Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

2007-05-04 08:01:56 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Last week was my 50th birthday and I didn't feel very well when I woke up that morning. I sat there at breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.



As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "happy birthday."



I thought... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember.



My kids came into breakfast and didn't say a word. so when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.



As I walked into my office, my secretary Linda said, "good morning, boss, happy birthday!" it felt good that at least someone had remembered.



I worked until one o'clock and then Linda knocked on my door and said, "you know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me."



I said, "thanks Linda, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.



Let's go!" we went to lunch. but we didn't go where we normally would go.



We dined instead at a little place with a private table. we had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.



On the way back to the office, Linda said, "you know, it's such a beautiful day... we don't need to go back to the office, do we?"



I responded, "I guess not. what do you have in mind?"



She said, "let's go to my apartment."



After arriving at her apartment Linda turned to me and said, "boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment.



I'll be right back."



"OK." I replied, somewhat nervously.



She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "happy birthday"



and i just sat there...



on the couch...



naked.

2007-05-04 07:52:24 · 20 answers · asked by sinnedfairy 5

I need a god laugh, it's been a long week

2007-05-04 06:24:29 · 6 answers · asked by artist_vlm79 1

Give me some riddles and the answer to the riddle please because I need :]

Thank you

2007-05-04 06:23:35 · 7 answers · asked by ♥less 5

I AM BORED i don't care if the jokes are sensible or naughty just make me laugh!

2007-05-04 05:45:01 · 24 answers · asked by :)☮♥ 3

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her,"Is something wrong?"
To which she replied,"There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying "YOU'VE GOT MAIL"

2007-05-04 05:41:38 · 15 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

They are not taking anything thing else except strawberries. I am thinking about injecting some old mayonaise in them so when they bite into one they get a huge mouth of nasty white stuff. Any other ideas (that won't get me thrown in jail)?

2007-05-04 05:26:47 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-04 04:21:54 · 6 answers · asked by tanlaask 3

I am only mentioned in the Bible one time. I use to have a soul but God took it away. I wonder how many know who/what I am?
This is a Bible Riddle I heard as a child I know there was more to it but I can't remember it all. But it should be enough info. to find the answer.

2007-05-04 04:04:42 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a brunette,red-head and a blonde.

So one day thee 3 of them met god and he told them that he will tell a joke on each stair and if they laugh there out. If they climb the 100th stair without ever laughing they would get $1,000,000. So they said sure, thats easy.

The brunette laughed on the 66th stair,the red-head laughed on the 88th stair and the blonde kept on going. Eventually she laughed on the 99th stair and god asked, why did you laugh on the last stiar,you wer so close. The blodne replied, ' becasue thats the first joke i understood.'


You probably heard it before but tell me what you think of it.

2007-05-04 03:57:41 · 15 answers · asked by believe.dance.inspire ; 4

Jan.-Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
Feb.-Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..Helllloooo!! bottles won't fit in printer!!
March-Got really excited..finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 mo...box said "2-4 yrs."
Apr.-Trapped on escalator for hrs.-power went out!!
May-Tried to make Kool-Aid..wrong instructions-8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.
June-Tried to go water skiing..couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July-Lost breast stroke swimming competition..later learned the others cheated-they used their arms.
Aug.-Got locked out of my car in rainstorm..car swamped because soft-top was open.
Sept.-The capital of California is "C"... isn't it?
Oct.-Hate M&M's..they are hard to peel.
Nov.-Baked turkey for 4 /12 days.Instructions said 1 hr. per lb.and I weigh 108.
Dec.-Couldn't dial 911.."duh"..there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!!

2007-05-04 03:49:30 · 13 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

13 million of them are comedians.

2007-05-04 02:38:29 · 4 answers · asked by Land Warrior 4

1. Brothers and sisters have I none,
but this man is my son.

2. Brothers and sisters have I none,
but this man's father is my son.

3. Brothers and sisters have I none,
but this man is my fathers son.

4. Brothers and sisters have I none,
but this man's father is my father's son.

5. Brothers and sisters have I none,
but this man's son is my son.

6. Brothers and sisters have I none,
but this man's son is my father's son.

7. Brothers and sisters have I none,
but this man's father's son is my son.

8. Brothers and sisters have I none,
but this man's father's son is my father's son.

2007-05-04 02:36:30 · 3 answers · asked by lizo0110 3

Why did the blonde climb the chain link fence?




To see what was on the other side

2007-05-04 02:34:35 · 7 answers · asked by MomToDavid 5

There was this muscular man and this thin but busty woman who meet in a bar, they start talking having a few drinks,a few drinks turns into alot, until the man asks the woman if she wants to see his house, so now hammerd she says "what the hell sure lets go". so there at his house where the drinking continues after awhile they start to get horny. so they start getting touchy feely she takes off his shirt and says " O MY WHAT A NICE CHEST YOU HAVE" he says "YEAH THATS 100 POUNDS OF DYNAMITE BABY" so next she takes off his pants and says "O MY WHAT NICE LEGS YOU HAVE" and he says "YEAH THATS 100 POUNDS OF DYNAMITE BABY". so now by this time all that is left is his underwear, she starts to take them off and all of a sudden she takes off running yelling an screaming. so he puts his pants on and catches up to her and asks why did you leave she said "I DIDNT WANT TO BE AROUND ALL THAT DYNAMITE WITH SUCH A SHORT FUSE"

2007-05-04 02:09:32 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-04 02:08:23 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A rich man is trying to decide which of three women he should marry. He decides to test them by giving them £1000 each.

The first woman spends £200 on clothes and puts the rest in the bank.

The second woman spends £800 on clothes and puts the rest in the bank.

The third woman spends £500 on clothes and yes, she puts the rest in the bank.

Which one does he choose?









The one with the biggest t i t s!

2007-05-03 22:40:11 · 17 answers · asked by livinfortheweekend 4

Unlike Mr Smith, I was lying when I denied arguing against scrapping the proposal. Was Mr Smith in favour?

2007-05-03 21:37:22 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

He said, "I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it." She said, "You wear pants don't you?"


He said, "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?" She said, "That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa."


He said, "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?" She said, "Turn sideways and look in the mirror!"


On a wall in a ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere." Written just below it: " I do not."


Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.


Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.


Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.


Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.


Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.


Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.


Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.


Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.


Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.


Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

2007-05-03 20:35:38 · 19 answers · asked by clara 5

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day So
she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She
carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She takes
out two cardboard cutout men, unfolds them and stands them at
the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are wearing trench coats exposing
their nude bodies to approaching drivers!

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.

It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer,
clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled
vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"

"My car broke down, Officer," says the woman, matter-of-factly.

"What the h_ell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing
here beside the road?" shouts the angry Officer.
"HellllloOOooo," taunts the blond e. "Those are my emergency flashers!"

2007-05-03 19:59:00 · 11 answers · asked by melygoni 2

A young couple, just married were in their
honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they
were undressing for bed, the husband, who was a
big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and
said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and
the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's
right," said the husband, "and don't you ever
forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in
this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said,
"Try these on." He tried them on and found he
could only get them on as far as his knee caps
"Hell," he said, "I can't get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right, and that's the way
its going to be until your damn attitude changes!"

2007-05-03 18:57:42 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly
irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how
horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could
have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his
friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so
terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did
you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife
in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the
gun on himself!"
"That’s awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."
"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "Could it
have been worse?"
"Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I’d
be dead now!"

2007-05-03 18:42:13 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A U.S. Customs agent and her dog are on a plane. After it takes off, the agent turns to the dog and commands, “Sniff.”

The K-9 trots down the aisle and sits next to a teenager. It then returns to the woman and puts one paw on her arm.

“Is that dog checking for drugs?” asks a man sitting beside her.

“Yes he is. He just found someone carrying marijuana,” she explains. “We’ll arrest him upon arrival.”

“Wow!” replies the man.

She again commands the dog to sniff. It trots back down the aisle and moments later races back and craps all over the place.

“What happened?” yells the man.

The agent screams, “He just found a bomb!”

2007-05-03 18:38:24 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

One hot summers day
two tramps were walking down a country lane.one turns to the other and asks him have you 5h-t yourself cos i can smell 5h-t very strong,no replies the second one i have not,,walking on for a few miles further he stops again,and says phooo that smell is following us, are you sure you havent 5h-t yourself,bloody hell man no i havent,ok he says just drop your trousers and proove it to me,and sure enough when he drops his trousers there it is,,5h-t all the way down his legs,,and even going up his back,he says i thought you said you had,nt 5h-t yourself,,he replies yes but i thought you meant today,,

2007-05-03 18:34:53 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

dfytrfytfytgffyftyfytfffyfytu

2007-05-03 16:06:49 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

WORLDS HARDEST RIDDLE.....
I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?


97% of Harvard graduates can not figure this riddle out, but 84% of kindergarten students were able to figure this out in 6 minutes or less. Can you guess the riddle? Just repost this bulletin with the title "The World's Hardest Riddle", and then check your inbox. You'll get a message with the correct answer in it AND TRUST ME IT WAS THE MOST SIMPLEST THING U WOULDNT HAVE GUESSED

2007-05-03 15:14:44 · 16 answers · asked by abraxasturrett81 1

"Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds,” Well God is both male and female."

This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well, God is both black and white."
This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"
At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless,
"Honey, God is both gay and straight."

At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks...

"Is God Michael Jackson?"

2007-05-03 14:30:35 · 23 answers · asked by T-Mart 3

2007-05-03 13:06:49 · 9 answers · asked by ben d 1

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says “Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes.”
The man says “Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account.”
Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, “Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here.”
Phoof! There is a flash of light and abright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, “Finally, I want to be irresistible to women.”
Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

2007-05-03 12:17:28 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

2007-05-03 12:08:56 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous