Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

It's better to walk a mile in someone else's shoes. At least, then you're a mile away AND you have their shoes.

2007-05-24 12:59:00 · 6 answers · asked by nosnowmike 2

One day in Church a young girl is climbing the stairs up to the balcony and the Priest is behind her. He looks up and notices the girl is not wearing panties so he takes out $20 from the collection plate and tells the girl to go and buy some panties as it wasn't nice running around without panties. The girl goes home and gives her mom the $20 and asks her to buy some panties.Her mother asks where she got the money and the girl explains about the priest.The mother rushes upstairs and whips off her panties, outs on her skimpiest mini-skirt and heads for the church, she sees the priest and without looking obvious she starts to climb the stairs to the balcony. Sure enough the priest looks up and then again reaches into his collection plate. This time however he takes out only $2, hands it to the woman and says " For Gods sake go and buy a Razor."

2007-05-24 12:40:35 · 31 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

2007-05-24 12:37:51 · 16 answers · asked by fletchfredarnie 4

A blind man walks into a store with his eye dog. All of a sudden,out of now where, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head and around the store. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

2007-05-24 11:43:02 · 4 answers · asked by crharris01 2

yes OR no

2007-05-24 11:10:24 · 14 answers · asked by ? 1

a blind man goes into the grocery store with his eye seeing dog and then the man takes the dog and lifts him up and starts swingin the dog around the store and so a store manager says to the man what are you doing and the man says looking around

2007-05-24 11:08:54 · 7 answers · asked by chicago 1

There was this blonde traveling down the road.She saw,in here rear view mirror,that a police officer was telling her to stop.She pulled over and asked the police officer what was wrong.He drew a circle in the dirt and told her to stand inside.Then he went to the car to call in the arrest.When he looked up he saw that she was dyin' laughin'.He said to here,"What is so funny?"She replied,"Nothing."This went on for a good while then he looked up and saw that she was laughing so hard she could barely stand.He said,"What is so funny?"She replied again,"When you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle."

2007-05-24 11:05:15 · 12 answers · asked by crharris01 2

1.Airhostess-- always work on top of you

2. Female workers of fast-food places-- because they say: "Thank You. Next customer please."

3. Female teachers of kindergarden-- they say: "Don't give up. Let's do it again until you get it"

4. Female nurses-- they say: "Take your pants off" (even in front of your family and friends)

5. Female teacher of elementary school-- they say: "If you make a mistake, you have to redo your homework 20 times"

6. Female drivers-- they say: "Get in. Get in... There are more spaces in the back."

2007-05-24 10:59:34 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

1.Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking out of the delivery room after his wife gives birth to their son. Michael says, "How long before we can have sex?"
The doctor says, "At least wait until he's walking."

2.Q: Have you heard about Michael Jackson's New Book?
A: It's called, "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing

3.Who does Michael Jackson consider a Perfect "10"?
Two 5 year olds.

4.Michael Jackson was on a ship with 100 cub scouts when it hit an iceberg and
started to sink. The captain announced, "We're sinking! Everyone abandon ship!"
Michael Jackson asked, "What about the children?"
The captain replied, "Screw the children!"
Michael Jackson looked around eagerly and said, "Do we have time?"

2007-05-24 10:41:47 · 16 answers · asked by zaii00 4

How do you say," Robert's Rover ran away" with out using the letter R ?

2007-05-24 10:28:16 · 18 answers · asked by ? 5

I have entered a competition,and the goal is to the egg stays "alive" after the crash. It is allowed to use various objects like baloons,plastics bags filled with water,vegetables,fruit etc. I should figure out a fun way to do it,but I'm running out of ideas!

2007-05-24 08:58:39 · 40 answers · asked by Branko Š 1

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 ven:

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
10. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
11. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
12. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
13. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.


star if u liked..

2007-05-24 08:57:40 · 4 answers · asked by JJ 4

Mitch Hedburg was/is my favorite comedian...but I just don't get this joke. Can anyone explain it?? Many thanks!

2007-05-24 08:57:07 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-24 08:54:05 · 4 answers · asked by be my Angel :) 3

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb ?

2007-05-24 08:50:05 · 14 answers · asked by Norrie 7

the rest home in his boxer shorts with his p3nis hanging out. One of the nurses saw this and walked up to him. She said, Mr. Smith, your p3nis is hanging out of your boxer shorts. He said to the nurse, I know it's hanging out.......It died yesterday and the viewing is today............LOL

Hope that wasn't to vulgar......but I thought it was funny. I hope you do to.....

2007-05-24 08:30:27 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-24 08:30:22 · 16 answers · asked by mtv 1

Bill Clinton, George Bush and George Washington were on the Titanic.

As the boat was sinking, George Washington heroically shouts, ''Save the women!''

George Bush hysterically screeches, ''Screw the women!''

And Bill Clinton's eyes light up and he says, ''Do we have time?''

2007-05-24 08:14:42 · 18 answers · asked by zaii00 4

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No prob's God, me old Supreme Being.

Anything you want, after all you're the guv'

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. this time Noah, I don't want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS !" screams Noah "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say.

Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time ?"

"Yep, that's right, well. Sort of right.

This time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.

"Fish ?" queries Noah.

"Yep, fish. Well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp , wall to wall, floor to ceiling , Carp !"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, Let me get this right, you want a New Ark ?"

"Check"

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other ?"

"Check".

"And you want it full of Carp ?"

"Check"

"Why?" Asks the perplexed Noah, Who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether.

"Dunno", says God,

"I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

2007-05-24 07:59:46 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are so small. ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks.
The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?''

Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!''

''How!?!?!?'' she asks.

''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.''

''Well how long does it take?'' she asks.

''They should expand over the years,'' he answers.

''How did you know that?'' she wonders.

''I dunno, but it sure worked for your @$$, didn't it?'''

2007-05-24 07:15:49 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A South Carolina farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
Just thought you'd like to know.

2007-05-24 06:29:52 · 16 answers · asked by bernman101 6

They`re skint this night.
Dave says to jim, I`ve got some coins left in my pocket......shall we have a bet ?
Jim says,Yeh ....i`ll guess how many coins there is....and if i guess right you`ve got to give me one of em....ok dave..?
Dave slaps him on the back and says, If you guess right i`ll give yer both of em mate !

2007-05-24 05:18:45 · 24 answers · asked by yahoobloo 6

One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots. The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?" Billy-Bob replies "Well sheriff, it's a long story!" Sheriff says he isn't in a hurry and that Billy-Bob should tell the story. Billy-Bob continues "Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did." "Inside the barn we started a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill so we did." "Up on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and the Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots. Then Mary-Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and said "Okay Billy-Bob, go to town..."

2007-05-24 04:29:35 · 9 answers · asked by ? 5

What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?

Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "don't walk".

2007-05-24 04:22:54 · 15 answers · asked by vegasbrother98 3

where the rubber meets the road?

2007-05-24 04:12:45 · 8 answers · asked by Made You Look 3

PARENT - Job Description

This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way,
I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!!


POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging
permanent work in an,
often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
pack mule
and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from
the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
of the assumption that college will help them
become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental MFEMFEMFE, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered;
this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth
and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.


Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis,
letting them know they are appreciated
for the fabulous job they do...
or forward with love
to anyone thinking of applying for the job.

2007-05-24 03:59:36 · 12 answers · asked by LONE WOLF 1

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said. "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! Where are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to stick! Careful. CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! NEVER! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I"m driving."

2007-05-24 03:58:39 · 8 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay,

She opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a Wheel chair.

He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?!" the widow said.

"Just look at you ... You have no legs!"

The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently,

"Are you still good in bed?

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

"I rang the door bell, didn't I?

A little humor for the day!

2007-05-24 03:25:05 · 17 answers · asked by Kelly*Belly 4

Someone told me this one last night, and I tried to remember exactly how it went. I think I'm pretty close.


A young man in his late 20's goes into a bar, sits down and starts to have a beer. An attractive woman sits down beside him and starts flirting with him. After a few more beers, she asks him to come home with her. He notices that she is quite a bit older than him, so he comes out and asks her age. She replies, "I'm 54."
He thinks to himself, Wow 54, that's kind of old, but oh well, there's not many other woman in here tonight and she is attractive. So he goes home with her.
As they walk in the door, she says, "How do you feel about team sex?"
The young man said, "What do you mean?"
"You know, like mother daughter"she replied.
At this point, the man is thinking he's hit the jackpot. This woman has a lovely young daughter that he's about to get lucky with.
He wholeheartedly agrees.
The woman yells up the stairs.......
"Mom, you still awake???"

2007-05-24 02:45:48 · 27 answers · asked by Angel 2

And then they move to Texas and get a divorce, are they still brother and sister?

2007-05-24 02:27:26 · 5 answers · asked by Moose 5