · asked by Gary Crant 7

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the interstate one day so she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds then and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up. It wasn't long before a police car arrives. The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?" "My car broke down,officer,"says the woman clamly. "Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the officer....
"Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

2007-05-23 03:12:00 · 14 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

Last night i decided to try Coke, but the ice cubes got stuck up my nose.

2007-05-23 03:10:37 · 61 answers · asked by KittenMcDuck 3

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then
her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by
her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, “At least they’re
finally together.” A guy sitting in the front row says, “Excuse me
father, but you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second
husband?”

The priest says, “I mean her legs.”

2007-05-23 03:05:13 · 10 answers · asked by êNVY_Mè 2

Martha Stewart - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Maxine - Leftover wine?? Hello!!

Martha Stewart - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Maxine - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who the hell cares!

Martha Stewart - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Maxine - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on your *** on the couch, with your feet up anyway.

Martha Stewart - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Maxine - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and you don't have to worry about the potatoes growing arms and legs.

2007-05-23 03:00:32 · 4 answers · asked by chloe1st 4

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled Blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said "It's golf balls." Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time deeply thinking about what he
had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her
curiosity anylonger, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

2007-05-23 02:51:56 · 27 answers · asked by Teejay 6

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

2007-05-23 02:29:49 · 29 answers · asked by barz 2

Aches and Pains
At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.

"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man.

Then there was a short moment of silence.

"Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully.

2007-05-23 02:29:21 · 9 answers · asked by ? 6

'Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?' No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, 'You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that. I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!' She then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'
Little Mary's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her,
'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!' The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, 'Anybody?' Finally, Billy stood up looking around nervously, and said, 'The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.' Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy.' Then turned to Mary and continued, 'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: First, you have a dirty mind. Second, you didn't read your homework.
And Third, one day you are going to be

2007-05-23 02:19:48 · 13 answers · asked by Jordan M 2

if a turtle loses its shell is it naked or homeless?

2007-05-23 02:03:35 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous