Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

Alpha
Kenny
One

Say this 10 times fast or slow and star me when you get it

2007-05-01 11:49:33 · 27 answers · asked by Tmabel 3

having a drink and then suddenly needs to break wind so she walks to the toilet but before she gets they it pops out rather loud, the pub goes quite and everyone looks in her direction, then at the table next to her a farmer shouts at his dog " DOG GET UNDER THE TABLE" and everybody thinks its the dog , so woman goes back to the bar and carries on drinking.5 minutes she needs the the toilet again so of she goes and again it pops out before she getsTthey, right next to the farmer again so he shouts " DOG GET UNDER THE TABLE"and she is let of again, so she goes back to her drink.5 mintues later she needs the toilet yet again so of she goes and again it pops out right next to the farmer and he shouts " DOG GET UNDER THE TABLE BEFORE SHE SHITS ON YER"

2007-05-01 11:43:25 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why do we sing "Rock a bye baby" to lull our little ones to sleep when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle to the ground?


or if not that one how about..

If a king is gay and marries another guy what is that guy to the royal family?

2007-05-01 11:38:18 · 10 answers · asked by ~Jessi~ 1

Jack was sitting at the bar, gazing dejectedly into his beer.
"What's up?" asked the barman.
"It was last night," he replied..."I got so drunk I don't remember what I did but when I saw a woman in bed with me I naturally gave her £50."
"Well, that's reasonable, even if you don't remember it" consoled the barman.
"It's not that," said Jack. "It's the fact that it was my wife and she automatically gave me £10 change."

PS.... I was given a violation for this joke last night....do you think it deserved it? Has yahoo 'lost the plot' ???

2007-05-01 11:31:42 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

because all his uncles were ants(aunts)

2007-05-01 11:22:37 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

My friends want to hear some jokes. I ran out of jokes, so I'm coming here!! Give me anything. It can be dirty, ethnic, etc. As long as it hilarious!! Thanx!!

2007-05-01 11:09:58 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

In mexico there was three amigos. One had a bat, one had a sandwich de queso, and one had a jar of peanut butter. So the three ugly and talking ducklings walked down the street with a talking beaver named Jim. They each banded together to fight a lamp. How many monkies can fit in a barrel on monday?!

2007-05-01 10:57:55 · 17 answers · asked by ishootiscore04 2

Two nursing home residents were talking. Bob was telling Sam how he was getting married to Anna next week. Sam was puzzled....

He asked " Why are you getting married, your so old?"

" Is she good in bed?"

Sam said "No, never done it with her before"

"Well is she a good cook?"

" No she can't even boil water"

" Is she a good housekeeper?"

"Nope, she a filthy pig"

"Then why?"

"Cause she's got a car and she can drive a night!"

2007-05-01 10:46:29 · 11 answers · asked by winnie2228 3

2007-05-01 10:39:58 · 7 answers · asked by trevor e 1

Please, someone solve the riddle for me: Two cats get an ice cream sundae, which dog gets the sprinkles? The only hints i was given were: There is no hot fudge/ think about speedy gonzales/ think about pinky and the brain. PLEASE HELP!

2007-05-01 10:34:14 · 6 answers · asked by jay79921324 1

What has no skin, scale or bone, but has 4 fingers and a thumb of its own?

2007-05-01 10:25:35 · 10 answers · asked by comtnman2003 3

plz tell me answers 37 38 39 40 41 ect.!!

2007-05-01 10:19:25 · 3 answers · asked by Carella_baby 2

2007-05-01 10:15:21 · 10 answers · asked by namelark 2

My friends tell me many things that sound too crazy.

2007-05-01 10:13:24 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

help me plz!!!!!!!!!!

2007-05-01 10:07:32 · 4 answers · asked by Carella_baby 2

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
>syndrome, including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, then the
>story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
>
>Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:
>
>Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
>"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
>"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can
>you help?"
>
>I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his
>bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking
>stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at
>the lizard!"
>
>Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
>
>"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
>
>I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
>want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
>
>"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
>inquired, rather sarcastically!).
>
>"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most
>loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
>
>"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
>
>"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
>informed me. (Again with the sarcasm)
>
>By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
>shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a
>wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of
>birth."
>
>"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
>
>"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter
>of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.
>
>We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
>foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear
>to be making much progress," I noted.
>
>"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
>
>"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
>
>"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
>appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more
>times with the same results.
>
>"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could
>talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my
>house?)
>
>"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
>
>So we drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
>"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
>
>"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so
>cruel to their own young. I mean, what she does to me is one thing, but
>this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
>
>The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
>animal through a magnifying glass.
>
>"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
>
>"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to
>you privately for a moment?"
>
>I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be
>okay?" my wife asked.
>
>"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
>fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see,
>Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like
>most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying
>on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm
>saying, Mr.. Cameron."
>
>We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited," my wife
>offered.
>
>"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
>
>More silence.
>
>Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even
>laugh loudly.
>
>"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I
>married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
>
>Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that... I'm
>picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little..." she gasped for
>more air to bellow in laughter once more.
>
>"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly
>bundled the lizards and our son back into the car.
>
>He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really
>thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
>
>"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
>
>2 - lizards - $140...
>1 - Cage - $50...
>Trip to the Vet - $30...
>
>Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's wacker
>
>....Priceless...
>

2007-05-01 09:46:39 · 16 answers · asked by kuntree 2

i have no idea what this is.....

: I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you squeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?



what is the corret answer!
10 to first person to tell me!

2007-05-01 09:04:37 · 18 answers · asked by EMILYY SUP! 2

Three men are traveling to a hotel, when they arrive they ask for the price of one room for one night.

The manager tells them the cost is $15, so each man pays $5 and goes upstairs.

Moments later the manager remembers that there is a special and the cost of the room is only $10, so he gives the bellboy five singles and sends him to return the money.

On the way up to the room the bellboy decides that it is unfair to make the three men split $5 unevenly so he gives each of the three men back $1 and he keeps $2 for himself.

Now, if each man paid $5 and got $1 back that means they each only paid $4.

So, 4 + 4 + 4 = $12

And $12 plus the $2 the bellboy kept only equals $14.


What happened to the other dollar?

2007-05-01 08:57:51 · 22 answers · asked by Meggerz 2

Kind of funny joke?
there is this little boy who says the same word over and over and over in his 1st grade class so his teacher sends him to the principles office the principle said im going to send you to three different locations i want you to learn one word from each...so he goes to the air port and learns the word "take off" nect he goes to the local zoo and learns the word "Zebra"
after he goes to the day care and learns "baby" the next day he goes to the principle at his school and the principle asks so what words did you learn yesterday he says "Take Off Zebra Baby"

2007-05-01 08:51:30 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

I thought it was pretty funny!



Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama and John Edwards were flying to a convention. Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know, I could
throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy." Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100
bills out of the window and make ten people very happy." John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10
bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy." Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his copilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy."

2007-05-01 08:30:05 · 10 answers · asked by Lindsey H 5

Two kids are in Sunday School. A girl who keeps falling asleep sits next to a boy with his pen out.
The teacher asks, "Who created heaven and earth?" The boy pokes the girl in the side with his pen.
"God almighty!" yells the girl.
"Very good!" says the teacher. The girl starts to snooze off again.
The teacher asks, "Who died for our sins?" The boy pokes her with his pen again.
"Jesus Christ!" yelled the girl.
"Very good." The girl goes off to sleep again.
The teacher asks, "What did Eve say to Adam after having their 26th kid?" The boy pokes her with the pen again.
The girl yells, "If you put that thing into me one more time, I swear I'll break it in half!"
The teacher fainted.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a husband and wife who were unable to have children. After consulting everyone who would listen to their problem, they were still unsatisfied. Finally, they consulted their family priest.

"My children," the priest began, "The Lord will listen to your prayers, and I am sure that you will be blessed with children shortly. In fact, I am planning an extended stay in Rome, and while I'm visiting the Vatican, I will light a candle for you."

"Thank you, Father, thank you!" said the couple.

Before leaving, the priest turned and said, "I am sure everything will work out just fine for you. My stay in Rome will be for quite some time--15 years. But when I return, I will be sure to pay you a visit."

And so, 15 years came and went, and the priest returned to the States.

While resting on his porch one mid-summer morning, he remembered the promise of paying a visit that he had made 15 years ago. So he made his way to their home, and upon arriving at the residence of the couple who'd sought his council years earlier, he rang the doorbell.

Sounds of crying and screaming children filled the air! Overjoyed by the thought that their prayers had been answered, he entered the house. More than a DOZEN children filled the house from top to bottom! In the midst of all the chaos, stood the wife.

"My dear," the priest said, "your prayers have been answered! And where is your husband? I wish to congratulate him too on your miracle!"

"He just left for Rome," she said in a very desperate tone.

"Rome? Why did he go to Rome?" asked the priest.

"To blow out that candle you lit!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

2007-05-01 08:12:31 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..." he sighed..............




"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

2007-05-01 08:00:10 · 19 answers · asked by cal_gal_81 3

You most embarassing moment in front of a lot of people? One of my most embarassing moments was when I was a senior in high school and it was second semester. My car started cutting off and wouldn't crank up immediately after, well there was a train and everybody was in a long line behind me and when the train was over, my car wouldn't start up for about a good ten minutes and everyone was hunking at me, going around me and flippin' the bird............

2007-05-01 07:09:47 · 9 answers · asked by salvi love 2

I know the answer, but can't actually answer it in writing and am hoping someone can help me?

3 MEN GO INTO A MOTEL. THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK SAID
THE ROOM IS $30, SO EACH MAN PAID $10 AND WENT TO THE ROOM.

A WHILE LATER THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK REALIZED THE
ROOM WAS ONLY $25, SO HE SENT THE BELLBOY TO THE 3 GUYS' ROOM WITH $5.

ON THE WAY, THE BELLBOY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO
SPLIT $5 EVENLY BETWEEN 3 MEN, SO HE GAVE EACH MAN A $1 AND KEPT
THE OTHER $2 FOR HIMSELF.

THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID $9 FOR THE
ROOM, WHICH IS A TOTAL OF $27, ADD THE $2 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT = $29.

WHERE IS THE OTHER DOLLAR?

2007-05-01 06:49:26 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q. Why is it so hard to replace Vanna White?

A. They can't find another blond who knows the whole alphabet.

For those of you who don't know, Vanna is from the show Wheel of Fortune.
Star if funny.

2007-05-01 04:59:14 · 7 answers · asked by Doll 101 6

The Seven Dwarfs were sitting in a tub feeling happy.
So Happy got up and left.


Star if funny.

2007-05-01 04:56:54 · 10 answers · asked by Doll 101 6

If I came back in 20 seconds, would you remember me?
If I left and came back in 30 seconds, would you still remember me?








Knock, knock.

2007-05-01 03:32:36 · 14 answers · asked by Lauren J 6

A ninety year old man goes to the doctor for a check up. He tells the doctor that his beautiful 25 year old wife was pregnant with his baby.

The doctor says, "Let me tell you a story. A friend of mine was going hunting. When he got out of his pick up, he grabbed his umbrella, instead of his gun by mistake. He'd only gotten a few hundred yards when a grizzly bear appeared out of nowhere and started to charge at him. When he realized he had grabbed his umbrella, he panicked. He pointed the umbrella at the bear and yelled 'BANG!' and that bear just dropped over dead."

The old man thought about it for a minute and said, "No, that can't be right. Someone else had to be shooting at that bear!"

The doctor just nodded and said, "Exactly

2007-05-01 03:31:08 · 20 answers · asked by Little Miss Can't Be Wrong 5

One is a scum sucking bottom dweller and the other is just a fish.

2007-05-01 03:27:27 · 8 answers · asked by Ray2play 5

A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He
was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man
can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

2007-05-01 03:26:49 · 22 answers · asked by Citizen Mac 6