Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

I was asked today if i would run a marathon for charity,i said no,they said it was for the blind and paraplegic children i thought why not i could win this lol =)

2007-05-25 05:08:01 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

My friend doesn't know what I should do, so I have to ask here!

2007-05-25 05:01:19 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

ventriloquist doin a show in dublin one night took the p*ss out of kerry men all night and at the end of the show after the applause a man at the back stood up and said"oi listen here im from kerry and iv taken offence to all youv said tonight i dont know why all you people out there think us people from kerry are thick"with this the ventroliquist stood up and said "oh mate im so sorry if i have offended you tonight"with this the man in the audience replied "look u stay out of it im talking to the fella on your lap"

2007-05-25 04:48:41 · 10 answers · asked by Kaz 3

lolz this made me laugh but actually it aint that funny enywayz...
one day a blonde and brunette died, to get to heaven God said that they need to pass a series of 100 dirty jokes and if they laugh they go to hell. 89 questions later the brunettte started lughing because the 89th joke was so funny. ..... On the the blonde had reached the 100th joke sundenly the blonde started laughin, God said" why are you laughing? i havent even told the last joke yet?!" the blonde replies " i just go the 89th joke, lol that was sooo funny!"
God says" such a shame the last joke as well and i was gonna let you laugh!" so she went to hell! lolz wasnt that funny! ok so i know im not in the leage of some other jokes here but anywhos!
kisses and hugs from london!

2007-05-25 04:40:22 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-25 04:26:55 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt." "That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" "I don't remember much after that!"

2007-05-25 04:22:50 · 26 answers · asked by kitkat 4

A tomato, a piece of gum, and a penis are all talking.

The tomato says "I've got the worst live, I get cut up and stuck in a sandwhich".

The piece of gum says "No, mine's worse, I get chewed up, spit out and stepped on".

The penis says "No, by far I've gor the worst life... I get a plastic bag stuck over my head, then I'm shoved in a dark tunnel and made to do push ups 'till I throw up!"

2007-05-25 04:22:40 · 16 answers · asked by an146442 1

2007-05-25 04:12:30 · 28 answers · asked by SweetieGoat 4

Dave returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Doreen that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Dave went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Doreen agreed and again they made love. Later, Dave was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Doreen's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. Dave, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Dave, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."

2007-05-25 04:09:40 · 9 answers · asked by delphinuz 3

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

2007-05-25 04:06:17 · 12 answers · asked by an146442 1

Penis.
He said "ok, just drop your pants so i can take a look"
I dropped my pants and unleashed my 14 inch monster with a girth like a coke can...
The doctor looked aghast, held it with both hands, poked and prodded it a little and said " well, despite it's enormous size, weight and girth, there doesn't seem to be much wrong with it"
I replied " I Know, it's magnificent isn't it"?

2007-05-25 02:57:03 · 25 answers · asked by Mr Tripod 4

Doctor: "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient: "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient: "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"

"Hmm," says the Doctor,
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

2007-05-25 02:32:01 · 9 answers · asked by delphinuz 3

2 rasta mums are on the bus with their babies...
one says 'is ya baby teevin' yet?'
the other replies...
' yes, so far he's got me 2 Dvds, a mobile phone and a laptop!!'

xxx

xx

2007-05-25 01:13:14 · 15 answers · asked by thumberlina 6

The Doctor checks him over and says, " I'm sorry but you've got Yellow 24, a really nasty virus ! Its called Yellow 24 because your blood turns yellow & you've got 24 hrs to live ! There's no cure so just go home & enjoy the time you have left " !
So he trudges home and tells the news to his wife . Although distraught she suggests he goes to the Bingo with her that night to take his mind off things !
They arrive at the Bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £ 50. Then, with his second card he gets a line & wins £ 300. Then he gets a Full House winning £ 1000.
Finally, the National Grid comes up and he wins £ 350,000.
The Bingo caller can't believe it and says to the man, " I've been here for 20 years and I have NEVER known anything like it, you must be the luckiest man alive " !
" LUCKY " ! replies the man, " I've got Yellow 24 " !
" F*ck me" says the Bingo caller, " you've won the Raffle as well " !

2007-05-25 00:42:39 · 14 answers · asked by Joe Ninety 2

and she was wearing a lovely sleeveless, pink , cotton dress with straps, and he was in his usual jeans & T shirt.
As they came by the Gorilla enclosure he noticed that the huge Silver Back was staring at her and groaning ! " Try puckering your lips and wiggle your backside " he said, and the wife did so which sent the Gorilla crazy, hammering his chest and throwing himself at the bars ! This amused the couple no end and the husband says, " lower one of the straps and pull the dress up and show him a bit of leg " . The wife complies and by now the ape is totally out of control, banging, groaning and running round the enclosure !
The husband then grabs his wife , opens the door to the enclosure , flings her in and slams the door shut saying, " now tell HIM you've got a headache " !

2007-05-25 00:31:44 · 18 answers · asked by Joe Ninety 2

and bragged that despite
being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein' too forward, I'd luv
to 'ave sex with yer. Let's go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.

So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to
bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together. Afterwards, Sean says,

"If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can
have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand
and ma willie in your right hand".

Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than
before.

Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for
an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......." "I know
Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".
Cilla complies with the routine.

The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla
asks "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de
other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a
scouser, the ***** stole ma wallet!"

2007-05-24 23:40:08 · 6 answers · asked by Tony T 4

Every morning, the farmer had eggs for breakfast. He owned no chickens and he never got eggs from anyone else's chickens nor stores. Where did he get his eggs?

2007-05-24 22:27:17 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

i posted this a little over a mo ago but i'm trying to cheer someone up so hope this works. if u like plz star!!

A man walking along the beach one day finds a bottle. He rubs it and, sure enough, out popped a genie.

"I will grant you three wishes," said the genie. "But there is a catch."

"What catch?" the man asked.

The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive double the wish you were granted."

"Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.

"What is your first wish?" asked the genie.

"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!"

POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.

"Now every lawyer in the world has TWO Ferraris," said the genie. "Next wish?"

"I'd love a million dollars," replied the man.

POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.

"Now every lawyer in the world has TWO million dollars," said the genie.

"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my million," replied the man.

"What is your third and final wish?"

The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney!"

2007-05-24 22:21:20 · 5 answers · asked by Gina B 4

Dorothy and Carole Ann, two widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know
You went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about
Him before I give him my answer."

Carole Ann: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually
At 7PM, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me
Such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what 's there
But a luxury car.. A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes
Me out for dinner... A marvelous dinner... Lobster, champagne, dessert,
And after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy,
I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are
Coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely
Crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!. So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Carole Ann: "No, no, no.. I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

2007-05-24 21:50:35 · 11 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. When St. Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "L-O-V-E" and St. Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, St. Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
Her husband told her, "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."

2007-05-24 19:43:35 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

See if you can do this. Read each line aloud without making any mistakes. If you make a mistake you MUST start over or it won't work.

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is moron cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top...

2007-05-24 19:40:01 · 13 answers · asked by PerFecT StrAngEr.. is back 6

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise".

Well, the hours passed and the Vodkas went down way too easy. Around 3 am, a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight" he didn't seem p***ed off at all. Whew -- Got away with that one.
Then he said, we need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh s**t", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat,cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

2007-05-24 17:07:34 · 24 answers · asked by Norrie 7

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

2007-05-24 17:05:02 · 7 answers · asked by meemeemee40 5

A man leaves home, travels a bit....takes a left...travels a bit more..takes another left..goes further then takes another left and ends up back home where 2 men are waiting for him....who are they?

2007-05-24 16:52:05 · 16 answers · asked by eric f 2

I don't know the answer. Has anyone heard this lateral thinking puzzle before? If so, what's the answer?

2007-05-24 16:13:23 · 9 answers · asked by Kiara 5

its a riddle but i cant figure out, someone help please?

2007-05-24 16:10:01 · 7 answers · asked by Ian B 1

where can i find the answer

2007-05-24 16:05:24 · 1 answers · asked by mobile auto repair (mr fix it) 7

2007-05-24 15:28:42 · 18 answers · asked by Taylor J 1

Lunch Anyone?

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!"
Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.

"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says.

"Yeah?" says the counterman. "You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."

2007-05-24 15:03:43 · 8 answers · asked by Harmony t 2

My feet are the ugliest feet in the world! *sob* My big toes are bent toward my other toes, my 2nd toe is longer than all my other toes and my feet have no arch!! That means when I stand up they are wider than they are when no weight is on them. What can i do?? I always envy girls with regular feet it makes me seem like an ogre an them like the Belle of the Ball. Please help me!!!

2007-05-24 13:39:12 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous